Your Wedding Sucks

  • Season 1, Ep 7
  • 03/22/2016

Moshe Kasher and Grace Helbig share items from their sexual bucket lists, engaged couples apologize to their friends, and Nikki rails against bikinis.

It's spring break!

And here's a quick question.

Ladies,when was the last time

you had funin a swimming pool?

Oh, that's right --you never do,

because you're wearing this.

I mean, how can we possiblyenjoy ourselves

when the only thingcovering our boobs

are two small triangles

that look like they've beenpulled from a quesadilla?

[ Laughter ]

Congratulations, society.

You tricked us into wearing

our bras and underwearin public.

Good job.

I fell for this for years.

And then, last year,I bought a one-piece,

and it was likeI was reborn.

Sure, I was invisible to men,but I was happy.

Thanks to my one-piece,

I was diving and flipping

and pretendingI was a mermaid again.

And just like a mermaid,no one was gonna see my pussy.

Unh-unh.

Unh-unh-unh-unh-unh.

Thanks to my one-piece,

I wasn't juststanding in the pool,

like, grazing the waterwith my fingertips,

saying things like,

"It's not badonce you get in, Steph.

I swear."[ Laughter ]

[ Scoffs ]

We need to start usingbikinis the right way --

as emergency underwearon laundry day.

[ Cheers and applause ]Thank you.

Thank you.

So, ladies, remember --

the one-piece --

the worst amount of pizza,the best amount of swimsuit.

And, guys, as far as yourbathing suits are concerned,

enough withthe giant floral parachutes.

I've seen a wet dick before.

You don't needall that coverage.

Good night, pervs.

- I'm here today at Hanson's Cakes

to talk to some soon-to-be married couples

to find out if they're really ready to settle down.

And also, cake.

Hi guys!

- Hi!

- How are you?

- What a gentleman.

So you are ready to bewith each other forever?

- For a while.

- For a while?

She could go missing.

You're getting married soon?

- Still planning it right now.

- Still planning, yeah.

- Okay, maybe never.

I want to make sure you've doneeverything you wanted to do

before you really lock it down.

- I'm ready to be locked in.

- How old are you?

- I'm 23.

- All right.

- No pressure.

- Let's go through likea checklist of things

that I hope you have accomplished

going into this marriage.

Because once you're married, you're done.

Have you had a threesome?

- Threesome?

- I haven't.

- No.

- You're cool with neverhaving a threesome.

- Yeah.

- And have you had a foursome?

- No.

- Fivesome?

Five is orgy.

- I think that'salready an orgy.

- That's orgy, okay.

Have you had an orgy or group sex?

- Group sex?

No.

- No for me.

Definitely no.

- Okay.

Have you ever given road head?

- What's that mean?

- That means head on the road.

When you're driving or something like that.

- No.

- Never did that?

- Okay.

- Road head?

- Yes.

- Head on the road?

- Yeah.

- No.

- For me yes.

- Okay.

Have you had a lesbian experience?

- Yes.

- Are you ready to sign off girls the rest of your life?

- No.

- He lets you haverelationships with other girls,

or just hook-ups?

- We haven't like figured that whole scenario out yet.

- Why should you?

You're just getting married.

- Yeah.

- Have you ever had a one night stand?

- No.

- Give me one of your earrings.

- My earring, why?

- Now you've had one.

Have you had sex with a hispanic person?

- Yes, I have.

- Was it con queso?

I mean, caliente?

- Caliente, yeah.

- It was hot?

Okay, cool.

Have you ever done butt stuff?

- Butt stuff?

- Yeah.

- [Both] No.

- No, okay.

Use handcuffs or blindfold?

- No.

- Blindfold, yes.

- On somebody else, huh?

- Yes.

- Okay.

- Have you ever had sexwith a friend of an ex?

- No.

- Yes.

- What friend?

What friend?

What ex?

- I mean, there's a lot you haven't done.

- We could do itwith each other.

- Have you ever been with an Asian?

- No.

- You won't be able to do that with him.

- That's the point, yeah.

- Here's the what's yourfantasy speed round.

Based on the Ludacris song What's Your Fantasy.

Have you moved from the bed down to the down to the floor?

- Of course.

- What about up in that candy sto'?

Chocolate chocolate, make it melt?

- With chocolate?

- Chocolate chocolate.

- With chocolate syrup.

- Make it melt.

Have you had sex in a sauna.

- Yes.

- Yes.

- Jacuzzi.

- Yes.

- Back row of the movies?

- Midrow.

- Up on a roof, roof.

- Yes.

- What about on the Georgia Dome on the fifty yard line

when the Dirty Birds kick for t'ree?

- No.

- What does that mean.

- Like a football field or something.

- Specifically the Georgia Dome.

- No.

- Back seat, windows up?

- No.

- That's the way we like to, yeah.

- Have you ever, ah, ah,

make it so good I don't want to leave.

- Mhmm.

- Yeah.

- You have?

- Mhmm.

- So I just want to know what-what's your fan-ta-ta-sy?

- Our marriage.

- Me too!

I believe in you guys.

As individuals.

As a couple it's just like ugh.

You learned some things today.

- I did.

Yeah, we're going to have a long talk on the way home.

- Absolutely.

- Sorry.

(upbeat syncopated music)

- Sheila and Louie, you guys are getting married.

