CC Presents: Mo Mandel

  • Season 14, Ep 16
  • 01/11/2010

I'M TRYING TO SAY WITH THAT JOKE

IS THAT WOMENHAVE IT EASY FINANCIALLY.

THAT'S ALL I'M TRYING TO SAY.

NO, YOU DO.I WAS LOOKING IT UP ONLINE.

IT WAS SAYING WITHTHE ECONOMY BEING MESSED UP,

WOMEN ARE DONATING THEIR EGGSIN AN INCREASED RATE.

YOU KNOW HOW MUCH YOU'RE GETTINGON AVERAGE?

$10,000 TO $15,000.

THAT'S A TOYOTA COROLLA 2006RIGHT THERE.

THAT'S A GOOD CAR.

GUYS CAN DONATE OUR STUFF --

WE GET LIKE 100 BUCKSOR ARRESTED

DEPENDING ON WHEREWE DECIDE TO DONATE IT.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

AND YOUR BIGGEST ADVANTAGEIS SEXUAL

'CAUSE OUR BODIES GIVE AWAYOUR SEXUAL MOTIVATIONS.

IF I'M TALKING TO A GIRL,I'M DANCING WITH HER,

I GET AN ERECTION,

SHE KNOWS IMMEDIATELYWHY I'M TALKING TO HER.

SHE LIKE, "WELL,MAYBE HE'S NOT INTERESTED

"IN WHAT IT'S LIKETO LIVE IN MANHATTAN.

MAYBE SOMETHING ELSEIS GOING ON."

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND AS A GUY,YOU GOT TO DO WHAT?

YOU GOT TO LIFT IT UP,PULL UP YOUR BELT,

CINCH THAT BITCH, RIGHT,JUST TO KEEP IT UP HERE.

YEAH.

REMEMBER THE EIGHTH-GRADE DANCE?

♪ THUNDER ROAD

"OH, WE POPPED!"

'CAUSE OUR BODIES GIVE US AWAY.WE GET SEXUALLY EXCITED.

YOUR BODIES DON'T DO THAT.IT'S NOT FAIR.

IF IT WAS FAIR,WHEN YOU GOT EXCITED,

YOUR VAGINA WOULD EMITA LITTLE SOUND OR SOMETHING.

HOT GUY WALKS BY...

[ MUMBLING AND SNARLING ]

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

"YOU WANT ME TO CUT YOUWITH A KNIFE?

YOU WANT ME TO CUT YOUWITH A KNIFE?"

[ SNARLING ]

IS ANYONE SO BROKEYOU DIDN'T EVEN REALIZE

THE ECONOMY WAS IN TROUBLE?

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

YOU'RE WATCHING CNN, "PEOPLE ARENO LONGER GOING TO RESTAURANTS."

"WERE THEY EVER?WHAT IS THIS? NARNIA?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

IT'S ROUGH OUT THERE.

THAT'S WHY I'M WRITINGA NEW SELF-HELP BOOK

THAT TEACHES PEOPLEHOW TO ACHIEVE THEIR DREAMS...

BY CHANGINGWHAT THOSE DREAMS ARE.

IT'S CALLED, "HOW ABOUTSOMETHING MORE REALISTIC?"

"WAL-MART: WORK THERE --CHAPTER TWO."

'CAUSE IT SEEMS LIKENO ONE I KNOW,

THEIR DREAMSARE NOT COMING TRUE.

MY FRIEND JOE STUDIED THEATERIN LONDON FOR SIX YEARS,

MOVED TO BROOKLYN,AND IS NOW A DOG WALKER.

AND THAT'S WHAT HE SAYS.I DON'T EVEN BUY THAT.

TECHNICALLY,THE DOG CAN WALK ON ITS OWN.

[ LAUGHTER ]

WHAT IT CANNOT DOIS PICK UP ITS OWN [BLEEP]

YOU'RE A [BLEEP] COLLECTOR.

