Brian Regan: The Epitome of Hyperbole

  • 09/06/2008

Brian Regan describes a successful speed-reading class, wonders how to fire a planet, laments his poor grasp of Spanish and explains how to gauge a mule's sense of humor.

AND I READ IN THE NEWSPAPERTHAT MORE AND MORE ADULTS

ARE LIVING AT HOMEWITH THEIR PARENTS.

THAT SURPRISED ME.

I WAS LIKE, "MOM,DID YOU READ THIS?"

I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT.

SO SURPRISED,I COUGHED FRUIT LOOPSALL OVER MY BIB.

( muttering )

CAME OUTALL HAPHAZARDLY.

I'M JOKING.MY MOM READ THAT FOR ME.

"SOUND IT OUT.SOUND IT OUT."

"MOR-EE AND MOR-EE

ADOOLTS..."

I DON'T LIKEREADING THE NEWSPAPER.

'CAUSE FIRST OF ALL,IT'S HARD.

ALSO, THEY NEVER WRAP UPA STORY ON THE FRONT PAGE,

AND I'M NEVER CURIOUSENOUGH TO GO INSIDE

TO FIND OUT HOWANYTHING EVER ENDS.

"AND AFTERA NINE-YEAR TRIAL,

THE JURYFINALLY CAME IN

WITH A VERDICT OF...

CONTINUED ON PAGE 22,COLUMN C."

I GUESSI'LL NEVER KNOW.

EVER SEE THESE PEOPLE?

"I WANT TO LEARN.

I WANT TO BEA LEARNER OF THINGS."

YOU WANT ME TO KNOWWHAT'S GOING ON,

YOU PUT A PICTUREOF IT ON THE FRONT PAGE.

READING'S HARD.YOU EVER TRY THAT?

NO, I READ GOOD.

GOODLY.

BUT I HATE WHEN YOU'RETRYING TO READ SOMETHING

AND YOU COME ACROSSTHE EXPRESSION,

"ONE THING LEDTO ANOTHER."

WHAT IN THE HELLKINDA LAZY WRITING IS THAT?

ISN'T THAT YOUR JOBAS THE WRITER

TO TELL ME HOWTHIS LED TO THAT?

YOU CAN JUSTTHROW THAT IN THERE?

"ADOLF HITLERWAS REJECTED AS A YOUNG MAN

IN HIS APPLICATIONTO ART SCHOOL.

ONE THING LEDTO ANOTHER...

I WOULD NEVER WANTTO BE A MOVIE STAR.

NOT THAT I'VEBEEN ASKED.

REMEMBER THERE WAS

A PLOT TO KIDNAPRUSSELL CROWE?

IT'S TRUE.IT WAS A KIDNAPPING PLOT.

FOR THE LIFE OF ME,I DON'T KNOW HOW ANYONE

WOULD EVER COME UPWITH AN IDEA LIKE THAT.

SOME GUY'S SITTINGAT HIS CHECKBOOK

TRYING TO PAY BILLS.

"HONEY, I DON'T KNOWHOW WE'RE GONNA PAYTHIS VISA BILL."

"OH, YES, I DO!"

WHAT WAS THE SPARKTHAT GOT THAT PLAN ROLLING?

"WE'RE GETTING CROWE!"

HOW YOU GONNAPULL THAT OFF?

YOU GONNA LIKE, MAYBESEE HIM AT A PUBLIC EVENT?

"EXCUSE ME.EXCUSE ME, MR. CROWE.

WAS WONDERINGIF I COULD GET AN AUTOGRAPH."

"YEAH, ALL RIGHT,YOU GOT A PEN?"

"IN MY VAN."

THAT'S HOWKIDNAPPERS WALK.

( chuckles )OH, MAN.

I DON'T KNOW.I DON'T KNOW ENOUGH THINGS.

THAT'S WHY I HATEGOING TO PARTIES,

'CAUSE EVERYBODY ELSESEEMS TO KNOW STUFF.

YOU KNOW HOWYOU'RE SUPPOSEDTO MINGLE AROUND?

YOU EVER WALKUP TO A GROUP AT A PARTY,

AND THEN YOU INSTANTLYFIND OUT THEY'RE TALKING

ABOUT SOMETHINGTHAT'S WAY OVER YOUR HEAD?

I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DOIN THAT SITUATION.