- Yes.

- When was the last time you two

collectively inconvenienced everyone you know?

- This is gonna be a production.

- Do you guys feel guilty at all

about asking so much of your friends

to come to your wedding?

- I feel like I've gone to their wedding.

- So you see a wedding as an eye for an eye.

- Sort, no.

- He wanted to get married in Paris.

- Are you inconveniencing your friends

at all you think?

- Probably, but wedon't care, do we, baby?

(chuckles)

- So tell me what your bridesmaids

are gonna wear?

- They can wear whatever design

dress they want, but we're gonna

keep it with differentcolors so there will be

blue, purple, green, maybe a yellow.

- So you're making them wear

all the worst colors of the rainbow.

- Those are absolutely great colors.

- Not the yellow.

- Says Skittles?- No, says me.

- I'm gonna make them wear probably sequins,

like kind of like this table over here.

- You bitch. (laughing)

How much are the dresses that

you're asking them to buy?

- I'm hoping it's not more than

a hundred dollars.

Well, hopefully we can pay part of it.

- I almost believed you but not really.

(whimsical music)

What kind of gift will you be

giving your guests other than like

crippling credit card debt?

- Um...

- What about an open bar?

- I know you're supposed to

and it's customary and everyone loves it.

- Yeah, but why would you do something

everyone loves and appreciates?

- [Both] Exactly.

- It's your day.

- [Man] Thank you, you understand me.

- I don't, I really think you guys...

Don't you think you need to apologize?

- Yes.

- I mean, I'm payingfor the wedding, right?

You came, you ate, you ate my food for free.

- Yeah, but theyhad to dress up,

they had to like drive there.

- You're kind of making me feel bad.

- Yeah, you should.

You know what I'm sensing

your guests would really love?

An apology.

- [Both] Probably.

- I have just the thing.

Free wedding apology video.

Your wedding is a burden.

You're back, let's do this.

Wedding apology videosare the next big thing.

I've collected all yourdetails of your wedding,

but what I really needfrom you is your guilt.

I need you to feel sorryfor what you've done.

So let's go film it. - Let's go do this.

(gentle violin music)

- Hi, it's Louie and-- - Sheila.

- We regret to inform you that

you will be invited to our wedding.

- You will be paying for your hotel room,

travel, and of course, multiple gifts.

- Most importantly you need

to remember this is about us.

- But I promise we'll becool again eventually.

Until we have a baby,

then all bets are off.

- We are sorry we're monsters.

- [Both] We're sorry.

- [Both] We're sorry.

- [Both] We're sorry.

- We love you though. - I'm not sorry.

Sorry.

(upbeat music)

(audience applause)

- I'm Nikki Glaser andthis is Even Not Safer.

Tonight I'm here with Grace Helbig and Moshe Kasher.

(applause) Yes, yes, yes yes yes!

Another Saint Patrick'sDay is in the books,

that day where a fun alcoholic is allowed to drink

like a My Daughter Won't Return My Calls alcoholic.

Now besides wearing green and throwing up in Penn Station,

what is Saint Patrick'sDay known for?

That's right, hot, romantic, drunken hookups,

like this one.

(hip-hop music)

- [Audience] Oh!

- [Nikki] Oh God.

- Was she unconscious?

- Yeah that's one time a frat dude

like, unintentionallymade a girl unconscious.

(laughter)

Moshe, have you everhad any drunken hookups

just go wrong?

- Well one time I did actually.

I went home with a girl

and a very similar situation happened.

We were making out and Ithought I would do like

a sexy arm sweep and catch-you kinda situation.

Does that make sense?

Like oh, you're mine,

or whatever. - Yes!

- And I didn't do the second part,

I just went, Oh yeah and she's like, "Guh!"

And hit (laughter)

her head on the back and I was like, oh no, are you okay?

You never wanna ask are you okay--

- [Grace] No. - During sex.

- Or hear the words, oh no.

(laughter)

- So anyways, the next day I remember

I was thinking to myself, this girl's cool but like,

she parties a little too hard and

I know she's gonna be like, super into me

and I'm gonna have to let her down easy

and say you're not really my kind of,

like we don't have compatible lifestyles.

God She's gonna be so pissed off

and she's gonna be so sprung on me and stuff

and we pulled up to herhouse and she's like,

"Okay, bye" and just bailed.

(laughter)

- Grace, what about you,any drunken hookups?

- I lost like a really nice leather jacket.

I left it at the person's house

and then I just didn't want,

like I was that girl, like bye.

When I found out I leftthe leather jacket there

I was just like, aagh!

- His girlfriend was so psyched though.

- I know, you're welcome!

- One time I remember I was at this college party

and I was like, making out with this guy.

So I just decided to do one of those moves

where you're just like, straddle and you go like this.

I wasn't just making out, I was straddling him on a chair,

so I was just like, oh my God,

this is the fucking hottestthing, he'll never forget this.

So my sister is now friends with this guy for some reason.

She's like, "Oh I went hiking with Shawn,

"we asked if he knew you back then

"and he said he'd never met you."

And I'm like, I washumping you on your lap

at a party with many people watching.

Oh God, okay, this has been Not Safe For.

Just remember, when a guy says kiss me, I'm Irish,

what he really meansis, fuck me, I'm lonely.

Later pervs.

(audience applause)

(upbeat electronic music)