Monday, July 28, 2014

  • 07/28/2014

Nikki Glaser, Phil Hanley and Joe DeRosa find out who posted a disturbing leg selfie on Facebook, list #DogMovies and judge the @midnight Vinetern semifinalists.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

>> Chris: COMIC-CONINTERNATIONAL IN SAN DIEGO

HAPPENED, IT WAS AMAZING.

I WAS ALL OVER IT AND HAD ANINCREDIBLE TIME.

LOTS OF STUFF FROM THIS WEEKENDMADE IT ON THE WAY TO THE

INTERNET.

SESAME STREET HAS AN ANNIVERSARYPANEL, THAT IS ME DOING A SELFIE

WITH GROVER.

>> THE AVENGERS ASSEMBELED,WHERE IRON MAN GAVE THANOS A

PURPLE ROSE, WHICH MEANT THAT HEDID NOT GET KICKED OFF GALACTIC

BACHELOR THAT DAY.

THEN BATMAN, SUPERMAN AND WONDERWOMAN SAT NEXT TO EACH OTHER

SOME ASSHOLE DRESSED LIKE MARTYMCFLY JUMPED UP AND TOOK A

SELFIE.

>> AND THEN HERE AGAIN ISMARTY MCFLY GETTING A

NOOGIE FROM FAMED BULLY BENEDICTCUMBERBATCH.

>> HE MADE ME HIS CUMBERBITCH.

>> OR A BENEDICK, I'M NOT SUREIF YOU'RE A DUDE.

BUT ACTUALLY, EVERYONE ISTALKING ABOUT THE EXCLUSIVE

TRAILERS THAT HAVE SINCEOFFICIALLY BEEN RELEASED ON

YOUTUBE.

LIKE THE SIMPSONS/FAMILY GUYCROSSOVER, THE HUNGER GAMES,

MOCKINGJAY PART ONE AND THE NEWMAD MAX REBOOT.

LET'S TAKE A LOOK[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> MEL GIBSON IS NOT IN THISONE, BUT ISN'T IT CRAZY THAT MEL

GIBSON ACTUALLY TURNED INTO MADMAX?

COMEDIANS WHAT IS SOMETHING THATDID NOT PREMIERE AT COMIC-CON

THIS YEAR THAT YOU WISHED DID? NIKKI GLASER?

>> DEODORANT.

>> Chris: NICE. I'LL GIVE YOUPOINTS FOR THAT. JOE.

>> THE EXPENDABLES VERSUS THEVIEW, I WANTED TO SEE THAT

HAPPEN.

THESE ARE TWO GROUPS OF PEOPLETHAT NEED TO BE STOPPED.

>> ALL RIGHT, POINTS. I WILLGIVE YOU POINTS.

>> THIS PICTURE GOT POST TOFACEBOOK OVER THE WEEKEND AND

PEOPLE EVERYWHERE WERE JUSTRELIEVED IT WASN'T ENOUGH JUST

ANOTHER PICTURE OF THEIRFRIEND'S KID DRESSED AS FROZEN

CHARACTERS.

WHAT WAS THIS? IT IS HARD TOLOOK AT.

>> IT IS REALLY HARD TO LOOK AT.

>> IT'S NOT UNPLEASANT.

>> Chris: WHAT IS THIS A PHOTOOF? IS IT A, A COMIC-CON THAT

WAITED EIGHT HOURS IN THE HEATTO SEE THE MOCKING JAY TRAILER.

IS IT B, A TOUR DE FRANCE BIKERIDER AFTER THE 145KM 18TH

STAGE.

>> OR C, A SEXY SELFISH FROM THEMS. JUGGALET 2014 CONTEST.

>> NIKKI?>> B, THE FRENCH THING.

>> YEAH, LET'S FIND OUT. IT ISIN FACT B, THE FRENCH THING.

>> THOSE ARE THE VEINY LEGS OFPOLISH RIDER, BARTOSZ HUZARSKI,

IF YOU DON'T STILL THINK A BIKERACE IS GRUELING, TAKE A LOOK AT

THEIR BATHROOM BREAKS.

HERE IS WHERE YOU WANT YOUR EYEWEE!

>> OH! I WOULD NOT BE SURPRISEDTHAT LATER THAT GRASS HAS A

POSITIVE FOR PERFORMANCE-ENHANCING DRUGS.

IT'S NOW TIME FOR TONIGHT'SHASHTAG WARS!

IF YOU'RE WONDERING WHY THEBANKS ARE CLOSED, IT'S BECAUSE

TODAY MARKS THE 25TH ANNIVERSARYOF THE NOW CLASSIC BUDDY COP

FILM TURNER AND HOOCH.

