CC Presents: Adele Givens

  • Season 6, Ep 6
  • 05/26/2002

ADELE GIVENS>> WHAT IS UP

NEW YORK?!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

Y'ALL LOOK GOOD AND I AM

SO HAPPY TO BE HERE.

SO GLAD TO BE HERE.

Y'ALL SHOULD BE HAPPY I AM HERE,

TOO.

I FLEW.

(APPLAUSE)

WE ALL KNOW THAT THIS AIN'T THE

BEST SEASON TO BE FLYIN' RIGHT?

I FEEL LIKE A HERO.

I FLEW DURING WARTIME.

I DON'T CARE HOW I DIE; I WANT

A HERO'S HOMECOMING.

IF I SLIP AND FALL FACE FIRST

IN A PILE OF DOG DOO DOO,

I WANT MY FLAG AND MEDALS, OKAY?

IT'S REALLY SCARY TO FLY RIGHT

NOW.

THIS IS NOT THE BEST SEASON.

IT'S OKAY IN THE WINTER.

IT'S OKAY IN THE SPRING.

IT'S OKAY IN THE FALL.

BUT OSAMA TIME JUST AIN'T

A GOOD TIME TO BE FLYING.

PERSONALLY, I HAVE NEVER CARED

FOR FLYING BUT PEOPLE ALWAYS SAY

TO ME, "GIRL, FLYING IS THE

SAFEST WAY TO TRAVEL.

WHAT YOU NERVOUS ABOUT?"

AS THEY PURCHASE THEIR TRAIN

TICKETS.

(LAUGHTER)

BUT THIS IS MY PERSONAL

FAVORITE.

"HUH, YOU CAN'T CONTROL FATE,

WHEN IT'S YOUR TIME YOU GOT

TO GO."

I'M LIKE, "YEAH, WELL, WHAT IF

IT'S THE BITCH SITTING NEXT TO

ME'S TIME?

(LAUGHTER)

I'VE GOT TO LEAVE 'CAUSE THIS

HEIFER'S NUMBER'S UP?"

(APPLAUSE)

YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE IT'S NOT LIKE

I'M GOING TO JUMP UP OUT THE

WRECKAGE AND GO, "WOO, DAMN,

I'M SURE GLAD IT WAS HER TURN.

WHERE'S MY LUGGAGE AT, Y'ALL?"

AND IT'S NEW.

THESE WORDS, I'VE NEVER HEARD

THEM.

I DON'T KNOW IF I'M JUST

IGNORANT.

I MEAN, I DID GO TO SCHOOL

A FEW DAYS.

(LAUGHTER)

I DON'T REMEMBER NONE OF THESE

WORDS.

I'VE NEVER HEARD OF TORA BORA.

I'VE NEVER HEARD OF ALQAEDA.

ANTHRAX.

WHAT IN THE HELL IS TALIBAN?

MY MOMMA NEVER SAID, "GIRL LOOK

ON THE SHELF AND GET ME THAT

TALIBAN."

"PUT A LITTLE ANTHRAX ON IT.

I GOT A HEADACHE."

IT'S NEW STUFF.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

BEING FROM CHICAGO, THE WESTSIDE

AND KNOWING MY HOME GIRLS,

THE WAY I DO, I CAN GUARANTEE

YOU ONE THING.

SOME SISTER THAT I KNOW IS GOING

TO NAME HER BABY TALIBAN.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

YOU KNOW IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN.

ONE DAY YOU GOING TO BE AT THE

FAMILY REUNION AND 'CAUSE SHE'S

GOING TO BE A RELATIVE.

AND YOU GOING TO BE, "OH, RE-RE,

THAT BABY SO CUTE.

WHAT'S HIS NAME?"

"TALIBAN.

WE JUST CALL HIM BAN-BAN."

BUT I DON'T WANT TO DWELL ON

THE WAR BECAUSE IT'S SUCH A

TOUGH, TOUCHY SUBJECT RIGHT NOW.

BUT BEFORE I STOP TALKING ABOUT

IT, I DO HAVE A LEGITIMATE

QUESTION.

ONE LEGITIMATE QUESTION THAT

I'VE BEEN ASKING EVERYBODY

AND NOBODY HAS THE ANSWER.

"WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO THE

EMERGENCY BROADCAST SYSTEM ON

SEPTEMBER 11th?"

