Thank You Very Cool

  • 01/29/2011

Nick Kroll shares the horrors of the DMV, describes the complications of packing while drunk and wonders about Michael Jackson's bizarre life.

UH, I FEEL HONESTLY

LIKE THIS IS, LIKE,MY SECOND BAR MITZVAH.

AND I'M HOPINGTHAT THIS ENDS

WITH A HAND JOBFROM A 13-YEAR-OLD GIRL AS WELL.

UH, I CAN'T THANK YOU GUYSENOUGH FOR COMING OUT,

AND I KNOW YOU WERE LOOKINGFOR SOME COMEDY,

AND THERE WILL BE SOME,BUT--BUT I...

I WAS AT THE DMV YESTERDAY,

AND THERE'S, LIKE,EVERY WALK OF LIFE IN THE DMV.

LIKE,IT FEELS KIND OF LIKE

YOU'VE WALKEDINTO THE STAR WARS BAR.

THERE'S, LIKE, FAT ASIAN KIDSON LEASHES RUNNING AROUND,

SOME ALIEN PLAYING, LIKE,FOUR ELECTRIC CLARINETS

AT THE SAME TIME.

♪ YANEK YAK YAKYANEK YAK YOW ♪

MY FAVORITE PERSONI SAW THERE

WAS THIS OLD BLACK WOMAN,

WHO WAS JUST TEACHING A BAGOF SUNFLOWER SEEDS A LESSON.

MY FAVORITE THINGABOUT THE DMV

IS THAT I FEEL ENTIRELYCOMFORTABLE FARTING THERE.

NO OTHER PUBLIC PLACE

WOULD I TREATWITH SUCH DISDAIN.

I WAS STANDING ON LINE,

AND I JUST CROP-DUSTEDTHE WHOLE AREA BEHIND ME.

LIKE, THE NIGHT BEFORE,

I HAD EATEN, LIKE,A TUNA OREO PARMESAN.

AND THEN I HAD, LIKE,A BUNCH OF SHOTS OF RAIL VODKA.

I CAME HOMEAND WAS LIKE,

"WHAT'S A NICE MIDNIGHT SNACK?

BRISKET AND YOGURT."

AND I WAKE UPLATE THE NEXT MORNING FOR WORK,

GRAB, LIKE, A HANDFULOF ALMONDS,

LIKE, "THAT'S BREAKFAST,"

AND THEN, NUT FARTSALL DAY LONG.

AND SO I JUST GET ON LINE,

AND I JUST NAPALMED 'EM.

LIKE,A LITTLE VIETNAMESE GIRL

COULD HAVE RUN OUTON FIRE.

LIKE, IF A PHOTOGRAPHERHAD BEEN THERE,

HE WOULD HAVE WONA PULITZER.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

AND SO THE WOMANBEHIND ME WAS LIKE,

"WELL, I NEVER."

AND I WAS LIKE, "PAYYOUR PARKING TICKETS ON TIME?

THAT'S WHY YOU GOTTA SMELLMY NUT FARTS!"

OKAY.

AND MASHED POTATOES

AND SPAGHETTIAND TWINKIES.

I LOVE FOOD.

FOOD IS SEXY TO ME.

BUT YOU DON'T CONTROLMY BODY!

I'M GONNA HAVEAN ABORTION.

BUT YOU TRY TO CHOP ME DOWNAT MY KNEES.

YOU TRY TO TAKEWHO I AM

AND WHAT I BELIEVE IN,AND MY FEELINGS,

AND MY FEELMOTIONS,AND MY EMOTINGS,

WHICH ARE THE FEELINGSIN MY MOLARS.

CHOP CHOP

ON INSECURITY.

CHOP CHOP

ON CELERY,

WHICH HAS

NO CARBS.

WHAT I KNOW IS THATONE IN EVERY TEN BLACK MEN

IN AMERICA IS IN JAIL.

I KNOW THAT THREEOUT OF EVERY FIVE ASIAN WOMEN

IS IN JAIL.

AND YET WE MOVE SLOWLYLIKE SNAILS.

ESCARGOT GET YOURSELFA CONSCIENCE.

AND WHERE ARE YOU?

YOU'RE AT THE OLIVE GARDEN.

WHAT CAN YOU EATAT THE OLIVE GARDEN?

TROUT.

WHAT CAN YOU EATAT THE OLIVE GARDEN?

SPAGHETTI.

ALL I KNOW IS THATWHEN I'M AT THE OLIVE GARDEN,

I'M FAMILY,

WHICH MEANS THAT I BORROWED$10,000 FROM THE WAITER

AND NEVER PAID HIM BACK.

BUT ALL YOU DOIS SMOKE YOUR DRUGS

AND YOUR TROUTS,

AND YOU THINK TO YOURSELF,

"WHAT DO I HAVE?I HAVE DOUBTS.

WHAT'S INSIDE OF ME,A CREAM FILLING?"

NO, YOU MOTHER[bleep] TWINKIE,

IT'S NOT A CREAM FEELING.

IT'S A CREAM FILLING.

THAT'S ONE BIG TWINKIE.

