CC Presents: Rich Vos

  • 02/14/2008

MEXICAN. ENOUGH ALREADY.

THEY MAKE IT ACROSS THE BORDER.THEY'RE IN.

THEY GET CAUGHT AT THE BORDER.THEY GET SHOT.

IT'S LIKE HIGH STAKES RED ROVER.

RED ROVER, RED ROVER,LET PACO COME OVER.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HERE'S ANOTHER SOLUTIONFOR THE ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION.

I SAY WE LETALL THE MEXICANS IN.

BUT THEY HAVE TO JOINTHE MILITARY.

- THEN WE INVADE MEXICO.- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND WE DON'T HAVEAN EXIT STRATEGY.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

- GOOD. BALTIMORE STINKS.- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I WAS AT A HOTEL IN BALTIMORE.

PEOPLE THAT WORKBEHIND THE COUNTERS IN HOTELS

HAVE TO BE THE DUMBEST PEOPLEON THE PLANET. THEY REALLY ARE.

THOSE ARE THE PEOPLEWHITE CASTLE SAID, "NAH."

THEY'RE THE DUMBEST PEOPLETHAT WORK THERE.

I'M AT A HOTEL IN BALTIMOREAND MY COFFEEPOT DOESN'T WORK.

SO I GO DOWN TO THE FRONT DESK.I GO TO THE GUY,

"MY COFFEEPOT DOESN'T WORK.HE SAID, "DID YOU PLUG IT IN?

REALLY? I THOUGHT THAT CORDWAS A PULL START.

[LAUGHTER]

THE CONVERSATION SHOULD'VE BEEN,"MY COFFEEPOT DOESN'T WORK."

AND HE SAYS, "OKAY,I'LL SEND YA ANOTHER ONE."

THAT SHOULD'VE BEENTHE CONVERSATION. THEN HE SAYS,

"IT'S NOT DRIPPING?" "ONE OFTHE REASONS IT'S NOT WORKIN'."

HE SAID,"WHAT DO YOU THINK IS WRONG?"

"YOU DIDN'T GRADUATEHIGH SCHOOL."

- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]- WHAT DO I THINK IS WRONG?

WELL, WHEN I TOOKTHE BACK PANEL OFF,

I NOTICED THE FAN BELTBY THE PERCOLATOR WAS SNAPPED.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU JACKASS.

I WAS AT A HOTEL IN CLEVELAND--IN CLEVELAND--

WE LOCKED OUR KEYS IN THE ROOM.SO I GO DOWN TO THE FRONT DESK

I GO, "WE LOCKED OUR KEYSIN THE ROOM." AND SHE SAID,

- "YOUR CAR KEYS?"- [LAUGHTER]

"YEAH. WE'RE TELLIN' EVERYBODY."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WHEN YOU CALL THE FRONT DESKFROM YOUR HOTEL ROOM THEY KNOW

THEY KNOW WHAT ROOMYOU'RE CALLING FROM, RIGHT,'CAUSE IT LIGHTS UP.

THE NEXT MORNING, CLEVELAND,I CALLED THE FRONT DESK. I GO,

"HOW DO YOU GET TO THE AIRPORT?"AND SHE SAID, "FROM WHERE?"

[LAUGHTER]

"A SMALL VILLAGE IN ISTANBUL."

"FROM WHERE?"

"RIGHT ABOVE YOU, STUPID.

"TOUCH THE TOP OF YOUR HEADAND GO UP EIGHT FEET.

"THEN GO UP 10 MORE STORIESAND HEAVE YOURSELF OFF THE ROOF.

"BUT FIRST CALL YOUR BROTHERAND TELL 'EM

I FIXED THE COFFEEPOT, OKAY?"

LOOK AT THIS HORRIBLEHAIRCUT I GOT FOR THIS.

I LOOK LIKE A ROMAN NICKEL,DON'T I?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I FEEL LIKE CAESAR.NOW WHEN I GO [BLEEP]ON MY WIFE I GO,

"I BRING YOU NEWSFROM THE NORTH.

WE WILL ATTACK AT NOON."

I AM SO GLAD THATWE'RE DOING THIS IN NEW YORK.

I JUST LOVE WORKINGNEW YORK CITY.

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

AND I'M NOT JUST SAYIN' THAT'CAUSE I'M A PANDERING JACKASS.

