Small, Foley, Popp, Sparks

  • Season 6, Ep 601
  • 10/26/2002

I WENT TO THE GYM EARLIER.

THAT'S SOMETHING I USUALLY DON'T

DO.

BUT, AH, I WENT TO THE GYM AND--

BECAUSE I HATE WORKING OUT,

YOU KNOW.

AND THEY SEE ME IN THERE,

SO NOW THEY'RE LIKE, YOU KNOW,

TRYING TO GET ME TO GET A

PERSONAL TRAINER BECAUSE THEY

WANT ME TO STAY ON A STEADY

PLAN.

AND I'M LIKE; I AIN'T NO DAMN

PERSONAL TRAINER.

I DON'T WANT NO SKINNY BITCH

HOLLERING AT ME ALL THE TIME.

(LAUGHTER)

I'M GONNA PAY SOMEBODY TO HOLLER

AT ME?

UH-UH.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

AND WHEN YOU GET A PERSONAL

TRAINER, THE FIRST THING THEY

DO, THEY MESS WITH YOUR FOOD.

THEY DO.

YOU EVER SEE-- THEY GO--

"OKAY, WANDA, WELL, FIRST WE'RE

GONNA CUT OUT ALL YOUR CARBS."

"OKAY, WAIT A MINUTE, HOLD UP,

HOLD IT, HOLD IT.

LET ME EXPLAIN SOMETHING TO YOU.

I GOT THIS MEDICAL CONDITION.

AND WHEN YOU CUT OUT MY CARBS,

MY FOOT RIGHT UP YOUR ASS,

I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

FORGET YOU OSAMA, AND YOUR MAMA.

YOU AL QAEDA PLAYA HATER!

WE AIN'T SCARED OF

NO TERRORISTS, MAN, THIS IS

NEW YORK CITY.

FORGET ANTHRAX.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THAT'S RIGHT MAN.

WE AIN'T SCARED OF NO ANTHRAX.

ANTHRAX?

PLEASE.

I GET ON THE A TRAIN.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

LOVE THIS TOWN.

LOVE THIS TOWN.

I'M FROM BROOKLYN, NEW YORK.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

YEAH.

YEAH.

GIVE ME A RIDE HOME.

(LAUGHTER)

EVERYBODY'S LIKE, "SORRY, NEGRO,

QUEENS."

I LOVE BROOKLYN.

THERE'S A LOT OF BLACK PEOPLE

IN BROOKLYN.

OKAY.

(LAUGHTER)

EVERYBODY'S LIKE, "WHERE ARE

THEY?"

THERE'S SO MANY BLACK PEOPLE IN

BROOKLYN, EVEN AFRICANS COME TO

BROOKLYN LIKE...

"OH, NO, TOO MANY BLACK PEOPLE.

I GO BACK TO ZIMBABWE."

NOW I LIVE ON THE

UPPER EAST SIDE OF MANHATTAN.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

NOW I'M THE ONLY BLACK GUY.

THE ONLY OTHER BLACK I SEE

IS MY SHADOW.

HE RUNS HOME.

(LAUGHTER)

BUT THIS WHOLE COUNTRY'S

CHANGING NOW.

YOU KNOW, EVEN LIKE WHITE

PEOPLE.

Y'ALL DON'T SEEM AS WHITE

AS Y'ALL USED TO BE.

(LAUGHTER)

I KEEP GETTING OUT-BLACKED

BY YOUNG WHITE KIDS.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

YEAH.

YEAH.

YEAH.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

THEY DON'T CALL IT BLACK,

THOUGH.

NO, NO, IT'S URBAN BECAUSE IT'S

SAFER THAT WAY.

WHITE KIDS COME RIGHT UP TO ME,

LIKE, "YO!

YYYYYYYYYO!

YO!

YO!"

"YO, WHAT'S THE DILLY, SON!"

I'M LIKE, "HOLD--

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE DILLY IS."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

LET ME LOOK IN MY HOMEBOY

HANDBOOK, OKAY?

OKAY, NOW I SEE 'CHILLIN'.

OH, THE DILLY.

A GREETING USED BY AFRICAN

AMERICAN GHETTO DWELLERS.

