Behrendt, Daniels, Yard, Joyce, Mac, Nystrom, Schaal

  • Season 1, Ep 0102
  • 07/27/2006

Mike Yard discusses his need for a new arguing strategy with his girlfriend, and Greg Behrendt reveals the dangers of drunk dialing an ex.

that well yet.

( laughter, Behrendt whoops )

Hi. I'm Greg Behrendt.

Uh, nice to see you.

I am a stand-up comedian.

Uh, I've been a stand-upcomedian for 17 years.

I'm-I'm proud of that.

Uh, I am also the authorof a book

that you may have seenon Oprah Winfrey Show called

A Million Little Pieces. Um...

( laughter )

I think I wrote that.

Didn't I write that?

I... I know I got drunk once,and there was a cop.

At least that'swhat I rememoir.

Right off the top with a pun.

I don't care, I'll use a pun.

I'll-I'll do it.

I'm not afraid.

I, uh, uh... I am the, uh,in fact, the coauthor

of a book called He's Just Not That into You.

( cheering and applause )

The thing about the book,

He's Just Not That into You, um, is that, you know,

it's geared towards women, butthat same stuff happens to men.

It's just thatif you wrote a book called

She's Just Not That into You, it'll sell eight copies.

You know, dudes--we don't process like that.

You know, you break up with us,we get drunk,

and then stand on your lawn,and then a cop comes.

And we're, like,"Oh, this is over.

"I get it. Okay, it's over.( laughter )

Got you."

But we fall in love with womenthat don't give it back.

It happened to me.

( bleep ). Oh, man,I met this girl,

and I was, like, "Oh!" You know?

I just... You know, again,just, "Oh, I'm in love,

I'm into you, I love you."You know?

And she's, like, "I'm...I don't like you that much."

And I'm, like,"But I really like you."

And she's, like, "But I reallydon't like you that much."

And I'm ( bleep )."Well, then I'm gonna have

to make you a mix tape."

( laughter )

Because, yeah, that's howyou do it, with a mix.

You know what I mean?

When you unleashthe mix upon her, you know,

she will understand the beautyof who you are as a human being.

And then she will meltand be in your bedroom soon.

That's the plan with the mix.( laughter )

And not to date myselftoo much, man,

but when I... back in the day,I ( bleep ).

It was actually... It wasn'tjust drop and drag, bro.

( bleep ).Mix with cassette.

Two ( bleep ) cassette decksgoing like this.

You know, you got the cassettegoing. Yeah.

Tape to tape.

You know,maybe even a turntable.

You got a turntable going,you know.

And, uh, "No, dude,don't bump it! ( bleep ).

Don't bump. ( bleep ).Oh, click, click, man."

Waiting for the song to..."Oh, they ended too soon."

Staying up all night.

Cassette box art a must.

( laughter )

But it started to kind ofturn into a relationship.

Like, we moved in together,right?

She moved in with me, right?

She didn't love me that much.She moved in with me.

That's a plus.( laughter )

And then one nightI caught her making out

with another dudeon the driveway.

That's a minus.( laughter )

And I thought to myself,

we're gonna have to have a convoabout that,

because the parameters

for, you know, this relationshipare too wide.

I want you to be yourself,but not with other dudes.

( laughter )

Then we kind of split up,but were living together.

That's a bummer.You're laying in bed together.

"( blee ) you.Can I have some pillow?"

( laughter )

Finally, she moved to New Yorkto live with this guy.

And, uh, they were living...

They were gonna livein an apartment,

but they were staying in a hoteltogether, so

they had moved to New York, andI started to think to myself,

"This relationshipmight be over, you know?"

Yeah, yeah.

I took an inventory and thought,"It could be over."

It's not looking good for dude.

It's fourth and ten, baby,I got.

So, during the day,it's easy not to call.

It's easy not to callduring the day.

You know what I'm talking about?

When you're going throughsort of a breakup.

You know, 'cause you got friendsor ex-boxer, whatever you got,

stuff that you're doing.

( laughter )

But then night time comes by,

and booze stops overfor a visit.

( laughter )

You know, and I'm just sayingtonight,

if you're going througha breakup, and you're drinking,

don't call.

Just don't call. Don't do it.

Just don't call,'cause here's the thing.

Booze has information in it.

( laughter )

( cheering and applause )

Yeah.

And that information has to getto your person now!

( laughter )

So, at 3:00 Los Angeles time,

3:00 a.m. Los Angeles time,

6:00 New York time,when ladies love to be called,

right before breakfast...