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

WE'VE BEEN PRACTICING WITH

THAT BASTARD FOR ALL OUR LIVES,

HAVEN'T WE?

YOU LET HIM INTERRUPT ALL YOUR

PROGRAMMING.

YOU SAID, "OKAY, WHAT THE HELL.

WHAT'S THE ODDS?

I PROBABLY WON'T NEED HIS ASS

BUT I'M GOING TO LISTEN TO THE

PLAN ANYWAY."

YOU CAN RECITE IT.

"THIS IS A TEST OF THE EMERGENCY

BROADCAST SYSTEM.

THIS IS ONLY A TEST.

FOR THE NEXT SIXTY SECONDS, THIS

STATION WILL CONDUCT A TEST."

THEN HE VIOLATED YOUR ASS WITH

ALL THESE NOISES AND YOU

LISTENED.

YOU DIDN'T EVEN LEAVE FOR A

SANDWICH OR NOTHING.

'CAUSE YOU DIDN'T KNOW.

YOU MIGHT NEED THE INFORMATION

ONE DAY.

AND I DON'T KNOW ABOUT Y'ALL

ASS, BUT I THINK 911 WAS THAT

DAMN DAY.

AND YOU DIDN'T HEAR FROM HIM.

AND I'M LIKE WAIT A MINUTE.

IT'S THE SAME GUY.

EVEN AFTER THE COMMERCIAL,

AFTER THE TEST YOU LISTENED.

HE TOLD YOU, "THIS HAS BEEN A

TEST OF THE EMERGENCY BROADCAST

SYSTEM.

HAD THIS BEEN AN ACTUAL

EMERGENCY WE WOULD HAVE INFORMED

YOU WHERE TO GO IN YOUR AREA."

WELL, I'M LOOKING FOR YOU TED

OR WHATEVER YOUR DAMN NAME IS.

SO, I SAY BRING HIS ASS UP ON

CHARGES, FIND OUT HIS SIDE OF

THE STORY.

"WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU ON

SEPTEMBER 11th?"

I KNOW HE GONNA TRY TO LIE

AND PRETEND THAT HE DID RING

THAT BELL.

HE'S GOING TO SAY, "IN ALL

THE EXCITEMENT AND THE CHAOS

Y'ALL DIDN'T HEAR ME.

YOU DIDN'T PAY NO ATTENTION."

WELL, I GOT TAPE.

SOME OF Y'ALL GOT TAPE.

ONE THING YOU HEARD WAS

A LOT OF BACKGROUND NOISE

WHEN THAT SECOND PLANE HIT,

DIDN'T YOU?

BUT YOU DID NOT HEAR, "THIS IS

THE EMERGENCY BROADCAST SYSTEM

BASTARD."

RUN!"

"THIS IS THE DAY WE'VE BEEN

PRACTICING FOR.

GET YOUR (BLEEP) AND GET OUT OF

HERE!"

(APPLAUSE)

THOSE ARE MY LOVELY PARENTS.

NELLI AND LEWIS GIVENS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

YEAH.

Y'ALL GIVE IT UP TO GOD

FOR LETTING THEM BOTH SPEND

THE NIGHT OFF HERE.

'CAUSE THEY BOTH FULL-TIME

EMPLOYEES OF THE LORD RIGHT NOW.

SO Y'ALL GIVE IT UP.

GOD LET THEM COME AND WATCH

THEIR DAUGHTER DO HER THING.

(BLOWS A KISS)

(APPLAUSE)

I WANT TO SHARE A LITTLE

INFORMATION WITH THE LADIES.

BECAUSE A COUPLE OF THEM

COMPLIMENTED ME ON MY OUTFIT

TODAY AND I JUST WANT TO SAY

IT'S NOT DESIGNER.

I DON'T DO THE DESIGNER THING.

I DON'T DO THAT.

TOO MUCH MONEY FOR JUST

SOMEBODY'S NAME IN MY LABEL.

IT JUST DON'T FEEL RIGHT TO ME.

I THINK I GOT A THING THEY CALL

COMMON SENSE.

AH, YOU KNOW.

IT'S KIND OF CONTAGIOUS.

SO, I FIGURED, TONIGHT I'D JUST

EXPLAIN A COUPLE THINGS.

LIKE THIS, YOU KNOW, PEOPLE

TALKING ABOUT BLING-BLING.