>> MEG RYAN LOOKS TERRIBLE.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> 100 POINTS TO NIKKI GLASER

IN HONOR OF THISUNDERAPPRECIATED GEM, WHICH I

HAPPEN TO LOVE, TONIGHT'SHASHTAG IS #DOGMOVIES, EXAMPLES

MIGHT BE BARK TO THE FUTURE, ORFOREST HUMP, OR 84 YEARS A

SLAVE.

>> AH.

>> OH! MATH. MATH.

>> Chris: I AM GOING TO CLOCK60-SECONDS ON THE CLOCK STARTING

NOW AND GO, NIKKI.

>> PAW-SHAKE REDEMPTION.

>> Chris: OH, SO GOOD.

POINTS! PHIL.

>> DEBBIE DOES DALMATIANS.

>> Chris: YES.

POINTS.

NIKKI.

>> SQUIRREL INTERRUPTED.

>> Chris: YES! POINTS.

JOE.

>> GOOOOOOD FELLAS.

>> Chris: POINTS. PHIL.

ACE VENTURA: WHEN NATURE CALLSYOU PICK IT UP WITH A PLASTIC

BAG.>> Chris: YES.

POINTS.

NIKKI.

>> GET ITCH OR DIE TRYING.

>> Chris: YES.

POINTS.

PHIL.

>> CITIZEN CANINE.

>> Chris: OH, GOOD.

YES.

POINTS.

NIKKI.

>> WORMS OF ENDEARMENT.

>> POINTS.

I AM TRYING TO PICTURE THEPOSTER FOR THAT.

PHIL.

>> CHOCOLAT, BUT HE EATS IT ATTHE END THEN DIES.

>> Chris: YEAH, THAT'S -- THATIS VERY LAYERED.

I ENJOYED THAT, POINTS.

JOE.

>> PUT HIM TO SLEEPING WITH THEENEMY.

>> OH, YEAH, OKAY.

>> Chris: YES.

POINTS.

NIKKI.

>> ALL DOGS GO TO A HOLE IN YOURBAG YARD. THERE IS NO GOD.

>> Chris: POINTS. EXCELLENT.

THAT BRINGS US TO THE END OFHASHTAG WARS, PLEASE SEND US

IT IS TIME FOR VINE-ING WITH THESTARS.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> FOR THE LAST COUPLE OF WEEKSWE WENT ON A WORLDWIDE SEARCH TO

FIND AN @MIDNIGHT VINER. WERECEIVED A TON OF GREAT

SUBMISSIONS, SO THANKS EVERYONEWHO APPLIED, BUT THERE CAN BE

ONLY ONE TRUE VINETERN.

COMEDIANS, FOR THE NEXT FEWMINUTES, YOU WILL BE OUR JUDGES.

>> I AM GOING TO SHOW YOU OURFIVE VINETERN SEMIFINALISTS AND

YOU WILL EACH GIVE THEM A SCOREOF ONE TO TEN, TWO VINERS WHO

RECEIVED THE HIGHEST COMBINEDSCORE WILL BE OUR FINALIST AND

THE VIEWERS AT HOME WILL DECIDETHEN DECIDE WINNER.

LET'S GET VINE-ING!

>> FIRST ONE, CASSANDRE PRESUME.

>> I'M CASSANDRE PRESUME AND THEREASON I SHOULD YOUR VINERTERN

IS BECAUSE I KNOW BUSINESS.

I GOT A STICK!

>> ALL RIGHT.

WHAT DO YOU THINK, JUDGES? NIKKI?

>> I FELT THAT BOTH OF THESEGUYS ARE FOURS.

SO I ADDED THEM TOGETHER AND IGIVE THEM AN EIGHT.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: ALL RIGHT EIGHT FROM

NIKKI, YOU, PHIL?

>> IT REMINDED ME A LITTLE BITOF A REBOOT OF THE "SAY SAY SAY"

VIDEO, KIND OF A MODERN TAKE.

EIGHT.

>> Chris: EIGHT. JOE?

>> I AM GIVING IT A ONE.

>> DON'T YOU GROAN AT ME!

>> Chris: DREAM CRUSHER.

>> LOOK, GUY MAD WITH POWER WHENIT IS GIVEN TO ME.

>> Chris: OKAY.

GOOD.

15 POINTS.

CASSANDRE PRESUME'S TOTAL SCOREIS 15 POINTS.

>> NEXT UP IS COLIN MCFARLAND.COLIN MCFARLAND.

>> APPARENTLY VIDEOS OF CATSDOING FUNNY THINGS GET THE MOST

LIKES, SO HERE'S MY CAT DOINGFUNNY THINGS.

>> NIKKI WHAT DO YOU THINK?

>> THIS IS A NINE FOR HOW MANYLIVE CATS HAVE.

>> Chris: NINE, NICE.

>> Chris: I AM GOING WITH SIXAGAIN.

>> OKAY.

WAS THAT JUST BECAUSE YOUCOULDN'T FLIP THE CARD?

