Allergic to Nuts

  • 04/29/2014

Amy lands a gig as the voice of Frumpy the Dumpy Meerkat, gets serious about her nut allergy and sleeps with a magician.

Hello?

(woman on phone) Hi, Amy, you've got Dan, Allen, Isaac,

Matt, Allie, Jen, and Russell.

(man on phone) There she is!

There's our girl.

Ames, what's shaking?

What'd you get into last night, girl?

Nothing much.Just hanging out.

(laughs hysterically) You kill me!

You kill me!

What's up, guys?

(man) We know you've been looking to make the transition

to doing more off-camera work.

I never said that.

They want you for the next big animated kids' movie.

It's like "Charlie's Angels," but with meerkats!

Jessica Alba and Megan Fox have already signed

to play the other two.

Uh, I'm in.I'm-- Yeah.

Awesome, we'll download you on the deets

as soon as we circle back with Tad, Allen out.

As soon as you dowhat with who?

Hanging up.Hello?

(phone beeps)

Bing.

(man)Welcome, Amy.

Are you thirsty?Are you hungry?

Did you findyour snacks okay?

No, I brought this tea.

Okay, well, the snacks arehere for when you need them.

Okay?Snacks.

Okay.

Red leather, yellow leather.

Hey, did Meg and Jessalready do their stuff?

All right,let's just roll it.

Page one, scene one.

You'll hear a beep,you'll say your lines.

Okay, cool.

(audio playing back)

(beeping)

I'm pretty and nice.

I'm sexy, but I love math.

Karate!

(loud thud)

(beeping)

(man)Okay, that was your cue.

Uh, we'll take it again.

Just, when you hearthe beep, say the lines.

That one's me?(flatulence)

Yep, that's you.

Um, why doesn't my meerkathave any pants?

Our animation teamis out of Japan,

and they don't have anybody

as big as Dumpy the FrumpyMeerkat over there,

so they literallycouldn't figure out

how to make pantsto fit on you.

They couldn't even,you know, fathom it.

But it's a cartoon.

They can't-- why couldn'tthey just draw pants?

It blew their minds.

They had no idea.They didn't see the point.

(long beep)

Worms.

Okay, we really need youto drop it down a bunch.

Like a whole bunch.

It's gotta be more like...(deep voice) "Worms!"

You know, like youreally love worms

and you're disgusting.

Tell you what,why don't we just have you

do some wild feeding noises?

Can you find your snacks?

(munching and mumbling)

Okay, just give me one whereyou eat for a little bit

and then you stop to (bleep)

and then go backto eating again.

Paging Ms. Streep!

I mean, you are a star.You're killing this.

She iskilling this, right?

No, no, no, I think we needto get me out of this.

Schumes, what are wetalking about here, okay?

You are crushing this.

My characterhas a pussy.

Have you eatenany snacks?

Yes, I have my snacks.

I'm sensing you'renot totally jazzed,

but I think I havesomething

that's gonnachange your tune.

Amy, meet...

your action figure.

(motor squeaking)

It's (bleep).

Yeah, the thingretails for $42.99.

You get 60% ofthe back end.

Worms!

(gobbling)(flatulence)

Now, as we all know,gravity goes down, yes?

But if we all focus,

sometimes gravity can makethings go up.

Now, does anyone havea gum wrapper I could borrow?

Oh, I do.

Wonderful.

Thank you.

He is so hot.

Yeah, I'm not madat that eyeliner either.

As we all can see, this gumwrapper is a rectangle, yes?

Now, if I fold itone more time,

you seeit turns into a square.

Now, here's the weird part.

If I wereto unwrap this,

the wrapper is right backto how it was.

Oh, my God.

Are these even tricks?

I'd like to usea lovely assistant.

Does anybody...?

Shut up!

I have the "lovely"part taken care of.

Oh, no.

Too hard?Yeah.

No, I'd loveto be your assistant.

Okay, here's whatI want you to do.