OH, HELLO!

(APPLAUSE)

I'M STILL SCARED OF THE COPS IN

NEW YORK.

YEAH, BECAUSE I'M TALL.

OKAY, BECAUSE I'M BLACK.

THEY SHOOT BLACK PEOPLE A LOT,

MAN.

AND THEY SHOOT US A LOT EACH.

THAT'S THE PROBLEM.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU NOTICE THIS,

TOO.

IT'S LIKE WHENEVER SOMETHING

HAPPEN IN THE BLACK AREA,

THE TV NEWS, THEY ALWAYS SEND

THE BLACK REPORTER.

THEY NEVER SEND THE WHITE

REPORTER TO THE GHETTO UNLESS

THEY IN A HELICOPTER ABOVE THE

GHETTO.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

WHAT THE-- IT'S HOARDS OF THEM.

JUST LOOKING DOWN SCARED,

LIKE...

(SOUND OF HELICOPTER BLADES)

"OKAY, FROM UP HERE!

OH, NO, NO, NO, GO A LITTLE

HIGHER.

THEY CAN JUMP."

LISTEN, THAT'S MY TIME, Y'ALL,

NEW

LOVE BEER.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

WHAT A GREAT THING.

I USED TO WORK IN A MICROBREWERY

OUT WEST.

I USED TO BARTEND.

AND THERE WERE 38 BEERS ON TAP.

DELICIOUS.

IT WAS AWESOME.

I'D GET SO EXCITED, PEOPLE WOULD

COME IN AND I'M LIKE "HEY,

WE GOT AMBERS, WE GOT PORTERS,

WE GOT ALES."

AND EVERYONE THAT CAME IN WOULD

HAVE THE SAME REACTION, THEY'D

SEE ALL THE TAPS, THEY'D GO...

(BABBLING)

"I'LL JUST TAKE A BUD."

(LAUGHTER)

THAT'S THE HIGHEST SELLING BEER,

BUD.

AND I FIGURED OUT WHY.

IT'S BECAUSE IT'S ONLY ONE

SYLLABLE.

I FIGURE THE ONLY WAY TO OUTSELL

BUD IS TO BREW A BEER AND CALL

IT LESS THAN ONE SYLLABLE.

LIKE A SOUND.

LIKE-- "UHHHH."

(APPLAUSE)

RIGHT?

(APPLAUSE CONTINUES)

I HATE JOBS.

I'M ACTUALLY WORKING FROM MY

HOME THESE DAYS.

WHICH I THOUGHT WAS LIKE THE

BEST SCENARIO, YOU KNOW?

YOU SLEEP IN, DO WHAT YOU GOTTA

DO, NO BOSS SCREAMING AT YOU,

YOU KNOW, STAY IN YOUR PAJAMAS

ALL DAY.

BUT AFTER FOUR DAYS, I WAS LIKE,

"I'M GONNA NEED TO TALK TO

SOMEONE."

I WAS LIKE LOSING MY MIND.

SOMETHING FUNNY WOULD HAPPEN,

AND I'D BE LIKE, "HEY, DID YOU--

NO."

NO ONE AROUND, YOU KNOW?

I HAVE NO SOCIAL SKILLS LEFT.

YOU'RE LIKE DESPERATE TO TALK

TO SOMEONE.

THE NEXT DAY I GO TO A DELI,

THIS POOR WOMAN WAS JUST HAVING

BREAKFAST.

I'M LIKE, "HEY, HOW ARE YOU?!

HOW YOU DOING?!

I SEE YOU'RE HAVING A CORN

MUFFIN.

I LOVE CORN MUFFINS.

SOMETIMES I GRILL THEM WITH

BUTTER AND SOMETIMES I JUST

SHOVE THEM IN MY FACE!"

I THINK I FREAKED HER OUT.

WHICH IS EASY TO DO.

I SWEAR TO GOD.

PEOPLE GET UPSET WITH EVERYTHING

THESE DAYS.

I LOVE WHEN PEOPLE FREAK OUT

ABOUT THEIR AGE.

THAT'S PROBABLY THE MOST

ANNOYING.

