CC Presents: Craig Shoemaker

  • Season 9, Ep 19
  • 06/16/2005

I'M GONNA GET ANOTHER APPLAUSE,

WE JUST HAD A BABY.

MY WIFE AND I JUST HAD A NEW

BABY.

A BABY BOY, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

VERY EXCITED ABOUT THIS.

I WAS THERE FOR THE WHOLE BIRTH

PROCESS.

FIRST WE HAD TO INTERVIEW THE

DOCTOR WHO WAS GOING TO DELIVER.

THE OBGYN, SOUNDS LIKE A

STAR WARS CHARACTER DOESN'T IT?

"OOOOHHH, THE OBGYN, OOOHHH."

"IS YOUR WIFE NAKED, NAKED

SHE WILL BE."

[LAUGHTER]

I WAS A LITTLE UNCOMFORTABLE

WITH THIS INTERVIEW.

WE HAD TO INTERVIEW THE DOCTOR

WHO WAS GOING TO DELIVER AND

HE'S LIKE THIS REALLY

GOOD-LOOKING DOCTOR YA KNOW.

I'M NOT GAY BUT I'D BONE THIS

GUY LET ME TELL YA SOMETHING.

[LAUGHTER]

AND WE'RE SITTING THERE MY WIFE

IS SMILING AWAY.

ALL OF A SUDDEN SHE STANDS UP,

SHE PULLS HER PANTS DOWN!

I'M, HOW THE HELL DID YOU DO

THAT?

YOU DIDN'T EVEN BUY HER DINNER!

THEN HE PULLS A CAMERA OUT.

I SAID, "I BEEN TRYING THAT

[BLEEP] FOR SIX MONTHS!"

[LAUGHTER]

WE DID THE WHOLE BIRTH PROCESS.

I WAS THERE FOR THE UH,

WE DID THE NATURAL CHILDBIRTH.

YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS,

THE LAMAZE YA KNOW.

AND THAT WAS, YA KNOW, WE DID

ALL THE REHEARSAL I'M THERE,

"OKAY HERE WE GO HONEY,

HEE HEE, HOO HOO."

SHE ABANDONS THE WHOLE THING,

GRABS ME BY THE NECK,

"EPIDURAL, EPIDURAL!"

I'M IN THE HALLWAY FREAKING OUT,

"WHERE'S DR. EPIDURAL?"

"GET HIM IN HERE NOW.

SHE'S GONNA KILL ME!"

THIS GUY COMES IN THERE AND

HE HOOKS HER UP WITH THIS STUFF,

SHE'S LIKE, "HELLO ANGEL!"

SHE'S IN A GOOD MOOD.

LOVIN' ME.

I GOT THAT ON SPEED DIAL.

AND THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHAT

THE BABIES LOOK LIKE WHEN THEY

COME OUT.

I THOUGH IT'D COME OUT LIKE

A DOLL YA KNOW.

INSTEAD IT COMES...

"ARRRR...

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"WHOA, WHOA, PUT HIM BACK IN,

HE'S GOT TO BAKE A LITTLE WHILE

LONGER!"

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

MY WIFE'S A GOOD-LOOKING WOMAN.

SHE GAVE BIRTH TO AN ALIEN.

HE'S BALD WITH A POINT ON HIS

HEAD.

PEOPLE GO, "AWE, HE LOOKS LIKE

YOU."

AS IF I WAS FROM NEPTUNE!

I GOT TO SAND DOWN THE POINT

AND GIVE HIM ROGAINE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THEY GIVE YOU A LOT OF HELP

THERE WHEN YOU RAISE KIDS,

YA KNOW.

WE HAVE ANOTHER BOY, JUSTIN.

AND JUSTIN AND JARED NOW AND

AS YA KNOW AS SOON AS THEY'RE

BORN WE PUT THEM IN HIS CRIB,

LISTENS TO BABY MOZART PUTS HIM

TO SLEEP, SUPPOSED TO MAKE HIM

SMARTER.

