The A-List
Season 1

Shirley Hemphill & Kelly Monteith

  • Season 1, Ep 0112
  • 02/24/1992

OR WHATEVER I BOUGHT THERE,SOME KIND OF THING

AND THE GUY--I WAS PAYING MY MONEY--

HE SAYS, "GEE, I'M SORRYYOU AND EVELYN CAN'T REACH

A SIMULTANEOUS ORGASM"

WHICH IS SORT OF FRIGHTENING.

IT SHAKES YOU UPA LITTLE BIT, YOU KNOW.

AS IF, GOD FORBID,I SHOULD ACTUALLY HAVE

A SIMULTANEOUS ORGASMWITH ANYBODY.

MY GOAL THIS YEAR IS TO MAKELOVE BEING NAKED, QUITE FRANKLY.

BUT YOU GOT TO...I'M LEARNING NOW.

I'M IN MY 40s NOW.

MY SHRINK SAYS, "YOU HAVETO RELAX YOUR LOVER."

I HAD NO IDEA.

I USED TO ACTUALLYGET ON MY KNEES AND GO

"I BEG YOU TO HAVE A CLIMAX,I BEG YOU TO HAVE A CLIMAX."

IT WAS LIKE JOLSON IN BED.

AND MY EX SAID TO ME

"I CAN'T HAVE AN ORGASMUNTIL THE BUDGET IS BALANCED."

I DIDN'T BELIEVE IT.

I HIRED AN ORGASM POSSEWHICH IS A WHOLE OTHER STORY.

BUT IT'S SAD, THOUGH.

I MEAN, MEN--

I'M NOT SPEAKING FOR YOUWATCHING OR IN THE AUDIENCE--

BUT I MEAN FOR ME--FORGET YOU GUYS-- ME.

I HAD THIS NEED TO PERFORM,AND IT'S SAD.

I FORGET ABOUT MYSELFDURING THE SEXUAL ACT.

IT WAS SO IMPORTANT FOR ME

JUST TO HAVE MY EXFEEL GOOD IN BED.

ACTUALLY, THE LOW POINT WASWHEN I STARTED TO SING

♪ HERE WE GO, ORGASM,HERE WE GO. ♪

AND THEN WHENIT FINALLY HAPPENED

YOU KNOW, RUNNING A VICTORY LAPAROUND THE BED, THAT WAS SAD.

AND THE HIGH-FIVE,WASN'T THAT UNNECESSARY?

THEN THE NEIGHBORS, WHO KNEWI WAS GOING THROUGH THIS TURMOIL

GAVE HIGH-FIVESTO EVERYBODY IN THEIR HOUSE.

AND THE NEIGHBORHOODDID THE WAVE

WHICH I THOUGHT WAS SAD.

ANYBODY WHO LIVESWITH ANOTHER PERSON

IT'S NOT THE MAN OR WOMAN'SFAULT, IT'S JUST HARD.

I'M A CLEAN FREAK,SO I'M WORRYING HIM TO DEATH.

TELL ME IF I'M WRONG.

IF I AM, I'M WOMAN ENOUGH TOSAY, "BABY, I MADE A MISTAKE."

YOU KNOW HOW YOU TAKE A SHOWEROR YOU TAKE A TUB BATH?

PERSONALLY, I TAKE A SHOWER.

I CAN TAKE A BATH,BUT I GET THE DIRT OFF OF ME

BUT I'M TOO FAT,SO IT SUCKS IT BACK ON ME.

HEY, THAT AIN'T THAT FUNNY,LET IT GO.

SO THEN, YOU KNOW, YOU TAKEA SHOWER OR YOU TAKE A TUB BATH

AND YOU TAKE THIS CLEAN TOWELAND YOU DRY YOURSELF OFF.

NOW THIS IS THE QUESTION.

ISN'T THIS TOWEL THEN DIRTY?

Audience:YES!

Man in audience:NO!

