Tuesday, December 8, 2015

  • 12/08/2015

Dan Telfer, Steve Agee and Maria Bamford try to get kicked off of Fox News, come up with #HipHopStarWars tracks and create their own 1-900 commercials.

>> Chris: RIPPED FROM TODAY'SINTERNET HEADLINES, IT'S RAPID

REFRESH.

>> FOX NEWS THE HIGHEST RATEDNETWORK FOR PEOPLE RECOVERING

FROM BUNION SURGERY JUSTSUSPENDED TWO IF ITS

CONTRIBUTORS FOR DROPPING ANS-BOMB AND THE P-WORD ON SUNDAY.

RETIRED LIEUTENANT COLONEL RALPHPETERS

LOOKING LIKE AN OTTER WHO WORKSAT MEN'S WAREHOUSE.

YOU'RE GONNA LIKE THE WAY YOULOOK, I GUARANTEE IT.

HE HAD THIS TO SAY ABOUT OBAMA.

>> THIS GUY IS SUCH A TOTALPUSSY. IT'S STUNNING.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: STUNNING.

>> Chris: AND THEN STACEY DASH,WHO WAS IN "CLUELESS", AND STILL

IS, SAID THIS ABOUT THEPRESIDENT'S SPEECH ON TERRORISM:

>> I DID NOT FEEL BETTER.

I DIDN'T FEEL ANY PASSION FROMHIM.

LIKE YOU SAID ANDREA, I FELTLIKE HE COULD GIVE SHH-- EXCUSE

ME.

>> OOOH.

>> LIKE HE COULD CARE LESS.

HE COULD CARE LESS.

>> Chris: I'M SAYING THIS LASTPART MORE EMPHATICALLY TO

DISTRACT FROM THE WORD I JUSTSAID.

BROADCASTING THE WORD "SHIT" AND"PUSSY" IN ONE DAY IS A BIG

THING.

FOX NEWS CENSORS HAVEN'T BEENTHAT BUSY SINCE TED CRUZ BEGGED

BILL O'REILY TO CALL HIM A PUSSYAND SHIT ON HIS CHEST.

-- OUR SENSORS DON'T CARE. THEYFELL ASLEEP WATCHING FOX NEWS

HOURS AGO.

WHAT IS SOMETHING ELSE YOU MIGHTSAY OR DO THAT WOULD GET YOU

KICKED OFF FOX NEWS?

>> LISTENING MINDFULLY TOTHE OPINIONS OF OTHERS WITH

CURIOSITY AND A MODERATED TONE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

DAN TELFER.

>> CALLING HIM BARACK OBAMAINSTEAD OF THE ANTI-CHRIST

LIZARD PERSON, ILLUMINATI,HUSSEIN OBAMA.

>> Chris: POINTS.

STEVE AGEE.

>> SHOW UP TO WORK BLACK.

AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR TONIGHT'S#HASHTAGWARS.

THE MUSIC DUO, OTAKU GANG,RELEASED A MASH-UP ALBUM THAT

MIXES NOTORIOUS B.I.G. WITH STARWARS, CALLED "LIFE AFTER DEATH

STAR."

AND IT IS REALLY [BEEP] GOOD!

LISTEN.

>> I WAS A TERROR SINCE THEPUBLIC SCHOOL ERA

BATHROOM PASSES, CUTTINGCLASSES, SQUEEZING ASSES.

SMOKING BLUNTS WAS A DAILYROUTINE, SINCE THIRTEEN

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>> Chris: SO GOOD.

YOU HAVE TO LISTEN TO THE WHOLETHING.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: WOW, THE CANTINA IS

GETTING SO CRUNK THAT YOU CAN'TEVEN HEAR WHO SHOT FIRST!

BY THE WAY IT WAS BIGGY.

SO IN HONOR OF THIS BEAUTIFULMASH-UP THAT'LL HAVE YOU SAYING,

"IT'S A RAP!" TONIGHT'S--

I'M SORRY. I ANNOY MYSELF.

TONIGHT'S HASHTAGIS... #HIPHOPSTARWARS.

EXAMPLES: WILL.I.AM YOUR FATHEROR CHEWBACCA FLOCKA FLAME.

I'M PUTTING 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK.

BEGIN.

DAN.

>> TURN DOWN FOR HUTS.

Chris: POINTS STEVE.

>> R2-DEEZ NUTS.

Chris: MARIA.

NOTORIOUS CP3.

>> Chris: STEVE.

>> AUNT BERU LIVE CREW.

Chris: DAN.

>> OLD DARTHY BASTARDS.

Chris: STEVE.

>> WHOMPA THERE IT IS.

Chris: MARIA.

>> NIKKI MINAJ AS JAVA THE BUTT.

Chris: I'M GOING TO GIVE YOUPOINTS.

