CC Presents: Earthquake

  • 03/06/2003

Earthquake marvels at world wonders like the blind pimp and Alabama's staggering summer heat.

Earthquake: YES, YES, YES, YES.

THANKS YOU, NEW YORK.

ALL RIGHT, ONE MORE TIME.

WHITE PEOPLE YES.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

GOT TO LOVE WHEN WHITE PEOPLE

HOLLER FOR YOU!

THAT GOES DEEP!

GOOD TO BE IN NEW YORK 'CAUSE

I JUST GOT BACK FROM ALABAMA.

IT'S GOOD TO BE BACK IN AMERICA!

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I WENT TO ALABAMA I WAS

THE SMARTEST BROTHER IN THE

WHOLE STATE.

PEOPLE JUST COMING UP TO ME

ASKING ME QUESTION LIKE

"WHO THE PRESIDENT?"

I'M LIKE GEORGE CLINTON.

(LAUGHTER)

YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO ALABAMA,

IT'S HOT DOWN THERE.

SLAVE HEAT.

IT WAS LIKE 98 DEGREES AT 3:00

IN THE MORNING.

I'M LIKE ALABAMA MUST GOT THEIR

OWN SUN.

(LAUGHTER)

I WAS HIDING FROM THE SUN LIKE

IT WAS THE POLICE, "DAMN,

THEY'RE STILL OUT THERE."

THING AIN'T GONNA NEVER GO DOWN.

YOU DON'T WANT TO GO DOWN

TO ALABAMA.

IT'S PRIMITIVE.

DON'T TAKE YOUR PHONE DOWN

THERE.

AIN'T NO AT&T, AIN'T NO SPRINT.

THEY CALL EACH OTHER THE

OLD FASHION WAY.

THEY USE PIGEONS.

THEY WRITE NOTES AND PUT IT ON

THE PIGEON LEG.

(BIRD NOISE)

(LAUGHTER)

I WENT OVER MY COUSIN'S HOUSE.

THERE WAS PIGEONS ALL ON

THE PORCH.

I'M LIKE, "WHAT'S GOING ON?"

HE'S LIKE, "EARTHQUAKE, LOOK

AT ALL THEM MESSAGES I GOT."

ONE PIGEON DIDN'T EVEN HAVE

A NOTE.

HE JUST SENT IT BACK.

(BIRD NOISE)

I'M LIKE, "WHAT'S THAT?"

HE SAID, "OH, THAT'S STAR 69."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

ONE PIGEON JUST WAS CIRCLING

THE HOUSE.

I LIKE, "WHAT'S THAT?"

HE SAID, "THAT'S CALL WAITING."

(LAUGHTER)

ONE PIGEON TRIED TO FLY BACK.

HE JUST SHOT IT.

POW!

"NOW YOU KNOW I GOT A BLOCK

ON MY PHONE."

(APPLAUSE)

GOT TO BE CAREFUL DOWN THERE.

BE HOT DOWN THERE.

THAT'S WHY I'M SAYING I SEE SOME

BLACK PEOPLE OUT HERE.

I'M GONNA TELL YOU ALL

SOMETHING.

OUR ANCESTORS WERE SOME

BAD PEOPLE.

GOTTA GIVE 'EM SOME, WE GOT

TO GIVE IT TO 'EM, BECAUSE THEY

WERE SLAVES.

COME ON NOW THINK ABOUT IT.

(APPLAUSE)

I WAS DOWN THERE IN ALABAMA,

AIN'T NO WAY I COULD HAVE BEEN

A SLAVE.

NO WAY.

AIN'T NO WAY I COULD HAVE BEEN

PICKING THAT COTTON IN THAT KIND

OF HEAT.

SUN UP, SUN DOWN, NO CHECKS PLUS

ASS WHOOPIN'S.

(LAUGHTER)

I'D A DID IT FOR WHAT,

FIVE MINUTES, "MASTER, I NEED

TO TALK TO YOU."

"WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?

