Shaw, Hazell, Mantel

  • Season 1, Ep 7
  • 05/30/1994

Shaw, Hazell, Mantel

I know, I'm a Jew, and I'mgoing to be 23 years old.

Life on the planetEarth-- I have

much to speak to God about.

If I ever meet God, I got a lotto speak out to God-- I want

to go, God, I gottacompliment you

on the idea of infinite space.

It goes on forever, andthen within infinite space,

billions of planetarysystems that

have ecosystemswith air and water.

And fish in the water die,decay, they wash up on shore,

become fertilizer for treesthat grow fruit, that fall.

People eat the fruit,they propagate.

More people come.

There's history and civilizationand culture and theater

and technology and movieand medicine and art

and books-- and God,how about a little hair

that stays on the head?

Nice to get tothat point in life

where you can comb yourhair with a damp rag.

You know where the hair goeswhen it leaves your head?

Comes out your nose, outyour ears, on your shoulders.

After about 35, youturn into a Chia Pet.

Actually, there's a reason--there's a reason the hair comes

out of your earsas you get older.

As you get older, you loseyour sight and your hearing,

so the hair coming out of yourears acts as curb feelers.

Much to speak to God about.

If I ever meet God,I want to go, God,

there was a lot of fun on Earth.

There was joy.

There was love.

There was Monet and van Goghand Mark Twain and Fellini,

but what was theidea of suffering?

People suffered.

Racism, sexism, disease,war, violence, greed.

And what was it, God, whenyou're driving down a highway

for an hour, 70miles an hour, you're

really cooking, all of asudden it slows to 50, 40, 30.

You're crawling around at 20miles an hour for half an hour.

Boom, it picks up to 40, 50,and there was no accident.

What was that?

I'm 42 now, whichis middle-aged,

and my friends tell me42 is not middle-aged.

But 42 times 2 is 84, and thenyou got 15 minutes to live.

I think the thing I had aboutgetting old is-- all getting

old means is you'refalling apart, basically.


My teeth-- I had a lotof silver put in my teeth

when I was a kid.

Now there are things Ican no longer crunch on.

I will never crunch ona popcorn kernel again.

I have gone fromGrape Nuts and milk

I'm now at the stage wherecold Jell-O on a silver filling

can make me look likea Picasso painting.

So much fear ofthe dentist, too.

Because you go the dentistnow, and because of disease,

they are in full Chernobyl gear.

You walk in, they got doublegloves, face masks, goggles,

helmet, stocking over helmet,bag over the stocking.

This is just the receptionist.

The dentist hits you with air.

[mimics suction sound]

-Does that hurt?

No, does that hurt?

Why don't you stick mein the eye with a pin

while you're at it?

The thing I reallyhate about getting old

is I can't take off the weightwhen I put it on anymore.

I think guys know they'regetting heavy when you drive

over a speed bumpand your tits shake.

So I tell my dad this.

My dad sends me the "NationalEnquirer" diet to lose weight.

This is where you substitute onemeal a day with four Slim Jims.

You ever read the ingredientson the package of a Slim Jim?

You know, it's 45% beef lips.

You open thepackage, the product

goes, "Please don't eat me."

Meanwhile, there's a herd ofcows somewhere going, mm-- moo.


Enjoyed being with you.

Take care.

Good night.

[cheering and applause]

[music playing]