MAN, SEE, OOH, JESUS.

THIS IS WHAT MY MAN...

HE WAS IN THE CLOTHES HAMPERLOOKING FOR YESTERDAY'S TOWEL

LIKE IT HAD GOLD ON THAT THING.

AND HE PULLED OUT THIS THING,LOOKED LIKE A HOCKEY PUCK.

AND HE SAID TO ME, "BABY,CAN I USE THIS ANOTHER DAY?"

I WENT ( gags )"NOT IN THIS WORLD, COME ON."

"YOU'RE TAKING THE SKINOFF MY FACE.

WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?"

SO HE SAID, "WELL,I KNOW IT'S HARD RIGHT NOW

BUT WHEN THE WATER HIT IT,IT WILL TURN SOFT."

I SAID, "HEY, WE AIN'TCOOKING SPAGHETTI, PAL."

OKAY, NOW Y'ALL TELL MEIF I'M WRONG ON THIS.

DOES YOUR GUY DO THIS?

ANYWHERE IN THE HOUSE

HE WILL STEP OUT OF HISUNDERWEAR AND JUST WALK AWAY.

AND I'M A CLEAN FREAK,AND THAT WORRIES YOU.

AND YOU KNOW,YOU CAN'T NAG A MAN

BECAUSE HE'LL GOFOR A PACK OF CIGARETTES

AND NEVER COME BACK.

SO YOU HAVE TO SAY ITIN A NICE WAY.

YOU GO, "BABY, I DON'T KNOWHOW TO TELL YOU THIS

BUT YOU DROPPEDYOUR DRAWERS, HONEY."

AND MEN ARE GOODWITH THAT AMNESIA.

"WHAT? WHAT?"

HE'S STANDING THERE

WITH HIS LITTLE BEANS AND FRANKSHANGING ALL DOWN HERE.

YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES YOU DON'TWANT TO SEE MR. POTATO HEAD.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

YOU SAY, "PUT A SOCK ON IT,AND LET'S GO, BABY."

"WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?"

SO THE DRAWERS WERE THERETHREE DAYS

AND I SAID, "I'M NOT GOINGTO PICK THOSE UP.

I GOT EGO, THEY AIN'T MINE."

AFTER ABOUT THE THIRD DAY,I SAY

"WELL, GOD, I BETTERPICK THEM UP

BECAUSE THEY MAY TURNINTO A POTTED PLANT."

SO I START TO PICK THEM UP

AND I WENT,"WHOA! THIS MAN GOING TO DIE"

BECAUSE HE HAD THOSESKID MARKS... OH LORD!

( burst of laughter )

EVERY MAN'S GOT THEM,I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU SAY.

I DON'T KNOWWHETHER IT'S YOUR DIET

OR Y'ALL DON'T TAKE TIME TODO WHAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO.

MY DAD HAD AMTRAK IN HIS.

AND I REMEMBER MY MAMATAKING THOSE DRAWERS.

SHE'D GO, "HENRY,WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?

"I HAVE SOAKED THIS IN CLOROXFOR TWO WEEKS, WHAT IS THIS?

"LOOK AT THIS, I CAN'T EVENUSE THIS AS A DUSTING RAG.

WHAT IS THIS?"

AND MY DAD WOULD JUMP MACHO,"I'M A MAN, THAT'S WHAT IT IS.

"I AIN'T GOT TIMEFOR WIPING NO BUTT.

"WHAT'S THE PROBLEM HERE?

"I'M PAYING THESE BILLS, TRYINGTO KEEP THESE KIDS IN SCHOOL.

"DON'T WORRY MEABOUT NO ASS-WIPING.

NOW WHAT'S FOR DINNER?"AS HE DIGS ON HISSELF.

OH, I USED TO HATE FOR HIM TOCOME TO THE DINING ROOM TABLE.

"MA! DAD'S TOUCHINGTHE BISCUITS!

"MAMA!"