THAT'S FROM THE MOVIE GHOSTBUSTERS!

[cheers and applause]

WHEN WE SIT DOWNFOR OUR LAST SUPPER,

AND WE SEE ALL THE PLATESIN FRONT OF US,

MAYBE HAVE A LITTLE TROUT,

MAYBE HAVESOME MASHED POTATOES.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT GOES GOODWITH BOTH OF THOSE?

FRIED CHICKEN.

YOU KNOWWHO LOVES FRIED CHICKEN?

BLACK PEOPLE.

YOU KNOW WHO ELSELOVES FRIED CHICKEN?

EVERYBODY.

THAT [bleep]IS DELICIOUS FOOD.

AND NOW, IT IS MY PLEASURE,LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

DAMAS AND CABALLEROS,

DIRECT ON THIS STAGE,

SECURITY GUARDROBERT BRUSCHA.

- NOT YET?

[cheers and applause]

AH HA HA HA HA HA.

HELLO.MY NAME IS ROBERT BRUSCHA,

AKA BOBBY B,

AKA BOBBY BOTTLESERVICE.

[cheers and applause]

OKAY, VERY COOL.VERY COOL.

OKAY, I'MTHE SECURITY GUARD HERE TODAY,

AND I WANT TO SAY TO YOUFIRST AND FIRST MOSTLY,

SAFETY FIRST.

BUT ALSO...

BE DANGEROUS.

[cheers and applause]

OKAY, SO I'M HERE TO GO OVERSOME DOS AND DON'T DO ITS,

AS FAR AS THE RULESAND REGULATIONS GO

HERE AT THE SHOW, OKAY?

SO, FIRST, NO CELL PHONES,

UNLESS IT'S, LIKE, AN IMPORTANTCALL FROM ONE OF YOUR BOYS.

LIKE, IN MY CASE, THAT WOULD BE,LIKE, JIMMY Z

OR DANNY DO,

'CAUSE, LIKE,HE ALWAYS DOES.

NO DRINKINGTO "ASSESS," OKAY?

WE'VE ALL BEEN THERE, OKAY?

LIKE, I WAS ONCEAND ON A NUMBER OF OCCASIONS,

I'VE BEEN A V.I.P. GUEST

AT A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT UFCTAILGATING EVENTS,

AND ON ONE SUCH OCCASIONS...

I CHALLENGED A SMALL GIRLTO A PUSH-UP COMPETITION.

BUT I HAD JUST SIMULTANEOUSLYAND MOMENTS BEFORE

EATEN A NUMBER OF VODKA-INFUSEDKOBE BEEF SLIDERS.

AT WHICH POINT, I FELLINTO A STATE OF DEHYDRATION,

BECAUSE TO DRINK WATERIS TO SHOW WEAKNESS.

But I do think, like,Facebook and emailing

And texting, like, is really, it's a fine art.

It's like poetry, it'sreally hard to do well.

And that's why I thinkwe should rewardthe great ones

And that's why I wantto have an award ceremony

for textingcalled 'The Textys'.

And it would be like:And the Texty for

Best Blowoff of a CollegeBuddy in Town

for the Weekend...

Goes to Mike for:

"Dunno sleepy let'smeet up next time."

(Laughter)

And the Texty

for Worst Attempt at aBooty Text at 2:30in the Morning

After Watchingthe Movie Wild Things...

goes to Birchman for:

"You up?"

(Laughter)

And the Texty

for Worst Use ofan Exclamation Point

goes to Lauren for:

"I'M SORRY YOURGRANDFATHER DIED!"

(Laughter)

And the Textyfor Best Response

to the Question'Are We Breaking Up?'

goes to Larry for:

"New phone who dis?"

- OH, HELLO.DO YOU DIG ME?

- OH, I'M SORRY.

I THOUGHT THIS WASTHE WOMEN'S RESTROOM.

- OH, YOU'RE VERY MUCHIN THE CORRECT PLACE.

THIS IS THE WOMEN'S BATHROOM.

I'M THE WOMEN'S BATHROOMATTENDANT.

MY NAME ISBOBBY BOTTLESERVICE.

- OH. YOU'RE THAT SECURITY GUARDFROM THE STAGE.

- I'M LIKEA JACK OF ALL CARDS, THOUGH.

I DO, LIKE,BATHROOM ATTENDANCE AS WELL.

- OKAY, WELL, UM,I HAVE A HEADACHE,

AND I WAS HOPING THAT YOU GUYSHAD SOME ASPIRIN.

- OH, OKAY. I CAN GET RIDOF YOUR HEADACHE.

- I REALLY JUST NEEDAN ASPIRIN.

- OH, YEAH, I MEAN,I GOT, LIKE, SELF-TANNER.

- NO, THAT IS WRONGON SO MANY LEVELS.

- OH, I HAVE A SOLUTION.COLOGNE?

- NO, THAT'S NOT GONNA HELP MEWITH MY HEADACHE.

- OKAY, WHAT ABOUT STEROIDSFOR YOUR HEADACHE?

- OH, MY GOD!