THAT'S WHERE YOU'RE AT.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

IT'S ALL ON MY BLOG, BY THE WAY,

IF YOU WANT TO READ IT,WHICH -- I'M SURE YOU DO.

'CAUSE THAT'S ALL WE READ NOWIS BLOGS.

WE DON'T READ PEOPLE'S BOOKS.

WE JUST READ THEIR BLOGS,WHICH IS WEIRD.

IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT, A BLOG'SJUST A DIARY OR A JOURNAL.

WE USED TO HIDE THAT THING.NOW WE POST IT!

IF ANNE FRANKHAD BEEN ALIVE TODAY,

THEY'D HAVE CAUGHT HERIMMEDIATELY.

"STILL HIDING IN THE ATTICAT THIS ADDRESS. LOL."

[ GIGGLES ]

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

I KNOW. I'M VERY NEGATIVE.I'VE GOT A NEGATIVE MIND.

I DON'T FIT IN IN L.A. AT ALL.

EVERYONE THERE IS SO POSITIVE.YOU EVER BEEN THERE?

THEY WAKE UP, "RAINBOWS EXIST!LET'S HAVE SMOOTHIES!"

UGH!

I WAKE UP MAD.ANYBODY ELSE LIKE THAT?

EVERY DAY, I WAKE UP, "DAMN IT!""WHAT'S WRONG?"

"I DON'T KNOW YET.JUST GOT UP."

[ APPLAUSE ]

YEAH.

I HATE POSITIVE PEOPLE.I REALLY --

MY FRIEND DARREN'S LIKE THAT,

ONE OF THOSE PEOPLEWHO ALWAYS TRIES TO

PUT A LITTLE "MMM!"ON EVERY SITUATION.

YOU KNOW THAT GUY?

THE OTHER DAY,WE WERE HAVING A BAD NIGHT.

WE WERE AT THIS LIQUOR STOREIN LONG BEACH AT 1:00 A.M.

BUYING PORNOGRAPHY, CIGARETTES,AND VODKA.

AND THEN DARREN GOES, "HEY!

YOU WANT TO BUYA LOTTERY TICKET?"

"NO, DARREN, I DO NOT!

"WE'RE BUYING PORNOGRAPHY,CIGARETTES, AND VODKA.

CLEARLY, WE ARE NOTON A WINNING STREAK."

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

RIGHT?

AND LET ME ASK YOU THIS,

WHY DOES THE GUYBUYING THE LOTTERY TICKET

ALWAYS LOOK LIKE THE MOSTUNLUCKY PERSON IN THE STORE?

IT'S ALWAYS SOME CRACKHEADIN SWEAT PANTS,

"LET ME GET A LOTTERY TICKET!"

"YOU WON THE LOTTERY YESTERDAYWHEN YOU WOKE UP ALIVE.

TAKE IT EASY."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

IT'S GOOD TO BE HEREIN NEW YORK CITY, MAN.

I'LL TELL YOU. I'VE BEENTRAVELING A LOT LATELY.

I WENT TO AFRICA THIS YEAR.ANYONE EVER BEEN TO AFRICA?

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]OH, REALLY?

A COUPLE PEOPLE? COUPLE PEOPLE?

IF YOU HAVEN'T BEEN,I DON'T BLAME YOU.

[ LAUGHTER ]

IT IS VERY "AIDSY" IN AFRICA.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU GOT TO WEAR A CONDOM JUSTTO MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH PEOPLE.

AND I WENT TO AFRICA WITHA FRIEND OF MINE WHO IS AFRICAN.

OR HIS FAMILY'S AFRICAN.WHEN WE WENT OVER THERE.

HE WAS REALLY GETTING INTOTHE CULTURE OF THE WHOLE THING.

HE WAS LIKE, "DIS IS WHEREDEE CHILDREN GO TO SCHOOL."

I WAS LIKE, "TAKE IT EASY,'BLOOD DIAMOND.'

YOU'RE FROM NEWARK."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

"I DON'T KNOW IF YOUR iPhoneHAS A MACHETE APPLICATION ON IT,

BUT, UH..."