( laughter )

"I DON'T WANT NONE NOW."

I'M TRYING TO GETBETTER AT THAT.

I'M A HUGGER.

OOH, I LOVE TO HUG YOU.

THEN I'M THROUGH,I'M READY TO GO TO SLEEP.

( laughter )

YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANT TO.

DON'T HURT MEAND DON'T WAKE ME UP.

AND I'M NOT INTOTHAT KINKY, FREAKY STUFF

WHERE YOU PUT PEANUT BUTTERUNDER YOUR ARMPITS

AND LICK IT OFF, UM-MM.

NO, IF I WANT A SANDWICH, I GETUP AND GO MAKE ME A SANDWICH.

( applause )

I AIN'T LICKINGNOTHING OFF YOUR BODY.

OOH, THAT'S NASTY.

AND ( grunts ) THERE AIN'TGOING TO BE NONE OF THAT, NO!

NO, NO, NO.

THIS IS AN EXIT,THAT'S ALL THIS IS.

GET OUT OF HERE.

( laughter, applause )

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO TELL MEYOU LOVE ME THE NEXT MORNING

WHEN I'M WALKING LIKE THIS.

"YOU LOVE ME?"

THAT'S NASTY.

SOMETIMES, THOUGH,LOVEMAKING IS FUNNY.

YOU EVER BE MAKING LOVE WITHYOUR HUSBAND OR YOUR BOYFRIEND

AND YOU OPEN UP YOUR EYES,AND YOU SEE HIM MAKING LOVE.

THAT'S SOME FUNNY STUFF,AIN'T IT?

( giggles )

EXCUSE ME,I JUST HAD A FLASHBACK.

THAT'S FUNNY.

( grunting )

( laughter )

AND I LIKE WHEN HE GETSTHAT SECOND WIND.

HE'LL GO... ( grunts )

( exhales )

( laughter )

I SAY, "STROKE, BABY, STROKE.

"I KNOW I'M NOTHELPING YOU MUCH

BUT I SURE DO APPRECIATETHE EFFORT."

BUT SOMETIMES, THOUGH, LADIES,ALL WE WANT TO DO IS

KISS AND HUG AND FALLASLEEP IN OUR LOVER'S ARMS.

IT DOESN'T MEANWE DON'T LOVE OUR MAN

BUT SOMETIMESWE DON'T WANT TO DO IT.

IT'S NOT THE MAN'S FAULT

BECAUSE HE'S REAL SENSITIVETO TOUCH.

YOU KISS HIM A COUPLE OFTIMES, THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN...

( trumpet fanfare )

( laughter )

AND YOU WANT TO SAY NOIN A NICE WAY

BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, YOU NEVERSHOULD BRUISE A MAN'S EGO.

BUT BEFORE YOU CAN SAY NO,HE HAS CRAWLED ON YOU.

AND I KNOW EVERY WOMAN HEREHAS, ONE TIME OR ANOTHER

SAID IN THE BACK OF THEIR MIND

"OH, GOD, LET THIS BE OVERIN SIX SECONDS, PLEASE."

( laughter )

TEN MINUTES LATER,HE'S STILL ( grunting ).

YOU GO, "OH, GEE WHIZ.

( laughter )

( clapping )

( laughter )

"UH-UH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO."

( laughter )

AND YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN TROUBLE

WHEN YOU HEAR HIM GO...( exhales ).

"OH, GOD, I GOT TEN MORE MINUTESON THIS E-RIDE, PLEASE."

YOU EVER BE MAKING LOVE,AND HE SAYS TO YOU

"COME ON, BABY, TALK TO ME,TALK TO ME"?

I HAVE NO IDEAWHAT TO SAY, Y'ALL.

"WELL, SAFEWAY GOT A SALEON TOMATOES."

IF YOU'RE LUCKY ENOUGHTO HAVE A PARTNER, OKAY?

( laughter )

LET IT OUT.