YOU SEEMED UNSURE ABOUT THATONE-HALF WAY THROUGH.

>> I MEAN I --Chris: STEVE.

>> SORRY, MARIA.

Chris: STEVE.

>> MOST DEF ISELEY.

>> R 2PAC.

IT'S TIME TO PLAY 1-900- POINTS.

NOWADAYS WHEN IT'S LATE AT NIGHTAND YOU'RE BORED, YOU CAN JUST

PULL UP REDDIT AND WATCH A GIFOF A COW GETTING FUNKY.

LIKE THAT.

>> WOW.

Chris: IT'S MESMERIZING.

BUT BACK IN THE '80S AND '90S,IF YOU WERE BORED, YOUR BEST BET

WAS TO CALL A 900 NUMBER AND PAY$2 A MINUTE FOR SOME WEIRDO TO

TALK TO YOU.

OBVIOUSLY WE NEED TO SHOW SOMETO YOU.

NONE OF THESE ARE IN SERVICE.

DON'T TRY CALLING THEM.

COMEDIANS, I'M GONNA SHOW YOU ACLASSIC 1-900 AD, AND FOR 250

POINTS I WANT YOU TO TELL MESOMETHING YOU MIGHT HEAR WHEN

YOU CALL THAT HOTLINE.

FIRST UP IS A MUST-HAVE FOR ANYPARTY-MONSTER.

>> IT'S THE PARTY TRACKER,1-900-THIS B-IT.

THEY'VE GOT OVER 500 L.A. CLUBSLISTED.

INCLUDING THE UNDERGROUND.

WE'RE TALKING DANCE CLUBS.

LIVE MUSIC.

ARTSY CLUBS.

>> I MEAN IT'S SUPER STREETTHERE WAS GRAFFITI THERE.

DAN.

>> A TOTALLY SICK BOUNCY CASTLEIN CULVER CITY.

LEAVE YOUR SHOES AND INHIBITIONSAT THE DOOR.

SERIOUSLY STOCKING FEET ONLY.

>> Chris: STEVE AGEE.

>> MOM, I'M ON THE PHONE.

[LAUGHING]>> THINK ABOUT IT.

Chris: WE THOUGHT ABOUT IT.

POINTS.

>> Chris: THE NEXT HOTLINE ISSTRAIGHT OUTTA CALLER ID.

>> THIS IS ICE-T AND I'M JUSTCOOLING OUT, WAITING ON YOU TO

CALL ME ON THE ICE HOTLINE.

MAKE THAT CALL.

>> CALL 1-900-909-1100.

ICE-T IS WAITING NOW.

>> Chris: THAT WAS IMMEDIATELY AGREAT CALL.

WHATEVER IT WAS.

STEVE AGEE.

>> YO, IT'S ICE I'M UP TO MYNOSE IN COCO'S

BOOTY.

I WILL MAKE THIS QUICK.

NIGHT TAKES ROOK.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: OH, CHECKMATE AGAIN.

POINTS.

MARIA.

>> BLESS ME ICE T FOR I HAVESINNED.

I MEANT TO ORDER AN ARNOLDPALMER BUT INSTEAD USED YOUR

NAME IN VAIN.

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> Chris: FOR ALL YOU RUDEDUDES, THERE'S THE INSULT LINE.

>> DIAL AN INSULT.

ARE YOU HAVING A BAD DAY?

IT'S ABOUT TO GET WORSE.

THERE'S A GUY CALLED SULTONWHO'S WAITING TO BURST.

WHEN YOU DIAL UP, HE'S GONNA CUTYOU DOWN.

HE'S GONNA LET YOU KNOW THATYOU'RE NOTHIN BUT A CLOWN.

>> Chris: CHOICE RAPPING AT IT'SFINEST.

STEVE.

>> ALL OF OUR OPERATORS ARECURRENTLY ON THE LINE [BEEP]

PEOPLE'S MOTHERS.

STAY ON THE LINE YOUR MOTHERWILL GET [BEEP] TOO.

>> Chris: POINTS.

MARIA.

>> WHEN WE START WITH THE INSULTI WANT TO GIVE YOU A LIST OF MY

IN SECURITIES AND MYDEFICIENCIES SO YOU KNOW WHERE

IT'S GOING TO REALLY HURT.

>> Chris: POINTS.

POINTS.

ALRIGHT.

>> Chris: AND FINALLY, LET'STAKE GAMES TO THE NEXT LEVEL

WITH 1-900-HOT HINTS.

>> I GIVE UP.

>> DON'T GIVE UP, CALL1-900-HOT-HINTS AND SUPERCHARGE

YOUR GAME.

>> HOT HINTS IS FAST, FUN, ANDIT'S A DOLLAR SIXTY-FIVE A

MINUTE AND NOW I HAVE THE POWER.

ASK YOUR PARENTS BEFORE CALLING.