( laughter )

...I blow in a call.

Now she's living... she's livingat the Paramount Hotel, right?

And the guyat the Paramount Hotel

is very cool, right?

And he's, like, "Hello.Paramount Hotel."

Now, I'm so drunkthat I can't make words.

( laughter )Can't make 'em.

Can buy a vowel,can't buy a consonant.

Just, aah-aah, aah, aah-aah,aah, aah! Aah!

( scattered applause )

And the guy at the ParamountHotel has a lot of patience.

He's a kind person.

He says, "Sir, I can'tunderstand what you're saying.

Would you like to tryand spell it?"

( laughter )

And I look around my room.

I can't find any dignity,so, yeah, I'll spell it.

( laughter )

( applause )

So, that's what I do-- I spellit for him, and eventually,

he understandswho I want to talk to,

but right beforehe puts me through...

'Cause he goes, "All right, sir,

I'll connect youin just a minute."

And then he pauses,and then he goes,

"Sir, are you sureyou want me to...?"

"Are you sureyou want to make this call?"

And I'm, like,"Dude, can you see me?

"Am I... Can you smell me?

Am I that pathetic?"

"Yes."

( laughter )

And so I hung up,or passed out,

or some versionof stopped calling.

( laughter )

On the next day,

I was so grateful for that dude,

I was so thankfulfor that guy.

Like, oh, my God,what an awesome dude.

How nice of himto step out of the darkness

and put the, you know, stop.

You know? And I was thinking,

"I wish I had that guyon my phone all the time."

Wouldn't that be great?

Or just if you were goingthrough a breakup.

You know what I mean?

Just someoneto talk you through, you know?

He'd be able to say to you then,he would say,

"Dude, she's just not thatinto you."

And then you'd be able to say,"I know."

( laughter )

( applause )

And then he would reroute youthe pizza.

All right, ah, black peoplein the middle.

Yeah.

It's gonna be a good show.

It'll be good, be good, be good.

All right.

Welcometo the affirmative action

portion of the show.

I've got to eat,too, baby. Sorry.

( laughs ):I'm feeling good, man.

I-I, you know, I just lostanother argument with my woman.

You know? That's...I'm like 0 for 187 now, man.

I just can't get one. I can't...

I don't know what it is

and I thought I was rightthis time, too.

You know what I'm saying?

I was hype! I was like,"I got her.

I got her!"

At the end of the argument,I was like, "I'm sorry."

I don't knowwhat the hell happened.

I thought I had her.

Can't get it, man,I don't know what it is.

Man, I just can't win one.

You know what it is? I...

I just don't havethe stamina, man.

I can't keep up, you know?'Cause women can go.

Men, we're not usedto arguing that long.

You know, 'cause... for real,when guys argue, it's quick.

You ever see guys argue?"Shut up! You shut up!"

And that's it. It's over.

You know what I'm saying?I got louder. I did this.

He knows I won. That's it.

That's how we operate.

Not women though, boy.

Women, you guys can go, man.

Six months later, you be like,

"And another thing...

"Didn't that happen last summer?

Mm-hmm."

Can't win it, man.

And you know another reasonwhy we can't ever win, fellas?

'Cause we don't have goodarguing strategy.

We never really knowwhat the argument is about.

We don't. You know, we make

the same mistakeevery time, guys.

We always go into the...this is how guys always argue.

We always go into the argumentunder the impression

that what we're arguing about

is the thing that just happened.

You see what I'm saying?See, he's like, "Yeah, huh."

That's what we do.

We think this argument isabout this particular incident.

That is, in fact,not the case. No.

This argument is really abouteverything that I've ever done

since I've beenin this relationship.

That's what it's about.

'Cause that's what women do.

Whenever you mess up,they just point...

( cheering and applause )

That's what y'all do.

Whenever, whenever we mess up,

all they dois point, click, save.

Put that in a folder.

"Ooh, that's goingto come in handy later."

And they save it, too.You be arguing, "I did not leave

the empty containerin the refrigerator."

And she's like,"Yeah, but you left me in Jersey

back in '82 though, didn't you?"

What the hellthat got to do with milk?

I don't want you to thinkI'm a female-basher.

I actually envy women.

I envy your friendships'cause women havereal friendships.

I've noticed that, man.

You know? When women arefriends, it's real.

Guys, we have shallowfriendships.

We don't really...women know deep stuff

about their friends.

They talk, you know?Intimate stuff.

Guys, we don't really have that.

