Wednesday, June 17, 2015

  • 06/17/2015

Chris Cubas, Hannah Hart and Matt Mira jot down some #BadYearbookMessages, recommend additions to Father's Day gifts and create robot breakup lines.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S

"RAPID REFRESH."

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )THE VIDEO GAME CONFERENCE AND

ENTHUSIASM ORGY KNOWN AS E3 ISHAPPENING IN L.A. THIS WEEK, AND

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )-- WHICH I AM SADLY ABSENT FROM

BECAUSE I'M HERE ENTERTAININGYOU.

IT HAS BEEN DRIPPING WITHEXCITING GAME-RELEASE NEWS, FROM

"JUST CAUSE 3" TO THE NEW"KINGDOM HEARTS."

BUT THE BIGGEST SPLASH CAMEMONDAY WHEN SONY ANNOUNCED THEIR

"FINAL FANTASY 7" REMAKE,HERE IT IS.

YEAH, EXACTLY.

"FINAL FANTASY 7," ONE OF THEGREATEST GAMES OF ANY SERIES

BEING REMADE. RPGs ARE WHERE MYVIDEO GAME HEART LIVES.

IT WAS FIRST RELEASED IN 1997,WHEN HANNAH HART WAS 10 YEARS

OLD.

AND I HAD ALREADY BEEN HOSTING"SINGLED OUT" FOR THREE YEARS.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )THE INTERNET'S REACTION TO THE

FF7 NEWS WAS COOL AND MEASURED.

AS YOU MIGHT EXPECT.

( CHEERS )>> OH, MY GOD!

OH, MY GOD.

>> CHRIS: I WANT TO POINT OUT,GAMERS ARE THE ONLY PEOPLE IN

THE WORLD WHO CAN GET THISEXCITED ABOUT A REMAKE OF THE

SEVENTH OF SOMETHING.

BUT THIS IS ALSO A BEAUTIFULEXAMPLE OF KNOWING YOUR CORE

AUDIENCE AND PANDERING TO THEMLIKE A MOTHER(BLEEP).

COMEDIANS, TAKE A PAGE OUT OFTHE SONY PLAYBOOK AND DO YOUR

BEST TO STOKE OUT THE"@MIDNIGHT" AUDIENCE.

MATT MIRA.>>I KNOW HOW TO RILE UP AN

AUDIENCE, CHRIS.

EVERYONE LOOK UNDER YOURCHAIRS.

YOU'RE GETTING A CHRIS PRATT!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>> YOU GET A CHRIS PRATT.

>> YOU GET A CHRIS PRATT!

>> I'M SORRY, ALL WE HAD LEFTWAS CHUBBY CHRIS PRATT.

( LAUGHTER )THIS PHOTO WAS A'TRENDIN' ON

IMGUR TODAY: HOT SAUCE-SMEAREDREVELERS AT THE PHILADELPHIA

PRIDE PARADE GOT A NICE HANDOUTFROM THE GAY-FRIENDLY FOLKS AT

CHIPOTLE ASKING THEM "HOMOESTAS?"

( LAUGHTER )HANNAH, HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT

THIS?

>> I'M NOW HUNGRY FOR TACOS.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )100 POINTS FOR THAT, YOU

TACO-EATING DYNAMO.

BECAUSE, ACTUALLY,TO ANSWER THE QUESTION "WHICH

WAY DO YOU SWAY?" CHIPOTLEHANDED OUT TWO DIFFERENT BUTTON

OPTIONS:ONE BEING "I EAT TACOS"

AND THE OTHER ONE IS "IEAT BURRITOS."

I FEEL LIKE MEXICAN FOODSEXUALITY IS WAY MORE COMPLEX.

WHERE IS THE BUTTON THATRESIDENT, "I SUCK GUAC," FOR

INSTANCE.

OR "BURRITO BOWL, EXTRAPUSSY." SO COMEDIANS,

WHEN IT COMES TO YOUR SEXICANPREFERENCE, HOW DO YOU SWAY?

CHRIS CUBAS?

