Matarese, Anderson, Rouse, Griffith

  • Season 7, Ep 704
  • 12/05/2003

Joe Matarese dates a psychologist, Amy Anderson puts Asian stereotypes to rest, drugs ruin Sean Rouse's memory, and Anthony Griffith describes his stepdad's Vietnam flashback.

NEW YORK IS A DIFFERENT THING,

BECAUSE Y'ALL GOT TAXI DRIVERS

TO TAKE YOU ANYWHERE...

NEW YORK--

I DIG IT.

I DIG IT.

LOT OF DIFFERENCES HERE.

LIKE HERE IN CALIFORNIA,

WHEN SOMEBODY CROSS THE STREET,

WE HAVE TO STOP.

[LAUGHTER]

Y'ALL ACTUALLY GO OUT OF

YOUR WAY TO HIT SOMEBODY.

MOVE, MOVE, PUNK.

I WAS GOING HERE FIRST.

BETTER GET YOUR ASS OUT THE WAY.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S DIFFERENT NOW, MAN.

A LOT OF BEAUTIFUL WOMEN--

AND, YOU KNOW WOMEN Y'ALL GOT IT

EASY 'CAUSE BEAUTIFUL WOMEN HAVE

THE EASY JOB, BECAUSE THEY JOB

IS JUST TO BE A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.

THAT'S ALL THEY...

WHAT DO YOU DO?

LOOK AT ME...

[LAUGHTER]

AND PRETTY WOMEN CAN'T COOK

WORTH A DAMN.

CAN'T MAKE NOTHING BUT

RESERVATIONS.

HEY, GIRL, WHAT WE EATING?

I DON'T KNOW.

WHERE DO YOU WANT TO EAT?

IN THE KITCHEN, THAT'S WHERE

I WANT TO EAT.

SEE THAT BOX WITH THE FIRE

COMING OUT.

THAT'S A STOVE.

THAT'S THE HELL I WANT.

WOMEN LOVE MONEY, THEY LOVE IT.

WOMEN LOVE MONEY.

WOMEN CAN LOOK AT YOU RIGHT NOW,

THEY DO.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THEY LOVE MONEY SO MUCH

THEY HATE YOU WHEN YOU DON'T

HAVE NONE.

YOU EVER SEE A WOMEN SEE

SOMEBODY BROKE?

"WHY DID YOU EVEN COME OUTSIDE?"

[LAUGHTER]

YOU CAN'T AFFORD NOTHING.

AND IT'S EASIER FOR WOMEN,

'CAUSE EVERY WOMAN IN HERE CAN

GET SOME MAN, SOMEWHERE, TO HELP

HER WITH HER BILLS.

EVERY WOMAN IN HERE CAN GET

SOME MAN, SOMEWHERE, EVERY ONE.

[CHEERING]

NOW, SOME OF Y'ALL FINE AS HELL,

YOU'RE GOING TO GET THE BEST

OF LIFE, MERCEDES, DIAMONDS.

SOME OF Y'ALL DOESN'T GET

A RIDE HOME FROM WORK, YOU KNOW?

[LAUGHTER]

YOU GOT TO BE REALISTIC WITH

YOUR OPTIONS.

GET FAIR MARKET VALUE, YOU KNOW?

YOU DON'T WANT TO COME OUT OF

THE HOUSE, "WHY NOT GET A CAR?

LOOK AT YOU."

LEAVE ME ALONE.

MOVE.

TWO YEARS AND I HAD TO MOVE BACK

TO NEW YORK BECAUSE I WANTED

TO FIND A NICE NORMAL GIRL.

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH, OH, MY GOD, THE L.A.

GIRLS, WHAT THE HECK?

FIRST OF ALL, THEY DON'T KNOW

HOW TO HOLD BACK THEIR

DYSFUNCTIONS.

[LAUGHTER]

NO, I SWEAR.

FIRST DATE WITH THIS GIRL

OUT THERE, SHE LOOKS AT ME

AND GOES "BOTH MY PARENTS

HAVE A DRUG PROBLEM.

I DO, TOO.

THINK IT'S HEREDITARY."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"I DON'T HAVE ORGASMS, I CAN'T."