IF IT REALLY... IF IT HAPPENS...SHRIEK LIKE A BABOON, MAN.

MY WHOLE LIFE...

I HAVE THIS THEORY THATAT THE MOMENT OF MY CONCEPTION--

AND I SAY THISWITH ALL DUE RESPECT--

THAT MY MOTHER SHUSHEDMY FATHER DURING HIS ORGASM.

IT GAVE ME LOW SELF-ESTEEM,IT SCARED ME.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.

WHEN I LEFT THE HOUSEFOR COLLEGE

IN THE DORM, YOU WEREN'TSUPPOSED TO MAKE LOVE.

AND EVERYBODY HAD TO LIKEFAKE IT SORT OF, YOU KNOW.

I MEAN, LIKE THE ORGASMAT MY COLLEGE WAS LIKE

"OH, THE FRENCH AND INDIAN WAR!"

JUST IN CASE THE PROCTORWAS WALKING IN THE HALL.

THE PROBLEM IS, ACTUALLY

IF YOU'RE DATING NOW,IT'S FRIGHTENING ENOUGH

BUT IF YOU DATEMORE THAN ONE PERSON

IN THE HEAT OF PASSION--WE'RE HUMAN-- YOU FORGET.

SOMETIMES YOU FORGET.

AND YOU LIE IN BED,AND YOU GO, "OH, SALLY!"

IT HAPPENED LAST WEEK.

"SALLY? I'M HELEN."

"I KNOW."

♪ SALLY GO 'ROUND THE ROSES.

YOU GOT TO COVERAND BE PREPARED.

I HAVE A LITTLE LIST BY THE BEDOF DIFFERENT SONGS OF...

ACTUALLY,IT'S A TRIAL SEPARATION

WHICH, AS YOU WELL KNOW

TURNS OUT TO BETHE SEPARATION BEFORE THE TRIAL.

BASICALLY, THAT'S WHAT THAT IS.

SECOND ONE FOR ME,I'VE BEEN THROUGH THIS BEFORE.

MY FIRST MARRIAGE ENDED

IN WHAT THEY CALL"IRRECONCILABLE DIFFERENCES"--

ATTEMPTED MURDER.

TOOK "TILL DEATH DO US PART"A LITTLE TOO SERIOUSLY

TOWARD THE END.

COMING HOME TO AN AMBUSH.

"HONEY, I'M HOME."

( imitates gunfire )

"NOT FOR LONG, BABE.

"JUST CAME BYTO PICK UP MY STUFF.

"OH, IS THIS ITON THE LAWN OUT HERE?

"OKAY, THANK YOU, YEAH.

"THOUGHT YOU HAD A LITTLEGARAGE SALE OUT HERE.

DIDN'T RECOGNIZE MY CLOTHESALL CUT UP LIKE THAT."

THIS ONE'S DIFFERENT, THOUGH.

I GOT KIDS ON THIS ONE.

I DON'T LOOKLIKE A DAD ANYMORE, DO I?

I GOT THAT DAD KIND OF LOOK.

I GOT THE GRAY POPPING OUTHERE ON THE ENDS, SEE.

I DON'T MIND THE GRAY HAIRSON MY HEAD.

IT'S THE GRAY PUBIC HAIRSI CAN'T HANDLE.

I REALIZE THIS ISAN INTIMATE THING TO TALK ABOUT

BUT NOBODY WARNED MEABOUT THIS, OKAY?

I NEVER ASSOCIATED GRAY HAIRWITH THAT PART OF MY ANATOMY.

IT'S NOT FAIR.

WHAT DO YOU SAY ABOUT IT?

PEOPLE, THEY GOT CUTELITTLE SAYINGS

FOR LIKE THE GRAY HAIRON THEIR HEAD.

"WELL, JUST BECAUSETHERE'S SNOW ON THE ROOF

DOESN'T MEAN THERE'SNO FIRE IN THE OLD FURNACE."

