Tuesday, September 8, 2015

  • 09/08/2015

Andrea Savage, James Urbaniak and Paul F. Tompkins shop for "Star Wars" merchandise, #RuinABoardGame and list unusual facts about a certain video game plumber.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

ALL THE NERD-A-VERSE CELEBRATEDFORCE FRIDAY WHEN RETAILERS

RELEASED ENOUGH NEW "STAR WARS"TOYS TO FILL A SARLACC PIT.

OH THIS WAS BB8. I[BLEEP]IN'--SO GOOD, SO GOOD.

SHUT UP, PAUL. THIS BB8 TOY'SRAD.

IT IS (BLEEP)ING RAD.

>> I KNOW. HI BALL DROID.>> CHRIS: NO, THERE'S THIS ONE

AND THERE'S THE MILLENNIUMFALCON AND QUAD COPTER.

I PERSONALLY WAS AT MY LOCALTARGET FOR THE MIDNIGHT LAUNCH

BECAUSE I KNOW HOW TO LIVE ANDIF YOU WEREN'T THERE I PITY YOU

BECAUSE YOU ARE DEAD INSIDE.

IT WAS AMAZING.

HERE IS A PICTURE OF ME WITH MYNEW ADOPTED SON.

>> YEAH.

HE IS BLACK, HE'S BLACK.

"I DON'T HAVE TO LISTEN TOYOU.

YOU ARE NOT THE EMPEROR OF ME.

I DON'T HAVE TO SIT DOWN."

>> AND THIS IS REALLY WHY WEBROKE UP.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: I DON'T WANT TO

FORCE YOU TO DO ANYTHING YOUDON'T WANT TO DO.

THE MORE POPULAR TOYS LIKE THEREMOTE CONTROLLED BB8 AND KYLO

REN FIGURE, SOLD OUT QUICKERTHAN THE MILLENNIUM FALCON MADE

THE KESSEL RUN.

BUT THERE MUST BE SOME OTHERSCRAPS OUT THERE, SO COMEDIANS

WHAT ARE SOME LESS POPULAR "STARWARS" TOYS THAT MIGHT STILL BE

IN STOCK?

>> C-3PA, THE TAX ROBOT THATREMINDS YOU IT IS TIME TO DO

YOUR TAXES.

>> Chris: POINTS.

JAMES.

>> THE FLESH LUKE.

IT IS NOW TIME FOR TONIGHT'SHASHTAG WARS.

I MISSED THESE WHILE WE WEREGONE. IT'S BEEN SO LONG.

BOARD GAMES ARE WHERE PEOPLEWOULD TELL YOU THAT THEY

[BLEEP]ED YOUR MOM BEFORE ONLINEGAMING WAS INVENTED.

YOU WOULD INVITE SOME FRIENDSINTO YOUR HOUSE FOR SOME REASON.

THEN YOU WOULD SET UP THE BOARD,SELECT YOUR GAME PIECE, ROLL THE

DICE, LOSE YOUR DICE, AND GOHOME. HOURS OF FUN!

THAT'S WHY TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS#RUINABOARDGAME.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE: TITTYTWISTER, OR [BLEEP] AND

BLADDERS OR PARCHEEZ-DEEZ NUTS.

I AM GOING TO PUT 60 SECONDS ONTHE CLOCK AND BEGIN.

PAUL F. TOMPKINS.

>> MAN-OPOLY. IT'S MONOPOLY, BUTIT'S ONE MAN AND ONE WOMAN

AND THE MAN JUST EXPLAINS THERULES

TO THE WOMAN OVER AND OVERAGAIN.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: POINTS.

ANDREA.

>> GIVE THIS ONE A SECOND.

ANTI-SEMITIC-MANJI.

YOU HAVE TO TAKE A SECOND.

>> Chris: NO, I GOT IT. POINTS.

PAUL.

>> SETTLERS OF CATAN: THE JUSTREADING THE RULES EDITION.

>> Chris: POINTS.

PAUL TOMPKINS.

>> KNIFE GRAB.

>> Chris: THAT IS TERRIBLE.

POINTS.

JAMES URBANIAK.

>> DICK-PICTIONARY.

>> Chris: POINTS. ANDREA SAVAGE.

>> JENGA UNCHAINED.

>> Chris: YES, VERY GOOD.

POINTS. JAMES.

>> CONNECT WHORE.

>> POINTS.