WHEN I WAS A KID IN MY CRIB

IN PHILADELPHIA, I WAS LISTENING

TO MY GREAT AUNT CHAIN SMOKING

MARLBORO REDS SINGING ME A

LULLABY.

[IN HUSKY VOICE] "AND WHEN

THE BOW BREAKS...

THE CRADLE WILL FALL...

DOWN WILL COME CRAIGY...

[HACKS]

HERE PLAY WITH MY SMOKE RINGS."

THAT'S A TRUE STORY.

[LAUGHTER]

THEY HAVE SO MANY DIFFERENT

THINGS NOW.

MY SON JUSTIN HE LOVES

THOMAS THE TRAIN.

YOU EVER HEAR OF THIS

THOMAS THE TRAIN?

THE TANK ENGINES OF THIS LITTLE

TRAIN.

THEY NAME THEM DONALD AND TOBY.

ONE DAY JUSTIN HAS A BUNCH

OF THEM SPREAD OUT IN THE

RESTAURANT ON THE TABLE

AND THE WAITRESS COMES OVER

AND SHE GOES, "THAT'S THOMAS

THE TANK ENGINE, IS THOMAS

YOUR FAVORITE?"

AND JUSTIN SAYS, "NO I LIKE

PERTHY."

PERCY'S ONE OF THE TRAINS.

UNFORTUNATELY, HE CAN'T

PRONOUNCE HIS R'S YET.

IMAGINE MY HORROR THE WHOLE

RESTAURANT HEARS MY 4 YEAR-OLD

BLURT OUT, "I LIKE, PUTHSSY."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S DADDY'S FAVORITE TRAIN,

TOO!

[LAUGHTER & APPLAUSE CONTINUE]

I DIDN'T HAVE A DAD GROWING UP,

MY DAD LEFT WHEN I WAS BORN.

I STILL HAVE ABANDONMENT ISSUES

FROM THAT.

I CAN'T TAKE IT WHEN A WAITER

LEAVES MY TABLE.

"WHERE YA GOING?"

"I'M GETTING YOUR FOOD, SIR."

"OH, SURE YOU ARE.

HE'S NOT COMING BACK."

PROUD OF MY MOM, MY MOM RAISED

US ALL BY HER SELF.

SHE HAD IT TOUGH, SHE HAD

TO PLAY BOTH ROLES YA KNOW.

"WAIT 'TIL YOUR FATHER GETS

HOME."

[LOWERED VOICE] "I'M HERE."

[LAUGHTER]

NO IDEA WHO WAS GOING TO

GREET ME EVERY DAY.

"WASH THE DISHES."

"PULL MY FINGER."

[LAUGHTER]

GREW UP WITH ALL FEMALES

IN THE HOUSE, ALL GIRLS.

MY FIRST SHAVE WAS WITH AN

EPILADY.

IT HURT LIKE HELL.

MY MOM DID EVERYTHING A DAD

WOULD.

SHE TAUGHT ME HOW TO PLAY BALL.

SHE WASN'T VERY GOOD.

I ENDED UP THROWING LIKE THIS.

[LAUGHTER]

I WAS 19 UNTIL I FIGURED OUT,

I'M RIGHT-HANDED.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

MY MOTHER GAVE ME MY DRIVING

INSTRUCTIONS.

THAT'S RIGHT.

I'M NOT SUCH A GREAT DRIVER

BUT I CAN CHANGE ALL MY CLOTHES

AT A STOPLIGHT.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M NOT AFRAID TO CRY TO GET OUT

OF A TRAFFIC TICKET.

THAT'S RIGHT.

[WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

I'M NOT PROUD.

THAT COP PULLS ME OVER,

"PLEASE DON'T GIVE ME A TICKET.

I'M HAVING A BAD WEEK,

I'M BLOATED."

[LAUGHTER]

MY GRANDMOTHER LIVED WITH US

GROWING UP.

MY GRANDMOTHER SMOKES AND

GROWS POT.

YEAH, YOUR GROWN AND YOU HAVEN'T

LIVED TO SEEN YOUR OLD GRANNY

HOEING WEED IN THE BACKYARD.

"HAH.

WE GOT A BUMPER CROP OVER HERE.