WHAT IF YOU'VE GOT SNOWAROUND THE FURNACE DOOR?

( laughter )

WHAT THE HELLDO YOU SAY TO THAT?

"WELL, IT MAKES MY PENISLOOK MORE DISTINGUISHED."

( laughter and applause )

I DON'T KNOW, DOES IT, LADIES?

THAT'S YOUR CALL.

I GOT THAT DAD POSTURE, TOO.

YOU ALWAYS KNOW GUYSTHAT HAVE NO KIDS.

THEY'RE ERECT, CHEST OUT,SHOULDERS BACK.

DADS, THEY'RE ALWAYSHUNCHED OVER.

NO, YOU SEE THEMIN THE MALLS WALKING AROUND

THESE DEFEATED HUMAN BEINGS.

THEY'RE WALKING ABOUT THREE FEETBEHIND THE REST OF THE FAMILY

CARRYING ALL THE CRAPTHEY'RE BUYING.

THIS IS WHY DADS HAVETHIS KIND OF POSTURE.

THIS COMES FROM REPEATEDREACHING IN THE POCKET

AND FINDING NOTHING.

"I HAVE NO MONEY.

"I HAVEN'T GOT A DAMN DIME.

I GOT BALLS OF LINTAND CAR KEYS, THAT'S ALL I GOT."

AND THIS IS WHY DADS' PANTSGET HIGHER AS THEY GET OLDER.

THEY GET SICK OF DIGGINGWAY DOWN THERE

JUST PULL THE PANTS UP.

"NO, I AIN'T GOTNOTHING IN HERE.

"I AIN'T EVEN GOTANY LINT ANYMORE.

BECAUSE, SEE, IT'S FRIGHTENING,I'M A ROLE MODEL TO MY CHILDREN.

THIS SCARES ME TO DEATH...

ESPECIALLY WHEN IT COMESTO DRIVING.

MY DAUGHTER HAS TEN MOREYEARS OF RIDING WITH ME.

IF SHE THINKS THIS ISWHAT DRIVING'S ABOUT

I CAN SEE HER AT HERFIRST DRIVER'S ED CLASS.

"OKAY, MISS MONTEITH, YOU WANTTO BACK IT OUT OF THE DRIVEWAY?"

"YEAH, IF THIS DICKHEADEVER GETS OUT OF THE WAY.

COME ON, MOVE THATPIECE OF CRAP!"

WELL, THIS IS HOW I DRIVE.

I CANNOT DRIVE WITHOUT SWEARING.

I THOUGHT, WITH THE KIDSIN THE CAR, I SHOULDN'T SWEAR.

PEOPLE ARE CUTTING ME OFF,"YOU SON OF A... ( gurgles ).

I'M SWALLOWING ALLTHIS HORRIBLE VENOM

AND EVENTUALLY A BIG BOIL GREWON MY CHIN HERE.

I GOT IT LANCED,AND FOUL WORDS CAME OUT.

SON OF A--!

I HATE TO DRIVE.

I USED TO LOVE TO DRIVE,IT WAS THERAPY.

NOW I HATE IT.

YOU KNOW WHAT TRAFFIC'S LIKEIN LOS ANGELES.

RUNNING THREE ERRANDSTAKES YOU ALL DAMN DAY.

THERE'S TEN MILLION OTHER PEOPLERUNNING THEIR THREE ERRANDS.

IT TAKES THEM ALL DAMN DAY.

YOU SEE THESE GRIM FACESON THE FREEWAY.

PEOPLE SITTING THERE...MOVE THREE FEET, YOU STOP

YOU MOVE THREE MORE FEET,YOU STOP.

"BE CONSISTENT, LET MEJUST MOVE FOR GOD'S SAKE."

YOU GET ON THE STREETS,THEY'RE BLOCKED.

IT TAKES THREE LIGHTSTO GET TO AN INTERSECTION.