Our friendships are shallow.

Like, I... I got people I'vebeen friends with for 15 years.

I don't even knowtheir real name.

That's how bad it is.Y'all women, you got deep--

'cause you talk--that's why you always win

'cause you talk.

Your girlfriend call youup 3:00 in the morning,

and you don't give a ( bleep ).

That's your girland she needs you.

That's how they operate.

( applause )Oh, yeah.

You might be upset at first'cause your phone

is ringing at 3:00in the morning, you know.

You probably answerwith an attitude, "Hello?!"

But once you hear her,

( sobbing )

All of a sudden you're up.

( whispering ):"What happened?"

( louder ):"What happened, girl?"

( sobbing ):"Let me tell you what he did!"

And you're like,"You know what, girl?

( bleep ) him. Come over."

Yeah, you love to say that.

Uh-huh.

"Come over. We'll bake cookiesor whatever."

I don't knowwhatever the ( bleep ) you do.

I don't know what women dowhen they get upset.

I'm never there.

But guys,we don't have that, mm-mm.

Mm-mm, there's not a guy in here

that could call his boy upat 3:00 in the morning.

Hell, you can't call your boy up

at 3:00 in the afternoontalking 'bout

( sobbing )

'Cause right then and there

he's gonna be like,"Oh, oh, oh..."

"Oh, oh."

He'll be laughinghis ( bleep ) off.

And if anybody's around,he's gonna be like,

"Yo, dawg, you gotta hear this.

"I'm gonna put it on speaker.Mike is crying!"

It's our job now, man.

I was reading this articleon the Internet, man.

Our Homeland Security Chiefsays that, you know,

we, as citizens, have to be morediligent and seek out terrorism

and do our part, you know?

So... yeah, and then I wenton the subway

and they had signs up nowthat say, you know:

"Stop terrorism.

If you see something,say something."

You know what I'm saying?

So we gotta go upto the terrorists

like, if you're on the trainand you see somebody

getting readyto blow theyself up,

you have to approachthat terrorist and go, "Hey!"

"Stop it."

What else are you gonna sayto a terrorist?

( laughs )

Take that on the F train.

'Cause that's all New Yorkerswould say.

We'd be, like, "Yo, I don't careif you blow it up.

"It's not mine.I gotta get to work.

"I get my check today, too.

Don't play with me."

You know?And he was talking about...

I was reading this article, man.

He was like, you know,you've got to be more diligent

and keep an eye out,look out for suspicious people.

Yeah, that might workin Minnesota.

But I live in New York.What's suspicious in New York?

Have you ever seen anythingsuspicious in New York?

Have you ever... walking downthe street in New York

and seen something and went,"That was weird"?

Never, I mean, what qualifies

as suspicious in this...is this suspicious?

I saw a dude on the subway platform arguing with a hot dog.

Is that suspicious?

My man was having a full-fledgedargument with a frankfurter.

"Shut up, Frank!"

"You don't... me like that.

I will eat you!"

You guys drinking?

( audience affirms )Great.

You certainly are. Nice.

So... do it for me;I had to quit.

I had to quit drinking 'causeI got really sick a year ago.

I almost died in the hospital.I really did.

I got double pneumonia.

Do you guys even know whatthat is, double pneumonia?

I didn't, but here's the deal.

See, apparently,pneumonia is when

one of your lungs fills upwith fluid,

and double pneumoniais when God hates you.

It's really bad, yeah.It's bad.

And I had double pneumonia

and I got appendicitisat the same time.

Yeah, they had to takemy appendix out.

And, uh, I got some advice

if it's any single dudesin the room.

If you ever dogo in for surgery,

for whatever reason they wantto put a lot of hot chicks

involved in the surgery process.

There's always like,

hot surgical internsrunning around,

getting your waterand making sure you're peeing.

And you're gonna tryto hit on them

and that's not goingto work at all.

Yeah, see, 'cause you're goingto be lying half naked

on a table with a paper napkinover your giblets.

You're not going laid;it's not going to work.

I don't knowwhat I was thinking.

Like, "Maybe they'll write theirnumber on my ( bleep ) napkin."

I don't know what I thought.

Didn't go well.

I know, that's a no.

They weren't sure what was wrongwith me at first, either.

I was at New YorkPresbyterian Hospital.

That's where they took me.

They had to take me upin the elevators

to get a bunch of x-rays done.

And, uh, I was in the elevator

and noticed they didn't havea 13th floor

in New YorkPresbyterian Hospital.

They have a 12th and a 14th.

