Monday, January 18, 2016

  • 01/18/2016

Adam Savage, Rich Eisen and Ron Funches make unremarkable Internet discoveries, spice things up with #SexyScience and weigh in on the musical talents of pro athletes.

Ripped from today's Internetheadlines, it's Rapid Refresh.

(applause)

Here's a list of the mosttrendingest topics

today on the Web.

Let's blast through 'em.

Our first topic:

We learned two important,completely obvious

Internet facts this week:

First, the state with the mostvirgin OkCupid users is Utah.

That's not that... strange.

Here being...seen here being leered at

by Nevada and Colorado.

Right there.

Then there's... then there'sthe study that found

that most Internet trollsexhibit "dark traits

like sadism, narcissism,and antisocial tendencies."

Huh! So you're saying the guy

who posts "Eat (bleep)" undera hair-braiding tutorial

is a maladjusted asshole?

Well, I think that reportis fake and gay. Uh...

Comedians, what are some other"no duh" scientific discoveries

about the Internet?

-Ron Funches.-According to Facebook,

75% of your relativesare (bleep) racists.

-(laughter)-All right.

-(applause)-Points. Yeah.

(bell dings)

-Adam Savage.-The MythBusters' porn parody

MILF Busters containsno actual experiments.

(laughter)

(applause)

(whooping, whistling)

-Is that real? -It is real.I have never watched it.

My God.Well, guess what we're doing

after the show, Adam Savage.

Points to you.On to our next topic.

GuyFi. GuyFi.Adult toy company Hot Octopuss

turned a New York Cityphone booth

into a public masturbation hutchover a weekend.

This is gross, you know?Here in L.A.,

we jerk it the way God intended:

in our cars on the 405!

-Am I right, Los Angeles?-(whooping, applause)

And... sometimeson the 170 and the 101.

This booth was in responseto a survey

that found that 39% of peoplemasturbate at work.

So...

-which one of us is it?-(laughter)

It's Ron.

(whooping)

All right, comedians,what's a good term

for the growing trend ofcrankin' it while on the clock?

-Rich Eisen. -Touching base withthe head of internal affairs.

(laughter)

(applause, whooping)

Yep.

Yep. They're gonna coax outall my human resources.

Uh, Adam Savage.

Making homemade sticky notes.

(laughter)

(applause)

Points to Adam Savage.

On to our next topic:FurryAndFamous.

FurryAndFamous.Bow down, human scum,

because a new supreme animalis dominating the Internet.

Comedians, is it...

Ron Funches.

It's got to be a catthat takes selfies, please Lord.

Yeah, (bleep) yeah!It's the Internet! Of course!

-There it is.-(cheering)

(whooping, whistling)

Mm-hmm. This is...

The Internet is becomingself-aware and evolving.

It used to just bepictures of cats.

Now it's pictures of catstaking pictures of themselves.

It's now timefor the Hashtag Wars.

(cheering)

Yesterday,Spacex CEO and billionaire

whose name soundslike an airport cologne,

Elon Musk, posted this videoof the Falcon 9 rocket

not quite sticking the landing.

-EISEN: Look out.-(groaning, gasping)

-Look out.-HARDWICK: Wait for it.

-(audience shouting)-Oh!

When it's tipping over,you're like,

well, they can just propthat back... Oh, no, no.

Nope, not now.And I was really disappointed.

People online were like,"rocket fail."

Like, you (bleep) builda rocket.

Get it take offand then land intact.

How dare you people!

Musk said oneof the rocket's legs

failed to lockdue to condensation.

So proving that even in science

you got to lay the pipeto get things get wet. Uh...

Science is sexy!

Which is why tonight'sHashtag War is... SexyScience.

Examples might be:Porn Hubble.

-(laughter, applause)-Or...

uh, whamma bamma,thank you, gamma rays.

-Or...-(laughter)

my personal favorite,Feel-That-Ass Tyson.

-Uh... I'm gonna put...-(laughter)

I'm gonna put 60 secondson the clock, and begin.

-Ron.-A Bunsen squirter.

(laughter)

Points. Uh, Rich Eisen.

Two in the hydrogen,one in the oxygen.

Points.

Ron.

Uh, E equals MC squared.

That is XTC equalsmy (bleep) and two ladies.

-Points.-(laughter)

Adam Savage.

Hot Carl Sagan.

(laughter)

Points. Rich Eisen.

-Thomas Headison.-Yes. Points.

-Ron Funches.-Eat Uranus like groceries.

Yes. Points.

-Rich.-Golden asteroid shower.

-Points.-(laughter)

-Adam Savage.-Schrodinger's pussy.

-Yes. All right.-(laughter)

We have a fantastic panelon tonight's show,

and now it's timeto play ESPNSYNC. ESPNSYNC.

I think, um, I thinkone truism that Rich Eisen

would have to back me upon is that all pro athletes

make the best singers, always.

No one carries a tunelike someone who-who's had

a long career's worthof head trauma.

-So, comedians...-Yeah.

We're gonna show you a video ofsome sports fellows trying to...

succeeding to sing.For 250 points

you're gonna have to answera question about it.

