Roy & Ben's Day Off

  • 05/14/2014

Gary gets pranked while enjoying a day out with his son, Laura Kightlinger worries about owing Larry David money, and some aliens discover drugs while planting an anal probe.

- EIGHT FOR YOU, DANA,

NINE FOR ME,

AND HOW MANY WAS THATFOR YOU, MATT?

- ONE.

- ANOTHER HOLE IN ONE FOR MATT.- HOLD ON.

YOU GUYS SMELLSOMETHIN' HORRIBLE?

- I DON'T SMELL ANYTHING.

- OH, THAT SMELLS DISGUSTING.

- OH, IT'S LIKE A MILK FARTOR SOMETHING.

- I SMELL THE HONEYSUCKLEOVER THERE,

BUT I DON'T THINK--

- IT'S LIKE A RANCIDT-BONE STEAK

THAT WAS EATEN BY A TEAMSTER

AND THEN DIARRHEA POOPEDONTO A--

- GUYS, LOOK!

all: GARY.

- I KNEW I SMELLED SOMETHING.

- WHAT IN THE HELLIS HE DOING HERE?

- BROUGHT HIS KID WITHHIM TO PLAY MINI GOLF?

WHAT AN ASSHOLE.

- OH, WE'VE GOT TO GET REVENGE.

- OH! OH!

I'VE GOT THE PERFECT THING!

- NICE PUTT, DONNIE.

YOU KEEP PRACTICING

AND YOU COULD BEA REAL DUFFY WALDORF.

ALL RIGHT, NOW LET YOUR OLD MAN

SHOW YOU HOW THOSE MOVESARE DONE.

SEE IF YOU LOCK YOUR SHOULDERSAND MAKE YOURSELF--

- PSST!HEY!

HEY, KID,YOU WANT SOME CANDY?

I GOT SOME SWEET, SWEET CANDY

OVER HERE IN THESEHONEYSUCKLE BUSHES.

- YOU WANT TO SQUATAND BEND YOUR ELBOWS.

DONNIE?DONNIE?

DONNIE!

HELP, HELP!

MY SON!MY SON IS GONE!

HELP ME!

- DOOPY-DOO.

WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE PROBLEM,SIR?

- MY SON.

I JUST TURNED AROUND FORTWO SECONDS, AND HE WAS GONE.

- WELL, THAT DOESN'T SOUND LIKEVERY GOOD PARENTING TO ME, SURE.

- HE'S PROBABLYIN TERRIBLE DANGER.

- A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE GONNAVIEW YOU AS A DUMB JERK.

- I WAS GONNA SAYA REAL ASSHOLE.

- OH, NO.

DONNIE.

- OH, YES!

DONNIE, YOU'RE DOING GREAT.

LOOK AT ALL THESE TICKETS!

all: DONNIE! DONNIE! DONNIE!

- POOR LITTLE GUY'S PROBABLYSCARED AND ALONE RIGHT NOW,

WISHIN' HE HAD STAYEDWITH HIS MOM TODAY.

- [crying]

MY SWEET BABY BOY.

- CAN YOU DESCRIBE YOUR SON,SIR?

IS HE AS UGLY IN THE FACEAS YOU ARE?

- WHAT?

- DOES HE HAVE THE SAMEHOOK NOSE, SLOPING SHOULDERS?

- BEADY EYES AND GNARLED TEETH.

- DO YOU THINK YOUR SONMIGHT'VE RUN AWAY

BECAUSE HE WAS ASHAMEDOF HIS FATHER'S WEAK-ASS CHIN?

- NO!

THIS IS THE WORST DAYOF MY LIFE.

- THIS IS THE BEST DAYOF MY LIFE!

- WE'RE DOING IT!

WE'RE REALLY DOING IT!

- YES, I DID IT.

MY SON RAN AWAY FROM MEBECAUSE I'M A TERRIBLE FATHER.

- I'LL BE SURE AND PUT THATALL DOWN IN THE REPORT.

- DON'T FORGET TO MENTIONHOW DISGUSTING AND UGLY

THIS GUY'S FACE IS.

