Jimmy Tingle & Susan Norfleet

  • 02/24/1992

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

YOU'RE DELIGHTFUL.

ALREADY I CAN TELL.

( laughter )

YOU KNOW-- OH, LOVELY.

TWO LOVELY LADIES SITTING THERE.

LOOK AT YOU, VERY JACKIE O.

MAKING A BIG JACKIE O. STATEMENTIN A LITTLE WHITE SUIT.

YOU KNOW.

I JUST HAD MY NAILS DONE,THEY'RE DRYING

SO GIVE ME A MINUTE.

I'M CONCENTRATINGWHILE THEY'RE DRYING

SO DON'T INTERRUPT ME.

SO WHAT'S HAPPENING?

I KNOW YOU'RE ALLTH-TH-THRILLED TO BE HERE.

I COULDN'T GET IT OUT.

COULDN'T COMMIT TO IT.

YOU KNOW, I HAVE THATPROBLEM-- COMMITTING.

WE ALL DO, THOUGH.

THAT'S THE WAY IT IS THESE DAYS.

( laughter )

NO, I DON'T GIVE A DAMNABOUT A.A.

DON'T START WITH ME ABOUT THIS.

WHAT ABOUT THE PEOPLEWHO NEVER DRANK?

WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO?

DO WE GET ANY AWARDS?

( laughter )

NOBODY'S PATTING US ON THE BACK,LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

HERE ON COMEDY CENTRAL

WHERE I'VE ALWAYS BELONGED.

( laughter )

BECAUSE COMEDY IS MY LIFE,I LOVE COMEDY.

IT'S SO ORIGINAL, SO FRESH.

( scattered laughter )

NO, IT REALLY IS.

LOOK AT YOU KIDS.

YOU'RE ALL SOWELL BEHAVED, SUMMERY.

SO DRINK UP THOSE BEERS AND...

WHAT DID YOU JUST PICKOUT OF YOUR BEER, DARLING?

A HAIR? A BUG?

A BUG, OUT OF YOUR BEER?

CLASSY PLACE.

( laughter )

THEY HAD TO GO OUT ON THE STREET

TO GET ME A MARTINIAROUND HERE OBVIOUSLY.

YEAH, YOU KNOW, YOU UNDERSTAND.

YOU'RE DIGGINGWHERE I'M COMING FROM.

( scattered laughter )

THANK YOU VERY MUCH,LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

IT'S NICE TO BE HERE TONIGHT.

MY NAME IS JIMMY TINGLE

AND I'M FROM BOSTON,MASSACHUSETTS, ORIGINALLY.

THANK YOU.

I WAS READING RECENTLY

THAT CONGRESS IS GOINGTO START PAYING

THEIR OWN PARKING TICKETS.

WHAT NOBLE PUBLIC SERVANTS.

IMAGINE THE COMMITMENTOF THESE PEOPLE

PAYING THEIROWN PARKING TICKETS.

HEY FELLAS, YOU WANTTO IMPRESS US?

PAY OUR PARKING TICKETS.

LET ME EXPLAIN SOMETHING, FOLKS.

I DON'T MIND PUTTING A QUARTERIN A PARKING METER

AND ESSENTIALLY RENTING OUT THEPIECE OF LAND FOR 15 MINUTES.

WHAT GETS ME IS IF YOU'RELIKE FOUR MINUTES LATE

YOU GET A TICKET FOR LIKE $20.

HEY FELLAS, GIVE MEA TICKET FOR A QUARTER.

I'LL GLADLY PAY A TICKETFOR A QUARTER.

WHERE DO YOU GET $20?

IN THE COURSE OF FOUR MINUTESSOMEBODY RAISED THE RENT 8,000%.

( laughter )

IT'S NOT RIGHT, IT'S NOT FAIR.

IT DOESN'T HAPPENIN OTHER AREAS OF LIFE.