JAMES.

>> SORRY I (BLEEP) ON YOURCARPET.

>> Chris: YES.

>> ALTERNATE VERSION.

>> BUT THAT'S LIFE!

POINTS.

PAUL F. TOMPKINS.

>> THE STANFORD PRISONEXPERIMENT: HOME EDITION.

>> Chris: YES.

PERFECT.

IT'S TIME TO PLAY TIME OF YOURLIFE.

TIME OF YOUR LIFE.

>> NOW, MYSELF HAS A BIT OFVACATION BRAIN BECAUSE WE JUST

HAD OUR TWO-WEEK BREAK BUT YOUGUYS ARE THREE BUSY SHOWBIZ

TYPES. YOU DON'T HAVE THE LUXURYOF TIME OFF.

SO WE TOOK THE LIBERTY OF PHOTOSHOPPING YOU INTO SOME RELAXING

AN INTRIGUING VACATION PICTURESAND WE WOULD LOVE YOU TO TELL US

ALL ABOUT THEM.

YOU HAVE NOT SEEN THESE BEFOREAND YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT PICTURES

WE WILL SCROLL THROUGH BUT WENTTHROUGH YOUR INSTAGRAM AND YOU

ARE GOING TO TELL US ABOUTYOUR AMAZING VACATIONS AND ALL

THE FUN ADVENTURES YOU HAD.

PAUL, LET'S START WITH YOU.

FIRST OF ALL, NOW, PAUL THIS ISGREAT. BY THE WAY, THANK YOU

FOR NOT PUTTING MY ACTUAL WIFE'SFACE ON ANY OF THESE.

>> Chris: WHAT ARE YOU TALKINGABOUT? THESE ARE YOUR VACATION

PICTURES.

>> OF COURSE THEY ARE.

>> Chris: THEY ARE NOTMANIPULATED IN ANY WAY.

>> THIS WAS A BRIS.

>> IT WAS CIRCUS-THEMED AND THISWAS THE ONLY WAY YOU COULD GET

TO THE BUFFET.

>> OKAY. GREAT. SO YOU HAD ANICE LITTLE CELEBRATION

AND THIS WAS PROBABLY ONE OF THEMORE COMPELLING ONES.

>> WELL, LOOK, I GOT REALLY INTOTHAT BRIS.

>> IT IS LIKE -- THIS IS A REALLIFESTYLE CHANGE FOR ME.

AND OBVIOUSLY THINGS CHANGED FORMY WIFE TOO AND -- I AM GOING TO

GIVE YOU 500 POINTS FOR YOURVACATION.

ANDREA YOU ARE UP NEXT.

>> OKAY.

THIS WAS -- IT WAS MY DAUGHTER'SBIRTHDAY.

I DECIDED LET MOMMY SHOOT OUT OFA CANNON AND THEY ACTUALLY SHOT

ME OUT OF A CANNON.

>> Chris: OH, WOW.

>> YES.

>> YOU MEANT IT FIGURATIVELY.

>> YES.

I WAS JUST GOING TO POP OUT OFTHE CANNON BUT THEY ACTUALLY

SHOT ME.

>> Chris: THIS IS NOT YOUDESCRIBING WHERE BABIES COME

FROM?

>> NO, NO, NO.

THAT'S THE NEXT PICTURE.

>> Chris: OKAY.

LET'S SEE THE NEXT PICTURE.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: NOW --

>> THAT IS OBVIOUSLY WHERE I WASDESCRIBING WHERE BABIES COME

FROM.

>> Chris: YOU GUYS HUNG OUT WITHA GIANT BABY.

>> WE HUNG OUT WITH A GIANTBABY.

>> Chris: NOW URBANIAK I KNOWYOU LOVE TO HAVE FUN.

>> I AM KNOWN AS JAMES "VACTION"URBANIAK.

>> LET'S SEE A WHERE YOURVACATION STARTED.

>> WHAT A GREAT TIME.

>> THAT WAS A GOOD TIME. THISIS UP IN NORTHERN CALIFORNIA.

THEY HAVE WHAT THEY CALL DOLLCOUNTRY.

AND YOU GO UP THERE AND THEYHAVE DOLL TASTING.

>> AND THAT IS A -->> DO YOU FINISH THE

WHOLE DOLL OR DO YOU SPIT ITOUT?

>> OH, I ALWAYS FINISH THE DOLL.