I want you to tell mewhen to stop.

Stop.

Stop.

Stop.

Okay.

Now tap thisone time.

Okay, this isa story about a queen.

Aw.

Who dated a bunchof a-holes.

It really isyour story.

Who didn't do Jackfor her, okay?

Until one day,

she found a guywho was too--

eight of clubs,give me that back--

who was 2 goodto be true.

She finallyfound her King.

Does anybody havea pretzel?

Oh, wait, here's one.

In your nose.

Oh, wow.

Does anyonehave a balloon?

I can't believe this.

I never thoughtthis would happen, but--

What?

I'm gonna (bleep)a magician.

What?How'd you do that?

I'm afraidthat's Victoria's secret.

Ew.

Put this on.

Some people sayno glove, no love.

However, quantum mechanicsdictates--

Okay, can you justput it on, please?

Amy, you make mefeel like an animal.

Okay.That's-- all right.

Enough, please.Just, can you--

Do you have an unlit matchand a Canadian coin?

No, can you just stopwith the magic?

Like we're naked,we're in my bed.

Like you did it.

I actually can'tdo it tonight.

Why?

'Cause there's somethingblocking my way.

What?

(grunts)

Oh, my God!

Oh, my--ew, ew, ew.

All right, enough.No more magic.

Your wishis my command.

Let's still likea magic saying.

Oh.

Man, you're pregnant!

What?

No, I'm not.

Oh, my God.

I can feel it kicking!

Ew!

Josh, this is cra--

Josh?

(wind blowing)

Magic.

Yeah, well, that's whythey call it charity work.

Because it's work.

It's work.

Good evening,ladies.

How are youdoing tonight?

Really awesome.So good.

My name is Devon,I'll be taking care of you.

Start you off with anythingto drink?

Uh, water's fine.

Water's perfect.

Great, so we have a few specialsin addition to the menu--

Listen,before the specials,

I have to tell youI'm allergic to nuts.

My meal cannot haveany nuts in it.

She's insanelyallergic to nuts.

Got it, no nuts.Not a problem.

We accommodateallergies all the time.

I'll tell the chef.

No, I'm serious.

It can't have evenbeen around nuts.

Cashews, pecans--

Pine nuts, peanuts.

Yeah, doughnuts, cronuts.

Almonds.Lalmonds.

Dalmonds.

I understand.

So our specials are--

Oh, actually, some of the breadmight have some nuts in them.

Oh, my God!Are you serious?

I can't believethis is happening!

Oh, my God, oh, my God,oh, my God!

What is this?

Oh, my God, it's a nut!

It's a little nut!

What did we just say,Devon?

Is this (bleep) "Memento"?

Are you an f-inggoldfish, Devon?

Are we in your fish bowl?

Oh, look, a littleplastic treasure chest.

(bleep) you, Devon!

Do you know what wouldhappen to me if I ate that?

Her face will swell up,she will turn purple.

She willose oxygen.

Have you seen "Gravity"?I did.

Was that your favorite part,

when they lost(bleep) oxygen, Devon?

Yes.

When I die,it'll be your fault.

You'll have to go tomy mother's door

with a folded American flag

and say, "Thank youfor her service.

I'm Devon,your daughter's killer."

Look, I'm really sorryabout the bread.

I swear, I will make surethat your meal is nut-free.

Thank you so much.

Okay.

Uh, so ourspecials tonight.

I thinkI know what I want.

Oh, yeah, me too.

What do I want?

What do I want?

I'll have--

I'll have the nut--Oh, no.

The arugula salad.

I'll havethe arugula salad.

Are there nutsin that?

No.

(sighs)

But I will triple-check.

Nice job, Devon.Thank you so much.

Thank you.

Aw, he's sweet.

Two arugula salads.

Are there any nutsin those?

Nope.

Great.

(girls screaming)

No!

(shrieking)

No!

No!

What did we say?!

What did we say?!

Everything all right here?

No!

and you aremy good friends.