IF YOUR RENT IS $500 A MONTHAND YOU'RE ONE DAY LATE

YOU DON'T GET A BILLFOR $4 MILLION.

AND IF YOU COMPLAINTO THE CITY OFFICIALS

THEY GET MAD AT YOU, LIKE YOU DID SOMETHING WRONG.

"LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING,MR. COMEDIAN

"THE CITY NEEDS THE MONEYFROM THE PARKING TICKETS

"TO PAY FORTHE POLICE DEPARTMENT

THE FIRE DEPARTMENT,THE SCHOOL DEPARTMENT."

I'M GOING, "WAIT A SECOND.

"YOU NEED THE MONEYFROM THE PARKING TICKETS

TO PAY FOR THE SCHOOLS?"

I DON'T UNDERSTANDTHIS RELATIONSHIP AT ALL.

WHY IS THE QUALITY OF A CHILD'SEDUCATION BEING INFLUENCED

BY HIS PARENTS'INABILITY TO PARK?

"DAD, DAD, THE SCHOOLNEEDS A COMPUTER."

"OH, DON'T WORRY.

I'LL LEAVE THE CARIN FRONT OF THE HYDRANT."

( laughter and smattering of applause )

CRIME AND PUNISHMENT--I DON'T GET IT.

THE BUSH ADMINISTRATION REFUSES

TO ALLOW THE HAITIANSINTO THIS COUNTRY.

THEY SAY THEY'RE COMING HERE

FOR ECONOMIC REASONS,NOT POLITICAL REASONS.

OH, YEAH, ECONOMIC REASONS.

85 PEOPLE ARE GETTINGIN A ROWBOAT

ROWING ACROSS THE ATLANTIC OCEAN

FLEEING A MILITARY COUPIN HAITI--

YEAH, THEY'RE JOB HUNTING.

( laughter )

THEY HAVE RESUMESUNDER THEIR SEATS.

YEAH.

"WE HEARD THERE WASA MALL OUT HERE."

( laughter )

I DON'T GET IT.

IN 1981 JOHN HINCKLEY,MENTAL PATIENT

WALKS INTO A PAWN SHOP,BUYS A GUN

SHOOTS PRESIDENT REAGANON NATIONAL TELEVISION--

THEY FIND HIM NOT GUILTYBY REASON OF INSANITY.

NOW, HE'S OBVIOUSLY INSANE,HE SHOT THE PRESIDENT

BUT NOT GUILTY?

I SAW HIM DO IT.

IT WAS ON CHANNEL 4.

HOW MUCH PROOF DO YOU NEED?

FIVE YEARS LATER OLIVER NORTHSITS IN FRONT OF THE WORLD--

"OKAY, MR. NORTH, LET'S GOTHROUGH IT ONE MORE TIME.

NOW, YOU LIED TO THE IRANIANS,DID YOU NOT?"

"YES, I DID."

"YOU LIED TO GENERAL SECORD,DID YOU NOT?"

"YES, I DID."

"YOU LIED TO THE CONGRESS,IS THAT TRUE?"

"YES, IT IS."

"OKAY NOW, ARE YOU LYINGTO THIS COMMITTEE?"

"NO WAY."

( laughter )

THEY EVENTUALLYFIND HIM NOT GUILTY.

RODNEY KING GETS HIT56 TIMES IN 81 SECONDS

ON NATIONAL TELEVISION--

THEY FIND THE FOURPOLICE OFFICERS NOT GUILTY.

I THINK THE MESSAGE IS

IF YOU WANT TO COMMIT A CRIMEAND GET AWAY WITH IT

FILM IT.

( laughter and applause )

"YOUR HONOR, YOU CAN'T USETHIS EVIDENCE AGAINST ME--

"IT PROVES MY GUILT.

"HERE I AM RUNNING FROMTHE BANK WITH THE MONEY.

