Extended - Thursday, April 21, 2016 - Uncensored

  • 04/21/2016

Alice Wetterlund, Eliot Glazer and Adam Conover go green for Earth Day, watch an edited Donald Trump speech and list #FantasySongs in this extended, uncensored episode.

IT'S OFFICIALLY EARTH DAY!

I WANT TO...

NOT ONE PERSON APPLAUDED.

(LAUGHTER)YEAH, MAN, I'M TRYING TO REDUCE

MY CARBON FOOTPRINT BY NOT USINGENERGY TO CLAP, SO, YOU KNOW.

IT TAKES A...

(LAUGHTER)>> VERY GOOD.

>> HARDWICK: WE'RE NOT EDITINGTHAT OUT.

THAT IS STAYING IN.

I THINK...

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)THE PEOPLE AT HOME, THE AUDIENCE

AT HOME NEEDS TO KNOW THAT THEAUDIENCE HERE WAS, LIKE, "FUCK,

EARTH."

LIKE, THEY NEED TO KNOW...

(LAUGHTER)I WOULD...

I WOULD LIKE TO TAKE SOME TIMETO CELEBRATE THOSE WHO WORK TO

MAKE OUR WORLD A BETTER PLACE.

POLITICIANS FIGHTING FOR GREENLEGISLATION, SCIENTISTS WORKING

AND MAKING INNOVATIONS IN CLEANENERGY, AND THE BRAVEST, MOST

SELFLESS CRUSADERS OF THEM ALL--I'M GETTING A LITTLE CHOKED UP--

YUPPIES WHO BRING THEIR OWNCLOTH BAGS TO WHOLE FOODS.

(LAUGHTER)THEY ARE REALLY MAKING IT

HAPPEN.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)THESE... ARE THE REAL HEROES.

SO, FUCK YOU, SCIENTISTS!

(LAUGHTER)HEY, POLITICIANS, "S" A "D!"

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO YOU ARE,TEACHERS.

I DON'T EVEN WANT TO LOOK ATYOU.

ONE ORGANIZATION DOING SOMETHINGSUPREMELY COOL FOR EARTH DAY IS

NASA, WHO IS ENCOURAGING PEOPLETO SHARE THEIR EARTH DAY

ACTIVITIES ONLINE WITH A HASHTAG24/7.

SO IN THE SPIRIT, COMEDIANS,WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO SAVE THE

PLANET THIS EARTH DAY?

ALICE WETTERLUND.

>> I'M ONLY EATING SUSTAINABLEORGANIC FOOD THAT I MAKE MYSELF,

SO, A LOT OF BOOGERS, A LOT OFMY OWN BOOGERS.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: OKAY, GOOD.

YEAH, THAT'S-THAT'S A LOT OFRECYCLING, TOO.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)YOU'RE RECYCLING.

>> RECYCLE.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

>> MMM.

>> HARDWICK: ELIOT GLAZER.

>> I'M RIDING MY BIKE TO MY CAR.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE & CHEERING)>> HARDWICK: OH, NICE. YEAH.

>> THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

>> HARDWICK: VERY WELL DONE.

>> THANK YOU SO MUCH.

>> WONDERFUL CHOICE...

>> THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

>> HARDWICK: ADAM CONOVER.

>> I'LL BE LIMITING MASTURBATINGIN THE SHOWER TO AN HOUR OR LESS

A DAY.

>> HARDWICK: OH, VERY GOOD.

VERY, VERY GOOD. IT'S...

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)>> IT'S A SACRIFICE.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH. LISTEN...

THE EARTH APPRECIATES YOULIMITING YOUR CARBON DICK PRINT

LIKE THAT, SO THANK YOU VERYMUCH.

HUMAN SCROTUM STRETCHED OVER AT-SHIRT CANNON DONALD TRUMP...

(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)...SWEPT TO VICTORY IN HIS HOME

STATE OF NEW YORK THIS WEEK ANDBOING BOING CELEBRATED BY

POSTING A VIDEO OF ONE OF HISSPEECHES THAT THEY...

THIS IS AMAZING.

THEY ALTERED THIS JUST ENOUGH TOMAKE IT FUNNIER.