AND HALFWAY THROUGH THE TRIP,

HE WAS GETTINGA REAL ATTITUDE PROBLEM WITH ME.

HE WAS LIKE,"THIS IS WHERE WE'RE FROM.

YOU PEOPLESOLD US INTO SLAVERY."

I WAS LIKE,"YOU PEOPLE? I'M JEWISH.

"JEWS WERE NOT INVOLVEDIN THE SLAVE TRADE.

"LIKE, WE MIGHT HAVE KNOWN A GUY

"AND GET YOU A GOOD DEALON SOME CHAINS,

BUT THAT'S ABOUT AS FARAS IT WENT DOWN."

I WAS LIKE,"JEWS WERE SLAVES

"2,000 YEARS BEFOREBLACK PEOPLE WERE SLAVES.

"I GET IT --YOU GUYS SHOW UP LATE TO STUFF,

BUT DON'T GIVE ME A HARD TIME."

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

BUT IT'S WEIRD, THOUGH,AS AN AMERICAN.

'CAUSE YOU GO TO ANYOTHER COUNTRY IN THE WORLD, MAN,

EVERYONE IN THAT COUNTRYKNOWS SO MUCH ABOUT OUR COUNTRY,

AND WE KNOW NOTHINGABOUT ANY OTHER COUNTRY.

EVERY OTHER COUNTRY KNOWSABOUT BARACK AND OUR ECONOMY.

WE KNOW NOTHING.

TO AN AMERICAN,THE REST OF THE WORLD'S

LIKE THE UGLY CHICKIN YOUR OFFICE WHO COMES IN,

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!"

YOU'RE LIKE,"WHO THE [BLEEP] ARE YOU?"

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

"YOU WORK HERE?

YOU WORK HERE?"

"CUPCAKE, YES.BUT YOU, NO."

[ LAUGHTER ]

OF ALL THE PLACES I'VE BEEN,

I'LL TELL YOU THE HARDEST PLACETO GET USED TO IS LOS ANGELES.

THE CULTURE THERE

MAKES ABSOLUTELYNO SENSE AT ALL TO ME.

LIKE, FOR INSTANCE,EVERYONE IN L.A.

IS OBSESSED WITH BEING HEALTHYBUT IN JUST RIDICULOUS WAYS,

WHERE I MEET PEOPLEAND THEY TAKE ANTIDEPRESSANTS

AND THEY ALSO TAKE PILATESAND THEY TAKE YOGA

AND THEY TAKE SPIN CLASS.

AND IT'S LIKE,"IF YOU'RE UNHAPPY,

DON'T TRY TO LIVE LONGER."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

THAT'S DYSLEXIA.

LIKE EVERYONE'S GOTA LITTLE ATTITUDE PROBLEM.

EVERYONE'S TRYING TO BESOMETHING THEY'RE NOT.

I WAS IN BEVERLY HILLSTHE OTHER DAY,

SAW THIS LITTLE, RICH, WHITE KIDWEARING A SHIRT THAT SAID,

"[BLEEP] THE COPS!"

SO I ROBBED HIM.

YEAH.

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

I WANTED TO.

I WANTED TO.

WHOSE GONNA STOP ME?THE COPS?

I DON'T THINK SO.I COULD STAB THAT KID.

THE COP, "YOU DO THAT?YOU CAN DRINK AND DRIVE NOW.

CONGRATULATIONS."

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND EVERYONE'S GOT THIS --

THEY'RE ALL LIKE POLITICALLYLIBERAL OUT THERE.

BUT EVERYONE'S LIKE REALLY COCKYABOUT THE FACT THEY'RE LIBERAL,

WHICH IS JUST OBNOXIOUS.

THAT'S WHY MY GOAL THIS YEARIS TO BUY A PRIUS...

SO I CAN BETHE ANTI-PRIUS DRIVER.