LIKE IT'S RIDICULOUS.

MY FRIEND JUST TURNED 32,

WHICH IS SO YOUNG, YOU KNOW.

TOTALLY FREAKING OUT.

AND IT'S ONLY BECAUSE OUR

CULTURE IS SO OBSESSED WITH

YOUTH, I'M 18, AND THAT'S

RIDICULOUS.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

RIDICULOUS.

I GET UPSET ABOUT SOME THINGS.

I GET UPSET WHEN I SHOP.

I HATE SHOPPING.

ESPECIALLY SHOE SHOPPING.

I HAVE A LITTLE PROBLEM IN THAT

AREA BECAUSE I HAVE A SIZE 10

WIDE.

AS IF 10 CAN'T GET BAD ENOUGH,

YOU KNOW, GIVE HER A WIDE FOOT,

TOO, THAT WOULD BE REALLY FUNNY.

I GO INTO THE STORE, THE WOMAN'S

LIKE, "HI, I'M SUZIE, WELCOME TO

SHOE CASA WHERE YOUR SHOE

PROBLEMS ARE MY SHOE PROBLEMS.

WHAT'S YOUR SIZE?"

I WAS LIKE, "I HAVE A SIZE 10

WIDE."

SHE'S LIKE, "HOLY CRAP!

CODE BLUE, CODE BLUE.

SASQUATCH AISLE FOUR."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

RIDICULOUS.

SO I TRAVEL A LOT FOR COMEDY.

I LOVE TO TRAVEL.

YOU KNOW I'VE BEEN NOTICING THIS

ONE ROAD SIGN THAT I'M OBSESSED

WITH.

IT'S THIS BIG ORANGE

CONSTRUCTION SIGN AND IT'S

WRITTEN IN A LITTLE KID'S

HANDWRITING, AND IT SAYS,

"SLOW DOWN MY MOMMY WORKS HERE.

ABBY."

AND IT'S ALL MISSPELLED.

HAVE YOU SEEN IT?

IT'S LIKE THE "E" IS POINTED

IN THE "S" IS LIKE FLIPPED OVER

AND DIAGONAL.

RIDICULOUS, YOU KNOW?

BUT LIKE-- I GOT THE POINT.

I SLOWED DOWN.

IN FACT, I PULLED OVER, GOT OUT

OF THE CAR, AND FOUND ABBY'S

MOTHER.

I SAID, "EXCUSE ME, MAYBE IF YOU

WEREN'T WHORING IT UP ON THE

CONSTRUCTION SITE, YOUR DAUGHTER

WOULDN'T BE ILLITERATE."

YOU GUYS ARE GREAT,

AUDIENCE MEMBER>> NO!

JESSE POPP>> NO?

OKAY.

I DON'T READ THEM BECAUSE I

THINK THEY'RE FLIMFLAM,

YOU KNOW.

AND IT SEEMS TO ME WHAT THEY DO

IS THEY JUST WRITE THEM REALLY

BROAD AND VAGUE JUST SO THEY CAN

GET AS MANY PEOPLE AS THEY CAN

TO LIKE, SORT OF RELATE TO THEM,

YOU KNOW.

WHAT I THINK THEY SHOULD DO

INSTEAD IS WRITE THEM REALLY,

REALLY SPECIFIC AND JUST MAKE A

HANDFUL OF PEOPLE LIKE FREAK

OUT.

(LAUGHTER)

YOU KNOW, YOU TURN OVER THE

PAPER IN THE MORNING.

IT'S LIKE, "PISCES.

HEY, STEVE...

(LAUGHTER)

HOW'S IT GOING?

ANOTHER DAY AT THE OFFICE, HUH?

ANY-HOO, YOU KNOW THAT GUY,

TONY, FROM PAYABLES, THE ONE

WITH THE MOUSTACHE, ALWAYS

TALKING ABOUT HIS SPEEDBOAT?

YEAH, YOU SHOULD KILL HIM."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

AND THEN YOU TURN ON THE NEWS,

LIKE, "THIS JUST IN.

FOUR TONY'S HAVE BEEN KILLED BY

FOUR STEVE'S."