>> Chris: MOVING FROM HERE YOUWENT TO...

>> OH, WELL.

>> Chris: TO WASH IT DOWN.

>> MY INSTAGRAM ISPRIVATE SO I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU

GOT THIS PICTURE.

>> LOOK, I HAVEN'T REALLY TALKEDABOUT THIS ON TV BUT THIS IS THE

SCIENTOLOGY CENTER. YOURECOGNIZE IT.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: OF COURSE I DO.

>> AND THAT IS ME AT THE COFFINOF L. RON HUBBARD.

WHEN HE WASN'T PLANNING A NEWRELIGION AND WRITING ABOUT SPACE

ALIENS TAKING OVER HE WAS A REALPABST MAN.

BEFORE THE BREAK I TOLD YOU THATCECIL THE LION'S MURDERER,

DR. PALMER, HEADED BACK TOWORK AFTER NEARLY TWO MONTHS IN

HIDING.

I ASKED YOU TO COME UP WITH AVOICE MAIL THAT HE WILL

DEFINITELY HAVE WAITING FOR HIMWHEN HE RETURNS TO HIS OFFICE.

LET'S CHECK THOSE MESSAGES.JAMES URBANIAK,

LET'S START WITH YOU.

>> YOU'VE REACHED THE OFFICE OFDR. WALTER PALMER. LEAVE A

MESSAGE AND I WILL GET BACK TOYOU. AND I AIN'T LION.

>> HI, DR. PALMER I NEED A CROWNREPLACED, AND CAN YOU DO

SOMETHING ABOUT MY NEIGHBOR'SREALLY LOUD DOG, IF YOU KNOW

WHAT I MEAN?

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: ANDREA.

>> BEEP.

HI, I HAVE BEEN LOOKING THROUGHYELP FOR A GOOD DENTIST, AND

LET'S JUST SAY I LIKED WHAT ISAW.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT.

PAUL F. TOMPKINS.

>> YEAH, HI, DR. PALMER THIS ISTHE NRA. LISTEN, THANKS FOR

KILLING AN ANIMAL, IT REALLYGAVE US A BREATHER FOR A

SECOND THERE.

GO GUNS! PEW, PEW!

AS WE GO TO OUR NEXT GAME,SUPER MARIOLD.

>> OH, MAN.

THIS MAKES ME FEEL OLD.

THIS MONTH MARKS THE 30THANNIVERSARY OF "SUPER MARIO

BROS." IT'S A-ME! MIDLIFECRISIS MARIO!

>> INSTEAD OF MUSHROOMS, NOW HEEATS TRUFFLES!

>> TO CELEBRATE THE MILESTONE,NINTENDO IS RELEASING A LEVEL

CREATOR, "SUPER MARIO MAKER," SOHE CAN SPEND HIS TIME JUMPING

OVER A MILLION BRICK PENISES.

AFTER THREE DECADES THEREMUST BE A TON WE DON'T

KNOW ABOUT MARIO'S INNER LIFE,LIKE WHERE DO YOU EVEN BUY

BRIGHT RED OVERALLS? AND ARE YOUSTILL ACTUALLY A PLUMBER? SO

COMEDIANS, TO CELEBRATE HISBIG 3-0 I WANT YOU TO GIVE ME

SOME LESSER-KNOWN MARIO FACTS.

60 SECONDS ON THE CLOCK ANDBEGIN.

>> PAUL.

>> HE'S-A ME!

>> Chris: POINTS.

YES.

ANDREA SAVAGE.

>> HE ACTUALLY WROTE THEORIGINAL SCREENPLAY TO "PITCH

PERFECT 2."

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> BEFORE HE GETS INTO HIS MARIOKART, HE SPRAYS HIS ENTIRE

MOUTH WITH SILVER PAINT.

>> Chris: POINTS.

ANDREA SAVAGE.

>> HE HAD SEX BUT PREFERS(BLEEP)ING PIPES.

>> Chris: OKAY.

POINTS.

JAMES URBANIAK.

>> THAT'S NOT A MUSTACHE, IT ISA FUZZY TUMOR.

>> Chris: POINTS. ANDREA SAVAGE.

>> HE LOVES TO LAUGH.

>> Chris: JUST LOVES IT.

UNFORTUNATELY, NOT THE CROWD.

NO POINTS. JAMES URBANIAK.>> NOT INTO ZEPPELIN.

>> POINTS.