BE LIKE, "YEAH, THAT'S MY PRIUS,

THE ONE WITH THE GUN RACK ANDTHE McCAIN STICKER ON THE BACK

AND THE DEAD DEER CARCASSROPED TO THE HOOD."

WOULDN'T THAT BE SWEET?

DRIVE AROUND IN A PRIUS THROWINGGARBAGE OUT YOUR WINDOW?

"IT'S A PRIUS! I ALREADY HELPEDTHE EARTH, HIPPIE!"

YEAH.

"YES, THERE ISA CONFEDERATE FLAG IN MY PRIUS."

YOU EVER BEEN TO A COMEDY CLUB?NOT A VERY CLASSY ENVIRONMENT.

THEY ALWAYS HAVE A TWO-DRINKMINIMUM, COMEDY CLUBS.

THEY FORCE YOU TO DRINK.

'CAUSE THEY'RE VERY INSECURETHAT THE SHOW MIGHT SUCK.

THEY'RE LIKE, "COME ON IN --THIS GUY'S HILARIOUS

AS LONG AS YOU ARE [BLEEP] UPTHE WHOLE TIME."

CAN YOU IMAGINE ANOTHER BUSINESSTRYING TO PULL THAT?

YOU GO TO A RESTAURANT.THEY'RE LIKE, "COME ON IN.

"THE FOOD'S GREAT HERE.

BEFORE YOU EAT IT,YOU GOT TO SMOKE SOME WEED."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"YEAH, WE JUST SERVE HOT POCKETSUP IN THIS BITCH.

BUT, UH, IF YOU'RE HIGH,IT DOESN'T SUCK THAT MUCH."

MY NAME IS MO MANDEL.

I'M JEWISHIN KIND OF A WEIRD WAY.

CHECK IT OUT. YEAH.

FACE AND HAIRJUST EXCESSIVELY JEWY.

WHAT'S UP?

THEN I'VE GOT, LIKE,THE MUSCULAR JOCK'S BODY, RIGHT?

KIND OF IN BETWEEN A JEW

AND A GUY WHO DRIVES BYIN A TRUCK AND YELLS, "JEW!"

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

A LITTLE BIT DREIDEL,

A LITTLE BIT METHAMPHETAMINERIGHT THERE.

I'LL TELL YOU, I MOVED TO L.A.THIS YEAR FROM AMERICA.

UM...

[ LAUGHTER ]

WHICH IS WEIRD, MAN.

WHEN YOU MOVE TO L.A.TO GET INTO A SHOWBIZ,

ALL YOUR FRIENDSFROM BACK HOME WARN YOU

THAT YOU'RE GONNA BECOME"SHALLOW AND SUPERFICIAL."

BUT I DON'TREALLY WORRY ABOUT IT

'CAUSE I DON'T EVEN TALKTO THOSE FRIENDS ANYMORE.

"I'M HOLLYWOOD, BITCH!I'M IN COMMERCIALS!

SUCK IT, MOM.DON'T CALL THIS NUMBER."

THAT'S ALL YOU DOAS A ACTOR IN L.A.

IS AUDITIONFOR THESE STUPID COMMERCIALS.

NOW I WATCH TV, I'M LIKE JEALOUSOF THE GUY IN THE COMMERCIAL,

LIKE, "AAH! I WISHI HAD ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION!

LOOK AT THIS."

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

BUT I WAS GONNA GETMARRIED THIS YEAR.

HAD A GIRLFRIENDFOR THREE YEARS.

THEN I MOVED TO L.A. AND WEBROKE UP, WHICH IS WEIRD, RIGHT?

'CAUSE THEY SAY BREAKING UPIS SO HARD TO DO.

BUT, LIKE,HAVE YOU EVER DONE IT BY E-MAIL?

IT'S INCREDIBLY EASY, RIGHT?

"POINT, CLICK, DONE, BITCH!"[ SIGHS ]

"GOT MY WHOLE SATURDAYAHEAD OF ME."

AND THE SEX GOT WEIRD.