- AND HIS CLOTHESLOOK STUPID TOO.

- THAT SHOULD DEFINITELY BEIN THE REPORT.

- DONNIE!

NO!

[farts]

- WELL, WELL, WELL!

IF IT ISN'TTHE MILK FART BANDIT!

- WHAT?

- [laughs]

IT'S US, YOU IDIOT.

- DANA? ANDY?

- DAD, LOOK AT ALL THESE TICKETSWE WON!

- DONNIE, THANK GOODNESSYOU'RE SAFE!

- WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

- WHY WOULD YOU GUYSDO THIS TO ME?

- JUST YOUR CLASSIC MINI GOLF

"SON RUNS AWAY,COPS CALL YOU UGLY

TILL YOU MILK FART YOUR PANTS"REVENGE PRANK.

- YEAH, SUCK IT, GARY!

WHOO!

- [panting]

- WHOO!

- WOW, THEY REALLY PWANKED HIMHARD THIS TIME.

- I THOUGHT FOR SURETHAT KID RAN AWAY.

- I'D RUN AWAYIF MY DAD WERE THAT UGLY.

- ♪ SUCK IT, GARY

DAVE, YOU HAVE TO GET THIS.

I OWE LARRY DAVID MONEY,

AND I CAN'T LET HIMSEE ME BUYING LUNCH.

- HOW MUCH DO YOU OWE HIM?

- $13,000.

- [laughs]

WELL, WHY DON'T YOUJUST BLOW HIM?

- YOU SEXIST JACKASS.

I'D NEVER SUGGEST YOU PAYSOMEONE BACK BY BLOWING 'EM.

- I'D BLOW MY LANDLORD FOR RENT.

HELL, I'D GIVE HIMA REACH-AROUND FOR CABLE.

- WHAT?LAURA!

HEY.

DO YOU--YOU'RE HERE.

YOU'RE IN--YOU'RE INA RESTAURANT?

LOOK AT THIS.

YOU'RE OUT HERE.YOU'RE HAVING LUNCH.

BOY, THINGS MUST BE PRETTY GOOD.

- OH, I WASH DISHES HERE.

I'M ON MY BREAK.

- OKAY.

HEY, I'M HAVIN' LUNCHWITH LARRY FLINT.

LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING.

WHAT--WHAT'S THE PROTOCOL HERE?

DO I LET HIM ROLLALL THE WAY TO ME?

OR DO I MEET HIM HALFWAY?

WHAT'S THE DEAL?

- WELL, YOU'RE BOTHGONNA END UP HERE.

- SHOULD I TELL HIMYOU NEED A LITTLE WORK?

- NO, I'LL FIND SOMETHING.

- FIRST OF ALL, DON'T TAKE JOBSYOU DON'T WANT FOR MY SAKE.

- OKAY.

- IT'S LIKE IF SOMEBODYOWES YOU SOMETHING,

YOU NEVER KNOWWHAT THE ETIQUETTE IS.

DO YOU MENTION IT?

DO YOU--DO YOU NOT MENTION IT?- MM-HMM.

- IS THERE AN ELEPHANTIN THE ROOM?

YOU KNOW, ELEPHANT POINTING.

SOMETIMES IT'S GOOD,AND SOMETIMES IT'S NOT GOOD.

- RIGHT, SO--

- YOU DON'T THINK I KNOW

THAT YOU KNOWTHAT YOU OWE ME MONEY?

OF COURSE I KNOWYOU OWE ME MONEY.

OF COURSE I KNOW YOU KNOW.

FOR THE SAKE OF THE FRIENDSHIP,

I'M ALMOST TEMPTED TO SAY,"FORGET ABOUT IT.

YOU DON'T OWE ME A NICKEL."

-OH, OKAY, FINE THEN.

- I'M ALMOST TEMPTED TO DO THAT.

EH, THAT--THAT SEEMSTOO MUCH OF A GESTURE.

- I THOUGHT YOU WERE A JEW,

BUT HE TAKES ITTO THE NEXT LEVEL.

