Lounge Lizards: Mary Ellen Hooper

  • Season 1, Ep 0105
  • 04/10/2002

>> Yeah, you all owe me a

dollar.

( laughter )

Oh, my God.

I'm thinking home starching's

not a good idea.

Man, one Jetson joke I'm out of

here, all right?

It took me, like, an hour and a

half to get dressed.

I was getting annoyed at myself.

I was standing at the door

going, "Could I hurry?"

I should just throw away that

stupid makeup mirror.

See, now, girls know what I'm

talking about.

I bought this makeup mirror.

I saw it in the store.

This little mirror had all these

lights around it.

( squeaks )

My ovaries jumped out and bought

it.

( laughter )

It's girl stuff.

I have to have it.

But I got it home and the mirror

flips around, and they put a

magnifying mirror.

( laughter )

That's cruel.

I'm staring at my pores times 12

thinking, "I need spackle."

Man, they should warn a girl.

You know, write on it, "Objects

may appear uglier than they

actually are."

I'm not kidding.

I had a little zit.

It looked like a brain tumor.

And my boyfriend was coming

over, and this was back when I

cared.

( laughter )

Things changed a little.

He comes over now, I have my

whole hand scratching my butt,

"Hey."

( laughter )

"Pull my finger."

( laughter )

But, you know, back then I

wanted to impress him, you know?

So I had to cover up this huge

zit before it, you know, was

birthed.

And I didn't know how to cover

it, so I thought if I take my

eyebrow pencil-- you know, the

one you color in your eyebrows

after you pluck them all out.

I colored them in too high once.

I looked shocked at everything I

saw.

( laughter )

I'm not surprised.

I'm pretty.

Anyway I took my eyebrow pencil.

I figure if I color a black dot

on top of the zit it'll look

like a beauty mark.

It didn't.

It looked like I had a tick

sucking on my face.

( laughter )

Which wasn't the look I was

going for.

And my boyfriend jumped on me

with a cigarette-- "I got it."

( laughter )

you guys.

Everything I know about makeup I

learned from my Barbie head.

I know how to wear blue eye

shadow and look like a ho.

( laughter )

Remember Barbie heads?

The girls do.

They guys are like, "Barbie's

giving head now?"

( laughter )

( cheers and applause )

"I've got to go shopping."

No, it's a Barbie head, right?

Girls, you'd brush her hair and

her head would fall over.

That was fun.

I used to put her neck between

my knees to hold it up.

Did you do that when you brushed

the hair?

Which worked, but man, it really

scared my mom when she walked in

the bedroom.

( laughter )

She said, "Turn the face out."

( laughter )

I got really good, though, at

doing her hair, so I thought

that would be the coolest job

ever, you know?

So I went to beauty school to

become a hairdresser.

Man, it's a lot different

working on real people.

( laughter )

"Hold still, lady."

( laughter )

( cheers and applause )

She was screaming.

( muffled sounds )

Because I forgot to turn her

face out.

( laughter )

"Stop, that tickles."

( laughter )

"No charge."

( laughter )

"See you next month."

That's a hard job, though, being

a hairdresser.

I don't know if anyone is here,

but man... are you really?

Isn't it hard?

Because, like, people will bring

you pictures of what they want

to look like.

( laughter )

You know, and you're thinking to

yourself, "It's a comb, not a

wand."

( laughter )

This woman walks in with, like,

a half an inch of hair on her

head, you know?

"I want something windblown,

something different."

( blows )

"30 bucks."

( laughter )

It's so hard, isn't it?

The worst thing for me, though,

is the hairy neck guys.

They don't know what we have to

do.

See, when guys get their hair

cut you have to shave the back

of their necks, you know,

because they grow this, like,

fur collar.

( laughter )

You know, how far down should

you shave?

( laughter )

It's not really polite to go,

"Where's the line, Sasquatch?"

( laughter )

You try to be diplomatic.

"So, do you usually wear tank

tops or turtlenecks?"

( laughter )

This one guy was so hairy, I'm

shaving and shaving.

The only reason I knew where to

stop is all of a sudden I saw

the crack of his ass.

( cheers and applause )

>> Lounge L

>> I've actually almost dated my

boyfriend a year, you guys.

Isn't that cool?

Yeah, he's a little younger than

me.

You think that's all right?

He's 12.

( laughter )

I'm kidding, you know.

He's, like, 14.

No, he's... but you know what?