( laughter )

"WE'LL HAVE TO MOVETHIS TRIAL TO ANOTHER COUNTY

"WHERE THEY DON'T HAVE EYES

"TO ANOTHER COUNTRY WHERETHERE ARE NO TELEVISION SETS.

"WE MUST MAKE EVERYEFFORT TO PROVE

THAT MY ACTIONS WILL NOTBE USED AGAINST ME."

( laughter )

PRESIDENT BUSH SAYS IT'S GOINGTO TAKE SOME RADICAL NEW IDEAS

TO SOLVE THE PROBLEMS OFTHE INNER CITIES IN THIS COUNTRY

AND THEN HE CAME UPWITH THE PROPOSAL

OF CUTTING THE CAPITAL GAINS TAX

CREATING ENTERPRISE ZONES.

FINALLY A LEADER WITH HIS FINGERON THE PULSE

OF THE ANGER OF THE INNER CITY.

THAT'S WHAT THE PEOPLEARE ALL UPSET ABOUT

RIOTING IN THE STREETS--

"CUT THE CAPITAL GAINS TAX NOW!"

( laughter )

"CUT THE CAPITAL GAINS TAX NOW!

THESE BUSINESSES ARE PAYINGTOO MUCH IN TAXES!"

QUAYLE TRIED TO BLAMEFAMILY VALUES

FOR THE DISTURBANCEIN LOS ANGELES.

WHAT HAS THE BUSHADMINISTRATION DONE

TO PROMOTE THE AMERICAN FAMILYIN THE LAST FEW YEARS?

I MEAN, PRESIDENT BUSHHAS VETOED LIKE 26 BILLS.

REAGAN WAS "JUST SAY NO" TOILLEGAL DRUGS-- REMEMBER THAT?

"IS THAT OUR GOOD FRIENDGENERAL NORIEGA

BRINGING 30 MILLION TONSOF COCAINE INTO OUR COUNTRY?"

"UH... NO."

( laughter )

BUSH SEEMS TO BE "JUST SAY NO"

TO ANY KINDOF SOCIAL PAIN RELIEF.

THE MAN'S VETOEDLIKE 26 BILLS, YOU KNOW?

-- UNEMPLOYMENT COMPENSATION.-- NO.

-- CIVIL RIGHTS LEGISLATION.-- NO.

-- FAMILY CAREAND MEDICAL LEAVE.-- NO.

-- ABORTION COUNSELING FORPREGNANT TEENAGERS ON WELFARE.-- NO.

-- GUN CONTROL.-- NO.

-- CAMPAIGN FINANCE REFORM.-- NO.

A BILLION DOLLARS A DAY TO MOVE500,000 AMERICANS 8,000 MILES

FIGHT A WAR, RESTORETHE EMIR OF KUWAIT TO POWER

MAINTAIN OUR DEPENDENCYON FOREIGN OIL

WHILE PEOPLE IN LOUISIANA ARESO DESPERATELY OUT OF WORK

THEY'RE VOTING FOR IDIOTSLIKE DAVID DUKE.

YES.

( applause and cheering )

AND THEY TOLD US, FOLKS,THAT WE HAD TO GO TO WAR IN IRAQ

TO PROTECT OUR LIFESTYLESAND OUR WAY OF LIFE.

AND I STARTED THINKING,WHAT ARE OUR LIFESTYLES, FOLKS

AND WHAT IS OUR WAY OF LIFE?

I WAS WATCHING THESE PEOPLEIN IRAQ

AND THEY WERE CARRYING AROUNDTHESE BIG BILLBOARDS, RIGHT

OF SADDAM HUSSEIN'S PICTURE

AND I FELT SORRYFOR THOSE PEOPLE

THAT THEY HAVE TO WORSHIPSADDAM HUSSEIN.

I STARTED THINKING, WELL,WHAT DO OUR BILLBOARDS SAY?

WHAT DO WE WORSHIP?

CAMEL JOE.

( laughter )

ALSO KNOWN AS SCROTUM FACE.