OKAY, THAT'S GREAT, BUT YOU

MIGHT WANT TO ORDER THE

WAITRESS IS HERE.

SHUT UP.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND I AM SO GLAD I MOVED BACK.

I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU.

WITHIN TWO WEEKS OF MOVING BACK,

I MET MY CURRENT GIRLFRIEND.

WE'VE BEEN DATING TEN MONTHS.

SHE'S ONE YEAR FROM GETTING

HER PH.D. IN NEUROPSYCHOLOGY.

YES.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

NEW YORK, BABY.

I'VE GOT A FRIEND THAT WEIGHS

400 POUNDS.

I TOLD HIM I WAS DATING

A PSYCHOLOGIST.

HE GOES, "HA, HA, THAT'S LIKE ME

DATING A NUTRITIONIST."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

ALRIGHT.

I'VE GOT ISSUES.

I'LL ADMIT THEM, OKAY?

BUT THIS GIRL, SHE'S MOTIVATING

ME TO IMPROVE.

SHE IS.

LIKE ONE OF THEM THAT I'M TRYING

TO IMPROVE IS THAT I'M A

TERRIBLE LISTENER, OKAY?

SHE LISTENS FOR A LIVING,

SO SHE'S AMAZING AT IT.

SOMETIMES IT'S FRUSTRATING.

LIKE I WAS IN VEGAS A COUPLE

WEEKS AGO FOR MY BROTHER'S

BACHELOR'S PARTY.

AND I WAS MAKING THAT CHECK IN

CALL THAT YOU DO WITH YOUR GIRL

WHEN YOU'RE AWAY.

SHE GIVES ME ONE OF THESE.

SHE GOES, "YOU DON'T SOUND LIKE

YOURSELF.

[LAUGHTER]

I FEEL LIKE WE'RE OFF

OR SOMETHING.

SOMETHING'S DISCONNECTED."

I'M LIKE "MAYBE THAT'S BECAUSE

NINE OF MY FRIENDS ARE IN

THE OTHER ROOM YELLING 'HOMO'".

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

MAN, I THINK THIS GIRL'S WORTH

IMPROVING FOR.

I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU GUYS

FEEL ABOUT IT, BUT I THINK

SHE'S WORTH IT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THOSE ARE THE BEST WOMEN,

OR THE BEST MEN, WHEN YOU'VE GOT

TO STRETCH.

YOU'VE GOT TO GET BETTER, YEAH.

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH, BECAUSE CHECK THIS OUT.

WE ACTUALLY JUST MOVED BACK

TO CALIFORNIA.

YEAH, BUT THIS TIME IT'S

SAN DIEGO AND IT'S FOR HER

CAREER, NOT MINE.

YEAH.

THANK YOU.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YOU'RE LIKE "HE IS THAT GIRL.

HE IS."

ALL MY NEGATIVE NEW YORK FRIENDS

ARE LIKE, "WHAT ARE YOU STUPID,

DUDE?

YOU'RE GOING TO RELOCATE FOR

YOUR GIRL?"

I'M LIKE "WOULD YOU SHUT UP,

OKAY?

I'M 35 AND I'M STILL SINGLE,

ALRIGHT?

I'M OFFICIALLY THREE YEARS AWAY

FROM BEING THAT WEIRD UNCLE.

YOU'RE NOT SURE IF HE'S GAY

OR NOT."

YOU GUYS ARE AWESOME.

BORN AND RAISED IN--

YEAH.

I LOVE GOING HOME WHEN I CAN,

AND I GREW UP IN A FAIRLY

RELIGIOUS HOUSEHOLD.

I GREW UP BAPTIST, SO I WAS IN

CHURCH ALL DAY ON SUNDAY.

I WANTED TO BE A CATHOLIC SO BAD

WHEN I WAS GROWING UP BECAUSE

CATHOLICS GET IN AND OUT.

ONE HOUR MEANS ONE HOUR

TO A CATHOLIC.

I'VE SEEN CATHOLICS RIOT

AFTER HOUR, "HEY, HEY, COME ON."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S TRUE.

Y'ALL DON'T PLAY.