SEE THIS, $23.

BLING-BLING LIKE A MUG,

AIN'T IT?

BUT DON'T HUG ME.

I'LL SNAG YOUR MOMMA WITH

THIS BAD BOY, I'M TELLING YOU.

BUT I LOOK GOOD AND THAT'S

WHAT'S IMPORTANT.

I DON'T LIKE TO BUY DESIGNER

CLOTHES 'CAUSE THE SALES GIRLS

ACT TOO SNOTTY.

DON'T THEY LADIES?

DON'T WHEN YOU GO IN THOSE

STORES THESE BITCHES ACT LIKE

THEY BETTER THAN YOU?

(APPLAUSE)

WELL, I'M THE WRONG ONE TO ACT

LIKE THAT WITH.

MANY, MANY TIMES I'VE INFORMED

THEM WHAT THEIR DAMN JOB WAS.

YOU KNOW, I GO IN THERE,

SHE'S LOOKING AT ME ALL SNOTTY

AND I EXPLAIN TO HER "HEY,

YOU SELL STUFF.

'KAY?

IT'S YOUR JOB TO PRICE STUFF

FOR ME, ALL RIGHT?

I KNOW I AIN'T BUYING NOTHING...

(LAUGHTER)

AND YOU KNOW I AIN'T BUYING

NOTHING.

BUT I WANT TO KNOW HOW MUCH THE

(BLEEP) I AIN'T BUYING COSTS."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

NOW...

AND LADIES, THIS IS GOT TO BE

THE WORST, DESIGNER PURSE.

WHAT KIND OF CRAP IS THAT?

IT'S A BAG.

THAT'S ALL IT--

USE YOUR COMMON SENSE,

IT'S A BAG.

AND YOU WOULDN'T EVEN HAVE IT IF

YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO CARRY THINGS

OUT OF THE HOUSE THAT WAS

NECESSARY TO TAKE OUT WHEN YOU

LEAVE, AM I RIGHT?

THEY TELL YOU THE PURSE IS $700.

WHAT YOU GOT IN THERE?

A CELL PHONE?

SOME KEYS?

DEPENDING ON WHICH CLUB

YOU GOING TO SOME LIQUOR.

(LAUGHTER)

AND THAT SAY A WHOLE LOT ABOUT

YOU.

YOU GOT A $700 PURSE AND

YOU GONNA SNEAK A HALF-PINT

INTO THE CLUB IN IT.

YOU A SMART SISTER.

AND I THINK IT'S EPIDEMIC

THIS DESIGNER THING, 'CAUSE NOW

MEN ARE INTO DESIGNER CLOTHES.

MEN DIDN'T EVEN USE TO CARE

ABOUT HOW THEY LOOKED AND

DRESSED.

BUT NOW, FROM THE WESTSIDE

OF CHICAGO, WHERE I'M FROM,

A LOT OF GUYS WEAR ALLIGATOR

SHOES.

WHICH I HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH.

I DIDN'T UNTIL I PRICED SOME OF

THESE SHOES.

I PRICED A PAIR OF ALLIGATOR

SHOES AT $2,000.

THAT'S A $1,000 A FOOT.

$200 A TOE, ADD IT UP.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

IF YOU MISSING A TOE OR TWO,

SUBTRACT WHERE NECESSARY.

BUT I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS FAIR

'CAUSE I KNOW SOME OF THESE

BROTHERS.

AND I KNOW THEY CHILDREN.

AND IT JUST AIN'T FAIR.

YOU KIDS LOOK THIRSTY AND YOU

WALKING AROUND WITH ALLIGATORS

$2,000 SHOES.

IT AIN'T FAIR.

I COULDN'T DO IT 'CAUSE I GOT

RULES FOR MY MONEY.

I WOULD NOT BUY A PAIR OF $2,000

SHOES.

MY RULE IS IF I GOT ON A PAIR OF

$2,000 SHOES; I BETTER NOT STEP

IN NO DOG DOO DOO.

IF I'M WEARING SOME $2,000 SHOES

AND I'M WALKING TOWARDS SOME DOG

DOO DOO, THOSE SHOES BETTER

TURN MY ASS AROUND...

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

AND TAKE ME IN ANOTHER DAMN

DIRECTION.

(APPLAUSE CONTINUES)

AND I FOUND OUT SINCE I'VE BEEN

IN ENTERTAINMENT, THE MORE MONEY

YOU MAKE THE MORE THEY WASTE.