>> I'M GOING TO NEED TO YOUDRESS UP IN THE TACO BELL

CHIHUAHUA COSTUME, BECAUSE I'M AFUR-ITO.

>> CHRIS: POINTS. THE SEXY SALSADANCE RIGHT AFTERWARDS.

AMERICA SAY HELLO TO YOURNEW ANIMATED GIF.

>> PLEASE, PLEASE, CAN I GET AWIKIPEDIA PAGE AND THAT GIF.

>> CHRIS: THEY'LL MAKE THAT FORYOU.

HANNAH HART.

>> I JUST WANT A BUTTON THATSAYS "QUESA-DEEZ-NUTS."

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

A POLITICAL ACTION COMMITTEETHAT BACKS REPUBLICAN

CANDIDATE CARLY FIORINA IS

SLEAZING ITS WAY AROUND FEDERALRULES BY CLAIMING THIS, WHICH

CLEARLY SAYS "CARLY" DOESN'TACTUALLY SAY "CARLY." SHWAA?

THEY FOUND A LOOPHOLE IN THE LAWTHAT BANS SUCH FUND-RAISING

ORGANIZATIONS FROM USINGCANDIDATES' NAMES BY SAYING IT'S

AN ACRONYM FOR-- CONSERVATIVEAUTHENTIC RESPONSIVE LEADERSHIP

FOR YOU-- AN "AND" SOMEWHERE--FOR AMERICA, AND TOTALLY NOT THE

POLITICIAN'S NAME THEY'RE NOTSUPPOSED TO BE USING.

VERY SMOOTH.

TWITTER'S ACRONYM POLICE IS ALLOVER THIS (BLEEP), COMING UP

WITH OTHER OPTIONS FOR WHAT"CARLY" MIGHT STAND FOR LIKE A

"COUPLE OF AWKWARD WORDS RAMMEDTOGETHER LOL YOLO."

I THINK WE SHOULD LEVEL THEPLAYING FIELD AND COME UP WITH

ACRONYMS OF OTHER PRESIDENTIALCANDIDATES JUST TO BE FAIR.

MATT MIRA.

>> I'M GOING FOR RAND--REPUBLICANS ANAL NEVER

DISAPPOINTS.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

IT'S NOW TIME FOR TONIGHT'S"#HASHTAGWARS."

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )IT'S JUNE, WHICH FOR HIGH SCHOOL

SENIORS MEANS NO MORE PENCILS,NO MORE BOOKS, NO MORE HAVING

AWKWARD SEX IN THE BACK OF YOURPARENT'S MITSUBISHI

GALANT DURING STUDY HALL.

AND THEN SNAPCHATTING YOUR DICKTIP ACCIDENTALLY TO YOUR

TEACHER.

SO IN HONOR OF THIS CAREFREETIME FOR GRADS, TONIGHT'S

HASHTAG IS #BADYEARBOOKMESSAGES#BADYEARBOOKMESSAGES.

SOME EXAMPLES MIGHT BE:"HE WHO SMELT IT DEALT IT," OR

"MY DAD ALWAYS THOUGHT YOU WEREHOT."

( LAUGHTER )WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP WRITING THAT

IN MY BOOKS?

>> I LOVE THE GUY IN THE CLIPART IN THE TANK TOP.

HE'S LIKE, "I'M THE MOST MATTDILLON."

>> CHRIS: RIGHT HERE, HE'S THEMOST MATT DILLON.

WHAT ABOUT THIS ONE?>>SHE'S A REAL GOOFBALL

LET'S PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND BEGIN.

CHRIS.

>> 2 COOL 2 B FORECLOSED ONWHEN YOUR START-UP FAILS IN

THREE YEARS.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

MATT.

>> I BET YOU'RE SORRY NOW,BETHANY.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

>> THANKS FOR NOT TELLINGANYBODY ABOUT THE SHMA-BORTION.

( LAUGHTER )>> CHRIS: SO ADORABLE WHEN

YOU SAY IT THAT WAY.

POINTS.

MATT.

