Monday, August 15, 2016

  • 08/15/2016

Yakov Smirnoff, Flula Borg and Maeve Higgins suggest ways to avoid a lawsuit, list recently broken ancient records and #OneWordOffMovieQuotes.

We're coming to you from a place

that is definitelyRio de Janeiro,

and not a studio acrossfrom a 7/11 in Los Angeles.

(laughter)

...for...

-(applause and cheering)-It's not.

-This is Rio.-Yeah.

It's definitely Rio.

I promise this is Rio.

I was robbed four timeson the way to the lectern.

-(laughter) -This is a weeklong @midnight tournament

that'll be justlike the Olympics.

And by that I mean underfundedand on an annoying tape-delay.

(laughter)

We've scoured the globe

for the funniest peoplefrom the funniest countries,

-and also Germany, and broughtthem here... -(laughter)

...to test their wits,their humor,

and their ability to shareone functioning toilet.

And now, I would like

to welcome you allto the @midnight Olympics!

-(cheers and applause)-(fanfare plays)

-Hey, stop. stop.-(music stops)

Unfortunately,I can't do that because

the International OlympicCommittee sent out a letter

threatening legal actionagainst non-sponsors who...

"read tweets about the games

"and anyof its associated trademarks.

"That includesthe words 'Olympics,'

'Olympian,' and '#TeamUSA.'"

I can't even congratulateOlympic athletes

on their victories, onlyfor non-Olympic things. Like...

Like, for instance,if I saw this picture

of a celebrating Michael Phelps,all I could say is,

"Congratulationson your perfect nipples."

(applause and cheering)

They're perfectin every single way.

But despiteall these legal barriers,

we're still goingto kick off our tribute

to that ancient tradition

of greased-up,uncircumcised wrestlers

with an awesometorch-lighting ceremony.

Let the game-likeactivities start! Comed...

-(orchestra playsgrand theme) -Oh.

Is it happening?I feel it.

(cheers and applause)

Comedians, what other thingsdo we have to do

to avoid getting suedby the I.O.C.?

-Yakov Smirnoff, go.-The Olympics game--

you are not supposed to do drugsor take drugs.

On this show,it's mandatory to take...

-HARDWICK: Yeah. Yeah.-(laughter, applause & cheering)

Hopefully, everyone'sjuiced up and ready to go.

Flula Borg.

You cannot swallowany raw sewage

without araw sewage-swallowing permit.

And good luck getting that

all becauseof bureaucracy red tape!

-All right, points. Yes, verygood. Very good. -(laughter)

(applause and cheering)

Thank you.

Maeve Higgins.

You cannot, um, hirethe IOC as your secretary

and then sexually harass them.

-(laughter) -HARDWICK:No, you can't do that.

One of the most impressive featsof this Olympiad

happened last weekwhen America hero

and muscular ear modelMichael Phelps...

-(laughter)-broke an Olympic record

held for 2,168 years withhis 13th individual gold medal.

He beat the record setby Leonidas of Rhodes

in 152 BC.

There he ison an ancient box of Wheaties,

-uh...-(laughter)

before they made a rule thatathletes could no longer appear

on a box with their dick out.

-(laughter)-Uh...

-BORG: Oh, there it is.-Oh. Must... Yeah.

(laughter)

Kind of hard to...sort of hard to see.

That must bethe Winter Olympics.

(laughter)

I don't know.So, comedians...

what's... what'sanother ancient record

that's been broken recently?

-Yakov Smirnoff. -Well,hundred and thirty athletes,

uh, were, uh,disqualified in this Olympics,

-which was a record.-Mm-hmm.

Which proves that using steroids can help you break records.

Yeah, yeah, that's true.Oh! That is an excellent point.

Points. Yeah. Excellent point.

-Flula Borg.-Uh, I was just reading

that Kanye Westhas recently achieved

the highest self-esteemof all time.

-Uh...-(laughter)

The record was first set by God.

-All right, points.-(laughter)

And he... he just beat it,he just beat it.

Yeah, he beat it.

He knew he was gonna do that.

He knew. He knew the whole time.He called that on Snapchat.

(laughter)

It's now timefor the #HashtagWars.

(cheering)

The summer blockbuster seasonhas given us

some memorable movie quotes,like, "So that's it, huh?

Some kind of Suicide Squad?"

And, "So that's it, huh?

Some kindof My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2?

But we found that if you changejust one word

of a notableclassic cinema line,

it goes from beingiconic to incoherent,

which is why tonight's hashtagis #OneWordOffMovieQuotes.

#OneWordOffMovieQuotes.

Examples might include:Play it again, Skrillex;

and: Luke, I am your waiter.

I'm gonna put 60 secondson the clock, and begin.

-Flula Borg.-E.T., phone Applebee's.

-Points.-(laughter)

-Maeve. -Uh, draw me likeone of your French toasts.

-Points.-(laughter)

-Flula. -I'm gonna make hima casserole he can't refuse.

-Points.-(laughter)

-Flula.-Yippee ki-yay, Mother Teresa.

-Points.-(laughter)

Yakov Smirnoff.

Go ahead, make my lunch.

HARDWICK:Yes. Points.

Flula.

Help me, Obi-Wan.

You're my only babysitter.

HARDWICK:All right, points.

Yak... uh, Flula.

Say hello to my little anus.

(laughing)

Yakov.

I'm out of order;you're out of order.

The whole anal examis out of order.

All of it. Yes, points.

Yakov.

With great boobs,come great responsibility.

-HARDWICK: Mm-hmm.-(cheers and applause)

-(bell dings)-HARDWICK: Maeve.

Um, love means never havingto say you're married.