Tuesday, December 1, 2015

  • 12/01/2015

Mary Elizabeth Ellis, Adam Pally and Rob Huebel find out why hoverboards are this year's coolest gift, write #FirstDraftCartoons and discuss celebrity wedding favors.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNET

HEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU ARE AWARE OF

THIS.

IT'S OFFICIALLY DECEMBER NOW, AT

THE END OF 2015 IT'S THE FUTURE.

IT'S ALSO THE START OF THE

HOLIDAY SEASON AND

AND ALL OF THE KIDS ARE ASKING

FOR HOVERBOARDS, TAKE A LOOK.

[LAUGHING]

>> OH, LORD.

Chris: NOW THIS IS A DOUCHE

BAG FROM THE FUTURE OR A

DOCUMENTARY ON STEAM POWERED

DICK MOBILES.

ALL THIS GUY NEEDS IS IS A

FIDORA AND A BLUE RAY OF FIGHT

CLUB TO OFFICIALLY

TO BE THE [BEEP] WORST.

HOVERBOARDS ARE LITERALLY THE

HOTTEST GIFT THIS SEASON

LOOK THEY'RE CATCHING FIRE.

A THING THAT YOUR BODY IS ON

JUST BURSTS INTO FLAMES

SOMETIMES

THIS IS A SPATE OF HOVERBOARDS

THAT ARE EXPLODING LATELY

LIKE THIS ONE HERE

THIS ONE ACTUALLY BURNED DOWN A

LOUISIANA HOME LAST MONTH.

IN FACT, HOVERBOARDS ARE NOW THE

THIRD LEADING CAUSE OF LOUSIANA

HOUSEFIRES AFTER OVEREATING FAN

BOATS AND STEP DADS KICKING OVER

KEROSENE LANTERNS WHILE GATOR

WRESTLIN'.

COMEDIANS WHAT ARE OTHER DANGERS

OF RIDING A HOVERBOARD.

ADAM.

>> AFTER YOU GET ONE YOU HAVE TO

BECOME A VINE STAR.

>> Chris: POINTS.

MARY ELIZABETH.

>> THE WORST THING IS IT MAY NOT

CATCH ON FIRE.

THEN YOU HAVE TO EXPLAIN TO

EVERYONE WHY YOU'RE RIDING A

[BEEP] HOVERBOARD.

>> Chris: POINTS.

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> Chris: ALRIGHT MOVING ON.

AMERICA'S NO. 1 RACIST DONALD

TRUMP FAN, DONALD TRUMP, TURNED

TO EVERYONE'S FAVORITE TOPIC

THIS THANKSGIVING: 9/11!

WHAT A CRAZY DRUNK UNCLE ON

THANKSGIVING.

THE HUMAN TRAINWRECK WAS ROUNDLY

CRITICIZED FOR CLAIMING THAT

THOUSANDS OF MUSLIM-AMERICANS IN

NEW JERSEY WERE CHEERING DURING

THE ATTACKS, HAVING QUOTE

"TAIL-GATE STYLE PARTIES."

WHY THE [BEEP] WOULD YOU

CELEBRATE THE

DEATH OF AMERICA WITH A TAILGATE

PARTY, WHICH IS THE MOST

AMERICAN THING IMAGINABLE.

IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.

WELL, NOW WE KNOW THAT TRUMP WAS

RIGHT, AND IT DEFINITELY DID

HAPPEN. BECAUSE REVERSE SEX DOLL

STEVE DOOCEY REMEMBERS IT, TOO,

KIND OF.

>> I ACTUALLY REMEMBER THINGS

LIKE.

THAT I LIVE ONE TOWN AWAY FROM

ONE OF THE TOWNS ACCORDING TO MY

NEIGHBORS THEY SAW WITH THEIR

OWN TWO EYES PEOPLE WERE

CELEBRATING.

>> Chris: WAIT ALL OF HIS

NEIGHBORS SHARE TWO EYES, I

DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT.

NOBODY KNOWS ABOUT THE RAUCOUS

ALL-NIGHT

TWIN TOWER BONANZAS BECAUSE THE

MAINSTREAM MEDIA REFUSED TO

COVER IT AND ALSO BECAUSE, OH

RIGHT, IT NEVER HAPPENED.

COMEDIANS, WHAT'S ANOTHER ONE OF

TRUMP'S INACCURATE HISTORICAL

CLAIMS?

AFTER THE BE HINDENBERG BLEW UP

WE KNOW DOZENS OF MEXICANS

COOKED TACOS OVER THE OPEN

FLAMES.

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> TRUE.

Chris: MARY ELIZABETH.

>> THE TITANIC ACTUALLY SUNK

WHEN IT HIT ROSIE O'DONNELL'S

FAT

ASS IN THE OCEAN.

>> Chris: THAT'S SOMETHING HE

WOULD SAY.

SOME HOW HIS [BEEP] POLL NUMBERS

WOULD GO UP.