( laughter )

SPUDS MacKENZIE.

LEE IACOCCA.

PLAY THE LOTTERY

WIN A MILLION DOLLARS,GET A BIG CAR

AND EVENTUALLY YOU'LL HAVE SEX.

THAT'S WHAT THEY'RETELLING US, FOLKS--

SMOKE, DRINK, DRIVE, GAMBLE,AND EVENTUALLY YOU'LL FIND LOVE.

I FEEL SORRY FOR THESE PEOPLEWHO GO THROUGH THEIR WHOLE LIFE

BELIEVING IN THESE BILLBOARD GODS.

I PICTURE SOME 65-YEAR-OLDCOMPULSIVE GAMBLER ALCOHOLIC

WITH LUNG CANCERWALKING AROUND A NURSING HOME

WITH HIS ASSHANGING OUT OF HIS JOHNNY--

"WHERE ARE THE GIRLS?"

( laughter )

"WHERE ARE THE GIRLS?

"I FOLLOWED ALL THE DIRECTIONS.

"WHERE ARE THE GIRLS?!

"I DRANK JOHNNY WALKEREVERY DAY FOR 37 YEARS.

"NOW I'M IN A JOHNNYAND A WALKER.

WHERE ARE THE GIRLS?"

I MEAN, THEY SELL US PRESIDENTS

THEY SELL US PEPSI-COLA,THEY SELL US WARS.

HOW ABOUT A LITTLE REALITYIN ADVERTISING?

NOTHING IS EVER GOING TO CHANGE

UNTIL WE KNOW THE TRUTHOF CERTAIN SITUATIONS.

JUST A LITTLE BIT OF TRUTH.

I RECENTLY SAW A BILLBOARDTHAT SAID

"IF YOU SMOKE,PLEASE TRY THESE."

RIGHT UNDER IT,HUGE WARNING LABEL:

"WARNING: SURGEON GENERALHAS DETERMINED SMOKINGCAUSES LUNG CANCER."

HOWEVER...

IF YOU SMOKE

PLEASE TRY THESE.

THAT'S KIND OF AN INSANE MESSAGE

WHEN YOU CONSIDERCIGARETTES KILL

MORE THAN A THOUSAND PEOPLEA DAY IN THIS COUNTRY

WAY MORE THAN SADDAM HUSSEIN.

I MEAN, COULD YOU IMAGINEA BILLBOARD THAT SAID

"IF YOU'RE GOING TO JUMPIN FRONT OF THE TRAIN..."

( expectant laughter )

"SHOULDN'T YOU BEWEARING REEBOKS?"

( laughter and applause )

JUST A LITTLE BIT OF TRUTH.

FOR ONCE I'D LIKE TO GOINTO A SUPERMARKET

AND BUY ONE OF THOSEBIG BAGS OF POTATO CHIPS--

YOU KNOW THOSE BIG BAGSOF POTATO CHIPS?

YOU KNOW THOSE BIG BAGS?--

AND SEE A WARNING LABEL:

"WARNING: HALF OF THIS IS AIR."

( laughter )

IS THAT A LOT TO ASK?

THEN WE COULD WORK OUR WAYUP TO THE LEADERS.

"NO NEW TAXES."

"HALF OF THIS IS AIR."

ENJOY THE RESTOF THE SHOW, FOLKS.

( cheering )

THANK YOU.

( cheering and whistling )

HELLO.

I ALWAYS ASK FOR THE ENEMA JOKERIGHT BEFORE I COME OUT.

( laughter )

THANK YOU.

HI.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

THEY SAID DRESS.

( applause )

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU.

GOOD NIGHT, EVERYONE, THANK YOU.

NO, WELL, YOU KNOW,I BOUGHT THIS

THINKING HOT COUNTRY NIGHTSWAS GOING TO STAY ON THE AIR.

( scattered laughter )

BOY, WAS I WRONG.

