Tuesday, November 15, 2016

  • 11/15/2016

Flula Borg, Sara Schaefer and Randy Liedtke learn secrets from Julian Assange's stylish feline, list #CatTV shows and relay dog 911 calls in this special adorable episode.

So 2016 has been describedby meteorologists

as a "Class 5 (bleep) show,"so want

to take a breakfrom the bad news of the world,

courtesy of the adorable newsof the World Wide Web?

Well, let's do it.

Because honestly, you guys,uh, we have been...

we have been neck deepin crap news this entire year,

between terrorism and Zikaand the election virus and

losing people,pop culture icons that we love!

(applause and cheering)-What the (bleep), 2016?!

What the serious (bleep)?!

So, 2016 has definitely beenthe year of no chill.

So we decided that we were gonnagive you a mental break

from all that stuff tonight.

That is this entire show

is just an escape podfor you emotionally.

Let's start with my sweater.

I feel better surrounded byfuzzy wuzzy bears, all right?

-(applause and cheering)-It covers up by boo-boos.

I feel better!

I feel betterwhen I get stressed out

and I go,"What am I gonna do?"

And then Alf shows up and goes,"No problem, Chris."

-(applause and cheering)-"No problem!"

-Yeah.-HARDWICK: So...

tonight, everything we're doingis cuter than a bug's ear,

and a bug's earis pretty (bleep) cute.

Welcome to I Can Haz Midnight.

-Here we are.-Yeah.

Or Cat Midnight if you want.

(applause and cheering)

All right.

One of the biggest storiesof the election was WikiLeaks,

the hacking organization ledby Julian Assange,

aka Men's rights Sephiroth,

who is possibly aided by Russia

and whose revelationsmay have swung the election.

But who gives a (bleep)about any of that anymore?!

His cat wears a tie! That's whatI care about. Look at that.

-Oh.-(applause and cheering)

Oh, my God!

He's stuckin that embassy all these years.

That's probably his best friendand probable lover.

-We don't know. Could be.-(audience groaning)

Who would you rather (bleep)--a human or a cat?

-"It's a tie." Uh...-Aah!

-Re...-(applause and cheering)

I know.

Ooh, he's so...

Ha! I kill me!

Comedians, Julian Assange

has spilled a lotof government secrets.

-What's a secret he might learnfrom his cat? -(cat meowing)

-Randy?-(laughter) -HARDWICK: Oh.

-Okay. Okay. I'm sorry.-Very nice.

Forgot to mention-- we changedthe buzzers today, so...

Uh, Randy.

Uh, Garfield doesn'thate Mondays.

He hates Mormons.It was a typo.

-HARDWICK: Okay, points.-(laughter and groaning)

-Points.-(dog barking)

Sara Schaefer.

Uh, three dogs diedin Bone-ghazi.

-HARDWICK: All right. Points.-(groaning and laughter)

-(duck quacking)-(laughter)


Cat ladies aren'tactually lonely.

They are secretly super hotintercourse machines.


I'm sorry. I'm just gettingthis. Breaking news.

Now, backto a "Tub Watch 2016" update.

Updates now. The total count isnow 17 dead from cuteness.

Let's check in with the puppy'sprogress and see how he's doing

with that bath livefrom the scene.

(audience sighing)


(applause and cheering)




Not sure what breed that is.

It looks like somethinga Muppet baby coughs up

when he chokes on cotton candy,but it is (bleep) adorable.

Comedians, this puppy ispermed and dangerous.

I would like you to give mean eyewitness description

(duck quacking)


Oh, it looks like a deerhas pooped on a cloud.

-Yes. It does, yeah.-(laughter)

Points. Yeah, these look...these are little poops.

Little poops.Tiny deer poo-poos.

Aw, that is adorable.

Aren't you guys feeling betteralready about the world?

-(cheering) -Knowingthat this stuff's out there.


And now (bleep) the worldwhile it burns.

-It's time for tonight's#HashtagWars. -Yeah!



Guys, what's cuter than cats?

Baby cats!That's what's cuter than...

-(audience aw'ing)-I know! An audible gasp!

From a woman in the audiencewho had never seen

a cat in baby form before.

They're called kittens.That's what we call them, ma'am.

Uh, and sincewe're fully committed

to keeping this episodeas cute as possible,

tonight's hashtag is #CatTV.

Examples might be--

Paw & Order.


The theme song is...♪ Meow, meow.

♪ Meow-meow, meow, meow

♪ Meow-meow-meow, meow, meow

♪ Meow! Meow! Meow! Meow!

♪ Meow, meow.

(laughter, applause)-♪ Meow, meow, meow, meow

♪ Meow, meow, meow,meow, meow, meow... ♪

Also, I have 60 seconds for youon the clock, and begin.

-(cat meows)-Randy Liedtke.

-Downton Tabby. -Yes, points!

-(seal barking)-Sara Schaefer.

-Sex and the Kitty. -Points.

-(duck quacking) -Flula. -Desperate House Cats.

-Yes, points.-(seal barking)

-Sara. -Who Wants to Be a Meow-lionaire?

-Points.-(cat meows)

-Randy. -Litter Box on the Prairie.

-Points.-(seal barking)

-Sara. -Eastbound & Put Down.

-Points. Points. Points.-(audience groaning) -(meow)

-Flula.-(duck quacking)

-Meow-dur, She Wrote. -Points. Very good.

(cat meows)

-Randy. -Scared by the Bell.

-All right, points.-(cat meows)

-Randy. -Mouse. Instead of House.

-Yeah, yeah, points.-(laughter)

-(cheering, whooping)-(duck quacking)

-Flula. -Two and a Half Men

Who Are Also Allergic to Cats.

-(laughter)-All right, points. Very good.

-Rescue Dog 911. Rescue Dog911.

-(dogs barking)Aw.

A redditor by the nameof Solsed recently posed

this question to reddit, uh,

if dogs had a 911 hotline,

what dog emergencieswould they call it for?

People, of course, respondedwith gems like, uh,

this one from TooGoodForSauce,who said,

"Somebody parked my neighbor'scar at my neighbor's house!

And now they're goinginto my neighbor's house!"

Comedians,who's a good comedian?

You're good comedians,yes, you are!

I want you to come up with asmany emergencies you might hear

on a dog 911 call as possiblein 60 seconds.

-And begin. Sara.-(barking)

I'd like to report a hate crime.

I hate it when they leave.

-All right, points. Randy.-(cat mewls)

Someone's been following meall day.

Oh, wait, that's just my tail.

-All right, points. Sara.-(barking)


I heard a truck.

-Points! Flula.-(duck quacks)

Hello, 6377?

I would like to reporta dog emergency.

I don't know numbers!

-Yes, points. Flula.-(quacking)

Help, emergency, emergency!

I have not smelled another dog'sanus in eight minutes!

Please senda dog anus immediately!