PICK A TREE, PICK A TREE,

PICK A TREE."

I BE DAMNED IF I'M GONNA DO THIS

MY WHOLE LIFE.

WHITE PEOPLE TALKING ABOUT

ABRAHAM LINCOLN FREED THE

SLAVES, NO HE DIDN'T.

POLYESTER DID.

(LAUGHTER)

THEY STOPPED WEARING COTTON.

THEY HAD TO LET US GO.

I'M TELLING YOU.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

YOU SEE EVERYTHING IN NEW YORK.

I'VE SEEN A BLIND PIMP.

(LAUGHTER)

OH, HE WAS BEATING THE WRONG

HO'S.

HE WAS SLAPPING, WORKING IT,

"WHERE YOU BEEN?"

SHE'S LIKE "I DON'T WORK FOR

YOU."

HE WAS STANDING ON THE WRONG

CORNER.

HIS WOMEN BE PAYING HIM IN

MONOPOLY MONEY.

I SAW HIM AT THE BAR,

LOOK AT ALL THESE $500.

MY WOMEN BE WORKING.

I GOT A LOT OF RESPECT FOR PIMPS

NOW THAT I'M MARRIED.

I DO.

I DO.

'CAUSE A PIMP CAN PUT A WOMAN

ON A CORNER AND MAKE HER SELL

HER MOST PRIZED POSSESSION

AND THEN BRING THE MONEY BACK.

I'VE BEEN HANGING AROUND MARRIED

MEN FOR THE LAST, WHAT,

SIX MONTHS, AND I KNOW BROTHERS

THAT BEEN MARRIED TO THEIR

HIGH SCHOOL SWEETHEART AND WORK

THREE JOBS AND CAN'T GET THAT

BITCH TO FIX 'EM A SANDWICH.

SO WHO THE REAL HO?

IT'S THE TRUTH.

AND, YEAH, I GOT MARRIED.

MARRIAGE IS ROUGH.

I'M TELLING YOU MARRIAGE

IS ROUGH.

MARRIAGE IS LIKE HAVING CABLE,

JUST ONE CHANNEL.

(LAUGHTER)

SAME THING COME ON EVERYDAY.

YOU SEE OTHER THINGS COME ON

BUT YOU CAN'T WATCH IT.

(LAUGHTER)

AND WHEN YOU GET MARRIED YOU GOT

TO HANG AROUND OTHER MARRIED

PEOPLE.

I GOT A BOY THAT WAS MARRIED,

BEEN MARRIED FOR SIX YEARS.

VIDEO TAPED IS WEDDING DAY,

NEVER WATCHED IT.

SIX YEARS LATER NOW HE WATCH IT

EVERYDAY, BUT HE WATCH IT IN

REVERSE.

I ASKED HIM, HE SAID,

"I LOVE SEEING MYSELF TAKE

THAT RING BACK OFF HER (BLEEP)

FINGER."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

WALKING BACK DOWN THAT AISLE,

JUST WAVING AT HER UGLY MOTHER.

GETTING BACK IN THE LIMO,

BACK AT THE BACHELOR PARTY.

LOOK HOW HAPPY I WAS.

I AIN'T SMILED LIKE THIS SINCE

I MARRIED HER.

MARRIAGE IS ROUGH.

PEOPLE DON'T UNDERSTAND IT,

YOU GOT TO KEEP IT, 'CAUSE I GOT

KIDS.

GOT THREE KIDS.

TWO ARE MINE, ONE OF 'EM

DON'T LOOK LIKE ME.

I WAS GONNA GET A BLOOD TEST

BUT THAT COST $2,500.

I SAY I'LL WAIT TILL HE

FALL DOWN AND CUT HIMSELF.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

'CAUSE KIDS ARE DEEP, MAN.

BECAUSE THAT CHILD SUPPORT IS--

WHOO!

IT'LL BREAK YOU OUT.

I'M ALLERGIC TO THE CHILD

SUPPORT, 'CAUSE WHEN YOU--

OOH, I AM.