HE'S LIKE THE GIFT SHOPAT THE HOLOCAUST MUSEUM.

- [scoffs]

- ON BEHALF OF THE FBI,

I'D LIKE TO THANKALL OF YOU ABDUCTEES

FOR BEING HERE AND PARTICIPATINGIN THIS STUDY.

WE ARE HOPINGTHAT YOUR COMBINED EXPERIENCES

CAN CLEAR UPSOME OF THE MYSTERIES

BEHIND THESE DISTURBINGANAL PROBE ABDUCTIONS.

WE WANT TO KNOW WHY.

WHY?

[echoing]WHY?

- I'M GONNA BE RICH.

OH, THIS ISTHE GRAVY TRAIN, MAN.

I'M GONNA HAVE SO MUCH MONEY,MAN.

I'M GONNA DO A BUTTER CARVINGOF MOUNT RUSHMORE

IN MY BACKYARD.

WHAT THE [bleep]IS THAT?

[screams]

- HERE'S THE NEWTRACKING DEVICE.

- WHERE ARE WE PUTTING IT?

- THREE GUESSES,AND WHO'S "WE"?

- [sighs]

THIS IS WHY I MAKETHE BIG BUCKS.

- OH!

- WHAT THE--THIS--

THERE'S SOMETHIN'IN HERE ALREADY.

- [groans]- AH!

- OH.

- SOME SORT OF BAG.

- HMM.

IT APPEARS TO BEA ZIPLOC POLYMER.

[slurping]

JACKPOT!

- THIS SHIT'S GOOD.

[laughs]

- OH, SUCH SMOOTH SKIN.

- YOU THINK SPACEJUST STOPS SOMEWHERE?

- WHOA!

- [purrs]

SHH, DADDY'S HERE.

- THAT WAS AWESOME!

- WE NEED MORE.

- KEEP LOOKING!

TELL ME IT WAS NOT JUSTA STATISTICAL ANOMALY!

MOTHER[bleep]!

- WE WANT TO KNOW WHY.

WHAT COULD THEY POSSIBLYBE LOOKING FOR

THAT COULD JUSTIFY THE PAINAND HUMILIATION.

- SHUT YOUR MOUTHSAND LISTEN UP.

WE ARE [bleep].

WE'VE GOT A MAJOR CASE TO SOLVE

WITH LESS THAN TWO MINUTESTO DO IT.

NOW, BEFORE WE JUSTHIT THE STREETS

WITHOUT A GODDAMN CLUE,WE NEED A PLAN,

SOME KIND OF PROTOCOL.

WE NEED A--OWEN.

- DAMN STRAIGHT, YOU DO.

SEE WHAT I DID THERE?

[laughs]

[gunshot]

[all gasp]

- LESS THAN TWO MINUTES, PEOPLE.

I AM NOT [bleep] AROUND.

- YOU SHOOT OWEN!

HOW COME?

HE MARRY YOUR DAUGHTER.

HE GIVE YOU THAT MUG.

HE TREAT YOU LIKE HERO.

HOW COME?

- HOW COME?- YEAH.

- HOW COME?

[gunshot]

NO TIME TO--

- WAIT!

AS LONG AS YOU'RE GONNAEXPLAIN IT,

YOU MIGHT AS WELLSTART WRITING IT DOWN.

- [growls]

- WHAT KIND OF CASEDID YOU SAY IT WAS?

- I DIDN'T.

- YOU GOT YOUR BRIEFCASES,SUITCASES, HEAD CASES--

[gunshot]

- NO!

- ENOUGH!

SIT DOWN.

- SELF-DESTRUCT.

[explosion]

- CAPTAIN A,IT'S A DISASTER!

- YES, FINALLY.

THANK GOD.

- NO MORE FRENCH CRULLERS.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

- [roaring]

[gunshot]

- CAPTAIN ARNOLD, TIME'S UP.

WHAT HAPPENS NOW?

[all groaning]

- WELL, SHOW'S OVER.

[clicking]

[telephone rings]

[engines revving]

- [panting]

[engine revving]

- [speaking Japanese]

[aggressive rock music]

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