I GUESS MENTALLY,SHE WAS TURNED OFF.

SO PHYSICALLY,EVERYTHING WAS UNCOMFORTABLE.

LIKE AT THE END,I'D KISS HER NECK,

AND SHE'D BE LIKE,"OW, BE GENTLE."

EVERYTHING WAS, "BE GENTLE."

HAVING SEX AT THE ENDWAS LIKE PLAYING JENGA.

"EASY.

"EASY!

DONKEY PUNCH!"[ LAUGHS ]

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

I'M KIDDING.

I'M NOT INTO ROUGH SEX,ACTUALLY.

IN FACT, YOU KNOW,HERE'S HOW I FEEL ABOUT MYSELF

IN REGARD TO SEX.

I THINK I'M LIKE MOST GUYSIN THIS ROOM.

I THINK I AM GOOD AT SEX.

I'M JUST FAST AT IT,YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LIKE, I'M A RESPECTFUL GUY.I KNOW YOU GOT THINGS TO DO.

I'M GONNA LET YOUGET BACK TO YOUR SCHEDULE.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

WHAT'S UP?

YOU EVER BEENIN THIS SITUATION, THOUGH, MAN?

YOU EVER BEEN IN A SITUATIONWHERE YOU'RE ABOUT TO

HAVE SEX WITH SOMEBODYAND YOU COULD JUST TELL

THAT PERSON IS BRINGINGWAY MORE SKILLS TO THE TABLE

THAN YOU ARE QUALIFIEDTO DEAL WITH?

YOU'RE GETTING NAKED.

SHE'S STRETCHING ANDSHADOWBOXING IN THE CORNER.

YOU'RE TAKING OFF YOUR PANTS.

SHE'S PUTTING ON A HEADBANDWITH A JAPANESE SUNRISE.

SHE KEEPS DOING THIS MOTION.

I GOT WAY OUT OF MY LEAGUELAST WEEK.

THIS IS A TRUE STORY, RIGHT?THIS REALLY HAPPENED.

I MET A GIRL AT A COMEDY SHOW,WHICH YOU SHOULD NEVER DO.

ALTHOUGH TONIGHT,IT'S PROBABLY OKAY.

AND, UH...

[ LAUGHTER ]

I'M ON TV, SO SOMEONESHOULD PROBABLY BANG ME.

THIS IS A TRUE STORY THOUGH.

I MET THIS GIRLAT THE COMEDY SHOW, RIGHT?

SHE COMES BACK TO MY HOTEL.WE GET NAKED. I LOOK DOWN.

SHE'S GOT KNIFE CUTSON HER LEGS.

AND THEN SHE'S GOT KNIFE CUTSUP HERE.

AND I DON'T MEAN CUTS LIKE,"OH, WERE YOU AN ATHLETE?"

I MEAN, CUTS LIKE,"OH, WERE YOU A NINJA?"

LIKE...LIKE CUTS, RIGHT?

AND I SAID TO HER --I'M LIKE, "DO YOU CUT YOURSELF?"

SHE SAID WITH A STRAIGHT FACE --SHE GOES,

"NO, I LIKE TO BE TIED DOWN

AND HAVE A GUY DRAGA KNIFE BLADE ALONG MY BODY."

SHE SAID,"IT DOESN'T MAKE YOU BLEED.

IT JUST MAKES THE SKIN RISE UP."

"FIRST OF ALL..."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"...GOODBYE!

"I'M NOT TRYING TO GET AIDS

AND SALMONELLAON A FRIDAY NIGHT."

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

SO, I'M SINGLE. UH...

NO, I'M NOW IN WHAT'S KNOWNAS A LONG-DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP,

WHICH IS VERY TOUGH.

I LIVE IN L.A.,AND SHE LIVES IN THE FUTURE.

IT'S TOUGH.

DATING'S IMPOSSIBLE,THOUGH, RIGHT?

THIS HAPPENED TO METHE OTHER DAY.