- WHAT?- NO.

NO! PUT THAT--I AM NOT.

NO, I'M NOT INTERESTED.

- OH, OKAY.

THIS IS FOR FRESH BREATHFOR KISSES.

- CLOSER, BUT I DON'T--OKAY, NO, NO, NO.

I FEEL TRAPPED, BECAUSEI DO HAVE TO USE THE BATHROOM,

SO I HAVE TO INTERACTWITH YOU.

I FIND YOU REPULSIVE.

- THANK YOU.

I LOVE YOU. HA HA.

[loud sniffing]- OH, MY GOD.

both: OHH!

HELLO.

- WE'RE JUST DOINGA LITTLE KEY BUMP OF COCAINE.

- SWEETHEART, YOU WANT TO DOA LITTLE KISS OF COCAINE?

- HEY, LET ME ASK YOUANOTHER QUESTION.

ARE YOUONE OF THOSE PROSTITUTES

WE HEARD ABOUT ON 20/20?

- A WHAT?

- AND "B," IF SO,

DO YOU ACCEPT DISCOVER CARD?

- AND "C," DO YOU ACCEPT

EXPIRED DINERS CLUB CARD?

- OKAY, I DON'T EVEN KNOWWHAT YOU GUYS ARE DOING IN HERE.

THIS ISTHE WOMEN'S RESTROOM.

- 'CAUSE WE CLOGGEDTHE MEN'S TOILET

WITH HUMMUS SHITS.

- IT LOOKSLIKE JONESTOWN IN THERE.

- SWEETHEART, COME BACK.

WE WANTED TO TELL YOU SECRETSWITH OUR GENITALIA.

I WANNA HAVE KIDS ONE DAY.

AND BESIDES THE FACTTHAT HAVING A CHILD

MEANS THAT YOU'RE CONSTANTLYSAVING SOMETHING'S LIFE,

WHAT KIND OF SCARES ME

IS THAT I'M GONNA HAVE TOEXPLAIN CERTAIN THINGS TO HIM,

LIKE HOW THE HOLOCAUSTHAPPENED

OR, LIKE, WHAT 9/11 WAS

OR WHO EXACTLYMICHAEL JACKSON WAS.

AND BEFORE YOU GET YOUR PANTIESALL IN A BUNCH ABOUT IT,

LET'S JUST REMEMBERTHAT BEFORE MICHAEL DIED,

ALL WE DID WASMAKE FUN OF HIM.

AND JUST BECAUSE HE'S DEAD

DOES NOT MEANHE WASN'T HILARIOUS.

SO CAN WE ALL GET ON BOARDWITH THIS?

WONDERFUL.[cheers and applause]

SO I'M GONNA HAVE A KID,AND THE KID'S GONNA BE LIKE,

"DADDY,WHO WAS MICHAEL JACKSON?"

BE LIKE, "OH, HE WASTHIS AMAZING MUSICIAN

AND DANCER AND SINGER."

"WELL, WHAT DID HE LOOK LIKE?"

"UH..."

"WELL, WHEN HE WASA LITTLE BOY,

"HE WAS THIS REALLY HANDSOMELITTLE BLACK KID

WITH VERY KIND EYESAND A VERY SWEET SMILE."

"WHAT ABOUT IN HIS TWENTIES?"

"IN HIS TWENTIES,

MICHAEL LOOKED KIND OF LIKETHE JAZZY LIZARD KING."

"WHAT ABOUTWHEN HE WAS OLDER?

YOU CAN GIVE MEVARIOUS EXAMPLES."

"THAT'S FUCKING COOL OF YOU.

IS IT WEIRDTHAT I SWEAR IN FRONT OF YOU?"

"I ONLY SEE YOU,LIKE, ONCE A MONTH."

"IT'S 'CAUSE YOUR MOM'SA BITCH."

"WHAT DID HE LOOK LIKE?"

"ALL RIGHT, UM...

"HE LOOKED KIND OF LIKE A...

LIKE A SQUIRREL SKELETONWITH FRIGHTENED EYES."

"DID HE HAVE ANY FRIENDS?"

"YEAH, HE WAS GOOD FRIENDSWITH A MONKEY FOR A WHILE."

"THAT SEEMSLIKE A RED FLAG."

"I KNOW,WE DIDN'T SEE IT.

"I DON'T KNOWWHAT TO TELL YOU.

"WE DIDN'T SEE IT.

HE PUT HIMIN A MUSIC VIDEO."

"WHO WAS MAGIC JOHNSON?"

"HE WAS A BASKETBALL PLAYER."

"WAS THERE ANYTHING ELSETHAT WAS INTERESTING ABOUT HIM?"

"UH...

"WELL, MAGIC WAS HIV-POSITIVE,

"BUT HE FOUND A COCKTAILOF DRUGS THAT WORKED FOR HIM,

"HE LIVEDFOR A LONG, LONG TIME,

AND, EVENTUALLY,HE DIED OF OLD AIDS."

"DID MICHAEL HAVE A FAMILY?"

"YEP. YES, HE DID.

