Wednesday, April 6, 2016

  • 04/06/2016

Affion Crockett, Jamar Neighbors and Tiffany Haddish make up #CatBooks, detail bizarre scenes from Russian weddings and fess up to lies they've told.

This happened on NBC News.

Twitter reacted with glee

when George Mason Universityrenamed the law school

after late Supreme Court JusticeAntonin Scalia,

not because they're big fansof werewolf Mike Huckabee,

but because the acronym

for The Antonin Scalia Schoolof Law is "ASS Law."

(laughter,cheers and applause)

You know, this is a shame

because Justice Scaliawas really usually more

-of a tits law man, so...-(laughter)

But after the announcement,

immediately ASS Law becamethe butt of everyone's jokes,

and George Masonswitched the name

to Antonin Scalia Law School.

Though, no official word yetfrom Dean Mix-a-Lot.

So, comedians,

since the original namewill always live on

in our hearts and in butts,what would be a class

that you would take at ASS Law?

Affion, go.

-Gluteus versus Maximus.-HARDWICK: Yes.

-(laughter, applause)-Cracks in the judicial system.

Jamar.

A culinary classthat teaches you

how to make truffle butter.

HARDWICK:All right, yeah. Absolutely.

(applause and cheering)

Absolutely. Tiffany Haddish.

How to give diplomatic immunityfor Nicki Minaj's ass.

HARDWICK:Yes!

If Guy Ritchie's taught usanything, it's that British

gangsters talk likeif Dr. Seuss ran a fight club,

and the Brits love a good heist.

Well, a handfulof British ne'er-do-wells

got themselves pinchedin the caper of the century.

(with British accent):"Gang of biscuit thieves jailed

for nicking 20,000 poundsof Jammie Dodgers."

(British accent):Bollocks! Bollocks!

The bicky's been nicked!

(laughter,applause and cheering)

Uh, these bickyshave been nicked?

Get Jason Stathamon the blower.

Get him on the blower.

(in his own voice): Comedians,I would like to show you

each a different cookie thief.

I want you to introduce them

as a characterin a Guy Ritchie film.

Affion, you're up first.

Who is this guy?

(with British accent): Oh, oh,oh, this bloke here?

That's Mickey Overbite.

We call him thatbecause he uses too much teeth

-to blow your (bleep).-HARDWICK: All right, points.

-Points.-(laughter, applause & cheering)

Jamar.

That's Hacksaw Hank.

-(laughter)-He's not vi...

CROCKETT:You're gonna stop

right there.We got it.

He's not violent.He just works at Home Depot.

HARDWICK: Yeah, that's it.Yeah, he'll sell you a hacksaw.

Points. Tiffany Haddish.

What about this guy?

That's Tommy Milkcarton, 'causehe looks like a missing kid,

and his breath smellslike old ass milk.

-HARDWICK: Uh, points.-(laughter, applause & cheering)

I... (mumbling)

I thought that was...

I thought that was Seth Greenfor a minute.

-HARDWICK: It's not Seth Green.-That's not Seth Green?

-That's not Seth Green, no.-Okay, okay. -(laughter)

HADDISH:It's Danny Bonaduce's nephew.

HARDWICK: It's notDanny Bonaduce, either.

-Uh, Bud Bundy?-It's not Bud Bundy.

I know, I know,we all look alike. Uh...

It is now timefor the #HashtagWars.

-All right!-(cheering, applause)

Two of our comedians tonightare from a movie called Keanu,

which I ampreemptively declaring

the best cat movie ever.

(cheering, applause)

Key and Peele.This is the Key and Peele movie,

and you should absolutelygo out and see it.

-HADDISH: Watch it! Watch it!-NEIGHBORS: Yes! -(cheering)

So... uh, since we'veclearly got cat movies covered,

we're gonna lookto new ground tonight

with the hashtag #CatBooks.

Examples might be: A Farewell to Armrests,

or: To Kill a Mockingbird and Leave Its Body

in Its Owner's Slippers.

Uh, I'm gonna put 60 secondson the clock, and begin.

-Affion.- The Great Catsby.

Yes. Points.

-Tiffany. -The Old Man and the Pussy.

Yes. Points.

-Jamar. -Moby Barbed Dick.

-Yes. Points.-(laughter)

(Hardwick continues laughing)

Points. Tiffany.

-The Scarlet Litter. -Yes. Points.

Affion.

Charlie and the Pussy Factory.

Points. Jamar.

I Know Why the Caged Bird's Dead.