I FINALLY GET TO MY DESTINATION,I'M PISSED OFF.

YOU CAN'T HELP IT, AND PEOPLEDON'T UNDERSTAND THAT.

THEY'RE THERE AT THE BANK,"OH, HI, HOW ARE YOU?"

"I JUST GOT OFFTHE DAMN FREEWAY.

"IT TOOK ME 45 MINUTESTO MAKE A RIGHT TURN!

"HOW AM I DOING?

"I'M HAVING A STROKE,THAT'S HOW I'M DOING.

"I GOT TO GO BACK OUTON THAT CRAP.

"I GOT TO GO TO THE D.M.V.FROM HERE.

YOU THINK I'M A HAPPY MAN?"

( laughter )

NOW, BY THIS TIME,I'M REALLY PISSED OFF.

I GET IN MY CAR,NOW I'M SCREAMING AT PEOPLE.

MY FELLOW MEN AND WOMENIN OTHER CARS--

I'M CALLING THEMHORRIBLE NAMES.

YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES I THINKI'M LOSING MY MIND.

I THINK, THIS CANNOT BERATIONAL BEHAVIOR.

I MEAN, IS IT RATIONALTO CAST DISPERSIONS

ON A MAN'S INTELLIGENCEIN THE CAR IN FRONT OF ME

AND THEN ACCUSE HIMOF PERFORMING

AN ORAL HOMOSEXUAL ACT?

JUST BECAUSE HE TURNEDHIS LEFT BLINKER ON

AFTER THE LIGHT TURNED GREEN?

IS THIS RATIONAL?

AND IT'S NOT ENOUGH TO SWEAR.

I GOT TO PULL ALONGSIDEAND GIVE HIM THAT FACE.

"PUT YOUR BLINKER ON BEFORETHE LIGHT TURNED GREEN.

"IT TOOK ME TEN MINUTESTO GET IN THIS LANE.

"IF THAT LIQUOR STORE'S CLOSEDWHEN I GET THERE

SOMEBODY'S GOING TO DIE."

I THINK SWEAR WORDS EVOLVED

SO WE HAD SOME FORBIDDEN WORDSTO SAY IF WE GOT MAD.

WHEN WE SAID THEM

WE HAD THIS GREAT FEELINGOF RELEASE.

THAT'S THE TROUBLEIF YOU SWEAR ALL THE TIME.

THEN YOU GET MAD, AND YOU SWEAR,THERE'S NO RELEASE.

YOU'RE SWEARING AWAYAT YOUR FRIENDS AT WORK

YOU GET IN YOUR CAR,YOU'RE DRIVING HOME

SOMEBODY CUTS YOU OFF.

"YOU SON OF A BITCH!

"I HAD TO STOP SHORT,EVERYTHING WENT ON THE FLOOR.

"WHAT THE HELL...DAMN IT, I'M STILL MAD!

"I NEED SOME NEW WORDS...

OR A GUN ( imitates gunshot )NOW I FEEL BETTER."

THAT'S WHY PEOPLESTARTED SHOOTING EACH OTHER.

I WOULD NEVER HAVE A GUNIN MY CAR.

I'M NOT A VIOLENT MAN,BUT WHO KNOWS?

I MIGHT GET ENRAGEDAND REACH FOR IT.

( imitates gunshot )

OOPS.

( laughter )

"THIS ISN'T MY EXIT, BUT I THINK I BETTER TAKE IT.

"STOP HERE,CHANGE MY LICENSE PLATE

"LOOK FOR THE NEARESTEARL SCHEIB

AND I'LL BE ON MY WAY."

THAT'S KIND OF SCARY.

IN FACT, THEY'RE GOINGTO HAVE TO CHANGE THE RECORDING

DOWN AT THE AIRPORT TO READ

"NOW THE WHITE ZONE ISFOR LOADING AND RELOADING ONLY.

NO FIRING."

THE CAR, IT'S DRIVING US NUTS.

