The Devil's Hands Are Idle Playthings

  • Season 4, Ep 18
  • 11/26/2000

Fry makes a deal with the Robot Devil in order to master the holophone and show his love for Leela.

Captioning sponsored by MTV NETWORKS

( muffled, discordant notes play )Huh?

I choose to not understandthese signs.

Aha!

Uh, B-Bender!

I-I was just not playingthe holophonor!

Yeah? Well, you should trynot stinking at it.

Well, I am trying.

I've been taking lessons.

Lessons? That's rich!

Isn't it time yougave up all hope

of ever improvingyourself in any way?

I know I should,but I just can't.

Remember when I hadthose stomach worms

that made me smart?

I could play the holophonor,and it made Leela like me.

Hey, Bender,as long as you know

I have a holophonorrecital Tuesday

and I'd really liketo have somebody there.

Please?

Fine, I'll goalready.

You know, sometimes Iwish your real parentswere still alive.

Not often, though.

Mmm...

BENDER:Whoa, whoa.

Hey!

( groans )

( indistinct chatter )

Uh, hello, Mrs. Mellinger.

Hello, Philip.

And you must beMr. Bender.

Philip's told meso much about you.

Is it true thatyou're a robot?

I prefer the term "love machine."

( purrs )

( playing "Fur Elise" skillfully )

( tone rings )

( tone rings )

( applause )

Wow, your kidis great.

How hard did you sayyou had to hit him?

Fairly hard.

( chair squeaks )

( clears throat ):"The Grumpy Snail."

( playing simple melody )

( flat note )

( growls )Sorry.

( playing discordantly )( snail choking )

( growling )

( gasping )

( screaming )

It's too grumpy!( playing discordantly )

Ooh! Hey!

( audience booing )No, wait, stop!

Whoo!

Mr. Bender, I simplycannot teach your child!

Then good day, Madame!

( slams door )

We hope to see you soon for tea.

( slams door )

FRY: It's hopeless.

I can hear all thisgreat music in my head

but my stupid handscan't keep up.

Aw, you know whatalways cheers me up?

Laughing at other people'smisfortunes.

( laughs )

Hey, guys, you missed a greatdelivery to Space Earth.

Where you been all afternoon?

At a-a concert.

Ooh, was it jazz noodling?

My ex-boyfriend Seanplayed the sax.

I used to listen for hours

while he sat naked on my couchand improvised.

So, musicians reallyRodger your Hammerstein, huh?

Yeah, it's weird-- Sean wasuneducated, unambitious

he was pasty and hunched...

( under breath ):Pretty boy.

...but when he played

I could sense this incredible,beautiful, creative soul.

Then one day, I found someoneelse's couch fibers on his butt.

( angry muttering )

That could be mybeautiful soul

sitting nakedon her couch

if I could justlearn to play thisstupid thing.

Oh, but you can!

Though you may haveto metaphorically

make a dealwith the Devil.

And by "Devil,"I mean Robot Devil.

And by "metaphorically,"I mean get your coat.

( all screaming )

( band plays "Welcome to Robot Hell" )

( groans )

You hit a sour note about200 years back, Doug!

Let's take itfrom the top.

( grunting )

Ah, Bender, Fry!

You've come back for moreeternal damnation.

No, this isn'ta religious visit.

Fry just wants holophonorlessons.

Yep. I need to getreally good without practicing.

( fiendish laughter )

Hell is fullof 10-year-olds

who wanted exactlythe same thing!

Trouble is, you havewhat my old music teacher

Mrs. Mellinger,calls "Stupid Fingers."

With hands like that

you'll be luckyto master a belt buckle.

Now, wouldn't it be niceif you had a pair of robot hands

to replace them?

Sure would.

Oh, well.Good-bye.

Fry, you smelly idiot!

I think he's willingto make some kind

of a deal withthe Devil with you.

He-He is? Great!

Wait-- what's the catch?

No catch.

I'll merely picka robot at random

from somewherein the universe--

probably oneyou've never even met--

and then I'llremove his hands

and switch themfor yours.