>> HEY, BETHANY, LET'S SAY MEAND YOU MAKE LIKE A FINGER TREE

MAKE LIKE A FINGER.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I'M GOING TO FINGERBLAST YOU.>>CHRIS: MATT

>> ASHLEY, COULD YOU TELLBETHANY I'M SORRY ABOUT THE

FINGERBLASTING?

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

CHRIS.

>> YOU WERE GREAT AT DODGEBALL.BY DODGEBALL I MEAN NOT

BEAING MOLESTED BY FATHERO'BRIEN.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

MATT.

>> HEY, KATY, CAN YOU CHECK WITHASHLEY--

( LAUGHTER )JUST SEE IF SHE SAW WHAT I WROTE

ABOUT BETHANY.

>> CHRIS: WHY DO I FEEL LIKEWE'RE JUST WALKING THROUGH YOUR

HIGH SCHOOL EXPERIENCE?

>> I KNOW.

IS THIS THERAPY?>>CHRIS: HARTO.

>> NEW YEARBOOK.

WHO DIS?

IT'S TIME TO PLAY "AMAZON BOOKFAIR: FATHER'S DAY EDITION."

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )DADS-- THEY'RE ALWAYS IN THE

GARAGE TINKERING, EITHERPUTTIN' AROUND WITH THE

AIR CONDITIONER BECAUSE IT'SMAKING THAT GODDAMN SQUEAKY

SOUND OR JUST HIDING IN THEREBECAUSE

YOUR MOTHER IS STILL MAKING THATGODDAMN SQUEAKY SOUND.

WITH FATHER'S DAY THIS SUNDAY,WE THOUGHT IT'D BE A GREAT TIME

FOR ANOTHER AMAZON BOOK FAIR TOGIVE YOU SOME LAST-MINUTE GIFT

IDEAS.

I'M GOING TO SHOW YOUTHE COVER OF A D.I.Y. DAD BOOK

WE FOUND ON AMAZON, AND I WANTYOU TO TELL ME THE NAME OF A

CHAPTER YOU THINK SHOULD BEIN IT.

FIRST UP:"THE CHICKEN WHISPERER'S GUIDE

TO KEEPING CHICKENS: EVERYTHINGYOU NEED TO KNOW AND DIDN'T KNOW

YOU NEEDED TO KNOW ABOUTBACKYARD AND URBAN CHICKENS."

THE TERM "URBAN CHICKENS" ISWEIRD TOO.

>>IT SOUNDS PRETTY RACIST.

>>IT'S A BUNCH OF WHITE CHICKENSPRETENDING TO BE BLACK CHICKENS.

>> OH, GOD.>>CHRIS: CHRIS

>> NICE BREASTS.

AND OTHER POULTRY PICKUP LINES.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

I'M USUALLY A THIGH MAN.

NEXT ONE:"IDENTIFYING WOOD: ACCURATE

RESULTS WITH SIMPLE TOOLS."

>>(BLEEP), MARRY, KILL: PINE,ELM, OAK.

IT'S TIME FOR OUR NEXT GAME,"FAINTED OR TAINTED."

LIVE NEWS IS A STRESSFUL,HIGH-PRESSURE SITUATION, AND

SOMETIMES EVEN THE PRO-EST OFTHE PROS CAN ALLOW THEIR NERVES

TO GET THE BEST OF THEM WITHWITH HIGHLY HUMILIATING

AND HILARIOUS RESULTS.

FORTUNATELY, MANY OF THESEON-AIR PANIC SITUATIONS HAVE

BEEN IMMORTALIZED ON THE TUBE OFYOU.

COMEDIANS, I'M GOING TO SHOW YOUA STILL OF A NEWSCASTER AND FOR

250 POINTS, I WANT YOU TO TELLME IF THEY ARE GOING TO FAINT ON

THE SPOT OR TAINT THE AIRWAVES-->> OR SHOW THEIR TAINTS?

OR BOTH.

>> THESE ARE WHAT I LIKE TOCALL "BOY JOKES."