HOROSCOPE GUY'S LIKE, "I DON'T

KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

IT'S IN THE STARS."

SO I'M A GROWN UP, ANY GROWNUPS

HERE?

A FEW OF THEM?

OKAY.

(APPLAUSE)

IT'S WEIRD, BECAUSE YOU KNOW

I USED TO BE A KID.

I DO ALL THAT WEIRD KID CRAP

KIDS DO.

AND, AH, I DO DON'T IT NOW.

BUT I MEAN THERE WASN'T--

I DIDN'T DECIDE TO STOP DOING

IT.

I JUST-- YOU KNOW--

THERE WASN'T A POINT WHERE

I WALKED INTO MY HOUSE ONE DAY

AND IT WAS LIKE, "YEAH, JUST SO

YOU ALL KNOW, THIS IS GONNA BE

MY LAST FORT."

(LAUGHTER)

BUT I'M NOT VERY GOOD AT IT,

BECAUSE I GOT REALLY BAD CREDIT

AND I'M NOT EVEN GONNA FRONT.

IT'S PRETTY BAD.

I JUST GOT TURNED DOWN FOR A

MAGAZINE SUBSCRIPTION.

(LAUGHTER)

YEAH, I DIDN'T THINK THAT COULD

HAPPEN BUT IT TURNS OUT IT DOES

A LOT.

I DON'T LIKE TO COOK EITHER.

I'M VERY LAZY IS THE THING.

AND I'M LIKE ALWAYS TALKING

MYSELF OUT OF COOKING SOMETHING

THAT'S REALLY EASY, TOO.

I'LL BE AT HOME AND I'LL THINK,

"YOU KNOW WHAT I COULD GO FOR?

A TUNA MELT.

THAT WOULD BE GOOD.

YEAH, I'M GONNA--

I MEAN, CEREAL.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

BUT, YEAH, SO I LIKE TO WATCH

TV, TOO.

AND MY FAVORITE THING ARE LIKE

INFOMERCIALS.

AND I LOVE THE ONES ABOUT ABS.

I DON'T KNOW IF THERE'S SOME

KIND OF SIT UP SCANDAL OR

SOMETHING, BUT THEY'RE REALLY

FROWNED UPON.

THEY GOT THESE THINGS AND THEY

MAKE THEM OUT TO BE THESE

SCIENTIFIC BREAKTHROUGHS BUT

THEY'RE TOTAL PIECES OF JUNK.

AND THE WAY THAT YOU CAN TELL IS

THE ONLY PEOPLE THEY GET TO TALK

ABOUT THEM ARE THESE WEIRDO

FAMOUS PEOPLE THAT YOU THOUGHT

WERE LIKE DEAD, YOU KNOW?

BECAUSE THE THING COMES ON,

IT'S LIKE, "TIRED OF DOING

SIT-UPS?

NOW THERE'S NEW EXPENSIVE

MECHANISM."

AND THE GUY'S LIKE, "HI,

I'M EDGAR ALLEN POE.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I SPENT SIX HOURS ON THE PHONE

WITH IKEA TECHNICAL SUPPORT.

IT WAS HORRIBLE.

SIX HOURS OF THIS...

"UM, CAN I SPEAK TO SOMEONE

WHO ISN'T SWEDISH?

YES, I WAS ASSEMBLING THE KLORN

ENTERTAINMENT CENTER AND I HAVE

BECOME TRAPPED INSIDE.

NO THE-- NO-- I HAVE THE--

IN THE FILE, I KNOW.

I HAVE THE FLORT DESK.

NO, AND THE KLUM CHAIR,

BUT THIS IS THE SNORREL--

NO I AM THE--

NO, I CANNOT REACH THE ALAN

WRENCH FROM HERE.

PLEASE SEND THE SWEDISH CHEF."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

OH, MAN.

I AM SINGLE, IN FACT, AND I AM

LOOKING FOR A GIRL.

I'M ACTUALLY--

I'M TRYING TO SCARE UP A PIECE

OF ASS, AS MY DAD WOULD SAY.

AND--

(LAUGHTER)

PIECE OF ASS IS ALWAYS A STRANGE

THING TO HEAR GUYS CALL A WOMAN.