THAT'S RIGHT 'CAUSE MY FRIENDS

LOVE ROLEX WATCHES.

OH, THEY LOVE 'EM.

I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT A ROLEX

WAS.

I COME FROM THE WESTSIDE

OF CHICAGO, PO' BROKE.

I KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS.

TIME TO EAT.

I'M HUNGRY.

I'M TRYING NOT TO THINK ABOUT

THE TIME.

WE BROKE AROUND HERE.

MY FRIEND COME SHOWING ME

HIS WATCH.

HE SAID, "LOOK AT THIS WATCH."

I SAID, "OH, THAT SO CUTE."

HE SAID, "CUTE, WHAT YOU MEAN

CUTE?

YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THIS DAMN

WATCH COSTS?"

I'M LIKE, "NO, I CAN'T SAY

AS I DO."

HE SAID "$16,000."

I SAID, "YOU'VE BEEN SIPPING ON

SOME SIZZURP?

(LAUGHTER)

WHAT THE HELL MADE YOU PAY

$16,000 FOR A WATCH?"

AND YOU KNOW HE TRIED TO JUSTIFY

THIS PURCHASE.

HE TRIED TELLING ME, "SEE,

THIS IS A ROLEX.

LOOK AT THE SECOND HAND.

SEE, THE SECOND HAND ON A ROLEX,

IT GLIDES.

BUT THE SECOND HAND ON A REGULAR

WATCH IT JERKS."

I SAID, "THAT'S ALL YOU GOT?

$16,000 AND ALL YOU CAN TELL ME

IS THE SECOND HAND GLIDES?

DON'T YOU KNOW, THAT FOR $16,000

THE SECOND HAND OUGHTA ACT LIKE

A DAMN SECOND HAND?

FOR $16,000 THAT HAND OUGHTA

JUMP OFF THE WATCH AND GIVE YOU

HIGH FIVE WHEN YOUR TEAM MAKE

THE DAMN BASKET."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

SIXTEEN.

FOR $16,000, IF YOUR WOMAN

IS MAD AT YOU AND YOU THINK

IT'S GOING TO BE A HARD NIGHT...

THAT SECOND HAND SHOULD JUMP OFF

GRAB THE LOTION AND TELL YOU,

"YOU GONNA BE ALL RIGHT TONIGHT,

FOR $16,000."

(APPLAUSE)

SO, I ENDED UP CALLING HIM

AN IGNORANT BASTARD.

AND WE GOT INTO IT.

HE SAID, "HOW COME A BROTHER

GOT TO BE AN IGNORANT BASTARD

EVERY TIME HE TRY TO LOOK GOOD?"

I SAID, "NO, YOU

MISUNDERSTANDING.

I'M NOT CALLING YOU IGNORANT

'CAUSE YOU LIKE TO LOOK GOOD.

YOU SAID YOU PAID $16,000

FOR THAT WATCH.

STAND YOUR IGNORANT ASS

RIGHT HERE AND WATCH ME.

EXCUSE ME, BROTHER, CAN YOU

TELL ME WHAT TIME YOU HAVE?"

AUDIENCE MEMBER>> IT'S 10:35.

ADELE GIVENS>> 10:35.

IT DIDN'T COST ME A DAMN NICKEL.

THAT WOULD BE WHY YOU AN

IGNORANT BASTARD.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

CAN'T LET YOUR KIDS WATCH TV.

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING.

A BREAST MIGHT POP OUT.

SOMEBODY MIGHT LICK SOMEBODY

ELSE, LIKE, "HEY, Y'ALL TURN OFF

THAT DAMN DISNEY CHANNEL...

UP IN HERE."

(LAUGHTER)

YOU KNOW, I SEE THE PROBLEM

WITH THE KIDS.

YOU KNOW, BACK IN THE DAY, THEY

USED TO SAY, IT TAKES A VILLAGE

TO RAISE A CHILD.

NOWADAYS, APPARENTLY, IT TAKES

A TALK SHOW.

THAT'S THE PROBLEM.

IF I SEE ONE MORE TOPIC LIKE,

"HELP, MY TEEN IS OUT OF

CONTROL."

I'M GOING TO SHAKE THE HELL OUT

OF SOMEBODY.

