Tuesday, November 10, 2015

  • 11/10/2015

David Rees, Phil Hanley and Eugene Mirman dream up ideas for new SeaWorld attractions, #ScienceABook to support Bill Nye and hit on breakfast cereal mascots.

[LAUGHING]>> CHRIS: RIPPED FROM TODAY'S

INTERNET HEADLINES, IT'S RAPIDREFRESH.

"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" CAUSED ABIT OF A HULLABALOO WHEN THEY

HAD FANCY DELI MEAT SCULPTUREDONALD TRUMP HOST THE SHOW THIS

WEEKEND.

CRITICS PANNED IT, BUT IN SNL'SDEFENSE, TRUMP HASN'T BEEN FUNNY

SINCE THAT TIME HE GUEST STARREDON "SABADO GIGANTE."

THERE HE IS RIGHT THERE.

HE GOT THAT CANCELED.

"SNL" GOT THEIR HIGHEST RATINGSIN YEARS, BUT DUE TO THE FCC'S

EQUAL TIME RULE, NBC MUST NOWOFFER THE OTHER CANDIDATES

12 MINUTES AND 5 SECONDSOF AIR TIME.

THAT IS THE EXACT SAME AMOUNT OFTIME THEY GAVE TRUMP.

NBC SAID THAT THEIR TIME DOESN'TNECESSARILY HAVE TO BE ON "SNL",

AS MUCH AS WE'D LIKE TO SEE TEDCRUZ WHIP OUT HIS MR. BURNS

IMPERSONATION.

>> EXCELLENT, HI-DIDDILY-HONEIGHBORIEENO.

>> THIS GOES ON FOR 12 MOREMINUTES.

>> CHRIS: YES. FOR THATIMPRESSION, CRUZ MANAGED TO

ALIENATE HIS BASE OF RICH, OLDWHITE MAN AND EVANGELICAL

CHRISTIANS. COMEDIANS HOW WILLTRUMP'S RIVALS USE THEIR 12

MINUTES ON NBC?

>> THEY WILL REPLAY TED CRUZ'S"TO CATCH A PREDATOR" EPISODE.

WELL-TIMED BECAUSE HE GOT BUSTEDRIGHT AWAY SO THEY'RE GONNA

PLAY THAT ONE MINUTE 12 TIMES.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

DAVID.

>> JEB BUSH WILL GO ON"BLINDSPOT" BECAUSE THAT IS A

METAPHOR FOR WHERE HE IS IN THEPOLLS.

>> CHRIS: PERFECT.

EUGENE MIRMAN.

>> MIKE HUCKABEE WILL BE ON THEREBOOT OF "HEROES" WHERE IN

EVERY SCENE, AT EVERY HERO, HEWILL YELL "WITCH."

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>> CHRIS: ALRIGHT, POINTS TO

EUGENE MIRMAN.

IF YOU'RE A FAMILY OF FOUR WHOENJOYS THEME PARKS, SEA LIFE AND

SOPPING WET PUBLIC BATHROOMFLOORS, CHANCES ARE YOU HAVE

BEEN TO SEA WORLD. WELL, NOWAMERICA'S TOP OCEAN-THEMED

PUBLIC RELATIONS DISASTER HASDECIDED TO CLOSE ITS MOST

POPULAR ATTRACTION: THEKILLER WHALE SHOW. THAT

CLASSIC SPECTACLE WHERE HUNDREDSOF SCREAMING CHILDREN GET TO SEE

MENTALLY DISTURBED MARINEINMATES WORK OUT THEIR

AGGRESSION IN REAL TIME, BEFORECHECKING OUT SOME CLINICALLY

DEPRESSED JELLYFISH AND BUYINGAN $18 OTTER MAGNET.

COMEDIANS, NOW THAT KILLER WHALESHOWS ARE CANCELED, WHAT ARE

SOME NEW SHOWS SEAWORLD IS GOINGTO INTRODUCE TO TAKE THEIR

PLACE? PHIL.

