Is That Your Belt?

  • Season 1, Ep 11
  • 06/07/2016

Nikki attends a class on cuddling, plays Tinder Tapout with Adam Pally and Mary Lynn Rajskub, and gets to the bottom of why more women are getting labiaplasties.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Hi, guys.

So, a lot of loserson YouTube

complain that all female comicstalk about are their vaginas.

So that's whatI'm gonna do tonight.

[ Laughter ]I have to.

Seriously, guys,to put a long vulva short,

I have labiathat just don't quit, all right?

I know.

I thought all vaginaslooked like mine

until I was 20 years old,

and I heard Dane Cooktell this joke.

One thing, a turn-off --

I don't like a girlwith a lot of lips.

I don't like that.

Yeah. I don't like it when itlooks like a box of cow tongues.

I don't like itwhen it looks like

a high-school-play curtain,right?

[ Laughter ]

Yeah, it's funny.

That's what pissed me off,

because that is my vagina.

There's actuallya production of "Brigadoon"

happening down thereright now.

[ Laughter ]

Look.Those whacky...characters.

[ Laughs ]

But after hearing that joke --I'm serious --

I did some research on vaginas,and --

Okay,I watched some porn.

And I was shocked

because every porn vagina I sawwas so perfect --

just trim and tiny.

Their pussieswere like Ariana Grande

while mineis like nachos grande.

You feel bad about yourselfwhen you eat it.

I jack up the price to $11at ballparks.

A lot of similarities.

[ Laughter ]

But I wantedwhat these porn stars had.

So I consideredthe ultimate solution.

[ Dramatic music plays ]Genocide.

[ Laughter ]

Just kidding.

Labiaplasty.

Have you heard of it?

It is a surgery

where a doctor basicallyBenihanas your pussy

till it's small enoughto flip into your aunt's mouth.

[ Laughing ] I considered it.

I considered it,

but I couldn't do it aftergetting my butthole refinished.

[ Laughter ]It was very expensive.

So when I readin The New York Times

that labiaplasties are becomingincreasingly popular,

especially among teens,I was not surprised.

I had so many questionsabout labiaplasty,

so I sat downwith Dr. Jennifer Berman

to learn all aboutdesigner vaginers.

Dr. Berman, why would a womanget labiaplasty?

Labiaplasty means removalof excess skin in the labia.Okay.

And if there isa redundancy,

meaning length --increased length --

Redundancy -- I like that,where you're just like,

"Okay, I get it, vagina."

On and on and on and on.

And if it interfereswith sexual relations

or it's irritatingwhen they exercise,

you know,those would be --Right.

Have you noticed a trend in morewomen getting labiaplasties?

I've noticed a trendin more people talking about it,

extremely self-consciousabout their genital areas.

I'm one of those women

who have definitely startedtalking about it more

because I would look at porn,

which, of course,they're all, like,

these tiny, little God'slittle whisper of a vagina,

and I would see that,and I'd say,

"Oh, I guess that'swhat everyone wants."

You hear guys --"Oh, roast beef sandwich.

You look like --"You just go,

"[ Laughs ]That must be gross."

And then you're like,"I'm disgusting."

What's drivingwomen's insecurity

is that we thinkmen think it's beautiful.

Like, I feel like this,

it's like, they stick out,like, that much.

Well, that's --I could pull them outlike to here probably.

That's normal.

That is?Yeah.

It's like a little, like --

You know like a little dog'ssoft little tongue peeking out?

It's almost like --All right, I get it.

All right, so,there's a little bit

of what we call "labial show,"

whichis what you're describing.Ooh! I --

That's gonna bemy Broadway play.

Labial Show.

You did it.You named it for me.

So, there's sexual sensationsthat are in that area.

It also adds a little bitof length to the vagina,

so it kind of grabsalong the outside,

so there's a functional purposeto the labia.

"Don't let go, dick."[ Laughs ]

It's almost like they're --a cliffhanger.Yeah.

So, what aresome of the drawbacks

of getting labiaplasty?

I've seen some majorly botchedlabiaplasties.

Really?Yes.

Changing it, mutilating it,even, to some degree.

So you shouldn't just get itwilly-nilly.

You certainly shouldn't do itjust for cosmetic reasons.