I WAS WORKINGNEW YEAR'S EVE AT A CLUBIN TIMES SQUARE.

THERE WAS A HALF A MILLIONPEOPLE IN TIMES SQUARE,

IN THE COLD,FOR 10 TO 15 HOURS TO DO THIS.

[LAUGHTER]

WELL, THAT WAS FUN.WHAT DO YA WANNA DO NOW, HUH?

YOU KNOW SOME JACKASSFLEW IN FROM THE WEST COAST.

HE'S OUT THERE ALL DAY.HE'S LIKE, "HEY.

"AH, GEE.

- JESUS." RIGHT?- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND EVERYBODY KNOWS THATONE JACKASS ON NEW YEARS.

THIS IS GONNA BE MY YEAR.IT'S GONNA BE MY YEAR.

TWELVE O'CLOCK, IT'S ALL GONNATURN AROUND, HUH?

WHAT ABOUT THE LAST 10 YEARS,HOW ABOUT THOSE YEARS,

THROW YOURSELF OFF A ROOFTHEN IT'LL BEYOUR FAMILY'S YEAR, OKAY?

OH-- OH, IT'S GONNA GETA LOT WORSE FOLKS, OKAY?

[LAUGHTER AND CHEERS]

ALL NEW YEARS IS TO ME

IS TO TAKE YOUR DUMBCHRISTMAS DECORATIONS DOWN.

TAKE 'EM DOWN.THEY'VE BEEN UP TOO LONG.

PEOPLE THAT PUT UPCHRISTMAS DECORATIONS,ALL THEY'RE SAYING IS,

"HEY, WE'RE NOT JEWS.ALL RIGHT."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

THE GUY DOWN THE BLOCKWITHOUT THE LIGHTS,JEW, NOT US, ALL RIGHT.

I'M A JEW. I KNOW. ALL RIGHT.

AND YOUR DUMB BLOW-UP SNOWMEN,PLEASE. I STABBED EIGHT OF 'EM

- THIS YEAR, OKAY.- [LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

THERE'S A NEW JEW IN TOWN.

MEXICAN. ENOUGH ALREADY.

THEY MAKE IT ACROSS THE BORDER.THEY'RE IN.

THEY GET CAUGHT AT THE BORDER.THEY GET SHOT.

IT'S LIKE HIGH STAKES RED ROVER.

RED ROVER, RED ROVER,LET PACO COME OVER.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HERE'S ANOTHER SOLUTIONFOR THE ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION.

I SAY WE LETALL THE MEXICANS IN.

BUT THEY HAVE TO JOINTHE MILITARY.

- THEN WE INVADE MEXICO.- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND WE DON'T HAVEAN EXIT STRATEGY.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

JEW RIGHT THERE, RIGHT?I'M GOOD AT THIS. HOLD ON.

NOT A JEW-- ENEMY. AH...HOLD ON.

JEW RIGHT?TWO FOR TWO SEE THAT?

I'M LIKE HOW BLACK PEOPLECAN SPOT OTHERBLACK PEOPLE, YOU KNOW.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WE GOTTA BLACK GUY RIGHT THEREWITH A WHITE GIRL.

GOT YOU A CO-SIGNER, HUH?

[LAUGHTER, OH'S & APPLAUSE]

HOW MANY CAR PAYMENTSHAVE YOU BEEN GOING OUTWITH HER FOR, HOW MANY?

- I'M HISPANIC, BY THE WAY.- YOU'RE HISPANIC. YEAH, SURE.

- AND I'M A LOAN OFFICER.- [LAUGHTER]

I KNOW THE STRUGGLEBROTHER, ALL RIGHT?

I GREW UP INAN ALL BLACK NEIGHBOR INPRINCETON, ALL RIGHT?

[LAUGHTER]

EVERYBODY GETSSO UPTIGHT WHEN YOU DOA BLACK JOKE. ALL THE--

"OOH." TURN ON BET COMIC VIEWAND YOU'LL WATCH BLACK COMICS

TRASH WHITE PEOPLEFOR AN HOUR, ALL RIGHT?

"WHITE PEOPLE, CRAZY.THEY PAY TAXES. HA-HA!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"CRAZY ASS CRACKERS GOIN'TO THE MOVIES AND NOT TALKIN'.