>> YOU CAN'T CANCEL THE ORCASHOW.

ONCE YOU GO BLACK FISH YOU CAN'TGO BACK FISH.

YOU CAN'T DO IT.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

DAVID REES.

>> I'M GOING TO SAYMULTI-MEMBER GIANT SQUID MASSAGE

PARLORS.

PERFECT FOR BACHELOR PARTIES.

>> CHRIS: LISTEN, OUT OF THOSEEIGHT ARMS, ONE OF THEM HAS GOT

TO BE A HAPPY ENDING.

NOW IT'S TIME FOR #HASHTAGWARS.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>> CHRIS: ONE OF MY FAVORITE

PEOPLE, BILL NYE, HAS A NEW BOOKCALLED

"UNSTOPPABLE: HARNESSING SCIENCETO CHANGE THE WORLD" THAT CAME

OUT TODAY.

IN IT, NYE ENCOURAGES US ALL TOBECOME "SCIENCE GUYS" AND FIGURE

OUT A WAY TO NOT TOTALLY[BLEEP] UP OUR PLANET WITH

HAIRSPRAY AND COW FARTS.

SO WE'RE GOING TO ADD A BIT MORESCIENCE TO THE WORLD TONIGHT IN

HONOR OF THAT WITH OUR HASHTAG#SCIENCEABOOK.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE: "50 SHADES OFGRAY MATTER,"

"CATCHER IN THERIBOFLAVIN", AND "THE FAULT IN

OUR BURNING GASEOUS SPHERES".

I'M PUTTING 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND BEGIN.

PHIL.

>> HOW THE GRINCH STOLE HISTHESIS.

>> CHRIS: EUGENE.

>> THE BOSON IDENTITY.

>> WAR AND PEE SAMPLE.

>> SCHRODINGER'S CAT ON A HOTTIN ROOF.

>> CHRIS: DAVID.

>> THE OLD MAN AND THE CO2.

CHRIS: POINTS.

EUGENE.

>> TO KILL A MOCKING BIRD FORDISSECTION PURPOSES.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

PHIL.

>> GRAPES OF METH.

CHRIS: POINTS.

DAVID.

>> ARE YOU THERE LOGIC? IT'S MEMARGARET.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

DAVID.

>> THE BIBLE WITH ALL THEPAGES TORN OUT.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

PHIL.

>> JOSEPH AND THE TECHNICOLORLAB COAT.

>> CHRIS: EUGENE.

>> MOBIUS DICK.

CHRIS: DAVID.

>> SISTERHOOD OF THE TRAVELINGPANTS: A SYSTEMIC

EPIDEMIOLOGICAL ANALYSIS.

>> CHRIS: THAT'S THE PERFECT WAYTO END THAT.

IT'S TIME TO PLAY FASHIONPOLICE.

HERE'S THE DEAL.

THE '70S HAD TWO THINGS:TERRIBLE FASHION AND COP SHOWS.

ANYTIME YOU TURNED ON ANY ONE OFTHE THREE AVAILABLE CHANNELS--

THERE USED TO BE THREECHANNELS, THAT'S IT--

YOU'D SEE SOME MUSTACHIOEDJAGOFF IN A PLAID SUIT THROWING

A PIMPDRESSED-LIKE-A-DISCO-CHEETAH

INTO THE BACK OF A PONTIACDICKWAGON.

WE COLLECTED A BUNCH OF TERRIBLEIMAGES FROM '70S MEN'S FASHION

CATALOGUES, AND COMEDIANS, FOR250 POINTS, I WANT YOU TO TELL

ME WHAT THEIR COP SHOW WOULD BECALLED.

FIRST UP, THESE FELLAS WHO DRESSTO THE LEFT.

OH, MAN.

PHIL.

>> SHOW-ER AND GROWER.

BUT THERE'S A SPIN-OFF CALLED"FORESKIN AND MUSHROOM TOP"

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

EUGENE.

>> GOOD DICK, BAD DICK.

CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

>> THEY'RE BOTH BOTH.

[LAUGHING][LAUGHING]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>> CHRIS: DAVID.

>> MURDER SHE SCROTE.

CHRIS: YES.

OH.

DOES THAT STAR ANGELAGLANDSBURY?

>> CHRIS: NEXT UP THESELEOTARDED FELLAS.

WHERE THE [BEEP] ARE THEYLOOKING? WHAT IS INTRIGUING IN

OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS?

>> THEY'RE LOOKING AT THENUMBERS.

>> CHRIS: "I SEE A 5."

"WELL, I SEE A 3."

>> IT MIGHT BE A CLUE.

IT'S CALL SOUSVEILLANCE.

CHRIS: I THINK THEY'RE TRYINGNOT TO MAKE EYE CONTACT BECAUSE

THEY KNOW WHAT THEY'RE WEARING.

PHIL.

>> THE SHOW IS CALLED "STEVEAND THE GUY THAT [BEEP] STEVE."

STEVE IS IN THE FRONT.

>> CHRIS: GRIPPING COP DRAMA.

DAVID.

>> TRUE DEFECTIVE.

CHRIS: POINTS.

>> IS THAT GIRAFFE SPOTTING?

>> THAT'S THE FIRST THING THEYHAVE TO SOLVE.

[LAUGHING]>> AM I A LEOPARD OR A GIRAFFE?

I DON'T KNOW LET'S FIGURE ITOUT.

ONTO THE MURDERS THEN.

>> CHRIS: NEXT UP, THESENAUTICAL BESTIES. WHAT WOULD YOU

CALL THEIR COP SHOW?

PHIL.

>> THAT'S DICK DUSTER AND CAMELTOE.

A GREAT SHOW, GREAT SHOW.

CHRIS: TOTALLY IS.

>> THAT'S CAMEL.

THE OTHER GUY IS DICK DUSTER.

>> CHRIS: DAVID.

>> CSI SELLS SEASHELLS DOWN BYTHE SEASHORE.

NAILED IT.

CHRIS: POINTS.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>> CHRIS: NEXT ONE, THIS

MISMATCHED PAIR, WHAT WOULD YOUCALL THEIR COP SHOW?

>> MMM.

CHRIS: DAVID.

>> THE NAME OF THE SHOW ISPRIVATE IN-VEST-iGATORS.

I WILL EXPLAIN THE LOGIC OF THEJOKE.

THE SECOND SYLLABLE IN THE WORD"INVESTIGATORS" IS "VEST,"

A NOUN THAT'S DEFINED AS ASLEEVELESS GARMENT WORN OVER A

TORSO.

YOU WILL NOTICE BOTH OF THEPEOPLE IN THE PHOTOGRAPH ARE

REMARKABLE NOT JUST FOR THEIRHAIR BUT THE VESTS THEY'RE

WEARING.

SO YOU SEE, THERE IS A CERTAININTERNAL LOGIC IN MY HUMOROUS

WORDPLAY.

>> CHRIS: THERE IS, YES.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>> CHRIS: NEXT UP, THESE BUNDLED

BIRDS, WHAT WOULD YOU--

[LAUGHING]WHAT THE [BEEP]?

EUGENE.

>> DETECTIVE CHICKEN[BEEP]ER,P.I.

CHRIS: POINTS.

DAVID.

>> THE NAME OF THE SHOW IS THEWORLD'S GREATEST DETECTIVE AND

THE MAN WHO IS HOLDING HIMUPSIDE DOWN.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

POINTS.

>> CHRIS: NEXT ONE, THIS HARDWORKING TRIO.

PHIL.

>> LAW AND ORDER: FORBIDDENBUDDIES UNIT.

>> CHRIS: THIS WAS SO MUCH FUN.

I'M CURIOUS WHAT YOU GUYS ATHOME COULD COME UP WITH.

GIVE US YOUR BEST FASHION POLICECOP SHOW TITLE FOR THIS PICTURE

AND TAG IT #POINTSME.