WHY IN THE HELL ARE YOU ON A

TALK SHOW 'CAUSE YOUR TEEN

IS OUT OF CONTROL?

NOW DON'T GET ME WRONG.

I'M NOT GOING TO FRONT UP HERE.

I DON'T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY SO

IF I GOT AN OPPORTUNITY TO GET

A FREE VACATION GO TO NEW YORK

OR L.A., YOU KNOW, A FREE TICKET

AND ALL I GOT TO DO IS GET ON TV

AND, YOU KNOW, TALK ABOUT MY

ISSUES.

I WOULD DO IT.

BUT YOU CAN BELIEVE THE TOPIC

OF THE TALK SHOWS WOULD NOT BE

"HELP!

MY TEEN IS OUT OF CONTROL"

IF IT WAS ME.

NO, I THINK THEY WOULD BE LIKE,

"HELP!

MY TEEN IS IMBEDDED IN THE

CONCRETE AND I CAN'T GET HIS ASS

BACK OUT."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

OR "HELP!

I JUST KNOCKED MY TEENS TEETH

OUT AND WE DON'T HAVE A DENTAL

PLAN."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I WAS LOOKING AT A TALK SHOW--

THIS IS TRUE--

A 13-YEAR-OLD BOY WAS ON THERE

WITH HIS MOMMA, TALKING ABOUT

HOW HE WOULDN'T WEAR NOTHING BUT

THIS ONE DESIGNERS CLOTHING.

I'M TALKING ABOUT, HE HAD IT ON

FROM HEAD TO TOE.

WATCH, DRAWERS, SHOES, THIS ONE,

I WON'T NAME THIS DESIGNER,

BUT HE HAD ALL OF THIS STUFF ON

AND HIS MOMMA WAS SITTING UP

THERE CRYING TO THE TALK SHOW

HOST.

"AND I TOLD HIM, THERE'S OTHER

CHILDREN IN THE HOME AND

I'M TRYING TO WORK TWO JOBS

AND IT'S VERY CHALLENGING."

I WAS LIKE, "YOU'VE BEEN SIPPING

ON SIZZURP, AIN'T YOU, BOO?"

'CAUSE WHY?

YOU KNOW, LADY, ANYBODY HERE

WITH A CHILD--

YOU AIN'T GOING TO WEAR

NOTHING--

BUT THIS BOY HAD IT ON.

HE'S 13 YEARS OLD.

HE AIN'T GOT NO JOB.

SHE MUST HAVE BOUGHT IT.

SO WHY YOU ON TV CRYING?

I WISHED IT WAS ME.

I WOULD SAY, "BABY, WE GOING ON

VACATION."

THAT'S RIGHT.

I'VE GOT TWO LITTLE BOYS,

AGES 6 AND 8.

AND THEY COULD VERY WELL GROW UP

AND SAY THEY NOT WEARING NOTHING

BUT DESIGNER CLOTHES.

AND THAT'S LIKE, "OKAY, COOL.

WE GETTING A VACATION, WE GOING

TO A TALK SHOW."

AND I'D BE SITTING ON TV HAPPY

BECAUSE I'M ON VACATION WITH

THE TALK SHOW HOST WHO PROBABLY

HAVE ON A DESIGNER OUTFIT OF

HER OWN AND I BE SITTING UP

THERE WITH A REGULAR OUTFIT OF

MY OWN AND MY 13 YEAR OLD SON

WOULD BE SITTING ON NATIONAL TV

BUCK NAKED.

'CAUSE DON'T WE SACRIFICE

EVERYTHING FOR OUR KIDS, LADIES?

WHEN YOUR KIDS COME IN TO

YOUR HOME, LIFE AS YOU KNEW IT

CHANGE, YOU CAN'T EVEN HAVE SEX

ANYTIME YOU WANT TO NO MORE,

CAN YOU?

GIRL, I USE TO GO INTO MY

KITCHEN AND GET A SEX SANDWICH

ANYTIME I FELT LIKE IT.

YOU LITTLE BASTARD DONE PUTTING

ME ON A DIET AND I AIN'T HAVING

IT.

'CAUSE EVERY TIME YOU GET READY,

IT'S LIKE WAIT A MINUTE...

I THINK I HEAR THE

PITTER-PATTER.

'CAUSE THE LAST THING YOU WANT,

AM I RIGHT LADIES, IS FOR YOUR

BABY TO CATCH MOMMA'S AS TOSSED

UP LIKE A CAESAR SALAD....