A PIECE OF ASS?

PIECE OF ASS SOUNDS LIKE

SOMETHING A FBI AGENT FINDS IN A

FIELD, YOU KNOW?

(LAUGHTER)

"CENTRAL, THIS IS AGENT JENKINS,

I FOUND WHAT--

(LAUGHTER)

WELL, IT APPEARS-- IT APPEARS

TO BE A--

(APPLAUSE)

IT APPEARS TO BE A PIECE OF

ASS."

I'M GONNA FLAG IT AND TAG IT

AND BAG IT.

BUT I ACTUALLY MET THIS GIRL

AND I REALLY LIKE HER, I MEAN,

I REALLY LIKE HER, I MEAN,

I REALLY LIKE HER.

I REALLY LIKE HER.

I LIKE HER SO MUCH THAT I'VE

DIED AND GONE TO EIGHTH GRADE.

I'M DROPPING OFF MIXED TAPES

AT HER HOUSE, YOU KNOW.

I GOT HER TO GO OUT ON A DATE

WITH ME.

AND WE GO OUT AND I JUST WANTED

IT TO GO PERFECTLY.

YOU KNOW HOW YOU WANT THE NIGHT

TO GO PERFECT?

AND ON THE INSIDE I WAS COOL.

ON THE OUTSIDE, I LOOKED LIKE

THE ANIMATRONIC BEAR IN THE JUG

BAND AT CHUCK E. CHEESE.

"ARE YOU ENJOYING YOUR SALAD?

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I PICKED THIS PLACE FOR THE

AMBIENCE.

I KNOW WHY I DO IT.

MONOLOGUES".

THAT IS THE WORST VENTRILOQUISM

I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE.

YOU CAN SEE THEIR LIPS MOVING.

IT WAS TERRIBLE.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

AH, COME ON.

BUT YOU KNOW THE MOST

FRIGHTENING THING THE FEMALE

TREND PRESENTLY THAT REALLY

SCARES ME IN THE DATING WORLD

IS BOTOX.

DO YOU GUYS KNOW WHAT BOTOX IS?

WOMEN, HAH-HAH, WOMEN ARE

INJECTING BOTULISM INTO THEIR

FACE, TO PARALYZE THE MUSCLES

THAT CAUSE FACIAL EXPRESSIONS

THAT GIVE THEM WRINKLES.

WHAT?!

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I JUST LOOK AT BOTOX AS ANOTHER

FORM OF CONTRACEPTION.

BECAUSE WHO WANTS TO HAVE SEX

WITH THIS?

(LAUGHTER)

WOW, HONEY.

SUPER.

I ACTUALLY--

I WATCHED THIS SPECIAL ON THE

"DISCOVERY CHANNEL" ON THE

HISTORY OF CONTRACEPTIVES.

IT WAS FABULOUS.

AND THE OLDEST KNOWN ONE WAS

IN EGYPT ABOUT 3,000 YEARS AGO.

THEY USED TO USE CROCODILE DUNG,

AND I'M SURE IT WORKED.

"HONEY, I'M GONNA PART YOU LIKE

THE RED SEA TONIGHT.

GET READY FOR--"

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

"HAVE YOU BEEN IN THE NILE

AGAIN?"

BUT THE OLDEST ONE THAT WAS

SUCCESSFUL WAS IN THE YEAR 500

IN FRANCE, WOMEN USED TO USE

LEMONS.

FASCINATING.

THEY WOULD SLICE A LEMON

IN HALF, INSERT HALF OF IT

INSIDE THEMSELVES, THE SHAPE

WOULD ACT AS A DIAPHRAGM AND

THE LEMON JUICE WOULD ACT AS A

SPERMICIDE.

IT WAS A VERY EFFECTIVE

CONTRACEPTIVE.

AND ALSO EXPLAINS WHY A LOT OF

FRENCH MEN TALK LIKE THIS,

BONJOUR, COMO TALLEY VOUS--

OH, YEAH, YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU,

BUT DOES ANYONE HAVE A

WATERMELON JOLLY RANCHER

BECAUSE--"

MY NAME'S HAL SPARKS.

THANKS

Loading...