( LAUGHTER )I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU A STILL OF

A NEWSCASTER AND I WANT TO TOTELL ME IF THEY ARE WILL

FAINT ON THE SPOT OR TAINT THEAIRWAVES WITH SOME

COURSE LANGUAGE. FAINTED ORTAINTED.

CHRIS.

>> SHE LOOKS LIKE SHE HAD ABOUTTHREE GLASS OF MALBEC ON THE WAY

THERE.

TAINTED.

>> AND YOU GUYS ARE TEACHING MEHOW TO CROSSCOUNTRY SKI, SO GIVE

US SOME BAYS...

>> NO, NO.

>> OH!

>> SHE'S GOING TO BE VERY WARMIN THAT L.L. BEAN PARKA.

>> SHE ALSO MIGHT HAVE HAD TOOMUCH MALBEC.

IT WORKS EITHER WAY.

>> CHRIS: WE DON'T KNOW.

WHAT ABOUT THIS WEATHER WIZARD?

FAINTED OR TAINTED?

MATT?

>> I'M HOPING HE'S GONNAPULL A DALLAS RAINES. TAINTED?

>> LET'S SEE THAT.

>> IT LOOKS LIKE ALL WEATHERWILL GET WARMER OVER THE NEXT

COUPLE OF DAYS, BUT WE HAVE TOGO THROUGH A FEW SNOW SHOWERS

FIRST.

THE COMPLETE FORECAST AND ALLTHE DAY'S NEWS

STRAIGHT AHEAD AT THE FOX LIVEAT NEWS, (BLEEP) ME, MOTHER

WHORE (BLEEP) (BLEEP).

>> YEAH!

>> CHRIS: IT'S THE SMILE AT THEEND.

AS WE GO TO OUR NEXT GAME, "SEXMACHINA."

IN JUST 12 DAYS AND 23 AND AHALF HOURS, "TERMINATOR GENYSIS"

IS COMING OUT.

CINEMATIC SAGA OF KILLER CYBORGSWILL CONTINUE FOR A NEW

GENERATION.

BUT THERE'S ACTUALLY A SCARIERSCENARIO INVOLVING SENTIENT

ROBOTS THAT WE JUST HEARD ABOUTIN THE "NEW YORK TIMES," TALKING

SEX DOLLS.

ICK.

THE CREATOR OF THE REALDOLL HASJUST ADDED ARTIFICIAL

INTELLIGENCE TO HIS CREEPYSILICONE WOMAN-FORMS.

SO NOW, FOR JUST $10,000, THEMOST SOCIALLY AWKWARD MEN ON THE

PLANET CAN PRETEND TO HAVE ACONVERSATION WHILE THEY PRETEND

TO HAVE SEX.

>> I HOPE TO BECOME THE WORLD'SFIRST SEX ROBOT.

>> IS SHE ENJOYING THIS?

DOES SHE LIKE MAKING ME FEELTHIS?

>> OH!

OH, MY GOD.

>> CHRIS: COME TO ME IF YOU WANTTO JIZZ.

SOON THESE ROBOTS ARE GOING TOGAIN ENOUGH INTELLIGENCE TO

REALIZE THEY SHOULD DUMP THESELOSERS, SO COMEDIANS,

I WANT YOU TO GIVE ME AS MANYROBOT BREAKUP LINES AS YOU CAN

IN 60 SECONDS.

>> IF YOU TOUCH ME AGAIN I'MGOING TO CALL THE ROBOCOPS.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

HANNAH.

>> I HAVE MET SOMEONE ELSE.

HE'S A ROOMBA SEX GOD.

>> CHRIS: MATT.

>> I CAN NO LONGER DEAL WITH THEPATHETIC TICKLES YOU CALL SEXUAL

THRUSTS.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

HANNAH.

>> IT'S NOT YOU, IT'S WINDOWSM.E..

>> CHRIS: OH, MY GOD!

IT'S ( BLEEP ) BRILLIANT!

OH, HANNAH.

MWA!

CHRIS.

>> BUFFERING.

( LAUGHTER )>> I'M SO SORRY

I COULD NOT BE BETHANY.