I'm leavingthis conversation feeling, like,

I love it, and I justwant to spread the love.

Can I get a hug?

[ Laughs ]Come here.

I'm so gladyou're so comfortable.

I love you.Thank you.

[ Cheers and applause ]

So, look.

If you're labes are causing youactual physical pain,

do what you need to do,absolutely.

But if they're not,let sleeping lips lie.

Unless you're posing for

some vagina of the monthcalendar, I guess,

which even then, like, wouldn'tyou want yours to stand out?

Like, let's make thisa September to remember.

[ Laughter ]

And why risklosing sexual sensation

just to look "acceptable"for a

guy whose dickcan barely tell the difference

beautiful a pussy anda thermos of warm SpaghettiOs?

[ Laughter ]

And if someone is shitty enoughto make fun of your labia,

surgery is not gonna help

because the problemis not with your pussy.

It's with the pussy you'reletting inside your pussy,

so try cutting that off first.

In the meantime,

let's all embrace who we are,all right?

I have big naturals,and I'm proud.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Thanks, guys.We'll be right back.

Anyone else?

Anyone else got big --

You do? Oh, yeah.

So, tell me about Cuddle

Sanctuary.

Cuddle Sanctuary is a social

experience that welcomes healthy

human touch.

I associate cuddling with sex.

Like, I don't know how you

separate it.

If you feel some arousal coming

on, just shift your position.

What if when I shift, I go

like...

[ Laughs ]

[ Grunts ]

This is how I shift.

[ Grunts ]

So, I'm gonna try a class.

Okay. Let's do it.

Let's do it. Let's cuddle.

Franzblau: So, let's talk about

the many different options of

things you can try.

The first one would be spooning.

Does anybody feel like demoing

the spoon?

You're in?

You're in.

Coming in for a landing.

Is this missionary of cuddling?

The only problem I'm really

having is that I'm concerned

where my phone is.

Do you mind if I check my

e-mail, bro?

Um, yes.

But now that I can't check my

e-mail, I just...

I want to let you know that the

rest of the time I'm gonna be

thinking about checking my

e-mail.

[ Laughter ]

The next option that you have

for paired practice is called

companioning.

I guess I'm just gonna go ahead

and sit next to you.

Cool.

[ Chuckling ] That's it.

Um, this is it?

[ Laughs ] Yeah.

In seventh grade, this would've

blown my mind.

We could do back to back.

I could just spin around and

then sort of...

Let's do it.

And this is kind of it.

All right.

It's just sort of like a way for

people to chill out and talk.

It's very, uh, "Fault in Our

Stars."

So, I'm going away this summer.

Do you think we'll keep in

touch?

Yeah.

I don't want to go.

What if you meet some other

girl?

Then it's over.

[ Laughter ]

You're crazy.

Is that good?

Is that what we would talk

about, things like that?

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Cool.

Cool.

I'm still thinking about my

phone.

You're like the teddy bear I

always wanted.

You wanted a biracial,

polyamorous teddy bear?

That's weird.

Is that your belt?

I'm not wearing a belt.

Is that, like, a button?

No, they're --

they're just pajamas.

Okay.

[ Laughter ]

Oh, my God, I love this.

But I do want to [bleep] you.

[ Laughter ]

How often do you...

fall in love?

This isn't really the place for

that.

Your pajamas tell me otherwise.

[ Laughs ]

Will you read me my e-mails?

Woman:

"Dear beloved friend, permit me

my desire to go into business

relationship with you.

I am daughter of late Al Bedarri

of Libya, whom was murdered

during the recent civil war in

Libya.

Before his death, my late father

was a strong supporting

member..."

Would you like to hold hands

with me and eye-gaze?

What are your intentions with

me?

Uh, I don't know.

I'm just, like, lost in your

eyes.

They're just like --

I-I feel like I'm, like, staring

at the universe.

The universe?

Yeah.

That's a little much.

Yeah.

You should follow me on

Instagram.

Okay. Sounds good.

That means a lot that you said

that.

Yeah.

Yeah, you're welcome.

Uh...

Thanks for gazing.

It was really nice.

I love you.

Love you too.

Thank you for having me, you

guys.

I seriously get what you're

saying now.

This isn't about sex at all.

I don't want to have sex with

any of you.

Like, when are we gonna [bleep]

Seriously?