It's so nice now, because we can

just be ourselves.

Because back then, man, oh, man.

I did the really frou-frou

thing.

I just was... our first date, we

go hiking.

He's that type.

I don't like it.

I tried, though.

He's like, "Come on.

Let's go hiking up that hill.

Whoo!"

"Why?

Is there a mall up there?"

( laughter )

But I tried.

He ruined it for himself,

because I was being a good

sport, walking, and he did the

I'm-a-fake-spider thing up my

back.

You know, he took his fingers

and he goes... and I went...

( screams )

"Got him."

( laughter )

I broke his nose.

I didn't mean to, but, you know,

I was frightened and dainty.

( laughter )

He was laying there bleeding all

over.

I didn't know what to do, you

know?

Such a survivalist.

I'm in the middle of the woods,

going through my purse, looking

for something to stop the flow

of blood.

( laughter )

Don't get ahead of me.

( laughter )

He would have never known,

except the little string hanging

out, you know?

( laughter )

( cheers and applause )

"This better not be what I think

it is."

"Sorry, honey, I'm out of

wings."

( laughter )

And he couldn't get it out, you

know, because, you know, you use

those, they swell up.

( laughter )

He's going, "Get over here."

I'm looking for the camera.

This is a Kodak moment.

I have a great shot of him, too.

It's so funny.

"Honey, look.

Remember when you had toxic

shock syndrome?"

( laughter )

>> You know what?

I really love to shop, but I

hate dressing rooms.

Would you girls agree with that?

I went into one store and there

was no doors.

Isn't that gross?

In the dressing room.

You're standing in there with a

bunch of naked strangers-- ew.

( laughter )

I know, you guys are going,

"Ooh!"

It's not sexy like in the

movies, like they make a

picture, you know, like, all the

girls are in there going...

( laughter )

"Oh, let me zip you up,

Tiffany."

( laughter )

Uh-uh.

A real dressing room is a bunch

of women trying on stuff way too

small for them.

( laughter )

"How can I zip these up?

There's no bed to lay on."

( laughter )

"I'm a size four."

"You're a four-by-four.

Put that back."

( laughter )

There's all these mirrors, you

know?

It's like a horror house of fat

asses.

( laughter )

I hate it.

I hate trying on bras,

because... well, yeah.

( laughter )

That's not the joke, all right?

It's so embarrassing, because

you go in there and you want to

try them on in private, you

know?

Whatever your misery is you want

to be in there alone.

Too big, too little, three,

whatever.

( laughter )

I went in there, and the girl

that works there pops here head

in, "Hi.

How's that bra look?"

( laughter )

"Looks like it did on the

hanger."

( laughter )

"Just wanted to see what my head

would look like on it."

She goes, "Oh, wait.

I've got just what you need."

"You sell breasts?

Hey, bring me three in case I

get a flat."

( laughter )

She goes, "No, I've got the

Wonderbra."

"Wonder what I'm going to put in

it."

It's got wires in it.

Come on.

The wires are supposed to take

everything you do have and just

shove it up to the top for

viewing.

I've got my butt in it now.

( laughter )

I wish I could.

I have a really nice cleavage

back here, you guys.

I'm just sitting on it.

I love my photo album.

He found a photo of me when I

was a little cheerleader in high

school.

Were you a cheerleader too,

girl?

( laughter )

Hello?

This isn't TV.

I'm talking right to you.

"What else is on?"

( laughter )

I was.

I was a little cheerleader.

Cheerleaders for high school,

that was fun, wasn't it?

No, I wanted to be a cheerleader

because I thought it would be so

cute and dainty.

I'll show you my little cheer.

Because I wanted to be real

dainty and feminist... feminine.

( laughter )

Oh, like you never mess up at

your job?

( laughter )

Feminine.

Feminist cheerleader.

That's a whole nother ball game,

isn't it?

"Go, go, go, get me the ball!"

( laughter )

No, feminine.

Watch how cute we were.

We used to all line, up, right,

hands on your hips-- right

cheerleaders?-- clear you head

of any thought.

( laughter )

Watch how cute.

Gators, ready?

Okay!

Eat 'em up, Gators, eat 'em up!

Eat 'em up, Gators, eat 'em up!

( cheers and applause )

I know you should just accept

your body, right, girls?

That's what the girls say to

that.

Because, you know, there's even

makeup tricks to make your boobs

look bigger.

Can you imagine?