"UH, HE HADA BUNCH OF BROTHERS,

AND THEY ALL LOOKEDLIKE SHINY CARL LEWIS."

"WHAT DID HIS DADDYLOOK LIKE?"

"HIS DAD...

"WHO I LEARNED MOSTOF MY PARENTING SKILLS FROM,

"LOOKED KIND OF LIKE

IF A CALIFORNIA RAISIN[bleep]ED THE DEVIL."

CATS OR DOGS, GUYS?

all: DOGS!

- CATS?ANYBODY SAY CATS?

- WHOO!

- CATS?

THE GIRL THAT LOOKS LIKESHE LIKES CATS LIKES CATS?

WELL, JUST SO YOU KNOW,UH, YOU'RE WRONG.

CATS ARETHE FUCKING WORST.

[cheers and applause]

I HATE CATS.

THEY'RE SO COLDAND INDIFFERENT.

LIKE, A DOGWILL BRING YOU A NEWSPAPER,

ACCORDING TO CARTOONSTHAT I WATCH.

CAT'LL BE LIKE,

"OH.

"OH, YOU WANTED A NEWSPAPER?

"OH, I THOUGHT YOU WANTEDTHIS DECAPITATED RAT CARCASS.

OOPSIES."

I HAVE NEVER SEENA BLIND PERSON

WITH A CAT BEFORE.

SEEN A WHOLE LOT OF DOGSWITH THEM.

BLIND PERSON'S LIKE, "HEY, DOG,LET'S GO THE LIBRARY."

DOG'S LIKE,"YOU GOT IT!

"I DON'T CARETHAT YOU'RE BLIND

"AND YOU WANT TO GOTO THE LIBRARY.

LET'S DO THIS!"

IT'S LIKE, "HOW DO YOUKNOW WHERE THE LIBRARY IS?"

"GOOGLE MAPS, BRO."

CAT'S LIKE, "OH, YOU WANTEDTO GO TO THE LIBRARY?

"OH, I THOUGHT YOU WANTEDTO HANG OUT

UNDER THIS RADIATORFOR SIX HOURS."

- HEY, WHOSE CAT IS THIS?

- MINE. HE WAS LONELY,SO I BROUGHT HIM.

- OKAY, WELL,I'M ALLERGIC TO CATS.

- YOU'RE SUPER LOWON CRU D'ETE.

IS THERE SOMEONEWE COULD TALK TO?

- I KNOW. I'M JUST TRYINGTO GET THE SET READY FOR...

- I'M HUNGRY.

- OKAY, I'LL GET IT.

OH, I THINK THEY NEEDMORE CRU D'ETE

IN THE GREEN ROOM.THANKS, MAN.

- CRU D'ETE?

EXCUSE ME!

I AM AN ARTIST, OKAY?

LOOK AT WHATI HAVE CREATED.

WHO TOOK THE STRING CHEESEOUT OF THE BOWL, OKAY?

THIS ISFOR DECORATION PURPOSES!

NO! NO!

ABSOLUTELY NO!

HELLO, CREW? YES.

THERE HAS BEENA STRING CHEESE INCIDENT,

AND ITIS UNACCEPTABLE, OKAY?

DO NOT TOUCH MY CRAFT SERVICESTABLE, ALL RIGHT?

IT IS MY ART.

IT IS MY CANVAS.

WOULD YOU GO UPTO A VAN GOGH PAINTING

AND SMEAR [bleep]DIARRHEA ON IT?

NO, YOU WOULDN'T.

[walkie-talkie crackling]SECURITY! HELLO?

- TSK.OH, DEMANDS OF THE JOB.

LIKE, I'M SECURITY.

[cash register rings]

IS IT ALL RIGHTIF I WAND YOU RIGHT NOW?

- SURE, YEAH.

[wand beeping and whistling]

[rhythmic beeping]

- WE COULD MAKEBEAUTIFUL MUSIC TOGETHER.

- I'M SORRY?

- OKAY, NO, BUT I HEARDSOMETHING,

SO NOW I HAVETO SEARCH YOU

BECAUSE OF, LIKE,THE WAR ON TERROR.

LIKE, REST IN PEACE!

- ALL RIGHT,I THINK I'M ALL SAFE.

- OH, OKAY.YOU KNOW WHAT?

THE ONLY THING DANGEROUSABOUT YOU

IS THAT I COULDFALL IN LOVE WITH YOU.

- HEY, TAKE CARE.

- THANK YOU. VERY COOL.

OKAY, BABE. NEXT.

NO, BRO, GET OUT OF HERE.

- UGH. I HAVEN'T BEENON A LINE THIS LONG

SINCE THEY WERE GIVING OUT

FREE DIAPHRAGMSAT THAT HIGH SCHOOL.

[jazz riff]

- I HEARD THIS IS FOR ONEOF THOSE COMIC RELIEF SHOWS.

- OOH, I LOVE COMIC RELIEF.- YEAH, SURE.

- WHOOP GOLDBERG.

- BILL CRYSTAL.

- YOU KNOW WHOTHE HOTTEST YOUNG COMIC

ON THE MARKET IS TODAY?- WHO'S THAT?