I WISH I KNEW HOWTO SAY, "I DON'T KNOWWHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

MAY I STILLSTAND HERE?"

I WISH I KNEWANOTHER LANGUAGE.

I STUDIED SPANISHGROWING UP IN MIAMI, FLORIDA,

BUT I NEVER SAWANY OF THE PHRASES APPLIEDTHAT WE LEARNED.

WE NEVER WENTTO DOWNTOWN MIAMI--

WHERE THE OLDERCUBAN MEN WOULD PLAY DOMINOES,

DRINK CUBAN COFFEEAND SMOKE CIGARS--

THEY WEREN'T SAYINGTHE STUFF WE HAD LEARNEDIN SPANISH CLASS.

( Spanish accent )"THERE ARE MANY BOOKSIN THE LIBRARY."

"THE TRACTOR IS RED."

"I HAVE A CANARY...

AND IT IS PRETTY."

"PRETTY,PRETTY CANARY.

PRETTY CANARY."

THEY ARE PRETTY.

I REMEMBER TAKINGSPANISH TESTS WHENI WAS IN SCHOOL.

I WOULD JUST TAKEALL THE ENGLISH WORDS

AND ADD "O"TO THE END OF 'EM.

I GOT AN F-O.

YOU WANNA KNOW,OR ELSE--

'CAUSE YOU GET IN SITUATIONSIF YOU DON'T KNOW.

I RECENTLY WENTTO THE BURGER KINGDRIVE-THROUGH,

AND I GOT TALKEDINTO BUYING A FRANCHISE

IN PENSACOLA, FLORIDA.

I DON'T KNOWWHAT HAPPENED.I'M AT THE WINDOW,

- "I'D LIKE A HAMBURGER."- ( mimics static )

( Spanish accent )"WOULD YOU LIKE FRANCHISEWITH THAT..."

( mimicking static, accent )"IN PENSACOLA?"

"YES, I WOULD."

I'M GLADI HAD A COUPON.

50ยข OFF.

I'M BRAGGING, BECAUSE I DIDSOME WRITING FOR THAT MOVIE,

THE REMAKE OF "PLANET OF THEAPES," YOU KNOW?

I DIDN'T WRITETHE SCRIPT OR ANYTHING,

BUT I WROTE SOME LINES

THAT THEY ENDED UPNOT USING.

YOU DON'T KNOW IF THEY'REGONNA USE 'EM OR NOT.

I WROTE ONE LINE--I THOUGHT IT WOULD'VEBEEN PERFECT.

I DON'T KNOW IF ANYONESAW THE MOVIE.

IT'S THE SCENE WHERETHE APE GENERAL COMES IN,

AND THEY'RE TRYING TO DECIDEIF THEY SHOULD ATTACKRIGHT THEN

OR WAIT UNTILA LITTLE BIT LATER.

I WROTE, "MAN,THESE BANANAS ARE GOOD!"

YEAH, BUT THEY DIDN'TUSE IT.

ALL THAT RESEARCH,YOU KNOW?

YOU KNOW A MOVIE'SNOT GONNA BE GOOD

WHEN THE REVIEWSTHEY PICK FOR THE ADS

ARE LIKE, FROM REALLYOBSCURE PUBLICATIONS,YOU KNOW?

"'TERRIFIC,' SAYS'THE HOBOKEN AUTO TRADER.'"

"'THUMBS UP,' SAYSCHANG'S CHINESETAKEOUT MENU."

IF A MOVIE MAKES ITREALLY BIG,

THEY DO THE OBVIOUSTHING, RIGHT?

THEY MAKE AN AMUSEMENTPARK RIDE OUT OF IT.

I'VE SEEN THISALL OVER THE COUNTRY.

( deep voice )"BATMAN: THE RIDE."

"SUPERMAN: THE RIDE."

AND THE CONNECTIONIS OBVIOUS.

YOU GET OFF, "MAN, THAT WASJUST LIKE THE MOVIE!

ONLY THE MOVIE HADA STORYLINE AND CHARACTERS,

AND THAT WAS A LITTLEMORE LIKE A ROLLER COASTER.

BUT OTHER THAN THAT..."

WHAT IN THE HELLDID THAT HAVE TO DO

WITH THATMOTION PICTURE?

THEY'VE TRIEDA LOT OF MOVIE RIDES.

SOME, JUST WAYTOO SCARY, YOU KNOW?

( deep voice )"JFK: THE RIDE."

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