No 13th floor,so I asked them about it

and I found out that hospitalsdo not have 13th floors.

Do we really want our hospitalsto be superstitious?

Doesn't that kind of seemlike a bad idea, you know?

It's like, "Well, it looks likeyour wife is gonna pull through.

( knocks wood )"We hope so.

We don't know at all."

( applause )

"Yes, we got the test back.

"Looks like your grandmotherhas diabetes

"or she's a witch,we're not sure.

"We're gonna have to burn heranyway; you don't want that.

"That's really bad.

That's bad news."

I just travel around and dostand-up which is great

'cause, like, I can't doanything else.

I have no skills, you know.

Yeah, like, I tried the day jobroute for a while,

but I was always a comic anyway,

so I tend to screwaround the interview

and that doesn't get youthe job, you know.

They ask you dumb stuffon job interviews

like, "What do you think you canbring to the company, Jesse?"

"I got a stapler."

"Other than that,I don't really have much.

That's why I was lookingfor a job, yeah."

"I kind of thoughtyou guys might have some kind

"of work for paycheckexchange program.

You know, help me out."

Single guy, don't have any kids.

The close thing I got,I'm in the Big Brothers program,

the Big Brothers/Big SistersOrganization.

Got a little brother.( applause )

Thanks. Yeah, thank you.

Thanks a lot.

He's a cool guy.

Thirteen-year-old kidnamed Zach,

lives in Queens,he's a cool dude

and, uh, I'm trying to be a goodrole model to him.

You know, 'cause that'swhat the program's about.

But it's hard 'cause we've hada different life experience.

So, like, I don't know howto handle certain things

that come up, like, uh...

He gets into fightsa lot at school.

And I've never beenin a fight in my life

'cause I'm a huge pussy. Yeah.

So I don't what to do.

It's like,"What happened, buddy?

"You mean that guy tookyour baseball glove

"so you kicked his assand got it back?

Wow, that's one wayto do it, huh?"

"You know, you could've justcried like a bitch

and quit playing baseballaltogether."

"Why don't you just convinceyour mom it was her idea

"and then develop a senseof humor as a defense mechanism.

That's how you become a man."

You can't have kids anymore.

Thank you.

Ooh!

We'll get it.

Wow.

Thank you.

( clears throat )Thank you.

Good evening, Gotham.

Good evening.

( speaking German )

That's German...

for "I'm not wearingany underwear."

( speaking Mandarin )

That's Mandarin...

for "Just kidding."

( laughs )

( speaking French )

That's French, of course...

for "Actually, I'm not kidding.

"I'm not wearingany underwear...

"at all.

Or any inhibitions,for that matter."

As you can see,I speak many languages.

Including the language of sex.

Yeah.

( laughs )

I just wantedto put that out there.

I woke up this morningwith sex on my brain.

I had this steamy, steamy,hot, hot sex dream,

oh, where I was making loveto George Washington.

Actually, he wasmaking love to me.

And I was justkeeping real still.

Like it's done.

And everything was going better

than I could haveever hoped in my dream,

when all of a suddentowards the end,

out of nowhere, my vaginaturned into an avocado pit

and ruined everything.

And I woke up,and I was just like...

( groans )

"I have issues."

I'm...

both historical and sexual.

I was just going to write out

a list of goals to help me

get past whatever'sgoing on up here.

And the first goal that I wrote

was just to go aheadand let myself fall in love.

With a prisoner.

Of war.

And that's directly coming from

a dream I hada couple nights ago.

I was escorting a prisonerof war across some land mines,

and we were quarantined

by the Vietcongin an abandoned warehouse.

And they weredoing things with bamboo

that I did not think possible.

Oh, my God.

I was so mad when I woke up.

So mad.

Um...

Another goal that I have

is to learn how to playthe ukulele.

Be fun.

And to stop takingmy clothes off for money.

But I need money.

That is a ridiculous goal.

That's...

Gonna cross that one off.

Stupid.

Another goal I have isto put a stop to some rumors

that have beengoing around about me.

I was in the ladies' roomearlier tonight,

and I was in the stall.

I can hear, okay?

And some womenwere talking about

how I put out, okay?

And that's just not the case.

I don't put out.

Unless I'm askedvery, very politely.

And that's not putting out;that's just giving in.

Yeah.

Thank you. Thank you.

There's a difference.There's a difference.

A fourth goal that I have--

and this is very ambitious,but I don't care--

I'm just gonna go aheadand find Amelia Earhart,

whatever it takes.