I'M TELLING YOU, THIS [BLEEP]

WILL [BLEEP] YOU UP!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M AS HIGH AS FIVE PEOPLE

RIGHT NOW.

GOOD TO SEE ALL MY

GRANDCHILDREN."

"NO, IT'S JUST ME, NANA."

"I'M WASTED."

AND I QUIT SMOKING POT

A LONG TIME AGO.

IT'S WEIRD WHEN YOU QUIT BEFORE

YOUR GRANDMOTHER DOES.

VISIT HER, SHE GIVES ME

PEER PRESSURE.

"COME ON, LIGHTEN UP, WILL YA?

HAVE A JOINT WITH YOUR

GRANDMOTHER.

WHAT A WUSSY.

COME HERE, LET ME GIVE YOU A

SHOTGUN."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'D HAVE THESE BIG GRANNY LIPS

COMING AT ME.

AND SHE COULD WHISPER IN HER

OWN EAR.

[LAUGHTER]

"LET ME WRING THAT OUT FOR YOU,

NANA."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I ALWAYS WONDER MY LEGACY'S

GONNA BE YA KNOW WHAT I MEAN,

MY ETHNIC BACKGROUND.

I WAS BROUGHT UP WITH THREE

DIFFERENT RELIGIONS, CATHOLIC,

PROTESTANT, JEWISH.

IT'S CONFUSING.

EVERY HOLIDAY I'M LIKE,

"PASS, THE HAM.

WHOOPS, WRONG DAY."

[LAUGHTER]

ETHNICALLY, WE GOT GERMAN,

IRISH, NATIVE AMERICAN INDIAN.

NO DRINKIN' IN MY FAMILY!

[LAUGHTER]

I CAME RIGHT OUT OF THE WOMB,

"WHOOOOOO!"

YEAH, THEY CUT THE CORD

THEY FOUND AN OLIVE.

MY FIRST BREATH WAS A .23.

[LAUGHTER]

MY UNCLE STEVE HE USED TO BE

AN INFLUENCE, HE USED TO SAY,

"LOOK, I'D RATHER BE A

GOOD LIVER THAN HAVE ONE."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

Craig Shoemaker: THIS IS SUCH

A NEW LIFE FOR ME THIS WHOLE

THING THOUGH, THE FAMILY THING.

TO GIVE YOU AN IDEA OF MY LIFE

IN A NUTSHELL, HOW DIFFERENT

IT IS.

I WAS WITH MY SINGLE FRIENDS

THEY'RE HERE TONIGHT.

WE'RE AT THIS OUTDOOR CAFE HERE

IN NEW YORK.

THIS IS MY LIFE IN A NUTSHELL.

THEY'RE CHECKING OUT EVERY WOMAN

THAT GOES BY.

MY FRIEND BOBBY GOES, "LOOK AT

THE RACK ON HER!"

I'M GOING, "LOOK AT THAT

STROLLER SHE'S PUSHING!

THAT'S A GREICO 2000."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M WITH MY SINGLE FRIENDS

I REALIZE ALL THEY TALK ABOUT

IS CONQUESTS.

CONQUESTS.

I'M WITH MY MARRIED FRIENDS NOW

I REALIZE WE HAVE NOTHING

TO DISCUSS.

WHAT ARE WE GOING TO TALK ABOUT?

"GUESS WHAT GUYS?

I NAILED MY WIFE AGAIN LAST

NIGHT."

'THAT'S THREE TIMES THIS MONTH,

SHE'S A HO!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S A TRUE STORY.

THEY'RE ALL TALKING ABOUT THE

NEW CARS AND STUFF.

I PULL UP IN THE MINI VAN,

THE LOSER CRUISER.

[LAUGHTER]

THERE'S NO DENYING A MINI VAN.

THIS THINGS LIKE...

[SINGS CIRCUS MUSIC]

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I MIGHT AS WELL BE DRIVING

THE OSCAR MEYER WIENER MOBILE.

THERE IS GOOD NEWS ABOUT A

MINI VAN, I'M TELLING YOU,

YOU NEVER GET PULLED OVER IN A

MINI VAN.