- PAUL REISER.- OH, FROM MAD 'BOUT YOU.

- HE'S FUNNY.- HE IS.

- HE'S...

both: NATURALLY FUNNY.

I LOVE COMEDYMORE THAN ANYTHING

AND I'M LUCKYTHAT I GET TO DO IT,

BECAUSE I'M REALLY NOT CAPABLEOF DOING ANYTHING ELSE.

LIKE, I--I REMEMBERI USED TO GO ON JOB INTERVIEWS,

AND I WOULD GET SO PANICKY,

AND THEY'D THROWSO MANY CURVEBALLS AT YOU.

LIKE I REMEMBER THIS ONEINTERVIEW, THE GUY WAS LIKE,

"SO, NICK, WHAT'SYOUR GREATEST WEAKNESS?"

AND I WAS BEING INTERVIEWEDBY TIM GUNN FROM PROJECT RUNWAY.

I JUST PANICKED.I WAS JUST LIKE,

"UMMM!

I GUESS MY GREATEST WEAKNESSIS THAT I HAVE NO STRENGTHS."

[panting, sighs]

BUT I DO BELIEVEYOU HAVE TO FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS,

AND, UH, THAT'S WHY

I ACTUALLY KEEPA DREAMCATCHER ABOVE MY BED.

BUT THEN, LIKE,JUST TO BE FAIR,

I KEEP A PICTURE OF MY DADNEXT TO IT,

SO THAT I CAN HAVEA DREAMCRUSHER THERE AS WELL.

DOING COMEDY, I, UH...

I TRAVEL A LOT.

I'M IN AIRPORTSCONSTANTLY.

WHAT I DON'T UNDERSTANDGOING TO THE AIRPORT

IS I'VE SEEN, LIKE,A CRAZY GROWTH

IN THE AMOUNT OF SHOPPINGTHAT HAPPENS AT AIRPORTS,

OR THE AMOUNT OF STORESTHAT ARE IN AIRPORTS.

LIKE, WHO'S MAKINGBIG-TICKET PURCHASES

AT THE AIRPORTS?

LIKE, WHO SPECIFICALLY

IS BUYING A SUITCASEAT THE AIRPORT?

'CAUSE THEY'RE SELLINGA CRAP-TON OF THEM THERE.

LIKE, WHO'S ROLLING UPTO THE AIRPORT LIKE,

"WHAT DID I FORGET?

"UH, DROPPED A SOCK.HOLD ON A SECOND.

"GOT MY CELL PHONE CHARGER.

"WHAT DID--OH, DROPPEDTHAT SAME SOCK AGAIN.

"ALL RIGHT, THERE WE GO.

OH, THAT'S RIGHT!A SUITCASE!"

[panting]

BUT ALL OF THATI CAN UNDERSTAND.

I DON'T UNDERSTANDIF YOU GO TO THE MAGAZINE SHOP

AT THE AIRPORT,YOUR HUDSON NEWS,

WHO IS BUYING PORNO MAGAZINESAT THE AIRPORT?

'CAUSE THEY'RESELLING THEM THERE

IN A SECTION CALLED"MEN'S INTERESTS."

WHO'S ROLLING UPAND IT'S LIKE,

"ALL RIGHT,LET'S SEE, UM..."

[pops lips]

"LET ME GETA BAG OF TRAIL MIX

"THAT I'LL EATONE HANDFUL OF

"AND THEN KEEP IN MY BACKPACKFOR SIX WEEKS.

"HMM, BLACK POLES, WHITE HOLES LOOKS LIKE A GOOD MAGAZINE.

"AND A $23 BOTTLEOF DASANI WATER,

YOU OKAY?

- CAN I JUST HAVEA GLASS OF WHITE WINE?

- ACTUALLY, UH,ONCE THE SHOW STARTS,

WE DON'T SERVEANYMORE ALCOHOL.

- OH, CRAP.- WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?

- CAN WE AT LEAST HAVETWO EMPTY MARTINI GLASSES?

OR IS THAT ALSO ILLEGAL,DICK CHENEY?

- TOPICAL.

- AND NOW A, UH,BOTTLE OF VODKA, PLEASE.

- THIS IS A TV TAPING,

SO THERE ARE RULESABOUT ALCOHOL.

- ARE YOU JOKING ME?

WE GOT WASTEDAT THAT WEBSTER TV TAPING

WE WENT TO.

- FROM WHAT I REMEMBER, WEBSTER WAS A SHOW

ABOUT A SMALL BLACK MAN

WHO'S OWNED BYTWO REGULAR-SIZE WHITE PEOPLE.

- HE WASN'T OWNED,YOU WEIRD LIBERAL RACIST.

- WHOA!- 'SCUSE ME.

- WE ARE NOT RACISTS.TELL HIM, GIL.

- I STALKED PHYLICIA RASHADFOR THREE MONTHS.

- A JUDGE HAD TO GET INVOLVED.- SO...

- LOOK, YOU GUYS, I'M SORRYFOR GIVING YOU SUCH A HARD TIME.