THANK GOD FOR THIS SHOW.

THANK GOD FOR THE MAKEUPPERSON THERE TOO.

I DON'T DO MAKEUP AT ALL.

I DON'T EVEN BUY MAKEUP.

YOU KNOW, I STOPPEDBUYING MAKEUP

WHEN I WANDERED INTOA DEPARTMENT STORE RECENTLY

AND NOTICED THATTHE MAKEUP SALES LADIES

ARE STARTING TO DRESSLIKE RESEARCH SCIENTISTS.

( scattered laughter )

YOU'VE NOTICED THIS TOO?

THEY'RE BACK THERE

WITH SLIDE RULESAND COMPUTERIZED SKIN CHARTS

AND YOU KNOW THEY PROBABLYDIDN'T FINISH HIGH SCHOOL.

( laughter )

BUT THEY'RE WEARING LAB COATS.

THEY CAN INTIMIDATE YOUWITH THOSE LAB COATS ON.

THIS WOMAN MADE ME LOOK ATMY FACE IN A MAGNIFYING MIRROR

UNDER FLUORESCENT LIGHTING.

( laughter )

THIS IS NOT A FAIR BEAUTY TEST.

I LOOKED AT MY FACE,HONEST TO GOD, I THOUGHT

THIS LOOKS LIKE SOMETHING I SAWON NOV A FEW MONTHS AGO.

( laughter )

SHE WAS SO CONDESCENDING.

SHE SAID,"IT'S ALL RIGHT, HONEY.

"I THINK I CAN HELP YOU.

( laughter )

"ALL YOU NEED ARETHESE THREE THINGS.

"JUST THESE THREE THINGS.

AND THESE FIVE THINGS--THESE EIGHT THINGS."

( laughter )

"JUST THESE EIGHT THINGS.

"AND THESE FOUR THINGS--THESE 12 THINGS.

"THAT'S IT, JUST 12 THINGS.

"JUST 12... SIX--THESE 18 THINGS

"IS REALLY ALL YOU NEED

"AND THESE FOUR--THESE 22 THINGS.

"PACKAGE OF 22.

AND THIS."

I SAID, "WHAT IS THIS?"

SHE SAID, "THAT ISEXFOLIATING LOTION.

YOU HAVE A PROBLEMWITH DULL SKIN."

I FELT SO STUPID.

ALL THESE YEARS I'VE BEENWORKING ON MY PERSONALITY

AND APPARENTLYIT'S MY SKIN THAT'S DULL.

( laughter and applause )

I FINALLY JUST LOOKED AT HER,I SAID

"LOOK, I'M GOING TO BEREALLY HONEST WITH YOU.

MY FACE DOES NOT LOOK THIS BADIN MY MIRROR AT HOME."

SHE PERKED RIGHT UP.

"OH, WELL, THENYOU'LL NEED THIS MIRROR."

( laughter )

NO, MAKEUP ISAN INSIDIOUS THING.

I HAVE A FRIEND THAT'S A NURSEAND SHE SAID

SOMETIMES WOMEN WILL PUT ONA FULL FACE OF MAKEUP

BEFORE THEY GO UNDERFOR AN OPERATION.

NOW, THIS DOESN'TSEEM RIGHT TO ME.

NO, MY MOTHER TOLD ME

ONLY TWO THINGS, REALLY, TOREMEMBER WHEN I WAS GROWING UP--

ONE, DON'T SMOKE ON THE STREET,THAT DOESN'T LOOK GOOD

AND TWO, WHEN UNCONSCIOUSIN A ROOM FULL OF STRANGERS

TRY NOT TO LOOK TOO ATTRACTIVE.

( laughter )

NO, ATTRACTIVENESS IS IMPORTANT.

THEY WOULDN'T LET MEWEAR MY GLASSES.

WELL, ACTUALLY, I'M KINDOF WEIRD ABOUT MY GLASSES

BECAUSE MY MOTHER TOLD MEI LOOK BOOKISH.