YOU COULD HAVE A HOOKER STRAPPED

TO YOUR HOOD, DOING MOCK FIVE.

THE COPS WILL GO, "AH, LET HIM

GO.

HE'S SUFFERED ENOUGH FOR

GOD'S SAKES."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH MY WIFE, SHE'S THE

NAVIGATIONAL SYSTEM.

OUR WHOLE HOUSE, SHE TOOK OVER

THE WHOLE HOUSE.

SHE DECORATES THE WHOLE THING,

YA KNOW.

I MEAN, I LIKE DECORATING.

WHEN I WAS A BACHELOR, LIKE,

MY BACHELOR BATHROOM, I HAD

ONE TOWEL.

WHEN IT GOT HARD, I THREW IT OUT

AND BOUGHT ANOTHER ONE.

[LAUGHTER]

TRUE STORY.

NOW WE HAVE DECORATIVE TOWELS.

I USE THOSE, THAT'S THE

PENALTY BOX FOR THREE WEEKS.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW WHAT I DO WHEN SHE'S

NOT AROUND?

I LOCK THAT BATHROOM DOOR

"HERE'S YOUR DECORATIVE TOWEL.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S RIGHT.

I PAID FOR IT.

I'M GOING TO USE IT.

[LAUGHTER & APPLAUSE CONTINUE]

THEN I FOLD IT AND PUT IT BACK.

JUST CONSIDER THAT IN CASE

YOU'RE EVER INVITED OVER THE

SHOEMAKER HOME.

YOU'LL BE WASHING YOUR HANDS

"OH, I DON'T THINK SO."

[LAUGHTER]

THIS QUEER EYE SHOW IS COSTING

ME MONEY.

MY WIFE'S GETTING DECORATING

TIPS.

NOW, NOW SHE WANTS FENG SHUI,

EVER HEAR OF THIS FUNG SHUI,

FENG SHUI?

IT'S ANCIENT CHINESE WORD

WHICH MEANS, PUT YOUR HUSBANDS

CRAP IN THE GARAGE.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M STARTING MY OWN SHOW,

YOU LOOK OUT FOR THIS SHOW.

IT'S CALLED, STRAIGHT EYE

FOR THE WHIPPED GUY.

[LAUGHTER]

I KNOW YOU'RE OUT THERE FELLAS,

AND I'M HERE TO HELP!

I KNOW YOUR THERE, COME ON,

RAISE YOUR HAND IF THIS IS TRUE

FOR YOU.

IF THE NUMBER OF PILLOWS ON

YOUR BED EXCEEDS THE NUMBER OF

TIMES YOU'VE HAD SEX IN THAT

BED THIS MONTH, PLEASE RAISE

YOUR HAND.

[LAUGHTER]

LOOK.

THEY'RE ALL OVER THE PLACE,

WHIPPED GUYS.

LET'S HAVE A PILLOW COUNT.

HOW MANY PILLOWS IN YOUR BED?

>> ELEVEN.

Craig Shoemaker: ELEVEN PILLOWS?

[LAUGHTER]

OH, YOU NEED AND INTERVENTION,

MY FRIEND.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

WHAT ARE YOU BUILDING A FORT?

ALL YOU NEED IS TWO FOR YOUR

HEAD, MAYBE ONE TO PROP YOUR

[BLEEP] UP, THAT'S ABOUT IT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THEY'RE CALLED THROW PILLOWS

FOR A REASON, THROW THEM OUT,

MY FRIEND.

I KNOW YOU GUYS ARE OUT THERE,

YOU WHIPPED GUYS.

IF UPON ENTERING YOUR OWN HOME

YOU REMOVE YOUR SHOES,

YOU BETTER BE ASIAN OR YOU ARE

A WHIPASAURUS!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

Craig Shoemaker: HERE'S ONE

FOR YOU FELLAS, RAISE YOUR HAND

IF THIS IS TRUE.

IF YOUR FAMILY DOG FITS IN YOUR

GLOVE COMPARTMENT...

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT KIND YOU HAVE?