WHAT IS HAPPENING?

AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR TONIGHT'S

#HASHTAGWARS.

I AM A CARTOON FANATIC.

I ENJOY CARTOONS

THERE'S NOTHING LIKE STAYING IN

BED ON A SATURDAY MORNING, AND

WATCHING SOME ANIMATED FUNNIES

THAT BRAINWASH KIDS INTO BUYING

TOYS. NOSTALGIA ALERT! BUT, NOT

ALL CARTOONS COME OUT FULLY

FORMED. SO TONIGHT'S HASHTAG

IS...

#FIRSTDRAFTCARTOONS

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE:

MOUSE OF CARDS OR ANALMANIACS.

AND SCOOBY DON'T: SPECIAL

VICTIMS UNIT.

MARY ELIZABETH.

>> MY LITTLE PUSSY.

IT'S A CAT SHOW, GUYS.

>> Chris: POINTS.

ADAM.

>> LOONEY JEWS.

Chris: POINTS.

ADAM.

>> THE SIMPSONS BUT IT ENDS WHEN

IT SHOULD HAVE.

>> Chris: ARE YOU WATCHING THE

SIMPSONS CURRENTLY?

NO, SO SHUT THE [BEEP] UP.

>> THERE IS THE DOOR.

Chris: ROB.

>> ANTS BUT WITH AN " S."

NOT A "Z."

>> Chris: THAT WAS THE FIRST

DRAFT.

NO A Z.

>> IT'S THE GREAT PUMPKIN,

CHARLIE MANSON.

>> Chris: POINTS.

ROB.

>> HEMANATEE.

Chris: STOP.

DON'T HUMP THE LECTURN.

TAKE YOUR BALLS OFF THE LECTURN.

IT'S TIME TO

PLAY AHHH! CAPELLA!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Chris: EVERYONE'S BEEN LOSING

THEIR GDS OVER THIS NEW APP

"ACAPELLA" THAT ALLOWS PEOPLE TO

RECORD MULTIPLE VIDEOS AND LAYER

THEM ON TOP OF EACH OTHER TO

CREATE MASTERPIECES LIKE THIS:

♪ CANDY SHOP

♪ DON'T YOU STOP

[LAUGHING]

>> THAT WAS GREAT.

Chris: I WOULD WATCH THE

[BEEP] OUT OF THAT FOR LIKE AN

HOUR.

COMEDIANS I WILL SHOW YOU A

CLIP.

FOR 250 POINTS TELL ME THE NAME

OF THE ARTIST.

FIRST UP THIS RAT PACK.

♪ I HAD YOUR LOVE

♪ I HAD YOUR LOVE

♪ I HAD YOUR LOVE

♪ I CAN'T FIND IT.

>> Chris: MARY ELIZABETH.

>> ACTUALLY DEAF LEOPARD.

[LAUGHING]

>> Chris: WELL DONE.

ROB.

>> EARTH, WIND, AND DIARRHEA.

Chris: POINTS.

NEXT UP THESE FELLAS.

♪ LET ME TAKE YOU DOWN

♪ CAUSE I'M GOING TO

♪ STRAWBERRY FIELDS

♪ BA-DA

[LAUGHING]

>> Chris: YA I THINK PAUL

MCCARTNEY WAS LIKE WE GOT IT

RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.

>> DIVORCE BUDDIES.

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> Chris: POINTS.

ADAM.

>> THE VIAGRA COMMERCIAL.

Chris: POINTS.

MARY ELIZABRTH.

>> ASS AND THE HOLES.

[LAUGHING]

>> Chris: POINTS.

NEXT ONE.

THIS PALE BUNCH.

MU♪ HALLELUJAH

>> Chris: I KNOW WHO IS OPENING

FOR ASS AND THE HOLES.

ROB.

>> EVEN BLUE MAN GROUP HATES

THIS.

>> Chris: POINTS.

MARY ELIZABETH.

>> LITTLE JIZZY AND THE [BEEP]

BUNCH.

>> Chris: YA.

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> FAVORITE BAND.

Chris: NEXT ONE THIS MOSCOW

METAL HEAD.

♪ ENTER NIGHT

♪ GRAIN OF SAAAAND

(MOUTHING GUITAR)

>> Chris: ADAM.

>> YOU WHEN YOU HOSTED "SINGLE

OUT."

>> Chris: POINTS.

HE'S RIGHT.

HE'S RIGHT.

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> BURNED.

Chris: YOU GOT ME.

YOU GOT ME.

MARY ELIZABETH.

>> SWEET HOME CHERINOBLE.

Chris: POINTS.

POINTS.

NEXT ONE.

NEXT ONE.

♪ BUUMMMM

♪ LUKE, LUKE, LUKE I'M YOUR DAD

♪ I'M YOUR DAD.