I REALLY BELIEVE THIS, AND I'LLTELL YOU WHY I THINK IT.

BECAUSE I NOTICE I'M IN MY CAR

AND I'M SCREAMING AT PEOPLETHAT ARE DRIVING STUPID.

I GET OUT OF MY CAR

I GET BEHIND SOMEBODYTHAT'S WALKING STUPID

I DON'T SAY NOTHING.

IT'S JUST AS FRUSTRATING.

THERE'S PEOPLE THAT WALKJUST AS DUMB AS THEY DRIVE.

I'M SURE IT'S HAPPENED TO YOU.

YOU'RE LATE FOR SOMETHING

YOU'RE RUNNING DOWN THAT HALLWAY

YOU GET BEHIND THAT OLD COUPLEGOING REAL SLOW

SO YOU TRY AND PASS THEM.

NOW THE OLD MAN STARTSDRIFTING TO THE LEFT THERE.

( laughter )

SO YOU RUN TO THE RIGHT.

NOW THE OLD LADY'SHEADING FOR THE WALL.

CAN'T SQUEEZE BY THAT WAY.

YOU GO IN THE MIDDLE, ANDTHEN THEY COME TOGETHER AGAIN

LIKE THEYCHOREOGRAPHED THIS ON YOU.

SEE THE PEOPLE BEHIND THEMDOING THAT FRUSTRATED DANCE.

BUT THEY AIN'T YELLING AT THEM

"COME ON, YOU OLD BASTARD,MOVE OVER!

"THIS IS THE FAST LANE.

"GET IN THE ONEWHERE THE SLOW PEOPLE WALK.

"IF THAT LIQUOR STORE'S CLOSEDWHEN I GET THERE

"SOMEBODY'S GOING TO DIE.

I'M STILL MAD..."( imitates gunshot ).

( laughter )

WE DON'T DO THAT WHEN WE WALK.

I THINK PEOPLE AREJUST AS ANGRY

BUT THEY'RE POLITE BECAUSEYOU'RE TAUGHT ALL YOUR LIFE

TO SAY "EXCUSE ME"AND "PARDON ME"

AND IT BECOMESSECOND NATURE TO YOU.

SO POLITENESS SORT OF MASKSALL THAT ANGER--

THAT ETIQUETTE COMES OUT

BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE POLITEWHEN THEY WALK.

"PARDON ME, DID I BUMP YOU?"

"OH, THAT'S OKAY.

"YOU'RE UMBRELLA'S HALFWAYUP MY ASS, BUT DON'T WORRY.

"WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?

"JUST DON'T OPEN IT UP, OKAY?

"I'M SUPERSTITIOUS ABOUTUMBRELLAS OPENING IN MY ASS.

I DON'T KNOW WHY, BUT IT ALWAYSSEEMS TO GIVE ME A BAD DAY."

BECAUSE THAT'S ONE PARTOF OUR ANATOMY

THAT WE REALLY WORRY ABOUT.

WELL, LISTEN IT COMES UPIN CONVERSATION.

ALL THE THINGS WE DOWITH OUR ASS, IT'S AMAZING.

WE WORK IT OFF, RUN IT OFF,DRAG IT HOME AT NIGHT

FREEZE IT OFF, SWEAT IT OFF,LAUGH IT OFF

GET IN A FIGHT AND KICK IT

GO TO VEGAS AND LOSE IT

GO TO WORK AND SHOW IT,THEN COVER IT

THEN GET IT IN A SLING

THEN BUST SOMEBODY ELSE'SAND TRY AND SAVE OUR OWN.

( laughter, applause )

TALK OUT IT, BLOW SMOKE UP IT

TELL PEOPLE TO GET THEIR HEADOUT OF IT.

THAT LEAVES ROOM TO TELL THEM

TO SHOVE ALL KINDS OF OBJECTSUP YOURS

THEN TELL THEM TO KISS MINE.

Loading...