Man: CHIHUAHUA.

Craig Shoemaker: CHIHUAHUA.

FEELING GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF,

ARE YA?

WHAT DO YOU HAVE, DENTAL FLOSS

FOR A LEASH?

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S ALL RIGHT I HAD A DOG

HALF PIT BULL HALF POODLE.

NOT MUCH OF A GUARD DOG,

[LISP] BUT A VISCOUS GOSSIP.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

[CHEERS AND WHISTLES]

CHIHUAHUA.

ACTUALLY I HAVE A DACHSHUND

AND MY WIFE BROUGHT IT INTO

THE MARRIAGE, MY STEP DOG.

[LAUGHTER]

AS IF IT WASN'T SO BAD DRIVING

A MINI VAN, NOW I'M WALKING A

WIENER DOG.

AND SHE FEEDS IT TOO MUCH IT'S

LIKE KIELBASA I'M WALKING DOWN

THE STREET.

IT'S GOT THIS BIG GUT DRAGGING

ON THE GROUND.

"GET ME OFF THE CEMENT,

THIS HURTS!"

[LAUGHTER]

"LOOK OUT FOR THAT SPEED BUMP!"

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

GOT STUCK ON A SPEED BUMP,

THIS BIG FAT SAUSAGE.

DOES ANYBODY HAVE A DACHSHUND?

APPLAUD IF YOU HAVE A DACHSHUND?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

CAN YOU VERIFY LOUDLY FOR THE

CROWD, YES OR NO, DOES YOUR DOG

BURROW UNDER THE COVERS?

YES, EVERY DACHSHUND DOES IT.

THE DOG SLEEPS WITH US.

THERE'S ME MY WIFE AND U-BOAT

COMMANDER.

[LAUGHTER]

AND THEY DO IT CAUSE THEY'RE

TRAINED IN HISTORY TO BURROW

UNDER THE GROUND TO HUNT FOR

BADGERS.

I SLEEP IN THE NUDE!

[LAUGHTER]

"HEY, HEY, HEY, THAT'S NO BADGER

YOU'RE DIGGING FOR THERE!"

"YOU JUST MET YOUR DADDY."

I REMEMBER ONE TIME I WASN'T

USED TO IT AT FIRST,

I ROLLED OVER, I'M HALF ASLEEP,

ALL OF A SUDDEN A WET NOSE IS

UP MY ASS.

"WHOA HONEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING

BACK THERE?

WHAT'S YOU READ A COSMO ARTICLE,

I DON'T GO FOR THAT!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BUT I'M A SOLUTION GUY,

CHIHUAHUA MAN.

THIS IS WHAT I DID, I WENT OUT

AND I GOT A DOG.

I GOT A MALE DOG FOR OUR HOUSE.

IT'S TOO FEMINIZED.

I'M GOING TO GET A MALE DOG.

I SWEAR THIS IS TRUE.

JUSTIN AND I SAID, "COME ON,

LET'S GO GET A DOG."

WE WENT TO THE POUND TO RESCUE

A DOG.

AND I'M LOOKING FOR, YA KNOW

A REAL MALE DOG.

AND THERE HE WAS, IT'S LIKE HE

WAS AUDITIONING, "HEY PICK ME,

I'M A MALE DOG, I GOT BIG BALLS,

LOOK AT THESE BALLS!

BIG, BIG BALLS, I'M FOR YOU,

I GOT BIG MALE BALLS!"

[LAUGHTER]

I GO, "HE'S FOR US."

WE SIGNED HIM OUT, I SWEAR

THIS IS TRUE, INTRODUCE HIM

TO CAROLINE, SHE TAKES HIM RIGHT

TO THE VET, GETS HIS NUTS

CUT OFF.

[LAUGHTER AND MOANS]

THE DOG IS LOOKING AT US GOING,

"THIS IS A RESCUE?"

"I'D RATHER BE ON DEATH ROW

LOOKING AT MY OWN NUTS."

POOR DOG.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

SHE LOVES THAT BOOK, MEN ARE

FROM MARS, WOMEN ARE FROM VEGAS,

WHEREVER THAT IS.