>> Chris: A LOT OF PEOPLE FORGOT

THE LYRICS TO THE ORIGINAL

IMPERIAL MARCH.

ROB.

>> AN ASIAN GUY ABOUT TO BE SUED

BY GEORGE LUCAS.

>> Chris: POINTS.

NEXT ONE.

NEXT ONE

♪ I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU

♪ I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU

>> Chris: ROB.

>> CHRIS, I'M JUST ASKING YOU,

HOW MUCH LONGER IS THIS SEGMENT?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Chris: ROB, I'M -- I'M HAPPY

TO INFORM YOU AND GLAD YOU

BROUGHT IT UP JUST BEFORE THE

SHOW THE HEAD OF COMEDY CENTRAL

SAID, CHRIS, TONIGHT WE'RE

SCRAPPING THE REST OF THE

PROGRAMMING FOR THE NIGHT.

I WANT YOU TO DO ACAPELLA FOR

SEVEN HOURS STRAIGHT.

SO, LOCK IT IN, YOU GUYS.

>> NO!

Chris: IT'S GOING TO BE A

LONG BUMPY RIDE, RIDE, RIDE.

I ASKED YOU FOR ANOTHER WARNING

SYMBOL FOR A NEW YORK CITY

RESTAURANT MENU.

ADAM, LET'S START WITH YOU.

>> CAREFUL PIZZA RAT CROSSING.

Chris: ALRIGHT.

GOOD.

VERY COMMON.

MARY ELIZABETH.

>> WARNING DONALD TRUMP MIGHT

GET ELECTED

WHY ARE WE TALKING ABOUT

ANYTHING ELSE.

>> Chris: ALRIGHT.

ROB.

>> THE GUY WHO MADE THIS SALAD

BELIEVES IN GODS THAT WON'T LET

HIM WASH HIS HANDS.

OUR NEXT GAME.

MARRY KATE

IT'S TIME FOR MARRY KATE.

FORMER CHILD STAR AND FUTURE SEA

WITCH MARY-KATE OLSEN

--JUST OFFICIALLY TIED THE KNOT

TO OLIVIER SARKOZY, A FRENCH

BANKER WHO LOOKS LIKE HE SHOULD

BE FIGHTING STEVEN SEAGAL ON AN

OIL PLATFORM.

>> SHE LOOKS SUPER HAPPY.

>> SO HAPPY.

>> SO HAPPY.

Chris: HE ALSO LOOKS LIKE A

HUMAN BEING.

>> IS HIS HEAD UPSIDE DOWN?

Chris: HE'S ONE OF THOSE

THINGS AS A KID YOU GET THE

SHAVINGS AND THE MAGNET.

HE'S VERY HAPPY NOW.

[ APPLAUSE ]

NOW, SOME HAVE TAKEN ISSUE WITH

THE AGE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE

29-YEAR-OLD SICK BIRD AND HER

46-YEAR-OLD BEAU, BUT WHAT'S

REALLY GOT PEOPLE TALKING IS THE

REPORT THAT THEIR WEDDING DECOR

INCLUDED "BOWLS AND BOWLS FILLED

WITH CIGARETTES."

THEY'RE SHOCKED THERE WERE

CIGARETTES AT A FRENCH WEDDING?

I THINK THEY HAVE THEM AT FRENCH

PRESCHOOLS.

BUT I THINK WEDDING FAVORS DO

SAY A LOT ABOUT A COUPLE SO

I WANT TO SHOW YOU A PICTURE OF

A CELEBRITY COUPLE.

TELL ME WHAT A GUEST RECEIVES AT

THEIR WEDDING.

FIRST UP BRANGELINA.

A BOWL OF

SOMALI BABIES.

>> Chris: NEXT UP.

JAY-Z AND BEYONCE.

>> JAY-Z'S SELF HELP BOOK

TURNING YOU

FROM A JIGGA WHAT TO A JIGGA WHO

Chris: NEXT UP.

BERT AND EARNY .

>> BOWLS OF CIGARETTES.

Chris: POINTS.

NEXT UP, JOHN TRAVOLTA AND KELLY

PRESTON.

>> A SCIENTOLOGY JOKE I'M NOT

GOING TO MAKE HERE, CHRIS.

>> Chris: ARE YOU --

WORRIED THE

SCIENTOLOGISTS THAT RUN A LOT

OF HOLLYWOOD --

>> NO I'M NOT WORRIED ABOUT

SCIENTOLOGISTS AT ALL.

>> I'M NOT WORRIED.

Chris: WHAT ABOUT YOU, ADAM?

>> NO, I'M FINE WITH THEM.

ARE THEY HERE?

>> Chris: THEY'RE EVERYWHERE.

NEXT UP KIM AND KANYE.

ADAM.

>> IF YOU'RE A BLACK DUDE YOU

GET A KARDASHIAN.

IF YOU'RE A KARDASHIAN YOU GET A

BLACK DUDE.

>> Chris: POINTS.