Like I want to date the idiot

that fools.

( laughter )

"No, they're breasts.

Oh, it's raining.

There they go."

( laughter )

Makeup tricks.

You hear how that works?

You're supposed to take blush

you use on your cheek and create

the illusion of a cleavage.

A little shadowing.

( laughter )

A black marker.

Look at that.

Don't fall in.

( laughter )

It's so stupid.

I should just write, "Cleavage."

( laughter )

My boyfriend makes fun of me.

"Why do you wear a bra?

What a waste of material."

"Hey, you wear underwear."

( laughter )

( cheers and applause )

It's so funny to hear just the

girls laugh.

The guys are going, "Ha... hey!"

I know.

It's so hard, though, trying on

those bras.

That's not the worst thing.

Oh, back to the whole bathing

suit thing.

That's the worst thing to try

on, am I right?

>> MAN IN AUDIENCE: Yeah.

>> The guys, "Yeah."

I imagine it would be for you,

sir.

( laughter )

And you leave on your underwear,

you know, which... whoo-hoo.

String bikini on top of

bloomers.

That's how I'm wearing it.

( laughter )

Just hold the guys back.

( laughter )

And I'm trying to see what the

thing is going to look like, you

know?

I'm trying to tuck in my

underwear, you know, under

the... and it looked like I was

going to be a boy.

( laughter )

I'm thinking, "He's going to be

jealous.

Look at that."

( laughter )

Guys don't like girls with

bigger winkies, trust me.

( laughter )

So I got a one-piece, because I

thought it would cover up a lot

more.

But they cut them up to your

dang eyebrows.

You know what I mean?

They're like, you know, "Hello."

You know, and you want to wear

one of those, you know, you have

to...

( laughter )

...do a little yard work.

( laughter )

Look, I'm just trying to tell

you girls, because, you know,

nobody told me.

( laughter )

Man, that was a bad hair day.

>> We'll be back with more

>> Hair removal is such a

problem for us.

You know, we have to shave

everything.

Is that fair?

Our legs, our pits, our

tarantula.

( laughter )

We have to shave our armpits.

Whose idea was that?

That's a concave area with a

straight razor.

Could we invent something?

Because the best I can do is a

mohawk.

( laughter )

You can't see under there.

You just...

( laughter )

"Oh, blood.

I should stop."

( laughter )

And our whole legs.

I mean, we shave from our toe

to... our other toe.

I'm a shower shaver, you girls.

That way the blood goes right

down the drain.

Because guys shave, what, from

here to here, right?

Can't even do that without

cutting yourself.

Let's throw a little genital in

there.

( laughter )

I want to see a guy in the

shower with his leg wrapped

around his neck.

( laughter )

Wouldn't be banging on the door

so loud then, would they?

"What are you doing in there?"

"You don't want to know.

You come in here, I'm going to

do it to you."

( laughter )

It's horrible.

And can you tell me where the

breeze comes from in the shower?

It's a hot, steamy shower.

You pick up a razor...

And you can't shave around a

goose bump.

I was lopping them off.

"Be right out."

What a smooth shave this is

going to be.

Oh, wait, look.

Red bumps are popping up.

Hey!

♪ I feel pretty.

( laughter )

Nobody's coming near.

"Honey, it's razor rash.

Come back."

( laughter )

He's like, "Not without a note."

( laughter )

How do you cover that?

I just figured if I run into the

ocean waist deep nobody could

see, you know?

( laughter )

"Who put salt in here?"

( cheers and applause )

Now there are two people who can

walk on water.

( laughter )

That is so... hair removal is

such a problem for us, isn't it?

And you know what happened one

time?

This is recently.

My boyfriend walked in the

shower and caught me, you

know... Tarantula-be-Gone.

( laughter )

And he didn't know what I was

doing, and he got really

concerned, you know, because

that little area he's very

concerned with.

Yeah, he walked in, and he goes,

"Hey!

What are you doing?"

I go, "Honey, no, don't worry.

I'm just... you know, shaving a

little bit.

No big deal.

Bathing suit."

And he's like...

"Hey, well, while you're at

it..."

"What?"

He goes, "Why don't you, you

know, shave it into a little

shape for me?"

( laughter )

"Because it's not a topiary

garden."

( laughter )

"What would you like, a barnyard

animal?"

( laughter )

"I'll tell you what, you twist

your peepee into a poodle, we'll

talk."

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