[LAUGHTER]

LISTEN, WOMEN GOING,

"IT'S 'VENUS'."

THEY'RE UP HERE GOING,

"IT'S 'VENUS'."

THEY'RE CORRECTING ME.

THAT'S GREAT, MY WIFE IS

3000 MILES AWAY, I GUESS YOU'RE

REPRESENTING.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"WE GOT YOUR BACK, GIRL!"

[APPLAUSE CONTINUES]

LADIES, WHAT DO YOU THINK

IT SAYS IN THIS BOOK,

THE NUMBER ONE QUALITY YOU WANT

IN A MAN?

YELL IT OUT.

WHAT DO YOU THINK IT IS?

Woman: SENSE OF HUMOR.

Craig Shoemaker: SENSE OF HUMOR.

THAT WAS NUMBER TWO, WHAT A

CROCK THAT IS!

I MADE SOME WOMEN LAUGH TONIGHT

I DON'T SEE YOU ALL GOING,

"MMM."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"OHHHH, COMEDY BOY.

OHHH, TALK ABOUT YOUR MINI VAN,

YOU'RE MAKING ME MOIST."

THAT'S A BUNCH OF CRAP.

[LAUGHTER, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

THAT WAS NUMBER TWO.

ANYBODY KNOW NUMBER ONE ANSWER,

NUMBER ONE ANSWER, YELL IT OUT.

Woman: HONESTY.

Craig Shoemaker: HONESTY.

THAT'S WHAT WOMEN WANT RIGHT,

HONESTY.

LADIES, DO YOU REALLY WANT US

TO BE HONEST?

HOW WOULD THIS ONE SOUND,

"YOU'RE RIGHT, I DO WANT

TO BANG YOUR SISTER?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"LOOK, SHE'S HOT, I'M JUST

BEING HONEST.

HOW'S THAT WORKING OUT FOR YA?

[LAUGHTER]

BY THE WAY SLEEPING TOGETHER

WHEN YOU'RE MARRIED WITH KIDS

IS A WHOLE DIFFERENT STORY.

IT'S TOUGH TO GET HER WOUND UP.

BUT YOU WHO DOES IT FOR HER?

ANTONIO BANDERAS.

I SWEAR THIS GUY GETS MY WIFE

HORNY.

HE GETS HER ALL WOUND-UP.

I RENT ALL HIS MOVIES.

HE DOES ALL THE WORK FOR ME.

I CAN'T WAIT 'TIL THE NEW ZORRO

COMES OUT.

I RENTED THE FIRST ZORRO

I SAT BACK, "ALL RIGHT ANTONIO,

YOU SET HER UP, I'LL KNOCK

HER DOWN, BROTHER!"

[LAUGHTER]

I'M ENCOURAGING HIM,

"JUMP ANTONIO, JUMP!

LEAP, ANTONIO.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

LOOKING GOOD, TIGHT PANTS

ANTONIO!"

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

GUESS WHAT?

WHEN THAT MOVIE'S OVER,

ANTONIO'S NOWHERE TO BE FOUND.

BUT, TA-DA!

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

"CLOSE YOUR EYES, I'LL SPEAK

A SPANISH TO YOU.

AH, LET ME GIVE YOU THE MARK

OF Z.

[SLASHING NOISE]

[LAUGHTER]

OKAY, IT'S A LOWER-CASE Z

I CAN'T HELP IT.

[LAUGHTER]

I AM ZERO."

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S NOT A TRUE STORY.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

WHAT ARE YOU GIRLS LAUGHING AT?

I MADE THAT UP.

I SEE YOU LOOKING AT MY PACKAGE.

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING AT?

I'M THE LOVER MASTER BABY,

THAT'S RIGHT BABY.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

DON'T YOU LAUGH AT THE

LOVE MASTER I COULD CHIP YOUR

TOOTH FROM RIGHT HERE, BABY.

THAT'S RIGHT I'LL TAKE YOU OUT

FOR BREAKFAST.

I CAN HOLD TWO CUPS OF COFFEE

AND A DOZEN DONUTS RIGHT THERE,

BABY.