IT'S JUST THAT I'M GOINGTHROUGH PROBLEMS WITH MY GIRL.

- YOU KNOWWHAT YOU NEED TO DO THERE?

THAT'S OKAY.

YOU NEED TO GET INTO SOME OF THAT GOOD DIRTY TALK.

YOU KNOW--SHAKER, PLEASE.

- OR YOU KNOWWHAT YOU DO IS YOU SAY,

"OOH, TOUCHMY LITTLE JEWISH DANGLER

"TILL IT GETS CHUBBY

AND CRIES YOGURT."- YEAH.

- GEORGE, WHAT DO YOU SAYIN THE BEDROOM?

- NO ONE TALKSDURING THE ACT.

ALL RIGHT, VODKA IN.

NOW, IF YOU COULDJUST GET ME

A COUPLE OF CANSOF TUNA FISH.

- OBVIOUSLY.

- UH, WE DON'T HAVE TUNA.

- YOU DON'T HAVE TUNA?

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN,YOU DON'T HAVE TUNA FISH?

- I AM CARRYING.

- WE'RE MAKINGTUNA-TINI, BABY.

- SOME PEOPLE KNOW ITAS A MARTUNA.

- THE LESBIAN COMMUNITY

KNOWS IT ASTHE MARTUNA NAVRATILOVA.

- THERE'S A FUNNY STORYABOUT THIS DRINK.

I WAS HAVING LUNCHWITH DICK VAN PATTEN,

AND I TURNED TO DICKAT ONE POINT,

AND I SAID, "DICK,THERE'S TOO MUCH TUNA

"IN YOUR TUNA-TINI,

BUT MY MARTUNANEEDS MORE TUNA,"

AND WE LAUGHED OVER IT.

- AND I THEN SUBMITTED THAT

TO THE "TALK OF THE TOWN"IN NEW YORKER MAGAZINE.

- AND THEY CANCELLEDOUR SUBSCRIPTIONS.

- SO...- SO...

LET'S ADD A LITTLE VODIKA

TO THIS.

- TO THE NICK KROLL COMEDY SPECIAL...

NOT.

- [laughs]LIKE DWAYNE'S WORLD.

- MMM.

- YOU KNOW WHAT?

both: YOU CAN REALLYTASTE THE TUNA.

- THANK YOUFOR THE HOSPITALITY.

NUEVE UNO UNO PUNTO NUEVE

DOT COM!

AND I'M HERE WITH A BABY!

QUE PASA, BABY?

QUE PASA, BABY?

"SOY UN BEBE!"

THAT'S WHAT I SAID,YOU'RE A BABY!

AND I'M HEREWITH AN OLD MAN.

QUE PASA, OLD MAN?

"HEY THERE.

YO SOY MUY VIEJO."

YEAH, YOU'RE REALLY OLD,YOU OLD MAN.

AND WHAT ISMY THIRD GUEST?

"YO SOY UN GOAT."

OH! HELLO, GOAT!

KOO KOO RIKOO! KOO KOO RIKOO!

HOW ARE YOUFEELING TODAY?

"I'M VERY HUNGRY.

TENGO HAMBRE."

OH, YOU'RE HUNGRY, GOAT?

WHAT WOULD YOU EATIF YOU COULD EAT ANYTHING?

"GARBAGE."

THAT'S RIGHT,YOU STUPID GOAT.

I WILL SUCK YOUR BLOOD!

"NO! DON'T SUCK MY BLOOD!"

[imitating baby crying]

"GOO GOO GWAH."

"HE DON'T LIKE ITWHEN YOU ARGUE."

OH, YOU'RE TALKINGTO ME, OLD MAN?

I FIGHT YOUWITH MY FISTS!

"NO, DON'T FIGHTWITH THE FISTS."

"GOO GOO GWAH!"

EVERYBODY BE QUIET!

WE HAVE TO GET BACKTO THE SHOW.

"WHAT'S THE SHOW?"

I DON'T KNOW.

IT'S SOME GRINGONAMED NICK KROLL.

"WHO IS HE?"

[mutters]

"HE DOESLOTS OF CHARACTERS."

OH, SO YOU KNOW

ABOUT ALTERNATIVE COMEDY,OLD MAN?

"SI.

I VISIT WEBSITES."

HEY, GOAT,YOU STUPID GOAT,

IT'S TIME TO DOTHE TRAFFIC REPORT.

[bleats]

"AY, MUCHO TRAFICO."

OKAY, THANK YOUFOR THE TRAFFIC REPORT.

[maracas shaking,horns beep]

IT'S NOW TIMEFOR THE JOKE OF THE DAY,

THE JOKE OF THE DAY!THE JOKE OF THE DAY!

WHAT IS WORSE THAN FINDINGA WORM IN YOUR APPLE?

AIDS.

AIDS IS WORSE.

IT'S A DEBILITATING VIRUS!

IF YOU'RE STILL USING PORNOMAGAZINES

YOU'RE BASICALLY TELLINGEVERYONE

THAT YOU HAVE NO IDEAWHAT THE INTERNET IS.