-Points. Very good.-(laughter)

-Tiffany. -The Girl with the Hello Kitty Tattoo.

-Points.-(laughter)

Jamar.

-Puss in Roots. -Yes. Points.

Jamar.

Two Cats in the Hat.

-Points.-(laughter)

Affion.

-A Tale of Two Kitties. -All right, good.

Yeah, right there,right there. Points.

That's the endof the #HashtagWars.

It is time to playRussian to the Altar.

Russian to the Altar.

(cheering)

Oh... Russia!

Or, as I like to call it,Ice Florida.

Now, if you'reover the age of 25,

I'm guessing your Facebook feedis clogged

with precious wedding photosthat look like Taylor Swift

farted them into a mason jar.

Russian wedding photos,on the other hand...

look like they were just pulledout of a gas station toilet

by a hobo with meth sharts.

So, comedians,I'm gonna show you

what's apparentlya bizarre Russian wedding photo,

from the blog Pryf,and for 250 points,

you're gonna have to answera question about it, all right?

First up... (Russian accent):this festive reception.

I would like you to, uh...

give us a linefrom this wedding toast.

Jamar.

I'm sorry your fathercouldn't make it,

but he called to say he hasa particular set of skills.

-(laughter)-Points.

(applause)

Affion.

(Russian accent):Uh, I apologize,

whole wedding party disappear.

But... they should knew better

than compare Putin last nameto flatulence.

-Yes. Points. Points.-(laughter)

Nyet! Nyet!

Absolutely.

Next up, this blushin' Russian.

-This blushin' Russian there.-(gasping, whooping)

(whooping, shouting)

Where is she goingon her honeymoon?

Jamar.

To give that penis backto Doctor Manhattan.

-Points.-(laughter)

(applause)

Affion.

She's going to Smurf Village

to find the steroid ownerof that (bleep).

Yeah, points.Points.

Tiffany.

She's going to a gang bangat the screening of Avatar

because that moviejust came out in Russia.

Yeah, points.Points.

Brand new.

HADDISH:They love me right here,

-they love me right here.-They love it, they love it.

Oh, yeah.

This guy just stoppedpaying attention to the show.

Like, he's not even watching...

He's not even seeing anythingthat's happening over there.

He's just...He's just...

Yeah.

We're gonna have to pry him offthat chair at the end of the...

Next up, next up,these rowdy Russians.

Uh, what did the photographersay to them...

What did the photographer sayto get this shot?

Jamar.

Show my daughterhow much you love her.

Points.

Uh, Affion.

I promise this best way to getfive-star rating in my Uber.

Points.

My... my Uber.

You have to do this.

Guaranteed, five star.Five. Five rating.

Finally, this Russian reboot--

what's something you'd seewritten in this guest book?

Tiffany.

Wait.

"Finally, a weddingI can jack off too.

Your friend, Michael Bay."

Yes, points.

Jamar.

"Where Tyrese at?

Sincerely, Tyrese."

Points.

Affion.

"Uh, hey, it's me,Optimus Prime.

"Uh, I hope your honeymoon,uh, transforms your love

and I hope your spermrolls out!"

Points.

Rolls out!

I stole your bit.

Pants on Fire. Pants on Fire.

It is officially Tell a Lie Day.Or is it?

Historically, George Washingtonhated this holiday,

but Nixon loved it.So to celebrate this fib fest,

comedians, please give meas many of the lies

you've told as possiblein 60 seconds.

-Affion.-Nah, girl, you ain't get fat.

That's just extra love meat.

All right. I'll give you points.Jamar.

Uh, no, I smoke weedfor medicinal purposes.

Points. Tiffany.

Yes, yes, I am Angela Bassett.

Points. Affion.

Ma'am, there's no such thingas an ugly baby.

Your baby looks like a youngSteve Buscemi in the face.

Points.

Points. Jamar.

Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah.When I get rich,

-I'm-a give backto the community. Yeah. -Points.

Tiffany. Tiffany.

Ooh, Chris, it's so big.It hurts.

(cheering and applause)

Hey. You know what...

Okay.

I'm gonna give you points,and I'm also pissed

that no one ev... has attemptedto use that lie.

Jamar.

Man, I'd never wear a dressin a movie.

Points. Tiffany.

Yes, I'm pregnant by you, Chris,

and you gonna paythis child support.

-Stop playing games. It'syour baby. -All right, points.

Points. Points.

I'm sorry.

I just can't keepmy big old dick in my pants!

-It's just so big, it's hardto contain it. -Chris! Chris!

It's just hard to contain it!

(cheering and applause)

Aah!