WE'RE FROM THE SOUTHAND APPARENTLY IF YOU'RE A WOMAN

YOU SHOULDN'T LOOK LIKEYOU CAN READ.

BUT, UM...NO, I MADE THE MISTAKE

I WENT TO THE "GLASSES INABOUT AN HOUR"-- WHAT'S IT?

LENSCRAFTERS, YEAH.

AND I GOT MY GLASSESIN ABOUT AN HOUR.

THEY WERE-- NO, THEY WEREALMOST THE RIGHT PRESCRIPTION.

I CAN SORT OF SEE OUT OF THEM.

"OKAY, HERE'S MY CHECK,THERE YOU GO.

"IT MIGHT BE GOOD.

IN ABOUT A MONTH."

( laughter )

NO, SERIOUSLY,THEY'RE LESS EXPENSIVE THERE

AND I THINK WHENIT COMES TO SOMETHING

AS UNIMPORTANT AS YOUR EYESIGHT

WHAT YOU REALLY DO WANTIS A PRODUCT

THAT'S MADE AS QUICKLYAND CHEAPLY AS POSSIBLE.

( laughter )

NO, REALLY, CONVENIENCE IS THEIMPORTANT THING IN HEALTH CARE.

( laughter )

NO, I KNOW THIS IS TRUE

BECAUSE I WAS IN THE MALLSHOPPING THE OTHER DAY

AND I STARTED HAVINGHEART PALPITATIONS.

LUCKILY THERE WASA VALVECRAFTERS RIGHT THERE.

( laughter and applause )

GOT THAT TRIPLE BYPASSIN ABOUT AN HOUR.

( laughter )

HAS YOUR LIFE CHANGEDSINCE THE RIOTS?

ARE YOU A LITTLE MORE AFRAID?

I NEVER THOUGHTI WOULD EVER HAVE A GUN

AND PEOPLE KEPT SAYING

"YOU SHOULD GET A GUNBECAUSE YOU LIVE BY YOURSELF"

AND I JUST CAN'T, GUNS BOTHER ME

BUT I GOT MYSELFA SALAD SHOOTER AND...

( laughter )

HEY, DO NOT UNDERESTIMATETHE DESTRUCTIVE POWERS

OF A CARROT SHARD TRAVELING120 MILES AN HOUR.

BUT I HAVE IT IN THE HOUSE,I FEEL SO MUCH SAFER.

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN ONE?

IT'S A PRODUCTAPPARENTLY CREATED

FOR PEOPLE WHO THINKMOVING THE CELERY

FROM THE CUTTING BOARD TOTHE BOWL IS A LITTLE TOO TAXING.

( laughter )

( sighs )

( laughter )

"OH, NOW I'M WORN OUT.

"IF ONLY I COULD SOMEHOW

"PROJECTILE THE VEGETABLESINTO THE BOWL...

( laughter )

I THINK THAT MIGHTMAKE MY LIFE EASIER."

IT LOOKS LIKE SO MANY PEOPLEARE COUPLED UP HERE TONIGHT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'VE LEARNED?

I DON'T KNOW HOW MANYOF YOU ARE TRYING

TO GET OUT OF A HELLISHRELATIONSHIP RIGHT NOW...

SOME OF YOU ARE TRYINGTO GET INTO ONE...

( laughter )

DON'T KID YOURSELF,THOSE ARE THE OPTIONS.

( laughter )

HERE'S A LITTLE TIP FOR YOU.

IF YOU EVER GO OUT WITH SOMEONEWHO SAYS THIS TO YOU:

"I KNOW WE JUST MET BUT I FEELI CAN REALLY OPEN UP TO YOU"

WHAT THIS REALLY MEANS IS

"I AM A WHIRLWIND OF DYSFUNCTION

AND YOU WILL BEMY EMOTIONAL PACK MULE."

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

( cheering and whistling )

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