HAVE YOU GUYS EVER BEENIN THIS SITUATION?

THIS MIGHT BE TOO L.A.FOR YOU GUYS,

BUT YOU EVER IN A POSITIONWHERE YOU'RE DATING SOMEBODY

AND SHE TELLS YOUSHE'S AN ANOREXIC

BUT THERE'S JUST NO WAY?

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

I WAS DATING THIS GIRLWHO TOLD ME SHE WAS AN ANOREXIC.

I WAS LIKE, "WELL,KEEP WORKING ON IT BECAUSE...

"DID YOU JUST START RIGHT NOW?

"RIGHT -- 'CAUSE THE ONLY RIBSI SEE ARE ON YOUR PLATE,

AND THEY'RE DONECLEAN TO THE BONES, SO..."

I'M JUST SAYING,IF YOU'RE NOT THAT SKINNY,

YOU CAN'T TELL SOMEONEYOU'RE AN ANOREXIC, RIGHT?

IF I THROW UP AT NIGHT,IT'S NOT BULIMIA.

IT'S JAGERMEISTER.

YOU GOT TO BE AWAREOF YOUR ISSUES.

BUT I'M ALSO A VERY LOYAL GUY.I'VE NEVER CHEATED ON ANYBODY.

YOU KNOW, BUT I USED TO GOON THE ROAD DOING COMEDY,

AND I'D GET LONELY.

AND ONE TIME, I WENT TOTHIS ASIAN MASSAGE PARLOR.

ANYONE EVER BEENTO AN ASIAN MASSAGE PARLOR?

ALL RIGHT, COOL.ONE GUY.

AND THE REST, LIARS!

I WENT TO THIS PLACE.

FIRST OF ALL,IT WAS NOT THE SEXUAL KIND...

AS IT TURNED OUT.

I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW...

I DIDN'T EVEN KNOWTHAT WAS AN OPTION, REALLY.

BUT I WENT DOWN THERE.

IT HAD A BIG SIGN THAT SAID,"NO SEXUAL FAVORS."

I'M THINKING, "IT'S NOT A FAVORIF I PAY FOR IT."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

RIGHT?

THANK YOU FOR GETTING THAT.YEAH.

THAT'S RIGHT.

A SEXUAL FAVOR IS LIKE,"CAN I GET A RIDE TO THE AIRPORT

AND YOU JUST [BLEEP] MEIN THE TERMINAL?"

BUT I DIDN'T HAVE TO FLY.

SO, I WENT DOWN THERE'CAUSE I'D LOOKED IT UP ONLINE.

'CAUSE I HAVEA VERY LAX SCHEDULE,

AND IT SAID THE WOMENWERE 90 POUNDS.

THEY WALK ON YOUR BACK.

I'M LIKE, "THAT SOUNDS GOODFOR MY CHAKRAS."

I'M GONNA GIVE IT A SHOT, RIGHT?

BUT HERE'S THE THING --

YOU DON'T GET TO PICK YOURMASSEUSE IN THESE SITUATIONS.

AND I'M LYING THEREON THE BED VERY VULNERABLE.

MY MASSEUSE COMES IN --SHE ISN'T 90 POUNDS AT ALL!

I DON'T KNOW IF SHE HADA THYROID CONDITION

OR SHE WAS JUST REALLYINTO RICE, BUT...

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

I'M LYING THERE.

I'M LIKE,"BEFORE YOU WALK ON MY BACK,

"YOU GOT TO JUST WALKA LITTLE BIT.

LIKE, YOU GOT TO MASSAGEA TREADMILL."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

YOU'RE JUDGING ME.I CAN -- DON'T JUDGE.

IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK.

I HAVE A PROBLEMWITH PROSTITUTION...

FINANCIALLY.

IT IS -- ALL RIGHT?

YOU CAN'T AFFORDA HAPPY ENDING IN THIS ECONOMY.

YOU CAN AFFORD A "HMM" ENDING,

THEN YOU GOT TO FINISH OFFIN THE CAR, RIGHT?