(LAUGHTER)

'CAUSE YOU KNOW YOU'D DAMAGE

THEIR LITTLE ASSES, DON'T YOU?

BUT YOUR MAN DON'T CARE, DO HE?

HE BE LIKE, "C'MON, THEY

ASLEEP."

WELL, THEY DRINKING WATER

AND THEY'RE EYES ARE OPEN.

DO THEY ALWAYS SLEEP LIKE THIS?

ADELE GIVENS>> AND YOU ALL KNOW

WE ALL GOT SOME DYSFUNCTION

IN OUR FAMILY.

LOT OF TIMES YOU DON'T WANT

TO TALK ABOUT IT 'CAUSE IT

FRUSTRATES YOU, BUT WE ALL COME

FROM SOME DYSFUNCTIONAL

BACKGROUND IN ONE FASHION OR

ANOTHER.

AND I FOUND OUT THAT YOU CAN'T

ALWAYS APPROACH YOUR RELATIVES

WITH WHAT EVER IT IS THAT THEY

FRUSTRATED YOU WITH.

'CAUSE YOU WILL SCREW UP A

RELATIONSHIP, YOU KNOW?

SOMETIMES YOU JUST WANT TO SAY

SOMETHING THAT YOU KNOW IS GOING

TO MESS UP YOUR RELATIONSHIP

FOR LIFE WITH THIS PERSON.

SO, THAT'S WHY I FIND POETRY

TO BE A GREAT OUTLET.

I LOVE RUSSELL SIMMONS DEF

POETRY JAM.

I DO.

I LOVE IT.

I LOVE IT.

(APPLAUSE)

POETRY USE TO HAVE THIS IMAGE

OF BEING SO NICE AND SO SERENE

BUT THIS IS A GREAT WAY FOR YOU

TO LET YOUR FRUSTRATIONS OUT.

TELL YOUR FAMILY MEMBER OF

CHOICE THAT THEY INSPIRED YOU

AND JUST TALK ABOUT THEIR ASS

IN A POEM.

I'M GOING TO DO A LITTLE PIECE

FOR Y'ALL RIGHT NOW.

I LIKE TO CALL THIS ONE...

"IT AIN'T THAT DAMN CUTE,

RE-RE."

I AIN'T GOT NO RELATIVE NAMED

RE-RE, BUT IT DON'T MATTER WHAT

HER NAME IS EVERYBODY GOT THIS

RELATIVE.

COULD BE SHAQUANDA, SALLY, MARY,

WHATEVER, SHE RE-RE.

YOU'LL KNOW WHEN I FINISH DOING

THIS PIECE.

AIN'T IT FUNNY HOW PEOPLE ACT

FUNNY WHEN THEY OWE YOU MONEY?

(LAUGHTER)

WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?

IT'S FUNNY HOW THEY GET MAD

WHEN YOU ASK FOR YOUR CASH.

HAS SOMETHING LIKE THIS

EVER HAPPENED TO YOU?

"HEY, WHAT'S UP, DOG?

AIN'T YOU BILL OVERDUE?"

"WELL, I'LL BE DAMNED.

I'M GOING TO PAY YOU.

CAN I FINISH DOING WHAT I GOT

TO DO?

I'LL LET YOU KNOW WHEN I GET

THROUGH.

YOU ACT LIKE I'M GOING TO LEAVE

TOWN WITH THEM FEW DOLLARS.

I'LL HOLLER WHEN I GET MY CHECK.

NOW STEP YOUR ASS BACK AND LET

ME PLACE MY BET.

DAMN."

WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?

IT'S ALMOST LIKE THEY GOT

ANOTHER PERSONALITY.

AND WHEN THEY NEED A LOAN,

THAT'S THE ONE THAT YOU SEE.

THE PERSON THAT'S HUMBLE

AND NICE AND SWEET THEY ACT REAL

HELPFUL AND NORMAL AND FRIENDLY

BUT SEE THAT'S BEFORE THEY SAY

"CAN I" OR "LEND ME."

SOMETIMES IT'S NOT A LOAN JUST A

CON OR A PLAY TRYING TO SEE WHAT

THEY CAN GET OUT YOU THAT DAY.