[LAUGHTER, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

- SHOWING UP ON TIME."- [LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

- OH, THIS IS GONNA BE FUN.- [LAUGHTER]

WE JUST CELEBRATEDPASSOVER, PASSOVER

WHERE YOU EAT THAT BIG MATZO,THAT BIG DRY CRACKER.

ONLY A JEW COULD TAKE ALL THEHAPPINESS OUT OF BREAD, OKAY?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

ONE OF THE TRADITIONSON PASSOVER IS,

IS THE GRANDPARENT WILL TAKEA LITTLE PIECE OF THE MATZO,

WRAP IT IN A HANDKERCHIEFAND HIDE IT.

AND ALL THE LITTLEJEW BAD GRANDCHILDREN

WILL RUN ANDTRY TO FIND IT FOR A DOLLAR.

THEY START US OFF YOUNG.

AT SOME POINT IN MY LIFEI'M GONNA STICKMY HEAD OUT THE WINDOW

AND YELL AT KIDSTO GET OFF MY LAWN. I KNOW IT.

I'M GONNA BUY A HOUSEBY A SCHOOL SO I CAN DO IT

ALL DAY LONG."HEY, KID, COME HERE.

- GET THE HELL OFF MY LAWN!"- [LAUGHTER]

EVEN IF I'M ON LIKE,THE 10th FLOOR, RIGHT,

I'M GONNA STICK MY HEAD OUTAND YELL, "GET OFF THE LAWN!"

AND I'M GONNA FRY HOT PENNIESAND THROW HOT PENNIES ON KIDS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

LITTLE JEWISH KIDSARE GONNA RUN HOME GOIN',

"I GOT GOOD NEWSAND I GOT BAD NEWS."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

- I DON'T LIKE PEOPLE.- YEAH!

YOU KEEP AGREEING WITH ME.THANK YOU.

I HATE WHEN I'M LEAVIN'SOMEBODY'S HOUSE.

INSTEAD OF THEM SAYING"GOOD-BYE" THEY GO,

"BE CAREFUL." WHAT?IS SOMEBODY AFTER ME?

WHAT DO YOU KNOW?ARE YOU THREATENING ME?

IS THAT'S WHAT'SHAPPENING RIGHT NOW?

I'M GONNA GO HOME TONIGHTAND WATCH SOME LAW & ORDER.

THAT'S ALL I DO. LAW & ORDER IS ON EVERYNETWORK ON TELEVISION.

IT'S ON EVERY NETWORK.I THINK IT'S ON RADIO NOW.

YOU PROBABLY COULDGET THE CAST FROM LAW & ORDERTO COME TO YOUR HOUSE

AND PERFORM IN YOUR LIVING ROOM,AT THIS POINT.

LAW & ORDER IS ONEVERY NET-- I LOVE--

AND THERE'S LIKE40 DIFFERENT LAW & ORDER'S.

SVU, CRIMINAL INTENT, AH,PARKING AUTHORITY, RIGHT?

AND EVERY EPISODEGOES LIKE THIS.

"WE NEED A WARRANT." "YOU DON'THAVE ENOUGH EVIDENCE."

"BUT WE REALLY NEED IT." "OKAY."

AND MY FAVORITEIS THAT CRIMINAL INTENTWITH VINCENT D'ONOFRIO.

THAT GUY KNOWS EVERYTHING.HE COULD LOOK AT A FOOTPRINT

AND GO, "SHE LIKED HER EGGSOVER MEDIUM.

- HAVE YOU SEEN THEIR SHOW?- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THIS IS PROBABLYTHE CREEPIEST THING ON TV NOW.

IF YOU DON'T KNOW THE SHOW,DISGUSTING PEDOPHILES GO ONLINE.

THEY TRY TO GO INTO CHAT ROOMSAND PICK UP 13 AND 14 YEAR OLDS.

THERE'S DECOY'S IN CHAT ROOMS.THE DECOYS WILL SAY,

"WOULD YOU LIKETO COME TO MY HOUSE,

MY PARENTSARE GONE FOR THE WEEKEND?"

AND THESE DISGUSTING PEDOPHILESWILL TRAVEL FOR HOURS

TO GO THERE.THEY'LL GET TO THE HOUSE.

THE DECOY WILL BE INANOTHER ROOM SAY,

"SIT DOWN. I'LL BE RIGHT OUT.HAVE SOME LEMONADE.