MOM WAS ALWAYS SMOKING WEEDAROUND THE HOUSE.

IT'S NOT COOL.

IF YOU'RE A PARENT, DON'T SMOKEWEED IN FRONT OF YOUR KIDS.

BECAUSE IT RUINS WEED FORYOUR KIDS, AND THAT'S SELFISH.

I SEE MY MOM ROLLING JOINTS --VERY CONFUSING.

THE FIRST TIME SOMEONE OFFEREDME A JOINT IN HIGH SCHOOL,

"I'M NOT GOINGTHROUGH MENOPAUSE.

WHY WOULD I WANT THAT?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"MY TEMPERATURE'S FINE,AND I'M VERY FERTILE.

JUST ASK MY SOCKS."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

THAT'S A MASTURBATION JOKE.

OH, THEY'RE GETTING OLD NOW,TOO.

MY DAD TURNED 68 THIS YEAR,GOT THE FAKE TEETH HOOKED UP.

IT'S LIKE,NO DISRESPECT TO OLD PEOPLE,

BUT WHY WHENTHEY GET THE FAKE TEETH,

DO THEY GOT TO GETTHE FAKE TEETH

THAT ARE SOUNREALISTICALLY GOOD?

DO YOU NOTICE THAT?

THE TEETH NEVER MATCHTHEIR HORRIBLE FACE.

LIKE, FACE IS FALLING APART.

TEETH ARE PERFECTLY STRAIGHT,PERFECTLY WHITE, NICE AND BIG.

IF YOU LOSE YOUR ARM,

YOU DON'T GET A FAKE ARMWITH BIG MUSCLES ON IT!

[ GRUNTS ]

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

RIGHT?

YOU LOSE YOUR EYE,YOU GET A REGULAR EYE.

YOU DON'T GET SOME RED-DOT,"TERMINATOR 2" EYE POPPED IN.

I'M SAYING A BALD MANDOES NOT GET AN AFRO TOUPEE.

IT DOESN'T HAPPEN.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

I TURNED 28.

I'LL TELL YOU,

I'VE ACTUALLY BEEN HAVING SEXWITH A LOT OF OLDER WOMEN LATELY

'CAUSE IT'S REALLY EASY TO DO.

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

IT IS EASY!

AND THIS IS INTERESTING, MAN.

NOW THAT I'VE HAD SEXWITH OLDER WOMEN,

I FEEL LIKEI KNOW YOUNG WOMEN

BETTER THAN YOUEVEN KNOW YOURSELVES.

'CAUSE I'VE SEEN YOUIN THE FUTURE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND YOU'RE DIRTY.

YOU TALK TO WOMEN WHO ARE 25,

THEY'RE LIKE, "I DON'TDO THAT KIND OF THING."

"WELL, YOU DON'T DO IT NOW."[ LAUGHS ]

"IN THE FUTURE, YOU DO!"

I'M NOT MAKING THAT UP, RIGHT?

THERE ARE MAJOR DIFFERENCES

BETWEEN WOMEN WHO ARE 25 AND 35,RIGHT?

25, 35 --MAJOR DIFFERENCES.

LIKE TO A WOMAN WHO'S 35,

BEING ON HER PERIOD JUST MEANSYOU PUT A TOWEL DOWN.

THAT IS ALL THAT MEANS TO HER.

IF YOU TELL A 35-YEAR-OLD WOMANYOU WON'T HAVE SEX WITH HER

'CAUSE SHE'S ON HER PERIOD,SHE WILL CALL YOU A [BLEEP]

THAT'S WHAT WILL HAPPEN.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I DON'T SAY THAT WORDIN ANY KIND OF A HATEFUL WAY.

I'VE VERY OPEN-MINDEDON THAT SUBJECT.

IN FACT, HERE'S HOW I FEELABOUT GAY MARRIAGE.