USING A PORNO MAGAZINEIS BEING LIKE,

"OH, I DON'T USE LUBRICANTWHEN I HAVE SEX.

I JUST USETHIS CUP OF SAND."

AND THEN YOU GET ON THE PLANEWITH YOUR PORNO MAGAZINE?

WHAT ARE YOU, LIKE, YOU'RE--

IT'S LIKE, "EXCUSE ME,STEWARDESS?

I'M GONNA NEEDA BLANKET, PLEASE."

TRAVELING A LOT,I, UH...I DRUNK PACK.

DO WE ALL KNOWWHAT DRUNK PACKING IS?

[cheers and applause]

RIGHT? JUST LIKEYOU COME HOME, YOU'RE LIKE...

"GONNA WATCH THIS EXTENZEINFOMERCIAL ON 'SILENT.'"

"POUR MYSELF A CUP OF WATER

AND THEN FORGET ABOUT ITON THIS TABLE."

"AND NOW IT IS TIMETO PACK

FOR MY FIVE-DAY TRIPTO JAMAICA."

"WHAT DO I NEED FOR FIVE DAYSIN JAMAICA?

ONE UNDERWEARS."

"SIX BOW TIES."

[laughing]

[long squealing laugh]

"I'M GONNA BRINGTHIS BULKY SANTA SUIT

WITH ME TO JAMAICA!"

"IT'S GONNA BESO HOT IN JAMAICA.

"BIRCHMAN'S GONNA BE LIKE,

"'DUDE, WHY DID YOUBRING A SANTA SUIT?'

"AND THEM I'M GONNA BE LIKE,

"'DUDE, WHY DID YOUTOUCH YOUR DOG'S DICK

WHEN WE WERE KIDS?'"

"I'M GONNA BRINGSOME WEED,

"'CAUSE I DON'T KNOWIF THEY'RE GONNA HAVE

ANY WEED IN JAMAICA."

"WHAT'S THIS?"

"PICTURESFROM SEVENTH GRADE?"

"I SHOULD PROBABLY LOOK AT THESEFOR 45 MINUTES."

I LOVE, LIKE,MID-'90s HIP-HOP,

LIKE TUPAC AND BIGGIE,RIGHT?

- WHOO!

- WHOO! GIVE IT UPFOR WHITE PEOPLE!

DRIVES ME CRAZYTHAT THOSE DUDES GOT KILLED,

AND WE NEVER FIGURED OUTWHO DID IT.

NOT FUNNY...

YET.

JUST GIVE IT,LIKE, 30 SECONDS.

IT'S CRAZY TO ME THAT TUPACAND BIGGIE GOT KILLED,

AND WE NEVER FIGURED OUTWHO DID IT.

AND I'M LIKE,YOU KNOW WHAT,

WE'VE BEEN GOING AT ITTHE WRONG WAY.

LIKE, WHO STOOD TO PROFITTHE MOST FROM THEIR DEATHS?

AND THAT'S WHEN I REALIZE

THAT IT WAS THE AIRBRUSHPORTRAIT ARTISTS.

AND I WOULD NOT BE SURPRISED

IF THE HUGEDENIM JACKET INDUSTRY

HAD SOMETHINGTO DO WITH IT AS WELL.

IF THERE'S, LIKE, A FIRE,

PUT IT OUT.

ALSO, IF THERE'S,LIKE, AN EARTHQUAKE,

JUST BE LIKE,"NOT TODAY."

FOR THOSE OF YOUWHO DON'T KNOW,

AN EARTHQUAKE,AS A SCIENTIST SPEAKING,

IS LIKE A PLATONIC SHIFT.

SO THAT'S LIKE WHENONE PART OF THE EARTH IS LIKE,

"OH, LET'S JUST BE FRIENDS."

AND THE OTHER PARTOF THE EARTH IS LIKE,

"NO, I BOUGHT YOU DINNER.LET'S DO THIS."

I WOULD SAY TO YOU ALSO,

LIKE, I'MNOT ONLY A SECURITY GUARD,

BUT I DO A NUMBEROF OTHER THINGS PROFESSIONALLY.

LIKE FOR EXAMPLE,

I AM THE AUTHOR OF A NUMBEROF EARLY STAGE PYRAMID SCHEMES.

I'M ALSOA RECORD PRODUCER.

SO, LIKE, HIT ME UPON MYSPACE OR WHATEVER.

YOU CAN FIND MEUNDER MY DJ NAME,

WHICH ISDJ ORIENTAL IMMIGRANT,

BECAUSE, LIKE, I LAY DOWNCRAZY TRACKS.

AND, LIKE,THAT'S NOT RACIST,

'CAUSE I JERK OFFTO ASIAN GIRLS.

SO IN A SUMMARIZATIONFINALITY

OF WHAT I COULD BESAYING TO YOU,

AND I WILL SAY,AND IT WILL BE ON MY TOMBSTONE.

IN CONCLUSION,REMEMBER,

VODKA,

JESUS,

REVENGE.

[cheers and applause]

AND, LIKE...