Every day that goes by,I just fear the worst for her.

And I have written

several letters to George Bush.

But I'm gonna tell everyonesomething right now--

he does not givean ( bleep ) about her, okay?

Or black people.

My name is Chad Daniels.

That's a horrible name when I go

to the Deep South,'cause I always

get that drunk redneck,you know?

"Hey, boy, your name Daniels?

"Whoo!

"You related to Jack?

Ha ha!"( imitates gunshots )

Now I have to explainto this guy

Jack Daniel's hasan apostrophe in it, right?

And one guy honestly said,he goes,

"You mean he followed Jesus?"

"Yeah, sir, he was one ofthe 12 apostrophes.

"Way to go.

Why don't you go color?"

Like an apostrophe would everfollow Jesus, right?

They'd have to give upall their earthly possessions,

and, hello, their main jobis to show ownership.

Every time I tell that joke,

an English teachergets their wings.

I was watching on CNN,

they're gonna try to reformSocial Security again.

Listen, here's how we take careof Social Security:

we kill old people.

'Cause not only...I know, hear me out.

I'm saying, like, not onlyare they using up all our money,

they're using up all our air.

You ever seen an old person?They're breathing.

( chuckles )"I'm breathing, I'm breathing."

And then they have their owntank of air in the back.

They're saving it.

So I'm saying,we get to kill them.

Not shoot them or anything;it has to be creative.

Like, if they're everwalking across the street

in a crosswalkwith their old head,

'cause their old neckcan't hold it up,

you just go upbehind them, go...

( imitates loud car horn )

Yeah.

Now they're dead.

Here's the thing.Here's the thing.

If life expectancy is 75and you kill a 74-year-old,

you only have to spendone year in prison.

If life expectancy is 75and you kill an 80-year-old,

five years credit.

And then you hold ontothat credit like tickets

from Chuck E. Cheeseafter you played skee ball.

And then one day, you're like,"Go mow the lawn, son."

And he's like,"Kiss my ( bleep ), Dad."

Stab. Tickets. You're even.

My wife is a genetics professor,

which sounds really coolon paper, but so did communism.

How'd that work outfor everybody?

Her friends are ass ( bleep ).

They always try to belittle me,

'cause they have PhDsand I didn't finish college.

One night we were out gettingdinner, and this guy was like,

"So, Chad, have you everhad Indian food?"

I was like,"Hello? Thanksgiving."

The pilgrims didn'tbring everything, white man.

Nice buckles.

Let's go getsome pumpkin pie, Professor.

Even if you don't like the joke,

you have to admit,the choreography is amazing.

Two steps and a quick turn.

Oh, that is some straightPaula Abdul stuff right there.

My wife has an English friend,and she's always bragging:

"We invented your language.

You wouldn't even havea language if it wasn't for us."

"You spelled 'pneumonia'with a P.

"Good thinking.

'Gnat' starts with a Gin this country."

She goes, "You know what?They're silent."

"You know what?You better be silent...

before I stab you in the facewith a k-nife."

One day, she was at our house,holding our wedding pictures.

She goes, "I don't knowwhy she married you."

I was like, "I do.

"See the ring bearer?That's our son.

Who's the dummy now?"

To be fair, I didn't thinkI had to use birth control.

I thought her eggswould be so smart,

they'd turn my dumb-ass spermaway at the door, you know?

My sperm would swim upall cocky, be like,

"Hey, baby, what's shaking?"

Her eggs would be all smart,they'd be like,

"Photosynthesis, butthole."

My sperm would be all confused.

Be like, "All right.

Have fun with your camera."

That's a great sperm.

Look at that again,different angle.

Nah, it's cool.I used to be one.

I'm glad you laughed at that.

You know who hates that joke?Test-tube babies.

( groans )

"I never got to be a zygote.Boo-hoo-hoo."

"Put your shirt back on,you no-belly-button freak.

There's kids at the pool."

Oh, laugh it up, ma'am.

They don't have feelings.

But they do have wings.

I don't know if that's true,but it should be.

If you're gonna take the timeto mix up a kid in a dish,

put some cool ( bleep ) on him.

I'd have my own Swiss Army baby.

How great would that be?

"How come that guy's limping?"

"'Cause his leg'sa guitar, dude."

( imitates guitar strumming )

Free bird.

I can't wait till they canput wings on humans.

'Cause they canput wings on humans,

they can put wings on pigs.

When they can put wings on pigs,

lots of pretty girlsfrom college owe me sex.