'CAUSE WHEN YOU OWE A

BLACK WOMAN MONEY SHE'LL

FIND YOU.

MY REAL NAME AIN'T EARTHQUAKE,

I'M ON THE RUN.

AND CHILD SUPPORT SHOULD BE

A SET RATE.

I DON'T CARE WHAT NOBODY SAYS,

IT SHOULD BE A SET RATE.

I PAY $2,000 A MONTH PER CHILD.

OOH, WHAT I SAID TO THE JUDGE,

(BLEEP) DAMN.

"WHAT, MY KIDS ON CRACK?

(LAUGHTER)

I NEED A REHAB CENTER

OR SOMETHING."

2,000-- I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT,

'CAUSE I PAY $2,000 A MONTH

MYSELF.

MY DAUGHTER GOT A BROTHER,

WHICH AIN'T MY SON, HIS FATHER

ONLY PAY $200.

AND THEY LIVE IN THE SAME HOUSE,

HOW I GOT THE $2,000 CHILD.

WE NEED TO FLIP AGAIN.

THE JUDGE IS GONNA ASK ME,

"WELL, HOW MUCH YOU WANT

TO PAY?"

I'M LIKE "I WANT TO PAY LIKE

THEY PAY OVER IN AFRICA,

39 CENT A DAY."

LAUGHTER)

THEY CAN GO TO SCHOOL

AND EVERYTHING, WHY MY CHILD

NEED $2,000?

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

Earthquake: USED TO GO

TO CHURCH, BUT CHURCH GETTING

TOO EXPENSIVE.

THE COVER CHARGE IS A BITCH.

I WENT ONE SUNDAY THEY WAS

PASSING AROUND EIGHT,

NINE PLATES.

I JUST PULLED MY OWN PLATE OUT,

PASS THAT AROUND.

"THAT'S FOR EARTHQUAKE,

I'M SHORT THIS WEEK.

I NEED SOME HELP.

LOOK HERE, MRS. JONES, YOU GET

HELP EVERY WEEK, LET SOMEBODY

ELSE IN THE CONGREGATION GET

SOME HELP."

I READ THE BIBLE, I KNOW I GOT

TO PAY MY TIES, MY 10 PERCENT.

I'LL GIVE GOD HIM WHEN I SEE

HIM.

(LAUGHTER)

AND IF HE ASKED ME WHY I WAS

HOLDING ON TO IT I'LL SAY THERE

WAS A LOT OF FALSE PROPHETS

ON EARTH.

I AIN'T NO WHO TO GIVE YOUR

MONEY TO.

AND I DIDN'T WANT TO GIVE IT

TO THE WRONG PERSON AND STILL

OWE YOU WHEN I GOT UP HERE.

AND AIN'T NO SENSE OF PAYING

IF I DIDN'T MAKE THE LIST.

'CAUSE I'M GONNA NEED THAT MONEY

FOR COLD WATER AND AIR

CONDITIONERS.

NOW THAT'S A TRUE BALLER.

YOU IN HELL WITH COLD WATER AND

AIR CONDITIONER, YOU A BALLER.

I USED TO BE A CATHOLIC BUT I--

YOU KNOW, WE HAD A LOT OF

PROBLEMS.

BUT I KNEW THE CATHOLIC CHURCH

HAD PROBLEMS A LONG TIME AGO.

WHEN I SEEN THE POPE WENT TO

ST. LOUIS IN A BULLET-PROOF

LIMO.

I'M LIKE "DAMN,

WHERE'S HIS FAITH?"

(LAUGHTER)

HE'S GOD RIGHT HAND MAN,

HE'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE IN

NO LIMO LIKE HE PUFFY.

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

BLESSING PEOPLE OUT THE SUNROOF,

HE NEEDS WATER?

WHO NEEDS BREAD?

WELL, YOU GOT TO KEEP IT REAL.

SEE, WE GOT BLACK PEOPLE IN

HERE.

