Flula Borg, Sara Schaefer and Randy Liedtke learn secrets from Julian Assange's stylish feline, list #CatTV shows and relay dog 911 calls in this special adorable episode.
So 2016 has been describedby meteorologists
as a "Class 5 (bleep) show,"so want
to take a breakfrom the bad news of the world,
courtesy of the adorable newsof the World Wide Web?
Well, let's do it.
Because honestly, you guys,uh, we have been...
we have been neck deepin crap news this entire year,
between terrorism and Zikaand the election virus and
losing people,pop culture icons that we love!
(applause and cheering)-What the (bleep), 2016?!
What the serious (bleep)?!
So, 2016 has definitely beenthe year of no chill.
So we decided that we were gonnagive you a mental break
from all that stuff tonight.
That is this entire show
is just an escape podfor you emotionally.
Let's start with my sweater.
I feel better surrounded byfuzzy wuzzy bears, all right?
-(applause and cheering)-It covers up by boo-boos.
I feel better!
I feel betterwhen I get stressed out
and I go,"What am I gonna do?"
And then Alf shows up and goes,"No problem, Chris."
-(applause and cheering)-"No problem!"
tonight, everything we're doingis cuter than a bug's ear,
and a bug's earis pretty (bleep) cute.
Welcome to I Can Haz Midnight.
-Here we are.-Yeah.
Or Cat Midnight if you want.
(applause and cheering)
One of the biggest storiesof the election was WikiLeaks,
the hacking organization ledby Julian Assange,
aka Men's rights Sephiroth,
who is possibly aided by Russia
and whose revelationsmay have swung the election.
But who gives a (bleep)about any of that anymore?!
His cat wears a tie! That's whatI care about. Look at that.
-Oh.-(applause and cheering)
Oh, my God!
He's stuckin that embassy all these years.
That's probably his best friendand probable lover.
-We don't know. Could be.-(audience groaning)
Who would you rather (bleep)--a human or a cat?
-"It's a tie." Uh...-Aah!
-Re...-(applause and cheering)
Ooh, he's so...
Ha! I kill me!
Comedians, Julian Assange
has spilled a lotof government secrets.
-What's a secret he might learnfrom his cat? -(cat meowing)
-Randy?-(laughter) -HARDWICK: Oh.
-Okay. Okay. I'm sorry.-Very nice.
Forgot to mention-- we changedthe buzzers today, so...
Uh, Garfield doesn'thate Mondays.
He hates Mormons.It was a typo.
-HARDWICK: Okay, points.-(laughter and groaning)
Uh, three dogs diedin Bone-ghazi.
-HARDWICK: All right. Points.-(groaning and laughter)
Cat ladies aren'tactually lonely.
They are secretly super hotintercourse machines.
I'm sorry. I'm just gettingthis. Breaking news.
Now, backto a "Tub Watch 2016" update.
Updates now. The total count isnow 17 dead from cuteness.
Let's check in with the puppy'sprogress and see how he's doing
with that bath livefrom the scene.
(applause and cheering)
Not sure what breed that is.
It looks like somethinga Muppet baby coughs up
when he chokes on cotton candy,but it is (bleep) adorable.
Comedians, this puppy ispermed and dangerous.
I would like you to give mean eyewitness description
Oh, it looks like a deerhas pooped on a cloud.
-Yes. It does, yeah.-(laughter)
Points. Yeah, these look...these are little poops.
Little poops.Tiny deer poo-poos.
Aw, that is adorable.
Aren't you guys feeling betteralready about the world?
-(cheering) -Knowingthat this stuff's out there.
And now (bleep) the worldwhile it burns.
-It's time for tonight's#HashtagWars. -Yeah!
Guys, what's cuter than cats?
Baby cats!That's what's cuter than...
-(audience aw'ing)-I know! An audible gasp!
From a woman in the audiencewho had never seen
a cat in baby form before.
They're called kittens.That's what we call them, ma'am.
Uh, and sincewe're fully committed
to keeping this episodeas cute as possible,
tonight's hashtag is #CatTV.
Examples might be--
Paw & Order.
The theme song is...♪ Meow, meow.
♪ Meow-meow, meow, meow
♪ Meow-meow-meow, meow, meow
♪ Meow! Meow! Meow! Meow!
♪ Meow, meow.
(laughter, applause)-♪ Meow, meow, meow, meow
♪ Meow, meow, meow,meow, meow, meow... ♪
Also, I have 60 seconds for youon the clock, and begin.
-(cat meows)-Randy Liedtke.
-Downton Tabby. -Yes, points!
-(seal barking)-Sara Schaefer.
-Sex and the Kitty. -Points.
-(duck quacking) -Flula. -Desperate House Cats.
-Yes, points.-(seal barking)
-Sara. -Who Wants to Be a Meow-lionaire?
-Randy. -Litter Box on the Prairie.
-Sara. -Eastbound & Put Down.
-Points. Points. Points.-(audience groaning) -(meow)
-Meow-dur, She Wrote. -Points. Very good.
-Randy. -Scared by the Bell.
-All right, points.-(cat meows)
-Randy. -Mouse. Instead of House.
-Yeah, yeah, points.-(laughter)
-(cheering, whooping)-(duck quacking)
-Flula. -Two and a Half Men
Who Are Also Allergic to Cats.
-(laughter)-All right, points. Very good.
-Rescue Dog 911. Rescue Dog911.
A redditor by the nameof Solsed recently posed
this question to reddit, uh,
if dogs had a 911 hotline,
what dog emergencieswould they call it for?
People, of course, respondedwith gems like, uh,
this one from TooGoodForSauce,who said,
"Somebody parked my neighbor'scar at my neighbor's house!
And now they're goinginto my neighbor's house!"
Comedians,who's a good comedian?
You're good comedians,yes, you are!
I want you to come up with asmany emergencies you might hear
on a dog 911 call as possiblein 60 seconds.
-And begin. Sara.-(barking)
I'd like to report a hate crime.
I hate it when they leave.
-All right, points. Randy.-(cat mewls)
Someone's been following meall day.
Oh, wait, that's just my tail.
-All right, points. Sara.-(barking)
I heard a truck.
-Points! Flula.-(duck quacks)
I would like to reporta dog emergency.
I don't know numbers!
-Yes, points. Flula.-(quacking)
Help, emergency, emergency!
I have not smelled another dog'sanus in eight minutes!
Please senda dog anus immediately!