SO, COMEDIANS, DID THEY SLOW ITDOWN BY 50% TO MAKE HIM SOUND

DRUNK, OR REPLACE EVERY MENTIONOF THE PHRASE "BUILD A WALL"

WITH "BUILD-A-BEAR?"(LAUGHTER)

ADAM.

>> UH, IT DEFINITELY REPLACEDEVERY MENTION OF THE PHRASE

"BUILD A WALL" WITH"BUILD-A-BEAR."

>> YEAH...

>> 'CAUSE HE ALREADY SEEMS DRUNKALL THE TIME. IT TAKES NO WORK.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: WELL, THAT'S NOT

THE CORRECT ANSWER, BUT I'MABOUT TO SHOW YOU HOW AMAZING,

IF YOU'D JUST SLOW HIM DOWN BY50%, HOW THIS TURNS OUT.

>> (SLOWED-DOWN): THESE AREGUYS THAT STUDY...

YOU KNOW WHAT?

THEY'RE SO CLOSE TO IT.

DID YOU EVER GET SO CLOSE TO ADEAL... OR A JOB THAT YOU

DON'T...

YOU SEE IT.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE & CHEERING)I DON'T CARE!

I DON'T CARE.

I NO LONGER CARE.

(LAUGHTER)>> YAY.

>> WOW.

>> HARDWICK: THAT IS WHY DRUNKUNCLES LOVE DONALD TRUMP-- THEY

MAKE FUN OF THEM.

>> IT'S LIKE, "GO HOME, UNCLEDONALD-- THANKSGIVING IS OVER.

>> HARDWICK (SLURRING): WHY?

>> IT'S 1:00 A.M.

>> HARDWICK: THEN I'LL BUILD THEWALL MYSELF.

I DON'T FUCKIN' NEED IT.

IT'S NOW TIME FOR TONIGHT'SHASHTAGWARS.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)(AUDIENCE SHOUTS)

I KNOW... YOU'RE EXCITED, I KNOWPANTS ARE ABOUT TO GET SHAT,

'CAUSE GAME OF THRONES IS COMINGBACK THIS SUNDAY.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)BUT...

FOR A SHOW BASED ON A BOOKSERIES CALLED A SONG OF ICE AND

FIRE, THERE'S SURPRISINGLYLITTLE SINGING.

SO I FEEL LIKE THE BEST WAY TOLIGHTEN THE MOOD AFTER ALL THAT

HEAD-CRUSHING AND SIBLING-BONINGWOULD BE A NICE RENDITION OF

"HODOR THE DOGS OUT."

SO, COMEDIANS...

(LAUGHTER)♪ HODOR THE DOGS OUT

HODOR! HODOR! HODOR! ♪>> ♪ HODOR! HODOR! HODOR!

>> HARDWICK: SO... COMEDIANS...

(APPLAUSE)...WE'RE GONNA... WE'RE GONNA

REMEDY THIS INCONGRUITY WITHTONIGHT'S HASHTAG #FANTASYSONGS.

#FANTASYSONGS.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)EXAMPLES MIGHT BE... EXAMPLES

MIGHT BE: "TYRION UP MY HEART"AND "YOU'RE A HARD HOBBIT TO

BREAK."

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK, AND BEGIN.

ALICE.

>> "ALL THE SMEAGOL LADIES."

>> HARDWICK: POINTS! SO GOOD!

(WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)ADAM.

>> "MY NECK, MY BACK, MY PUSSYAND MY KRAKEN."

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

VERY GOOD.

ALICE.

>> "I CAN SEE MY SWORD WHEN I'MWITH ORCS."

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

MR. GLAZER.

>> "MOVES LIKE FALCOR."

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: I'M PICTURING IT.

POINTS.

ALICE.

>> "STRAIGHT OUT OF DISTRICT11."

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

VERY GOOD.

ADAM.

>> OH, ANYTHING BY MY FAVORITERAPPER, SILMA RILLIONAIRE.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

VERY GOOD. VERY GOOD.

ALICE WETTERLUND.

>> UH, "KHAL DROGO BREAKIN' MYHEART."

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS. BEAUTIFUL.

ELIOT.

>> "FUCK THE KHALEESI."

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

(LAUGHTER)"FUCK THE KHALEESI."

>> HARDWICK: ADAM.

>> UH, "BACK IN THE U.S.S.R.R.

MARTIN."

>> HARDWICK: YES! POINTS!

VERY GOOD!