THEY ALWAYS HAVE LEMONADE."

LIKE, HAVE SOME LEMONADE.I MADE LEMONADE,

AND HAVE LEMONADEAND SOME COOKIES."

THAT'S NOTTHE COOKIE HE'S THERE FOR.YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

SO SIT DOWN, MAKE YOURSELFCOMFORTABLE, RIGHT.

AND THESE DISGUSTING PEDOPHILESSOME OF 'EM WILL HAVE LIKE

BAGS OF ALCOHOL,YOU KNOW, PORNO STUFF, CONDOMS,

AND THAT'S WHEN THE HOSTFROM DATELINE WALKS IN.

I'M WAITING FOR ONE OF THESEDISGUSTING PEDOPHILES TO SAY,

"HEY, I DON'T DO THREESOMES,OKAY, PAL?"

THE GOOD THING ABOUT THIS SHOWIS WHEN THESE PEDOPHILES,

AND THEY ARE CREEPS,RUN OUT OF THE HOUSE,

THERE'S LIKE15 OR 20 COPS WAITING FOR 'EM.THEY THROW 'EM ON THE GROUND,

HANDCUFF 'EM,AND TAKE 'EM TO JAIL.

THEY CANNOT GET AWAY.IT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

I'M WATCHING AN EPISODE.THE GUY RUNS OUT OF THE HOUSE,

THERE'S 15 COPS,AND THERE'S A COP DRESSEDIN A TREE OUTFIT.

HE'S DRESSED AS A TREE.

IN CASE HE GETS THROUGHTHE 15 COPS,

- THE TREE--- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AS THE PEDOPHILE'SWALKING UP THE DRIVE LIKE,WOULDN'T BE SAY TO HIMSELF,

"WHY IS THAT TREESITTING IN A CAR?"

AND I WAS DIVORCEDWHEN THEY WERE YOUNG.

THEY WERE LIKE FOUR AND TWO.AND THEY TOOK IT TOUGH.

YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE I TOLD 'EMIT WAS THEIR FAULT, YOU KNOW.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

ME AND YOUR MOM CAN'T LIVETOGETHER WITH YOU GUYS HERE,

SO SOMEONE'S GOTTA GOAND YOU'RE IN A STROLLER,

AND YOU'RE JUST A CRAPIN' MESS.

[LAUGHTER]

SEE NOW MY FIRST WIFE,I REMEMBER WHENSHE WAS MOVING OUT.

AND THIS WAS REALLY DEPRESSING

WHEN MY FIRST WIFEWAS MOVING OUT--

I WAS VERY DEPRESSED,IT WAS CHRISTMAS EVE DAY,

THAT NIGHT CHRISTMAS EVE,

I HAD TO DO A SHOW AT ACOUPLES RESORT IN THE POCONO'S.

I HAVE TO MAKE 500 HAPPY IN LOVEHOLIDAY COUPLES LAUGH

AND I WANNA BLOW MY BRAINS OUTI'M SO DEPRESSED.

SO I DO THIS SHOW THE RESORT,

OKAY, THEN I GO BACK TO MY ROOM.

NOW I'M SITTING INA HEART-SHAPED TUB

WITH 30 MIRRORS AROUND MEMASTURBATING AND CRYING

- AT THE SAME TIME, OKAY?- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

DO YOU KNOW HOW DEPRESSING IT ISTO SEE YOURSELF IN 30 MIRRORS?

WELL, I FINISHED'CAUSE I STARTED, OKAY.

AND I DON'T KNOWIF YOU KNOW THIS,

BUT WHEN YOUMASTURBATE IN THE TUB,

WELL THE FINISHED PRODUCTRISES TO THE TOP.

NOW IT'S COMING AT MELIKE JELLYFISH.

AND I'M TRYING TO DODGE IT,'CAUSE IF IT HITS ME

- IT MIGHT MAKE ME GAY AGAIN.- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SO I GOT REMARRIED MY WIFE.

I MARRIED A CANADIAN.I WENT LOW BUDGET.

[LAUGHTER]

DUMB CANADA.WE DON'T NEED THEIRHELP IN IRAQ

WITH THEIR DUMB ARMY ON HORSES.

"PUT THE TANKS AWAY,THEY HAVE HORSES.

I THINK WE'RE BEING ATTACKEDBY THE RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL."

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