>> YES, I COULDN'T FLIP THECARD, YES.

>> Chris: OKAY. GOOD. SIX. JOE?

>> I AM JUST AMAZED THIS GUYMANAGED TO CRAM THREE SECONDS OF

ENTERTAINMENT INTO SIX SECONDS.

>> I GIVE THREE FOR THREESECONDS.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT.

18 POINTS. COLIN MCFARLAND ISNOW IN THE LEAD.

NEXT ONE, ANYTHING MEGHANDOHERTY.

>> OKAY I GIVE THAT A SIX.

I THOUGHT IT WAS ZOOEYDESCHANEL, BUT I REALIZED SHE

COULD NEVER STAY QUIET THATLONG.

>> Chris: VERY NICE.

PHIL.

>> I STILL CAN'T FLIP THE CARDBUT GIVING ATE 9.

>> Chris: OKAY.

>> I GIVE ATE SEVEN.

>> Chris: MEGHAN DOHERTY'S TOTALSCORE IS 22.

22.

NEXT, NATHAN RIVERA.

>> OH, YEAH.

OH.

>> Chris: NIKKI.

>> FIVE. I DON'T LIKE THAT HETHINKS WE CAN READ THAT FAST.

>> NOT COOL.

>> I AM GOING EIGHT, I LIKE -- IHAD ONE OF THOSE SO WHEN I'M IN

THE MIRROR IT LOOKS LIKE I'MMASTURBATING WITH WARMTH.

>> I GIVE IT A FIVE BECAUSESOMEBODY NEEDS TO TELL THIS KID

AT HIS AGE THE ONLY THING HESHOULD BE DOING WITH A MIRROR IS

BLOW.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT.

WELL THAT IS 13 POINTS -- THATIS 18 POINTS FOR NATHAN RIVERA.

OUR FINAL SEMIFINALIST IS MIKEBENNETT.

>> TONIGHT'S HASHTAG WARS.

>> LEMONS.

>> YES, POINTS.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT.

THAT WAS PRETTY (BLEEP) SWEET.

NIKKI.

>> I AM GOING TO GIVE IT FOUR.

IT IS UNCANNY RESEMBLANCE TO YOUBUT SOUNDED NOTHING LIKE YOU.

>> NO, IT'S -- NO, IT'S -->> NO, I DON'T BUY IT.

>> ALL RIGHT. IT IS YOUR SCORE.YOU DO WHAT YOU WANT WITH IT.

>> THIS IS SO GOOD.

IT ENCAPSULATES THE WHOLE SHOW-- HARDWICK, CHRIS HARDWICK,

LEOMON PARTIES -- IT IS LIKE THEWHOLE --

>> Chris: DON'T SAY MY NAME NEXTTO A LEMON PARTY.

>> NO, CHRIS HARDWICK, LEMONPARTIES.

>> THAT'S IT.

THAT'S A HASHTAG RIGHT THERE.

>> Chris: I DO NOT ACCEPT THAT,BUT I HAVE TO ACCEPT YOUR

SCORE. JOE.

>> I GIVE IT AN EIGHT BECAUSETHAT VINE IS THE BEST THING I

HAVE EVER SEEN WILL SASSO IN.

>> WELL JUDGING BY OURLEADER BOARD, THAT MEANS OUR TWO

FINALISTS TIED AT 22 POINTS EACHARE MEGAN DOUGHERTY AND MIKE

BENNETT! CONGRATULATIONS!

THESE VINES WILL BE ON THE@MIDNIGHT VINE ACCOUNT LATER

TONIGHT, WHICH EVER GETS THEMOST REVINES BY THURSDAY

NIGHT WILL BE THE FIRST EVER@MIDNIGHT VINTERN.

WE'RE GOING TO ANNOUNCE OURWINNER NEXT WEEK. GOOD LUCK TO

YOU BOTH!

WHISPER ME THIS, BATMAN,VACATION EDITION.

WHISPER IS AN APP THAT LETS YOUANONYMOUSLY POST YOUR DEEPEST

DARKEST SECRETS IN MEME FORM.TONIGHT'S WHISPER EPISODE

VACATION!

SO I AM GOING TO SHOW YOU GUYSSOME ACTUAL VACATION THEMED

WHISPERS POSTS WITH SOME KEYWORDS OMITTED, YOU FILL IN THE

BLANK AND IF IT'S FUNNY YOU GETTHE POINTS. ALL RIGHT, FIRST ONE

I GOT FOOD POISONING WHILE ON APLANE AND I THREW UP, I WAS SO

EMBARRASSED THAT I -- BLANK.PHIL?

>> I JOINED THE BILE-HIGH CLUB.

>> SO GOOD. POINTS.>> THANK YOU AMERICA!

>> THE ACTUAL THE ANSWER IS ITRIED TO HIDE IT BY DRINKING IT.