I DON'T UNDERSTANDWHY PEOPLE CARE

WHETHER YOU MARRY A MANOR A WOMAN

'CAUSE IF YOU'VE EVER SEENA COUPLE OVER 65,

IT IS VERY HARDTO TELL WHO IS WHO.

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

"HEY.

I THINK THAT'S THE HUSBAND,WITH THE THINNER MOUSTACHE."

[ LAUGHTER ]

Man: WHOO!

"I WOULDN'T BANGEITHER OF THEM."

KILLS CONVERSATIONIN THIS COUNTRY

'CAUSE PEOPLE DON'T KNOWWHAT THEY CAN AND CAN'T SAY.

CASE IN POINT -- I RECENTLY SAWAL SHARPTON ON CNN

TALKING TO THIS WHITE REPORTER,AND AL WAS SAYING HOW HE THINKS

PEOPLE USE THE MEDIATO MAKE HIM LOOK BAD.

AND THE GUY WAS LIKE,

"AL, YOU CLEARLY USE THE MEDIATO MAKE PEOPLE LOOK BAD.

ISN'T THAT LIKE THE POTCALLING THE KETTLE..."

[ LAUGHTER ]

HE COULDN'T SAY IT.

'CAUSE PEOPLEARE SO WORRIED ABOUT RACE NOW,

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LIKE THE MEXICAN IMMIGRATIONISSUE.

THAT'S CLEARLY A RACIAL ISSUE.

PEOPLE DON'T LIKETO TALK ABOUT THAT.

THEY LIKE TO SAY, "WELL,IF MEXICAN PEOPLE COME HERE.

THEY'RE GONNA TURN AMERICANCULTURE INTO LATINO CULTURE."

BUT THAT'S STUPID BECAUSEWE ALREADY LOVE LATINO CULTURE.

WE LOVE TACOS AND CHILDREN.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

NO, BUT I'M FROM CALIFORNIA,

AND I HAVE A VERY STRONG OPINIONON MEXICAN IMMIGRATION.

I THINK ALL MEXICAN PEOPLE

HAVE A RIGHT TO COMEINTO THIS COUNTRY.

I THINK THEY DESERVE TO COMEINTO THIS COUNTRY.

I JUST DO NOT THINKTHEY SHOULD BE ALLOWED

TO BRING THEIR MUSIC WITH THEM.

THAT'S HOW I FEEL.'CAUSE IT'S AWFUL.

EVERYWHERE I GO IN L.A.THERE'S A MARIACHI BAND.

♪ LA TA TA TA TA TA "WHAT'S THE NEXT SONG?"

♪ LA TA TA TA TA TA "WHAT'S THE NEXT ONE?"

♪ LA -- EVERY SONG SOUNDS THE SAME!

IT'S SO REPETITIVE.

IT'S LIKE TECHNO FOR PEOPLEWITHOUT ELECTRICITY.

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

AND I GOT IN AN ARGUMENTTHE OTHER DAY

WITH A FRIEND OF MINEABOUT MUSIC AND RACE,

A "BLACK" FRIEND,

OR AFRICAN-AMERICANIF YOU'RE ANNOYING, AND...

HE WAS ON THIS WHOLE DIATRIBEABOUT HOW, MUSICALLY,

WHITE PEOPLE, WHITE CULTURE, HASSTOLEN A LOT FROM BLACK CULTURE.

HE'S LIKE, "BLACK PEOPLEINVENTED ROCK 'N' ROLL.

WHITE PEOPLE STOLE IT."

NOW, THAT'S 100% TRUE.BUT IT ALSO GOES THE OTHER WAY.

BLACK MUSICIANS CONSTANTLY STEALFROM WHITE CULTURE,

AND WE DON'T GET CREDIT FOR IT.

NOBODY ON THAT?

[ LAUGHTER ]

WELL, IT JUST SEEMS LIKEEVERY TIME I LISTEN TO HIP-HOP,

I HEAR THE "N" WORD.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I DON'T WANT TO SPLIT HAIRSOR ANYTHING!

BUT THAT WAS OURS!

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

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