It's just the sort of guy I am.

What do you say?

Um, I don't know.

It doesn't seementirely moral to...

Fry, if you don'ttake this offerright now

I will lose all respectfor you and punch you.

( fiendish chuckle )

Well... all right.

You're sure Iprobably won't know him?

Definitelyprobably not.

Just signthis contract...

Wow.

And here we go!

( cackling )

I got a hundred buckson Rectal-Exam-Bot!

( beeping )

( screams )

"Robot Devil?"

I get your hands? 'Zam!

Oh, what an appallinglyironic outcome!

It's not ironic.It's just coincidental.

Now fork over theladyfingers, cookie.

( sighs )

You know, I onlyput my name on there

as a show of good faithfor the other robots.

Stop being such a babyand chop my hands off.

Oh, very well.

How'd you do that?

They're very good hands.

At last!

At last I have the powerto make Leela love me.

( gagging )

Oh, sorry.That'll wear offin a couple of days.

( choking )

Check it out,everyone.

I'm back from Hell

and I've gotthe Robot Devil's hands.

Neat! Let's see a trick.

All righty.

( startled yelling )

( yelling gibberish )

Somebody calledthe Robot Devil's here

to see somebodycalled Fry.

Uh-oh.

Where'd I go just now?

Hello, Fry.

( fiendish laughter )

Just dropped byto make sure

you're as happywith our little deal as I am.

Oh... give me back my hands!

These things are alwaystouching me in places.

( sniggering )

Yeah, they get around.

But I'm afraid we had a deal.

Oh! Looks likeI wasted a bus trip.

Yes, you did.

( playing "The Grumpy Snail" )

( playing "Fur Elise" )

( pained yelp )

( orchestra playing "Bolero" )

( cheering )

Yes, now you can hearholophonor virtuoso Philip Fry

play 900 of these classic themesin your own home

on this two-record set.

That's over 30 minutesof music for only $14.99.

Only $14.99for a two-record set.

Two records!

Oh, Zoidberg, at last you'rebecoming a crafty consumer.

MAN:Hello.

Hello? I'll take eight.

( doorbell ringing )

A Mr. Hedonismbotto see you.

Uh, show him in.

Very good, sir.

Ah, Fry, congratulations.

Your latest performancewas as delectable

as dipping my bottomover and over

into a bathof the silkiest oils and creams.

Thank you, sir.

That's exactlywhat I was going for.

You are the sole diversion

in what has beena pale and un-amusing season.

And so, I would fain commissionyou write an opera.

But I've never written an opera.

And I've never heard one.

Still, if you can keep me amusedthrough the overture

I shall consider ita smashing success.

But I wouldn't even knowwhat to write about.

Unless...

( slurping )

Okay, I'll do it

if I can make itabout Leela.

Me? Really?

A man writing anopera about a woman?

( airy laughter )

Oh, sirrah, howdeliciously absurd.

I shall see youat the premiere.

( more airy laughter )

( ethereal, echoing, alto sax-type riffs )

Is it part of the opera?

Leela!You shouldn't be listening.

I don't want you to hear ittill it's done.

But it's so beautiful.

So is a peacock

but you don't eat ituntil it's cooked.

This has to be perfect.

I want you to hearexactly what I hear

when I think about you.

Oh, Fry, all this timeyou've had this incredible gift

and I never knew.

I've been a fool--a fully justified, prudent fool.

( screeches )

They're so cold!

ROBOT DEVIL:And yet Hell is so hot!

( fiendish laughter )

Can I havemy hands back now?

No!

You're not nice!

( tuneless humming )

Hey!

Ah, Bender,this is a surprise...

for you, finding mein the refrigerator.

True, but at leastI don't have thehiccups anymore.

What up?

Oh, well, it so happens

I'm in the moodto make a deal with you.

Forget it; youcan't tempt me.

Really?

There's nothing you want?

Hmm. I forgot you could tempt mewith things I want.