THAT'S RIGHT OHHHH YEAH, BABY!

I'M AS HARD AS FINAL JEOPARDY!

THAT'S RIGHT, BABY.

I WAS CIRCUMCISED BY A BANDSAW.

WHEN I GET EXCITED THE BLOOD

BANK GOES ON EMERGENCY ALERT,

THAT'S RIGHT BABY.

YEAH, WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING AT?

I GOT FOUR INCHES RIGHT HERE.

SOME WOMAN DON'T LIKE IT

THAT WIDE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S RIGHT, BABY.

I AM THE LOVE MASTER,

MASTER OF LOVE.

ONE NIGHT WITH ME LIKE SWEATIN'

LIKE JESSICA SIMPSON TAKING

THE SAT'S.

THAT'S RIGHT, BABY.

I AM THE LOVE MASTER,

MASTER OF LOVE BABY.

YEAH.

WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING AT

BACK THERE, I'LL STIR YOUR DRINK

FROM RIGHT HERE, BABY.

I GOT A DRINK,

IT'S PENISCOLLASES,

THAT'S RIGHT.

YEAH.

YOU WANNA TAKE A PICTURE?

SET THAT CAMERA ON PANORAMA.

YEAH.

I'D SHOW IT TO YOU BUT IT'S

CAUGHT IN MY SHOE.

YEAH.

OH, YEAH THAT'S RIGHT, BABY.

YOU THINK IT'S A FAIRY TALE,

WELL, PUFF THE MAGIC DRAGON,

BABY.

COME ON AND TELL PINOCCHIO

A LIE.

CLIMB THE MAGIC BEANSTALK BABY,

FEE FI FO FUM, LAY ON DOWN

AND I'LL MAKE YOU...

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA

DO FOR YOU, BABY!

YEAH.

YEAH.

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

YEAH.

OH, I'LL LOVE YOU SO GOOD

YOUR NEIGHBOR'LL HAVE A SMOKE,

THAT'S RIGHT, BABY.

I DID A GIRL SO GOOD THE POLICE

CAME THREE TIMES, THAT'S RIGHT

BABY, YEAH.

I'LL HAVE YOUR KNEES KNOCKING

LIKE A JEHOVAH'S WITNESS

ON A PLEDGE DRIVE.

THAT'S RIGHT, BABY.

YEAH.

OH, YOU'LL BE BREATHING HEAVIER

THAN RUBEN STUDDARD ON A

STAIRMASTER, THAT'S RIGHT BABY.

YEAH, WE'LL HAVE SAFE SEX,

GO GET ME A HEFTY BAG.

YEAH.

ARE YOU IN REAL ESTATE?

CAN YOU TELL ME IS THIS A LOT?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH, I GO THE POKEMAN WAITING

RIGHT HERE FOR YOU, BABY.

FIRST I GOTTA GET A PEEK-ACH-EW.

YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT, BABY.

YOU LOOK A LITTLE HUNGRY.

YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT BABY,

I LIKE FRENCH FOOD.

BONE APPETITE BABY.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH, YOU INTO STAR WARS?

WELL, COME ON UP HERE AND

CHEW BAKA.

[LAUGHTER]

THERE'S SOME PEOPLE STARING

AT ME RIGHT NOW.

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO HIM?

WHERE'D THE MINI VAN GUY GO?

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

I REALIZED THE OTHER DAY

I'M A ROLE MODEL.

I'M A DAD.

MY SON'S GONNA IMITATE ME

IN THE SCHOOLYARD.

"OH YEAH, THAT'S NO RULER

YOU'RE LOOKING AT THERE, BABY.

COME ON AND GET ON THE

TEETER-TOTTER."

I CAN'T WAIT FOR PARENT/TEACHER

DAY.

THIS TEACHER'S GONNA CALL ME IN,

"WHERE'D HE LEARN THAT?"

"RIGHT HERE, BABY.

I BUST UP A COUPLE APPLES

FOR THE TEACHER, COME ON AND

FIND THE WORM."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

Loading...