I HAD CATHOLIC FRIENDS WHO WOULD

COME OVER AND SAY, "HEY, GRIFF,

YOU WANT TO PLAY SOME FOOTBALL?"

"I GOTTA GO TO CHURCH."

"WE'LL PLAY WHEN YOU GET OUT."

"UH-UH, I'M BAPTIST.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU WON'T SEE ME UNTIL MONDAY."

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S WHAT I WAS RAISED ON.

CHURCH AND GOLD TEETH, 'CAUSE MY

FAMILY'S ORIGINALLY FROM DOWN

SOUTH AND GOLD TEETH ARE

OUR STATUS SYMBOLS DOWN SOUTH,

SO EVERYBODY IN MY FAMILY HAS

GOLD TEETH.

SOME HAVE BARELY GOT TEETH

GOT GOLD TEETH.

I GOT AN UNCLE HE HAS FO' TEETH,

ALL IN GOLD.

FO', NOT FOUR, FO'.

FOUR IS WHEN THEY ALTOGETHER.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HE GOT FO'.

SO NOW I'M TRYING TO RAISE THE

THIRD GENERATION OF DYSFUNCTION

IN MY FAMILY, MY 17 YEAR-OLD

COUSIN, WHICH IS HARD.

HE'S A TEENAGER AND HE'S 6'7".

SO HE SWEAR HE'S GOD'S GIFT

TO MANKIND.

HE'S ALWAYS LIFTING WEIGHTS

AT NIGHT LIKE HE'S IN LOCKDOWN.

I WAS TRYING TO GAUGE HOW STRONG

I AM.

"HEY, MAN, HOW MUCH CAN YOU

BENCH PRESS?"

"I DON'T KNOW."

"HOW MANY PUSHUPS CAN YOU DO?"

"I DON'T KNOW."

"YOU WANT TO WRESTLE?"

"NO."

"WERE YOU SCARED, YOU SCARED

OF THESE GUNS?"

"IF I WAS SCARED OF YOU, I WOULD

CHOKE YOU IN YOUR SLEEP."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NOW I DIDN'T FIND THAT OUT UNTIL

AFTER THE FIGHT.

[LAUGHTER]

MY STEPFATHER DID TWO TOURS

OF 'NAM.

YOU DO ONE TOUR IT'S BECAUSE

YOU'RE SERVING YOUR COUNTRY.

YOU DO A SECOND TOUR IT'S

BECAUSE YOU GOT ISSUES.

[LAUGHTER]

SO HERE I AM 17 COMING HOME

DRUNK TWO IN THE MORNING.

MY STEPFATHER'S AT THE DOOR,

"SAY, MAN, WHAT TIME I TELL YOU

TO BE IN TONIGHT?"

"MAN, GET OFF MY BACK.

YOU AIN'T MY REAL DADDY.

I AIN'T GOT TO LISTEN TO YOU."

HE SAY, "WHAT'D YOU SAY?"

[LAUGHTER]

"I SAID, 'YOU AIN'T MY REAL

DADDY.

I AIN'T GOT TO LISTEN TO YOU'",

WHICH IS THE WORST THING I COULD

HAVE TOLD MY STEPFATHER,

'CAUSE ALL OF A SUDDEN, HE HAD

A LITTLE GRIN ON HIS FACE,

AS IF IT JUST DAWNED ON HIM.

[LAUGHTER]

NEXT THING I KNOW, MY STEPFATHER

WAS BACK IN 'NAM.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU WANT SOME OF ME, CHARLEY?

YOU THINK YOU CAN TAKE ME,

CHARLEY?

AND HE STARTED DOING ALL THESE

MARTIAL ARTS, COMBAT MOVES THAT

YOU SEE IN MOVIES, AND YOU SAY

TO YOURSELF, MAN, THAT WOULD

NEVER HAD WORKED IN REAL LIFE.

IT WORKS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HE HEAD BUTTED ME,

POPPED MY EARS.

JABBED ME IN THE THROAT,

PUT DIRT ALL IN MY MOUTH.

TO THIS DAY, I DON'T KNOW WHERE

THE DIRT CAME FROM.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND THE ONLY THING I GOT TO SAY

BEFORE I PASSED OUT WAS

"WHO'S CHARLEY?"