Shaw, Hazell, Mantel

  • Season 1, Ep 0107
  • 05/30/1994

of their profession--except for one short comic.

Um, there it was.


OK, Richard, wegotta do those right

off the bat tomake things going.

It's not hard toexplain why comedy

is so popular these days.

To help people cope withdaily stress in the '90s,

laughter has becomethe wonder drug.

And the best part is that youcan go to work the next day

and still pass the urine test.


That was a decent joke.

And are you folks readyto get this thing started?


-All right, let's get going.

This comedian tellsme that there's

nothing unusual about him.

But keep in mind that the peoplewho really need the most help

are always the last toadmit it, aren't they?

Please welcome anold friend of mine

from New York City, Bob Shaw.


[cheering and applause]

[music playing]

-The Zalman Klegman Trio withthe Klegman on the Fleygan.

I know, I'm a Jew, and I'mgoing to be 23 years old.

Life on the planetEarth-- I have

much to speak to God about.

If I ever meet God, I got a lotto speak out to God-- I want

to go, God, I gottacompliment you

on the idea of infinite space.

It goes on forever, andthen within infinite space,

billions of planetarysystems that

have ecosystemswith air and water.

And fish in the water die,decay, they wash up on shore,

become fertilizer for treesthat grow fruit, that fall.

People eat the fruit,they propagate.

More people come.

There's history and civilizationand culture and theater

and technology and movieand medicine and art

and books-- and God,how about a little hair

that stays on the head?

Nice to get tothat point in life

where you can comb yourhair with a damp rag.

You know where the hair goeswhen it leaves your head?

Comes out your nose, outyour ears, on your shoulders.

After about 35, youturn into a Chia Pet.

Actually, there's a reason--there's a reason the hair comes

out of your earsas you get older.

As you get older, you loseyour sight and your hearing,

so the hair coming out of yourears acts as curb feelers.

Much to speak to God about.

If I ever meet God,I want to go, God,

there was a lot of fun on Earth.

There was joy.

There was love.

There was Monet and van Goghand Mark Twain and Fellini,

but what was theidea of suffering?

People suffered.

Racism, sexism, disease,war, violence, greed.

And what was it, God, whenyou're driving down a highway

for an hour, 70miles an hour, you're

really cooking, all of asudden it slows to 50, 40, 30.

You're crawling around at 20miles an hour for half an hour.

Boom, it picks up to 40, 50,and there was no accident.

What was that?

I'm 42 now, whichis middle-aged,

and my friends tell me42 is not middle-aged.

But 42 times 2 is 84, and thenyou got 15 minutes to live.

I think the thing I had aboutgetting old is-- all getting

old means is you'refalling apart, basically.


My teeth-- I had a lotof silver put in my teeth

when I was a kid.

Now there are things Ican no longer crunch on.

I will never crunch ona popcorn kernel again.

I have gone fromGrape Nuts and milk

I'm now at the stage wherecold Jell-O on a silver filling

can make me look likea Picasso painting.

So much fear ofthe dentist, too.

Because you go the dentistnow, and because of disease,

they are in full Chernobyl gear.

You walk in, they got doublegloves, face masks, goggles,

helmet, stocking over helmet,bag over the stocking.

This is just the receptionist.

The dentist hits you with air.

[mimics suction sound]

-Does that hurt?

No, does that hurt?

Why don't you stick mein the eye with a pin

while you're at it?

The thing I reallyhate about getting old

is I can't take off the weightwhen I put it on anymore.

I think guys know they'regetting heavy when you drive

over a speed bumpand your tits shake.

So I tell my dad this.

My dad sends me the "NationalEnquirer" diet to lose weight.

This is where you substitute onemeal a day with four Slim Jims.

You ever read the ingredientson the package of a Slim Jim?

You know, it's 45% beef lips.

You open thepackage, the product

goes, "Please don't eat me."

Meanwhile, there's a herd ofcows somewhere going, mm-- moo.


Enjoyed being with you.

Take care.

Good night.

[cheering and applause]

[music playing]

You never see a person go,"Could I scooch that a little?"


They could back you rightinto the freezer section

with this thing.

"I was following a list.

Lay off."

It is powerful enough,I suggest we use it

in internationalborder disputes.

Next time there's a problemon the Iran-Iraq border,

200 miles of rubbergrocery tubing.

This is our-- OK.

You step on a line,you pay for it.

In fact, what I like to dois I like to buy a four-pack

of toilet paper every timeI shop, just so I can ask

the clerk thisjudgment question.

"Would you say I got theright amount of toilet paper

for the amount ofgroceries I bought?"

Oh, man, the look ontheir face is precious.

"Uh, well, it depends on howfast you-- uh, I don't know,

are you eating the bran first?

Or the evaporated milk?"

I have a girlfriend.

[cheering and applause]

I said it.

It's done.

I said the two wordstogether, girl and friend.

It's very difficult fora guy to get those words

in the same area withoutediting one of them out.

People say, who was that youwere with the other night?

That was a-- friend.

No, just a-- girl.

You know-- uh.


I happen to have a verybig crush on this girl.

And do you ever notice whenyou have a crush on somebody,

suddenly every song on the radiobegins to make sense to you?

and you could be my cowgirl."

Yes, I understand whatthey're saying now!

I should listen tothe lyrics more often.

I took her out for her birthdayto a very fancy restaurant

with a guy especiallyin charge of the pepper.

Have you ever beento a restaurant

where they have a peppersteward, a pepper guy.

And he's usually in back,and they have to call him

in for the job. "Wouldyou like the fresh ground

pepper on that?"



This guy-- this guy comescrashing out of the back.

He's got thisgondolier outfit on.

Clamdigger shorts and abig bazooka full of pepper.

"Say when.

Say when."

You know he's in backjust begging them.