>> Chris: AMBIGUOUSLY GAY DUO.

MARIA.

>> HELLO, HOT HINTS, I ALREADYWON DONKEY KONG.

IS IT NORMAL TO WAKE UP AND THEBED IS WET.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: DAN.

>> HI, THIS IS 11-YEAR-OLD DANTELFER.

I WANT TO SAY IF THIS IS A REALSUPER HERO GAME IN YOUR

COMMERCIAL IT WOULDN'T HAVE AMAIN CHARACTER TAKING UP ONE

SIXTEENTH OF A SCREEN.

IT'S DOESN'T LOOK LIKE ANOFFICIALLY MARVEL LICENSED

SUPERHERO.

CLEARLY IT'S A AGENT.

I'M GOING GOAT BEAT UP A LOTTODAY.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>> Chris: WHAT YOU JUST

WITNESSED IS THE FIRST TIME A900 NUMBER HANGING UP ON

SOMEONE.

BEFORE THE BREAK, WE REMINISCEDABOUT CLASSIC 1-900 COMMERCIALS,

WE ASKED YOU TO TOP IT WITH YOUROWN HOTLINE BLING.

LET'S SEE YOUR COMMERCIALS.

DAN, LET'S START WITH YOURS.

>> 1-900-UNCLE TO CHAT WITH SOMEHOT UNCLES IN YOUR AREA.

YOU KNOW DONALD TRUMP HAS REALGOOD IDEAS.

I HEARD OBAMA IS A SECRETLESBIAN.

DON'T TELL YOUR AUNT I TRIED GAYSTUFF IN THE ARMY.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> YA.

YA!

>> YA.

Chris: STEVE AGEE, LET'S SEEYOURS.

>> HI I'M COMEDIAN STEVE AGEE.

IF THERE IS ONE THING I LOVEIT'S HAVING SEX WITH WEED.

CALL 1-900-WEEEED.

IT DOESN'T MATTER, IF IT'SGREEN I'LL [BEEP] IT.

I DO IT RIGHT UP THE BUD.

CALL NOW AND LISTEN TO ME[BEEP] SOME WEED.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>> VERY NICE.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: MARIA BAMFORD.

>> DO YOU LIKE BEEPS? CALL USTODAY AT 1-900-BEEPS.

BOO-BOO-BOO-BEEP-BEEP-BEEP[LAUGHING]

>> Chris: WOW.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: YES.

YES.

REAL GOOD.

NOW TIME FOR MY NECK, MY BACK,MY BUSEY, AND MY CRACK.

GARY BUSEY, SEEN HERE THINKINGABOUT A BUG IN HIS MOUTH, IS

LIKE THAT BIG OLD DOG THAT KEEPSKNOCKING STUFF OFF YOUR COFFEE

TABLE WITH HIS TAIL BUT HE'SJUST SO LOVABLE THAT YOU CAN'T

BRING YOURSELF TO HAVE HIM PUTHIM DOWN.

GARY'S HAD A ROUGH TIME, AND BYTIME, I MEAN LIFE.

DURING RECENT BANKRUPTCYHEARINGS, WE DISCOVERED THAT

GARY ISN'T THE SHREWD INVESTORYOU'D THINK.

TURNS OUT HE'S RUNNING ON FUMES.

GARY'S ASSETS ARE SAID TOINCLUDE "$50,000, OLD MOCCASINS,

A BROKEN PELLET GUN, AND MORETHAN 300 VHS TAPES."

COMEDIANS, I WANT YOU TO TELL MEAS MANY OF GARY BUSEY'S ASSETS

AS YOU CAN.

GO.

BAMFORD.

>> A LARGE HOAGIE.

I SAW HIM COME OUT OF THE WOODSWHEN I WAS HIKING IN THE MALIBU

WITH AN ITALIAN SUBWAY SUB.

>> Chris: POINTS.

DAN TELFER.

>> SNAKE DICKS THAT HE FOUND ONSOME SNAKES.

Chris: POINTS.

DAN.

>> TWO SQUIRREL SUITS. ONE FORSQUIRRELS, ONE MADE OUT OF

SQUIRRELS.

Chris: DAN.

>> JAKE BUSEY.

Chris: STEVE.

>> A LEGAL PAD WITH ALTERNATESPELLINGS OF BUSEY.

>> THIS OLD BANDAID. HE CHEWEDON IT FOR A WHILE, BUT IT'S

STILL GOOD.

Chris: BAMFORD.

A CERAMIC DOG BANK FROM COLOR MEMINE, HE DOESN'T PUT MONEY IN HE

JUST WHISPERS WISHES IN IT.

[LAUGHING]

>> Chris: STEVE.

>> A MASON JAR FULL OF THOUGHTS.

Chris: BAMFORD.

>> MINT CONDITION COPIES OF OMAGAZINE.