Drew Michael

  • Season 5, Ep 4
  • 09/02/2016

Drew Michael brainstorms about how he'd like to resolve an argument with his girlfriend and explains how conservatives can be accidentally progressive.

I can't believe peoplestill get married.

It's like, "What are you, two?"

"Oh, this is my wife."

It's like, "Dude, grow up.

"You're 35, your 'wife?'


Now, don't get me wrong, I'm notknocking the idea of monogamy.

If you find someoneyou can be with

and you want to make it work, Ithink that's, that's great.

Truly. You have, you havethe perseverence, the love,

the commitment, the trust.

To make that work?

That's a beautiful thing andyou should hold onto that.

I just don't think you shouldtell anyone about it.

You know?Certainly not the government.

That's, like, a weirdfirst step.

Like, you're in bed with theperson you love

more than anything, eyes areenflammed with passion,

like, "I love you."

"I love you, too."

It's like, "I'm gonna love youuntil I die."

It's like, "(gasps) Holy shit,we should let the people

"who run the DMV know.

"We should tell them."

I, uh, I'd never been cheated onbefore, it was-- it's not good.

It lives up to the hype.You know?

Cheating, it's not--it brings up just--

trust and abandonment issuesjust, (groans)

Like, it's bad.

And I told her, I said, "I thinkthis is a deal-breaker for me.

"I don't think I can--I think this is it."

And she, she said somethingI think a lot of people say

after they cheat.

She said, "I'm sorry,I made a mistake.

"I made one mistake."

Like, "Can you just forgive myone mistake?"

Like, "I love you, can you maybeget past this one mistake?

"Can we work through thisone mistake?

"Can you just forgive thisone mis--"

It's like, "Wh-- one?"

One mista-- how is cheatingone mistake?

Cheating is like fifty mistakesin a row.

One mistake is, like, you takesomeone else's coat

by accident.

That's one mistake.

You add the tip wrong ona credit card reciept.

That's one mistake.

Cheating is a complex algorithmof steps.

All the steps are necessaryin order to pull off

the task of cheating.

Right, you know how easy it isnot to (bleep) somebody?

Like, I have not (bleep) almostevery person ever, like--

It's pretty easy, like,cheating is not one mistake,

it's a series of mistakes youmade in succession.

You texted him, you met him ata bar, you got drinks with him,

you got too many drinks withhim, you went back to his

apartment, you laid down on hisbed, you made out with him,

you took off his clothes,you took off your clothes,

you got his dick hard,you got your pussy wet,

you used it to (bleep) his dickover and over and over

until it (bleep) onto you andthen you were like,

"Oh-ho-ho, whoops!"


How is that one mistake?

What, did you slip and all thatstuff just happened?

Like, you can't--

That's a process.

You cannot say a whole processis one mistake.

Nobody ever bakes a cake,gets all the ingredients

from the store, follows therecipe step by step,

puts it into the oven, takes itout and is like,

"Oh, shit, a cake?

"I meant to do my taxes!"


(softly) No.

You can't mail the IRS a bundtcake, they're gonna be like,

"What the hell iswrong with you?"

"Sorry, I made one mistake."