Okay, first one,

Montreal Canadiens hockey teamsinging "Let it Go."

-♪ -♪ Let it go

♪ Let it go

♪ Can't hold it back any more

♪ Let it go

Let it go.

Side note-- they letthis video go for four minutes.

It's four minutes of that.Four whole minutes.

But they're Canadian minutes,so it seems shorter.

Uh, comedians, these guys seem,

like, a littleon the low-energy side,

so as their coach,I think they need a pep talk.

Ron Funches.

Look, are you guysgonna dig deep

and find thatfeminine angst or not?

Are you gonna let it goor are you gonna let it go?

I feel like I'm the only guy

that wants to builda (bleep) snowman here!

Points.

Rich Eisen.

If the Pittsburgh Penguinscan do The Little Mermaid,

boys, you can do this. Now putyour teeth back in and sing.

Yeah, points.Points.

Next up, pro wrestlerJerry Lawler

sings his hit"Wrestling With Girls."

♪ Friday night match

♪ In the bedroom tonight

♪ Wrestling with girls

He thinks he's people.

Uh, comedians,

what's the name of the albumthis is from? Ron Funches.

Oh, that's fromthe classic album

Pile-Drive That (bleep).

All right.Cl...

A classic album.Classic.

Rich Eisen.

I have the 8-track to that.

Girl, I'd Make Love To You

If the Steroids Hadn't Destroyed My Testicles.

Points.

Points for Rich Eisen.Adam Savage.

It's on the compilation Songs to Dry Vaginas To.

Yeah, poi...You...

Songs to dry them to.Yeah.

I was gonna say...

Are you experiencingtoo much wetness?

We've got a cure for that.

It's working, it's working.

Next one,back to Canada for a song

from the Montreal Flyershockey club.

♪ You can do

♪ What you want to do

♪ You can't touch a flame

♪ When it's red hot

♪ Red hot, red hot

Comedians, what do these guys'mustaches smell like?

Ron Funches.

Moose pussy.

Points.

All right, next one,

this jam fromthe Seattle Seahawks.

♪ I've been working outand getting strong ♪

That... that...

Wait a minute.Wait a minute.

That was...that was inspired.

(imitates saxophone)

I mean,I could do that all day.

Well, this guy is anaccomplished saxophone player.

He must have a nickname.What is it? Ron Funches.

Oh, that's Gay Jeff.

Oh, my God.

That... He didn't knowthere was a video being made.

That's just...that just was happening.

-That's just himliving his life. -Just happening

in the weight room.

He's like,"Oh, y'all shooting a video?

I'll get out of the way then."

-Points.-Oh, my God.

Adam Savage.

Uh, Steamy Kenny G-spot.

Yes, points, points.

Kenny G-spot, perfect.

Before the break, I told youthat Uber is considering

expanding to helicopters.I asked you to give me

some small talkas an Uber pilot.

Let's hear what you came upwith. Adam Savage,

-let's start with you.-Uh, here's a fun fact:

they won't let you chug a bottleof Robitussin

while driving a car, but thehelicopter license doesn't say

(bleep) about it. Bottoms up!

All right.

Perfect. Let's go over to Rich.Rich Eisen.

You know, with two felonieson my record,

they won't let me vote,but you'd be surprised

how easy it is to get a licenseto fly a 2,000-pound machine

with whirring blades filledwith high combustion fuel

over a busy highway! By the way,

High Combustion Fuel is the nameof the cologne I'm drenched in!

Oh, my.

Very nice.

Ronald Funches.

Yeah, you know the great thingabout restraining orders

is that they don't applyto the sky.

I see you, Debra!

As we go to our next game,#OscarsSoWhite.

#OscarsSoWhite.

As you probably heard,uh, no actors of color

were nominatedat the Academy Awards this year.

So all the nominees just looklike a pristine snowcap.

Uh, despite amazing performancesin movies like Creed

and Straight Outta Compton-- I was really surprised,

especially by that. So, theceremony's gonna look more white

than, like, a chardonnay lineat a Coldplay concert, uh...

Luckily, the hashtag,#OscarsSoWhite,

has been really hilariousall week, like this tweet.

"#OscarsSoWhite that the bearin Revenant would have snagged

a nomination if she were polar."

-That's good. That's good.-Well done, Marlon James.

So we thought we'd get inon the action.

Comedians, please give meas many #OscarsSoWhite tweets

as you possibly canin 60 seconds. And begin.

-Adam Savage. -They won't lettheir daughter date the Tonys.

Points. Ron Funches.

#OscarsSoWhite they're givinga lifetime achievement award

to the movie Powder.

Points. Adam.

The after-party'sat Cracker Barrel.

Points. Ron Funches.

Actually,I heard the after-party

was at Boston Market.

Points. Ron Funches.

I heard they're attemptingto adopt Chris Rock.

Points. Rich Eisen.

It's a Matthew McConaugheyJoint.

Points. Adam Savage.

Music by Macklemoreand Mumford & Sons.

Points. Rich Eisen.

A brunette counts as diversity.

Points. Rich Eisen again.

Spike Lee will be playedby Channing Tatum.

All right, points.

Perfect.