MY FRIEND ONE TIME WAS LIKE,

"YOU SHOULD, LIKE,BE CASUAL.

JUST, LIKE,GO ON A COFFEE DATE."

I'M LIKE,WHO GOES ON COFFEE DATES?

HAS ANYONE HERE EVER BEENON A COFFEE DATE BEFORE?

IT SEEMSLIKE THE WORST IDEA.

IT'S LIKE,"GO ON A COFFEE DATE."

OH, YEAH,'CAUSE MY BEST FOOT FORWARD

IS JITTERY WITH DIARRHEAAND COFFEE BREATH.

FOR THE SAKEOF THIS NEXT JOKE,

LIKE, I'M NOT GREATAT SEX, AND...

LIKE, ON A SCALEOF ONE TO PRINCE,

ONE BEING THE WORST

AND FOR SOME REASONIN MY MIND,

PRINCE IS THE BEST PERSONIN THE WORLD AT SEX.

AND I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S, LIKE,THE PERIWINKLE EYE SHADOW,

OR, LIKE,THE VELOUR ONESIES.

BUT I PICTURE PRINCELIKE THIS TINY HUMMINGBIRD

WHO JUST COMES UPAND JUST SORT OF LIKE

[bleep] YOUFOR, LIKE, TWO HOURS,

AND YOU'RE JUST LIKE,

[crying]"THANK YOU, PRINCE!

THANK YOU!"

AND HE'S JUST LIKE...

"YOU'RE WELCOME."

SO ON THAT SCALEOF ONE TO PRINCE,

I WOULD SAYI'M LIKE JIM BELUSHI.

BY ROUND OF APPLAUSE,

WHO HERE THINKS

THAT WE SHOULD CHANGE THE NAMEOF THE CHEESECAKE FACTORY

TO THE DIARRHEA REFINERY?

[applause]

GOOD ENOUGH.

I DRIVE BY THAT PLACE,

AND I'M LIKE, "OOF.

"OOF MAGOOF.

SHOULDN'T HAVE THOUGHT ABOUTTHE TUNA OREO PARMESAN."

AND I JUST WANT TO ADDRESS

THAT I KNOWTHAT I TALK ABOUT FARTING

AND POOPINGAND DIARRHEA A LOT.

AND I WANT YOU TO KNOWI DO IT

'CAUSE I THINKIT'S SO FUNNY.

EVEN MORE THAN TALKINGABOUT DIARRHEA,

I LIKE TO GOOGLETHE WORD DIARRHEA,

BUT THEN SPELL IT WRONG,

'CAUSE THEN GOOGLE HAS TO BELIKE, "DID YOU MEAN DIARRHEA?"

AND THEN I'M JUST LIKE,"GOOGLE, GROW UP!"

IT'S LIKE YOU CAN'TTAKE A CAT ANYWHERE.

YOU CAN TAKEA DOG TO THE BEACH,

THROW A FRISBEEAROUND WITH HIM.

TAKE A CAT TO THE BEACH,CAT'S LIKE,

"UM, PARDON MEOW."

"BUT BEFORE I DON'T GOINTO THE WATER,

"BECAUSE THAT'S GROSS,

"AND THE ONLY WAYTO CLEAN ONESELF

"IS WITH ONE'SWEIRD SANDPAPER TONGUE,

"I WAS WONDERING,IS THERE A BABY ABOUT,

BECAUSE I WANT TO SCRATCHSOMETHING IN THE FACE."

AND THEN THEY WALKAWAY LIKE THIS,

ALWAYS LIKE THAT...

ALWAYS WITH THEIR TAILIN THE AIR...

LIKE THEY THINKTHEY'RE ALL SEXY,

LIKE, "OHH!

BET YOU WANT TO FUCKTHIS CAT ASS, DON'T YOU?"

CAT'S ASSES LOOK LIKEPIZZA-FLAVORED COMBOS.

HOW IS IT THAT A CATIS ONE FOOT TALL,

AND THEIR ASSIS ALWAYS AT EYE LEVEL?

"OHH. NOW I'M GONNA RUB MYSELFAGAINST THIS THING RIGHT HERE,

"JUST IN CASE SOMEBODYSHOWS UP SIX DAYS FROM NOW

"WHO'S ALLERGIC

"AND I'MNOT PERSONALLY HERE

TO MAKE THEM ITCHYAS FUCK."

THE TAIL HAS EVOLVED,BY THE WAY, GUYS.

IT'S UP HERE NOW,

BUT IT USED TO BESORT OF DOWN HERE.

I DO SORT OF A...

LIKE THIS.

[groans]

NOW IT'S LIKE--USED TO BE LIKE THIS,

AND I'D BE LIKE,

"THAT LOOKS KIND OF LIKEA DUCKBILL PLATYPUS."

AND MY BUDDY'S LIKE,"NO.

"THAT LOOKS MORE LIKEYOU'RE, LIKE,

HALFHEARTEDLY THWARTING AWAYA BUTT FUCK."

"COME ON, MAN."

"QUIT IT.

I'M TRYING TO WATCH IDOL, MAN.COME ON."

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