Well, I supposeI've always wondered

what it would be liketo be more annoying.

( laughing ):Oh...

nothing simpler.

And all I ask in returnis your hands

to replace these bony hot dogs.

Grabby and Squeezy?

Never. I love these guys.

Oh! Well, is there anything elseyou would part with?

No, nothing;ain't going to happen.

Yes! With this built-instadium air horn

I can really annoy people

and all it cost mewas my crotch plate.

You certainly area shrewd businessman, Bender.

Now, find someoneand give them a good blast.

Yeah, that will teachthe first person I see a lesson.

Ah, my ridiculouslycircuitous plan

is one quarter complete.

( fiendish laughter )

Well, Fry's operapremieres tomorrow night.

I'm off to find apair of formal gloves

that will fit overmy enormous forearms.

( air horn blasting )

( laughing )

Pretty annoying, huh, Leela?

What? Are you talking?

Oh, God, I'm deaf!

Oops. I'm so, so sorry, Leela.

I just wanted to annoy you.

What? Oh, this is horrible!

I won't be ableto hear Fry's opera!

( sobbing )

Ah, how delightfully ironic.

It's not ironic.

It's just mean.

Take this!

( air horn blast fizzles out )

Ooh, out of aerosol.

Also ironic.

Oh, yeah?

Well, bite my shiny metal...

Oh, no!!!

Nobody tellFry I'm deaf.

If he foundout I couldn'thear his opera

it'd breakhis heart.

Okay, deaf-o.

( whirring )

Courtesans and gentlefops...

I bid you welcometo my opera.

Let us cavortlike the Greeks of old.

You know the onesI mean.

( orchestra tuning up )

( baton tapping stand )

( audience gasping )

( applause and cheers )

Yay, Fry.

I watched TV with that guy.

( orchestra plays )

( wind instrument solo )

♪ Who is this one-eyedfemale baby Moses? ♪

♪ With courage in herfemale baby smile? ♪

♪ A savior from the stars ♪

♪ Or something stranger still? ♪

♪ Or just a lonely,filthy, starving child? ♪

Amy, Fry's looking at me.

What am I supposedto be feeling?

Ah!

♪ Leela! ♪

♪ Leela, Leela! ♪

♪ Save him! ♪

♪ Save Fry, save Fry! ♪

♪ Godzilla will devour him ♪

♪ As for me,I must be off ♪

♪ To have my doctorcheck this cough ♪

( coughing )

♪ Good-bye! ♪

I don't recallever fighting Godzilla

but that is sowhat I would have done.

( crowd chatting )

( laughing )

One diet doubleMartini, please.

And for you, sir?

I'll just havea Shirley Hemphill.

Extra, extra!

World's greatest operaonly half over!

Half over?

Oh!

I'd give anythingto hear the rest.

Anything?

( gasps )( glass breaking )

Thank you, sir.

Now, as I was saying...

Anything?

Because I can give you new robotic ears.

What?

You can give me new ears?

Wait.

What seemingly reasonable thingdo you want in return?

Just your hands,my dear.

Whatever you said, forget it!

All right, then.

Just one hand.

Just... my left hand?

Um... uh...

USHER:Please take yourseats for Act Two.

HEDONISMBOT:But I'm notdone vomiting!

( airy laugh )

I can't stand it!

( deep breath )

Okay, you can have my hand.

Wonderful!

Just sign here.

Calculon, old friend,I'm afraid I need your ears.

Well, I do oweyou for givingme this unholy...

acting talent!

( ethereal music plays )

I can hear!

I can hearlike a safecracker.

Hey, aren't you goingto take my hand?

In good time.

You go enjoythe opera.

( music plays )

♪ To win Leela's heartwith the holophonor's art ♪

♪ I need handsof transcendental quickness ♪

♪ Well, I don'tsee any danger ♪

♪ In gamblingwith a stranger ♪

♪ For my head is ofa most amazing thickness. ♪

Ooh!

( laughter )

( angry groan )

♪ I'm stupid,I'm stupid ♪

♪ I'm stupiderthan you ♪

♪ I'm stupider than youin every way! ♪

Stupider?