IT'S FUNNY HOW THEY CAN

MANUFACTURE SORROW BRINGING

IT TO YOU ASKING YOU TO BORROW

PROMISING TO PAY YOU BACK

TOMORROW.

KNOWING ALL THE TIME THAT

THEY JUST LYING AND YOU PISSED

BECAUSE THEY KEEP BUYING BRAND

NEW (BLEEP) WHILE THEY KEEP

CRYING BROKE TO YOU PROVOKING

YOU TO CHOKE AND FANTASIZE

TO SMOKE THIS MOTHER.

WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

IT'S FUNNY HOW THAT JUST MAKES

YOU THINK OF ALL THEIR OTHER

IGNORANT WAYS AND THE NIGHTS AND

DAYS TRYING TO BE JOHN BLAZE.

THEY LEFT YOU AT HOME WITH THEIR

CHILDREN TO RAISE AT YOUR

DISCRETION.

AND YOU DIDN'T JUDGE THEM

YOU JUST RESPECT THEM.

TEACH THE CHILDREN AND NEVER

NEGLECT THEM.

ALWAYS PROTECT THEM AND TRY

TO DIRECT THEM BECAUSE THEY HAD

BEEN ILL AFFECTED, NEGLECTED,

MISDIRECTED, AND DISRESPECTED

FROM LESSONS THEY LEARNED FROM

SOME FOOL YOU HAD THEM AROUND.

BUT THOSE KIDS WERE SURPRISED

HAPPY AND EXCITED WHEN THEY

FOUND OUT THAT NOT EVERYBODY

IS NOT ALL THAT IMPRESSED WITH

WHICH ONE OF THEM COULD JUST

DANCE THE BEST.

IN FACT, THEY GAVE ME MUCH

RESPECT 'CAUSE I GAVE THE LITTLE

BASTARDS A SPELLING TEST.

AND YES, THEY PASSED, NO THANKS

TO YOUR ASS.

(APPLAUSE)

IT AIN'T NO DOUBT ABOUT IT

THAT CHILDREN ARE INTELLIGENT

THE FACT THAT YOU'S AN IGNORANT

MOTHER...IS IRRELEVANT.

IT'S EVIDENT TO ME THAT YOUR

DUMB ASS DON'T EVEN KNOW THAT

YOU COULD BE RAISING A CEO

OR THE PRESIDENT OF HIS OWN

CORPORATION.

ALL THE CHILD NEEDS IS A STRONG

EDUCATION AND SOMEBODY HE CAN

HAVE A SUPPORTIVE RELATIONSHIP

WITH, DIP (BLEEP).

(LAUGHTER)

SO GET WITH THE PROGRAM,

BRO'HAM.

I SURE AM GLAD TO KNOW THAT

BULL YOU PULL ON ME WASN'T

PERSONAL AND THAT YOU TRIED

TO BEAT OUT EVERYBODY YOU KNOW.

YOU SPEND YOUR WHOLE CHECK ON

YOUR HAIR AND IT'S CURLY LIKE A

POODLE, BUT YOUR KIDS DON'T HAVE

NOTHING AT HOME TO EAT BUT

TEN CENT RAMEN NOODLES.

DON'T PUCKER UP YOUR LIPS LIKE

YOU'VE GOT SOMETHING TO SAY

'CAUSE I FEEL JUST LIKE GEAL

AND YOU'RE GETTING IN MY WAY.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU'VE GOT THAT LITTLE MONEY.

I WON'T EVEN BE STRESSED.

IN FACT, I APPRECIATE YOU

LETTING ME GETTING THIS OFF MY

CHEST 'CAUSE I KNOW HOW ROUGH

IT IS WHEN YOUR LIFE IS A MESS.

SEE, NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU TRY,

YOU JUST CAN'T DO YOUR BEST.

WHAT YOU NEED TO DO IS GET ON

YOUR KNEES AND CONFESS.

IN FACT, I'M GOING TO PRAY

EVERYDAY THAT YOU AND YOURS

STAY BLESSED.

AND I SINCERELY HOPE THAT THE

NEXT TIME I COME AROUND YOU

AND YOUR KIDS IS KICKING ABOUT

ADJECTIVES, VERBS, AND NOUNS,

AND NOT TRYING TO BACK THAT

THING UP, BUT TRYING TO WRITE

THAT THING DOWN 'CAUSE, IT AIN'T

THAT DAMN CUTE, RE RE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

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