Shirley Hemphill & Kelly Monteith

  • Season 1, Ep 0112
  • 02/24/1992

OR WHATEVER I BOUGHT THERE,SOME KIND OF THING

AND THE GUY--I WAS PAYING MY MONEY--

HE SAYS, "GEE, I'M SORRYYOU AND EVELYN CAN'T REACH

A SIMULTANEOUS ORGASM"

WHICH IS SORT OF FRIGHTENING.

IT SHAKES YOU UPA LITTLE BIT, YOU KNOW.

AS IF, GOD FORBID,I SHOULD ACTUALLY HAVE

A SIMULTANEOUS ORGASMWITH ANYBODY.

MY GOAL THIS YEAR IS TO MAKELOVE BEING NAKED, QUITE FRANKLY.

BUT YOU GOT TO...I'M LEARNING NOW.

I'M IN MY 40s NOW.

MY SHRINK SAYS, "YOU HAVETO RELAX YOUR LOVER."

I HAD NO IDEA.

I USED TO ACTUALLYGET ON MY KNEES AND GO

"I BEG YOU TO HAVE A CLIMAX,I BEG YOU TO HAVE A CLIMAX."

IT WAS LIKE JOLSON IN BED.

AND MY EX SAID TO ME

"I CAN'T HAVE AN ORGASMUNTIL THE BUDGET IS BALANCED."

I DIDN'T BELIEVE IT.

I HIRED AN ORGASM POSSEWHICH IS A WHOLE OTHER STORY.

BUT IT'S SAD, THOUGH.

I MEAN, MEN--

I'M NOT SPEAKING FOR YOUWATCHING OR IN THE AUDIENCE--

BUT I MEAN FOR ME--FORGET YOU GUYS-- ME.

I HAD THIS NEED TO PERFORM,AND IT'S SAD.

I FORGET ABOUT MYSELFDURING THE SEXUAL ACT.

IT WAS SO IMPORTANT FOR ME

JUST TO HAVE MY EXFEEL GOOD IN BED.

ACTUALLY, THE LOW POINT WASWHEN I STARTED TO SING

♪ HERE WE GO, ORGASM,HERE WE GO. ♪

AND THEN WHENIT FINALLY HAPPENED

YOU KNOW, RUNNING A VICTORY LAPAROUND THE BED, THAT WAS SAD.

AND THE HIGH-FIVE,WASN'T THAT UNNECESSARY?

THEN THE NEIGHBORS, WHO KNEWI WAS GOING THROUGH THIS TURMOIL

GAVE HIGH-FIVESTO EVERYBODY IN THEIR HOUSE.

AND THE NEIGHBORHOODDID THE WAVE

WHICH I THOUGHT WAS SAD.

IF YOU'RE LUCKY ENOUGHTO HAVE A PARTNER, OKAY?

( laughter )

LET IT OUT.

IF IT REALLY... IF IT HAPPENS...SHRIEK LIKE A BABOON, MAN.

MY WHOLE LIFE...

I HAVE THIS THEORY THATAT THE MOMENT OF MY CONCEPTION--

AND I SAY THISWITH ALL DUE RESPECT--

THAT MY MOTHER SHUSHEDMY FATHER DURING HIS ORGASM.

IT GAVE ME LOW SELF-ESTEEM,IT SCARED ME.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.

WHEN I LEFT THE HOUSEFOR COLLEGE

IN THE DORM, YOU WEREN'TSUPPOSED TO MAKE LOVE.

AND EVERYBODY HAD TO LIKEFAKE IT SORT OF, YOU KNOW.

I MEAN, LIKE THE ORGASMAT MY COLLEGE WAS LIKE

"OH, THE FRENCH AND INDIAN WAR!"

JUST IN CASE THE PROCTORWAS WALKING IN THE HALL.

THE PROBLEM IS, ACTUALLY

IF YOU'RE DATING NOW,IT'S FRIGHTENING ENOUGH

BUT IF YOU DATEMORE THAN ONE PERSON

IN THE HEAT OF PASSION--WE'RE HUMAN-- YOU FORGET.

SOMETIMES YOU FORGET.

AND YOU LIE IN BED,AND YOU GO, "OH, SALLY!"

IT HAPPENED LAST WEEK.

"SALLY? I'M HELEN."

"I KNOW."

♪ SALLY GO 'ROUND THE ROSES.

YOU GOT TO COVERAND BE PREPARED.

I HAVE A LITTLE LIST BY THE BEDOF DIFFERENT SONGS OF...