Bah!

This opera is as lousyas it is brilliant.

( groans )( pained grunt )

( gasping )

( whimpers )

Your lyrics lack subtlety.

You can't just

have your characters announcehow they feel.

That makes me feel angry.

Look, what doyou want?

♪ I want my hands back. ♪

( fiendish laughter )

Never!

♪ A deal's a deal ♪

♪ Even with a dirty dealer ♪

♪ Very well ♪

♪ Then I'll takewhat I want from Leela. ♪

Whoa!

♪ Leela has promised meher hand ♪

( all gasping )

♪ Fry, you donot understand! ♪

♪ I should have revealed ♪

♪ I'd been deafened by Bender ♪

♪ The shame ♪

♪ The shame! ♪

♪ But I fearedyou'd stop writing ♪

♪ This musical splendor ♪

♪ Deception's the curseof my whimsical gender ♪

♪ He gave me mechanical ears ♪

♪ Effective, though justa bit garish ♪

♪ In return,without shedding a tear ♪

♪ I agreedthat I'd give him my hand ♪

♪ In marriage! ♪

Huh?What?

♪ You'll give me your handin marriage ♪

♪ Is this reallyhappening ♪

♪ Or just being staged? ♪

♪ It can't be real ♪

♪ Not if Leelais engaged ♪

♪ That isn't what I meant ♪

♪ That isn't what I signed ♪

♪ You should havechecked the wording ♪

♪ In the fine... ♪

♪ Print ♪

"I'll give you my hand... "

♪ In marriage! ♪♪ In marriage! ♪

♪ The use of wordsexpressing something other ♪

♪ Than their literal intention ♪

♪ Now that is irony ♪

( gasping and grunting )

♪ I will marry her nowand confine her to Hell ♪

♪ How droll! ♪

♪ How droll! ♪

♪ Where Styx is a riverand not just a band ♪

♪ Though they'll playour reception ♪

♪ If all goes as planned ♪

♪ Unless Fry--you surrender my hands! ♪

( dramatic orchestral crescendo )

( quiet string and percussion solo )

♪ Destiny has cheated me ♪

♪ By forcing meto decide upon ♪

♪ The woman that I idolize ♪

♪ Or the hands of an automaton ♪

♪ Without these handsI can't complete ♪

♪ The operathat was captivating her ♪

♪ But if I keep them,and she marries him ♪

♪ Then he probably won'twant me dating her. ♪

( applause and cheering )Arooo!

Brave-o!

En-core!

♪ I can't believe thedevil is so unforgiving ♪

♪ I can't believe everybody'sjust ad-libbing. ♪

Oh. Ugh.

♪ By the power vested in me ♪

♪ By the stateof New New York... ♪

No! Stop!

♪ Take my hands ♪

♪ You evil... metal... dork! ♪

( sobbing )

( fiendish laughter )

( gasps )

Surgery in an opera?

How wonderfully decadent!

And just as I was beginningto lose interest.

Jambi, the chocolate icing!

Oh!

Oh, my, yes!

( giggling )

Ooh.

My hands!

My horrible human hands!

( gasps )

And what did you doto my nails?

I cleaned them.

Now, if you'llexcuse me, it'smy poker night

and I feel lucky.

( giggling )

So it's backto Hell for me!

Come on, Nixon.

Huh?

( muttering )

( Robot Devil chuckling )

Less reality,more fantasy!

Resume the opera!

But I can't play anymore!

Yes, you can!

The beauty wasin your heart,

not your hands.

( plays discordant notes )

( booing )

Your music's bad,and you should feel bad.

( booing )

( grunting )

Ah, ooh!

Whoa. Aah! Hey!

Whoa-oh!

Extra, extra!

Greatest operaof all time sucks!

I'll take eight.

( footsteps echoing )

LEELA:Please don't stop playing, Fry.

I want to hear how it ends.

( playing simple melody )

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBHaccess.wgbh.org

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