"Ask 'em.

Ask 'em if they wantthe fresh ground pepper.

Come on!

I got three moreshows in me tonight.

Get me in front of the people.

I needed exposure."

It's the only kind ofseasoning that gets

that kind of attention.

You don't see a guy followinghim around that's got a cart

with a salt lickand a chisel on it,

going, "Can I whittle so moresalt onto your tater rounds?"

We went to the movies,and at the movie theater,

cashier's behind a sheetof bulletproof glass,

everywhere exceptwhere her head is.

It's unbelievable.

We went to see "Henry theV," or whatever that is.

Henry the Fifth.

I get confused.

Because in junior high school,there was this kid named Enos.

You don't have to guesswhat we called him.

Anyway, he-- he was readingout loud in class. "King Louis

the X-V-1," right?

So we're all laughingat him, thinking hey,

we've learned forEnos's mistake, right?

quoting Malcolm the 10th.

OK, which is MalcolmX, but I don't know.

So I'm-- I have allthis authority suddenly.

"Malcolm the 10th,very popular--" Jesus.

Everything you learnincorrectly as a kid,

you can nevercorrect as an adult.

First time I saw theword "therapist,"

I was in the high schoolprincipal's office waiting

for Mr. Just, if youhave to know everything.

And I see the word "therapist,"and I read it, "the rapist."

That's what it--"Oh my god, there's

a rapist in my high school.

I have to get out of here.

I'm skipping homeroom.

I'm going right home."

And I find out,even kids now, they

don't even learn howto tell time properly.

I asked a groupof, like, teenagers

if they drove with their handsat 2 and 10 o'clock one time.

2 and 10 o'clock.

They're looking attheir digital watches.

"What does he meanby 2 and 10 o'clock?

What is this Earthtime he speaks of?"

Anybody here drive with theirhand at 2 and 10 o'clock?




We drive one-handed with ourthumb, our elbow, or our knee,


We're going 85 througha school district.

We got some open liquorand a handgun on the seat.

We still find time toget open the glove box,

change cassettes, adjust themirror, put on the lip gloss,

smoke a cigarette, rolldown the window-- frankly,

the wheel is in ourway, am I right?

If we could take this and moveit into the backseat, where

the people who actually knowhow to drive are located,

we'd all be more happy.

Good night.

[cheering and applause]

I was always in love with myhorse, growing up, you know?

I was madly in love with Velvet.

I was telling a friend ofmine about it the other day.

She actually bought me thebook, "Women Who Love Horses

and the Horses WhoHate Them," OK?

So now I'm in asupport group for that.

Actually, I justwrote an article.

I just wrote anarticle about the love

I always had for my horse.

It's entitled, "I'mStable; You Live in One."



But now I'm in show business.

People are alwaystelling me, Hen,

you're going to dothe comedy, you're

going to do theshow biz, you better

start to wear some makeup.

I get so sick of peopletelling me to wear makeup.

I finally justtook some lipstick.

I wrote, "You suck"on my forehead, OK?

My idea of gettingdressed up is like wearing

the cherry-flavoredChapstick, OK?

I feel all gussied upand sassy then, I do.

I don't have time to putthe makeup on every day.

Some of my friends?

Half hour, 45 minutes aday, putting the makeup on.

I don't have thatkind of time, OK?

I need that timeto clean my rifle.

I walked into Macy'sthe other day, you know.

I say, OK, I'm going to givein to this peer pressure that's

lying so heavily upon myshoulders as we speak.

I'm going to give in.

I'm gonna buy some makeup.

I walked right upto the counter.

You know, these gals are lookingat me, I'm looking at them.

One turns around to theother, she goes, "Oh my god!

Oh, god, couldn't we ever havea field day on this gal, huh?"

I just turned around, Isaid, "Where they hell'd you

learn to whisper, in a sawmill?

Now get away from me and take acrowbar and chip that crap off

your face whileyou're at it, OK?

Bugging me."

[cheering and applause]

You gotta be pretty, though.

Pretty, pretty, pretty, prettyYou gotta be pretty, you know?

What really bugs me is thesegals on the news, you know?

Heaven forbid they shouldpick up a pencil and a piece

of paper and go toCentral America,

but they're just pretty.

No matter what they talk about,they're just pretty, you know?

Deborah Norville on "The TodayShow." that woman, whatever

she's talking about--"Well, seven people

died today in Lithuania,but that doesn't stop me

from still beingvery, very pretty."

And she's so meanto Willard Scott.


I never know if it's going tobe a hair day or a bald day,

you know?

By Friday, he's alwaysgot the hair off.

And she's so mean to him.

The other day, he wastrying to get her attention.

He's going, "Uh, Debbie.

Uh, Debbie.

Uh, Debbie."

And she wouldn't turn around.

Pretty soon, she turns aroundand she goes, "Uh, Willard,

its Deborah."


I'll tell you rightnow, you guys.

If I was making$1.2 million a year,

you could callDingbat Dorkhead, OK?


I just love wakingup, watching the news.

I'm totally addicted to coffee,too, and I'm trying to quit,

because I get all wiredup, watch the news.

It's big excitement, you know.

Now I'm trying to quit, becauseI found out they're saying

that they're using caffeineas an insecticide now.

They're spraying itover the crops in Texas

to kill the bugs.

I said, I'm putting thatin my body every day?

Just to prove 'em wrong, theother night in my apartment

I took a cup ofcoffee, poured it

all on the floorboardsof my kitchen.

Not only did it leavethe roaches alive,

they kept me up allnight talking, OK?

It was awful.

I-- I gotta get out of here.

I don't know, I--actually, I was going

to talk about my oldboyfriend, but he broke his leg

and I had to shoot him.

So, uh, thank you very much.

Good night.

[cheering and applause]