CC Presents: Red Grant

  • Season 13, Ep 14
  • 01/11/2009

MY LATINOS.

OH, MY LATINO BROTHERS.MY LATINO...

[ TRILLING ]

[ LAUGHS ]

YOU GOT TO HAVE FUN IN LIFE.

I'M GLAD TO SEEY'ALL HAVING FUN

'CAUSE YOU GOT TO HAVE FUNIN LIFE.

HMM? HMM?

'CAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW IF YOU'REGONNA BE HERE TOMORROW.

HMM?

YOU GOT TO HAVE FUN TODAY'CAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW.

IF YOU MESS AROUNDAND DON'T HAVE FUN TONIGHT,

WAKE UP IN THE MORNING,BE IN FRONT OF GOD,

HE BE LOOKING AT YOU LIKE,"MNH.

YOU SHOULD'VE HAD FUNLAST NIGHT."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"THERE AIN'T NO COMEDY CLUBSUP HERE.

THERE AIN'T NOTHING BUT CLOUDS."

[ LAUGHTER ]

I'M GONNA TELL YOU --SOME PEOPLE ARE GONNA DIE ANGRY.

HMM?

THEY'RE GONNA STILL BEIN THEIR CASKET

MAD AT THE WORLD.

"THAT'S THAT BULL [BLEEP]

"I TOLD THEMI WANTED A BLACK SUIT.

"WHO PUT A GREEN SUIT ON ME?!

I AM NOT A LEPRECHAUN!"

SO HAVE FUN IN LIFE'CAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW IF --

UNTIL THE LAST TRIMESTER.

YOU KNOW,AND SOME OF YOU BABIES,

WHETHER YOU KNOW IT OR NOT,WILL NEVER BE CUTE.

YOU GONNA HAVE UGLY BABIES.

YOU CAN TELLWHEN YOUR BABY UGLY.

WHEN THE DOCTORHANDS YOU YOUR BABY,

YOU DON'T SAY NOTHIN'RIGHT AWAY.

YOU KNOW, HE BE LIKE,"HERE'S YOUR BABY."

YOU BE LIKE, "MM."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"YOU SURE HE MINE?

'CAUSE I AIN'T NEVER SEEN A BABYWITH TEETH BEFORE."

YOUR BABY LOOKING AT YOU,SMILING ALREADY...

WITH A LOOSE NECK.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ LAUGHS ]

YOU KNOW YOUR BABY UGLY,

HOW PEOPLE SAY "AW"WHEN THEY SEE YOUR BABY.

THE LONGER THE "AW" IS,THE CUTER YOUR BABY IS.

YOU KNOW,WHEN YOUR BABY REAL CUTE,

YOU ROLL UP IN A CUTE STROLLER,

GOT THEM ON A CUTE OUTFIT.

YOU KNOW, YOU ROLL UP, PEOPLEBE LIKE, "LET ME SEE THE BABY.

LET ME SEE THAT BABY."

HE BE LIKE, "AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

"HE IS SO CUTE!

WHAT IS HIS NAME?"

WHEN HE CUTE,YOU GOT A CUTE NAME FOR HIM.

HIS NAME IS "ADORABLE."

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT WHEN IT'S AN UGLY BABY,IT GOT AN UGLY NAME.

YOU KNOW, THEY BE LIKE,"WHAT'S YOUR BABY NAME?

WHAT'S THE BABY NAME?"

YOU BE LIKE, "BARTHOLOMEW."

OKAY, A BARTHOLOMEW.

[ LAUGHS ]

YOU EVER SEE A BABYTHAT KNOW THEY UGLY?

AND THEY BE SITTINGIN THEIR BABY, LITTLE CHAIR,

AND THEY BE MAD AS HELL.

THEY BE LIKE [GURGLES]

YOU BE TRYING TO TALKTO HIM, LIKE,

"W-WHAT'S WRONG, LITTLE BABY?"

THEY BE, "WHAT YOU LOOKING AT?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU BE LIKE, "A UGLY BABY."

"YES."

THAT COME FROM MESSIN' WITH THEMGARGOYLE GIRLS, FELLAS.

SOME OF Y'ALL BE MESSIN'WITH THEM GARGOYLES.

I KNOW I AIN'T THE ONLY ONETHAT GOT CAUGHT WITH A GARGOYLE.

[ LAUGHS ]

THAT'S WHY YOU GOT TO FINDTHE RIGHT WOMAN, MAN.

YOU MESS WITH THESE UGLY GIRLS,IT'S MESSED UP.

YOU DON'T KNOW YOU DONE MESSEDWITH AN UGLY GIRL

TILL YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING,AND SHE BE JUST THERE.

YOU BE LIKE, "SHOOT!"

DON'T YOU WISH YOU COULD TURNINTO HARRY POTTER?

WHEN YOU GOT AN UGLY GIRLNEXT TO YOU IN THE MORNING,

YOU WISH YOU CAN JUST CASTA POOF SPELL ON HER ASS,

AND SHE CAN JUST LEAVE.

WHEN YOU SEE HER,YOU BE LIKE, "OHH.

"FROM THE SWORDS OF HELL

"AND THE STINKY BREAD,

RISE, UGLY GIRL,GET OUT OF MY BED!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

WHETHER YOU KNOW IT OR NOT,

MOST OF Y'ALL IN HERE --OR ALL Y'ALL IN HERE --

WHETHER YOU KNOW IT OR NOT,WAS THE FIRST SPERM TO THE EGG.

OUT OF MILLIONS OF SPERMS,YOUR ASS MADE IT FIRST.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU WAS WIGGLING YOUR ASS OFF.

I REMEMBER THAT DAYWHEN I CAME OUT THE CHUTE.

IT WAS A WARM, WET DAY IN MARCH

'CAUSE I WAS BORN IN DECEMBER.

I CAN REMEMBERTHE SPERM COMMANDER

COMING OUT LIKE,"ALL RIGHT, BOYS, HERE WE GO.

"THE FIRST ONE TO THE EGGGONNA LIVE

"AND THE REST OF Y'ALLGONNA DIE.

SO YOU ABOUT TOWIGGLE YOUR ASS OFF."

[ LAUGHTER ]

I REMEMBER FLOWINGTHROUGH THE FALLOPIAN TUBES.

AND I COULD SEE THE EGGON THE HORIZON.

I WAS LIKE -- IT WAS SHINY.

THERE WAS TWO OTHER SPERMSOUTSIDE THE EGG,

WAS FIGHTINGWITH EACH OTHER LIKE,

"GET AWAY FROM HERE,YOU WASTELESS NUT!"

"NO, YOU MOVE OUT THE WAY,YOU PREMATURE SPERM!"

THEY DIDN'T SEE ME COMING.

I WAS LIKE,"HERE I COME, EGGIE!"

[ GRUNTS ]

I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S HOWI LOOKED WHEN I WENT THROUGH,

BUT THAT'S HOW I FELT.[ GRUNTS ]

I WAS IN THERE, YOU KNOW,SELLING IT,

GETTING MY CUTE FEATURES RIGHT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

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