>> Chris: I DID NOT SEE THATCOMING.

>> I DIDN'T JUST THROW UP.

>> THAT DOESN'T SAVE ANYTHING.>> Chris: NEXT ONE.

MY BEST VACATION WAS WHEN ISPENT THE WEEKEND BLANK. JOE.

>> IN BRIAN SINGER'S POOL.

>> I DON'T REALLY REMEMBER IT,BUT --

THAT IS PROBABLY BECAUSE ITWAS SO LONG AGO WHEN I WAS NINE.

>> THE CORRECT ANSWER IS, IN ARANDOM WAL-MART PARKING LOT.

GOD, THE LAST ONE MADE ME SICK.

THIS ONE JUST MADE ME SAD-SICK.

LAST ONE.

BLANK WITH YOUR MOM EQUALSEMBARRASSING, NIKKI.

>> SHARING A GLORY HOLE.

>> WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

JUST SO I UNDERSTAND THEMECHANICS OF THIS.

>> SURE LET'S TALK ABOUT IT.

>> YOUR MOM'S ON ONE SIDE ANDYOU'RE IS ON THE OTHER SIDE,

YOU'RE SHARING THE GLORY HOLE.

>> WE ARE, WE BOTH STUMBLE UPONTHE GLORY HOLE AND WE'RE LIKE,

WHO GETS TO GO FIRST?

>> POINTS TO NIKKI GLASER, LET'SFIND OUT THE REAL ANSWER.

NUDE BEACH WITH YOUR MOM. KINDOF LIKE THE GLORY HOLE ONE.

>> YES.

EXACTLY.

ROOKER OF THE YEAR

MARVEL'S GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXYWILL BE IN THEATERS ON

AUGUST 1ST.

I'VE SEEN IT, IT IS AMAZING. YOUSHOULD SEE IT TOO IF YOU LIKE

AWESOME THINGS.

ONE OF THE STARS IS IN OURSTUDIO RIGHT NOW.

PLEASE WELCOME MICHAEL ROOKER!

>> HEY!

>> HEY, BUDDY. HOW ARE YOU?

>> Chris: NOW IN THE FILM YOUPLAY YONDU, A BLUE SKINNED ALIEN

WARRIOR. HERE YOU ARE, THAT'SYOUR CHARACTER.

>> I AM LOOKING PRETTY HOT.

>> YOU LOOK LIKE A SKIN HEADSMURF.

>> I LOOK LIKE I HAVECONSTIPATION ACTUALLY.

>> Chris: YOU HAVE A LONGCAREER PLAYING TOUGH GUYS AND

LAW GUYS WITH BADASS NAMES. LIKEIN WALKING DEAD YOU WERE MERLE

DIXON. YOU OLD BROTHER MERLE.

>> YEP. YOU KNOW WHAT, I'VE BEENTYPE-CAST A LOT OVER THE YEARS,

LIKE ROWDY BURNS, DAYS OFTHUNDER.

>> EZ PONDER, STAN "ZEEDO"ZEDKOV.

>> THESE NAMES ARE ALL GREAT BUTI FEEL LIKE I WANT THE COMEDIANS

TO COME UP WITH MORE TOUGH GUYNAMES FOR MICHAEL ROOKER TO

PLAY. HE'S STANDING RIGHT HEREIN THE GAME, SO HE'S GOING TO BE

JUDGING YOU AS WELL. I'M GONNAPUT 60 SECONDS ON THE CLOCK.

THE MORE RIDICULOUS THE NAME,THE BETTER, GO. JOE.

BEEF STEW.

YEAH. BEEF STEW, EXCELLENT.POINTS. NIKKI.

>> BLAKE WHORESBREATH.

>> BAM, BABY.

>> Chris: POINTS.

JOE.

>> DENIRO PACINO.

>> YEAH POINTS. EXCELLENT. PHIL.

>> ROSIE O'DONNELL.

>> Chris: POINTS. NIKKI

>> DAVE CAR-SPORTS-TITS-GUNS

>> Chris: POINTS. YEAH PHIL.

>> WILLY MAMMOTH.

>> Chris: YEAH, WILLY MAMMOTH.

POINTS. >> YEAH, I LIKE THAT.

NIKKI.

>> BORIS WOLFCOCK.

>> OH, THAT'S THE BEST YET. >> THANK YOU.

>> Chris: POINTS. PHIL

>> TAINT (BLEEP)FISTER.

>> Chris: PRETTY TOUGH NAME.

OKAY. POINTS.>> POINTS, JOE.

>> MAJOR VOLTAGE.

>> Chris: OH.

POINTS.

YES.

JOE AGAIN.

>> BIG DICK MURRAY.

>> Chris: POINTS.

MICHAEL ROOKER, EVERYBODY! >> THANK YOU!

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