And you're also the most morallybankrupt human beings

on the planet, right?

Yeah.Absolutely.

Yeah, that's true.

Let's talk about it.

Oh, one second.Over 40 years.

Oh, right.Are you Moms Mabley?

(laughter)

Keith, hit on me.

Like if I met you,what would you--

what would you do ifwe were just like at a bar.

What's up, sweetie?You good?

Yeah, I'm good.

No, he's talking to me,Florentine.

Talking to her!

Okay,I don't know you.

Yeah, there we go.How you doing?

I'm fine.You fine?

That's what I'mtalking about.

Okay, I'm gonnacall the police.

You ever datea black man before?

(Kelly)I actually felt scared.

He's very uncouth, too.

I remember Marina Franklin,a friend of ours,

one time, he wasjust saying stupid things

about where he would take her,

to Subwayor Burger King for dinner--

When they weredating, right?

Yeah, and then they'dhave to be in the car,

and I'm not gonna geta hotel.

And she just said,"Who raised you?"

I thought it wasthe greatest thing ever.

"Who raised you?"

Well, I'm assumingjust your mom.

No-- oh, you...

(laughter)

(knock on door)

Oh, wait,this might be Rachel.

We're just talking about whatdirtbags these guys are.

Oh, they really areworthless.

They're really pieces--

In order, who would be thebiggest piece of crap, in order?

I think you would be mosttraumatized by (bleep) Norton.

Oh, absolutely.Right?

Probably.

But I wouldn't hit on youbecause you're like a comic.

I would never get you drunkand try to (bleep) you,

but if we didhave sex, you'd regret it.

(laughter)

Have you guys gottena good amount of (bleep)

from being a comic?

What?

What?

The only reasonI get it.

Have you ever not--Why do you thinkwe do this?

You think we lovethe "art of comedy"?

Then why dowe do it?

'Cause, like--Yeah, no.

We've been askingthe same question.

(laughter)

What would you rather do?Kiss, have sex, or blow?

With Keith.

How about "D," sit on his faceand read my tweets?

(laughter)

I'll take that.

Even when Keith talksabout sex, it's just stupid.

He's always going, "I gotthree pumps for you."

I can make her do what sheneeds to do in three pumps.

That's all I'm saying.

Fall asleep?

Like literallydrool on herself?

Blow the whistle?

(laughter)

What do you thinkwe're like in bed?

Like what do you think?

I think you bothstink in bed.

Who would put out firstout of these two?

(all)Amy!

How dare you?

I guarantee Rachel tries to givemeaningful looks during sex.

Ew!That's disgusting.

She does this...

"Look at me,look at me.

Oh, Bobby."

(laughter)

Jim has several lines thathe says works on any girl.

I would play some crummy gigin the middle of Pennsylvania,

white-trash girl.

I'd go,"Hey, come out to my car."

We'd sit in the car.

I would just go, "Look,do you mind if I masturbate

while we kiss?"

I'd go, "I got a long ride home.You don't have to touch it."

Nine out of ten times,within one minute,

they had their handor their mouth on it.

What woman gets jealous whenthey see a guy masturbating?

It's not like we're like,"Wait, there can be dick?"

That's not likean exciting prospect.

We all know the dickis available.

(Amy)We know there will be dick.

The psychology behind it isthat you-- like we like vagina.

If you took your boob outor your vagina,

we'd be like,"Oh, my God, we love that."

Thank you,thank you.

You're welcome.Thank you.

If you see a penis,you like that, too.

You're wrong.You're wrong.

When you see a penis,you don't go,

"Wow, I wannaput it in my (bleep)?"

No.

Really?

That's why a dick picis not exciting...

Yeah....to a woman.

No woman wantsa dick pic.

That's wrong.

No, they're lyingto you.

No.No.

No, the women he's talkingabout have penises, too.

So they're actually exchanging,exchanging dick pics.

They're comparing.

Oh, if onlyI could deny it.

(laughter)

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