USE THE HASHTAG #POINTSME.

WE MAY USE IT ON THE SHOW!

BUT MAKE IT FUNNY OR WE'LLGONNA BE PISSED.

GO TO POINTSME.TV FOR MORE INFO.

DON'T BLOW IT, AND

HOPEFULLY YOU'LL END UP ON THESTAGE WITH US.

BEFORE THE BREAK I SHOWED YOU ABUNCH OF FURRIES DOING

EVERYTHING THEY CAN TO GET ACEREAL MASCOT IN THE SACK.

THERE'S TONY THE TIGER.

SOMEONE SAYS I WANT TONY TO DOSOMETHING ELSE WITH ME WITH THAT

TONGUE.

I'M HERE TO TELL YOU, YOU DON'TWANT TO GET BLOWN BY A TIGER.

THE SANDPAPER TONGUE ALONEWOULD RUIN YOU.

THINK ABOUT THESE THINGS!

ANYWAYS I ASKED TO YOU DO THESAME AND USE PICK UP LINES FOR

OTHER CEREAL MASCOTS.

DAVID.

>> HEY BOO BERRY ARE YOU BOOCURIOUS?

>> CHRIS: PHIL.

>> SONNY, I'M COO-COO FOR BUTTSTUFF.

>> CHRIS: IT'S GOING TO GET ALLCHOCOLATY THEN.

[LAUGHING]>> CHRIS: EUGENE MIRMAN.

>> SILLY RABBIT.

TRIX ARE FOR 41-YEAR-OLD JEWS.

>> CHRIS: PERFECT.

AS WE GO TO OUR NEXT GAME,STREET TOUGH.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

TODAY IS SESAME STREET DAY, THEANNIVERSARY OF THE SHOW THAT

TEACHES KIDS IMPORTANT STUFFLIKE "THE ALPHABET" AND "HOW TO

LIVE IN YOUR OWN TRASH."

"SESAME STREET" CHURNED OUT ALOT OF CLASSIC KIDS TUNES OVER

THE YEARS, MOST OF THEM STUCK INMY HEAD.

MAYBE I STILL WATCH IT EVERYONCE IN A WHILE.

BUT MAYBE NONE MORE ICONICTHAN KERMIT THE FROG'S "IT'S NOT

EASY BEING GREEN."

YA, THAT'S HOW YOU [BEEP] ROCK AKERMIT.

NOWADAYS, THOUGH, IT ACTUALLYSEEMS REAL EASY BEING GREEN.

I MEAN, KERMIT'S GOT AN ABCSITCOM AND THINGS ARE GOING

GREAT WITH MISS PIGGY...ATLEAST, ACCORDING TO THIS

PAINTING WE FOUND ON ETSY:LOOK EVERYTHING IS GREAT.

THAT'LL DO, PIG.

THAT'LL DO.

COMEDIANS, LET'S REVISE THISCLASSIC KIDS SONG AND TELL ME

WHAT ELSE IT'S NOT EASY BEING.

>> NOT EASY BEING NAMED DONKEYHAMMER.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

EUGENE.

>> IT'S NOT EASY BEING ANANTHROPOMORPHIZED PIG WITH A

UNUSUALLY LARGE SEXUAL APPETITE.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

PHIL.

>> IT'S NOT EASY BEING DYSLEXICAND CANADIAN.

I'M A DOUBLE THREAT ANDINTIMIDATING.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

EUGENE.

>> IT'S NOT EASY BEING THEBRUISED TIP OF JUSTIN BIEBER'S

PENIS.

>> CHRIS: WHY IS IT BRUISED?

>> ASK THE DETECTIVES FROM THE70S.

>> CHRIS: EUGENE.

>> IT'S NOT EASY BEING A SUICIDEBOMBER WHO GOT THE WRONG

ADDRESS.

>> CHRIS: YES.

>> IT'S NOT EASY BEING TOO LEGITWHEN YOU ACTUALLY DO WANT TO

QUIT.