I LOVE BLACK PEOPLE, WE'RE GOOD.

'CAUSE I AM BLACK.

WE DID CAME A LONG WAY.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

YOU KNOW IT.

TRYING TO GET A BLACK SHOW.

YOU KNOW BLACK PEOPLE LATE

BY NATURE.

THERE'S SOME SLAVES STILL

ON THEIR WAY OVER HERE.

SOME PEOPLE SAY JESUS WAS BLACK.

I DON'T KNOW IF THAT WAS TRUE

OR NOT.

BUT THAT WOULD EXPLAIN WHY IT'S

TAKEN HIM SO LONG TO COME BACK.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

NOW I KNOW WHO WASN'T BLACK.

I DON'T CARE WHAT NOBODY SAID,

NOAH WAS NOT BLACK.

NOAH AND HIS FAMILY COULDN'T

HAVE BEEN BLACK, BECAUSE THERE'S

NO WAY NO BLACK FAMILY WAS ON NO

BOAT FOR 40 DAYS AND 40 NIGHTS

AND DIDN'T EAT THEM

TWO CHICKENS.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

WHITE DUDE THE ONLY ONE LAUGHED.

(LAUGHS)

GOD WOULD HAVE BEEN MAD AT THEM

BROTHERS.

"DIDN'T I TELL YOU GET

TWO CHICKENS."

"I'M NOT THEM CHICKENS KEEPER,

LORD.

AND YOU'RE A PIG SHORT."

(LAUGHS)

CHICKEN WOULD HAVE GOT ON TV,

GOT UP IN HEAVEN, WOULD HAVE

TOLD ALL THE STORIES,

"YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN WHAT THEY

DID TO ME.

THEY ATE MY LEG, MY FOOT

AND EVERYTHING.

ATE MY UNBORN CHILDREN,

JUST SCRAMBLE IT UP, PUT CHEESE

ON 'EM.

YOU PUT ME ON A BOAT WITH

CANNIBALS."

THAT'S WHY YOU GOT TO KEEP IT

REAL.

YOU GOT TO GIVE WHITE PEOPLE

THEIR CREDIT, TOO.

THAT'S WHY I LIKE WORKING

FOR WHITE PEOPLE.

OOH, GOT TO GET GOOD JOBS.

BEST JOB I EVER HAD WAS WORKING

IN THE CLEANERS.

THAT WAS A GOOD JOB.

I CRIED LIKE A BITCH WHEN THEY

FIRED ME.

THEY FIRED ME FOR WEARING

OTHER PEOPLE CLOTHES.

(LAUGHTER)

I BE AT THE CLUB LIKE WOMEN

BE SAYING, "EARTHQUAKE ALWAYS

GOT SOMETHING NEW ON.

I NEVER SEE HIM IN THE SAME

OUTFIT.

SOMETIME HE CHANGE CLOTHES

AT THE CLUB."

MY BOY LIKE, "LET ME WEAR THAT

SHIRT."

I SAY, "I WOULD, DOG, BUT HE

COMING TO PICK IT UP TOMORROW.

(LAUGHTER)

DUDE BRUNG IN A LEATHER COAT,

"WHEN IT BE READY?"

I SAID, "THE SUMMERTIME.

TAKE SIX MONTHS TO CLEAN THIS

JACKET."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I'M GONNA TELL YOU WHO YOU DON'T

WANT TO WORK WITH, MEXICANS.

OH, THEY MAKE A BROTHER LOOK BAD

ON THE JOB.

THEY DON'T TAKE NO BREAKS

OR NOTHING.

THEY WORK EIGHT STRAIGHT HOURS,

SKIP LUNCH AND EVERYTHING.

(APPLAUSE)

OH, LORD.

I WAS WORKING WITH SOME

MEXICANS.

WE WERE PUTTING ROOFS UP.

THEY PUT A ROOF UP IN

30 MINUTES.

I HAD TO GET UP ON THE ROOF

AND LIKE, "TAKE A BREAK,

YOU AMERICAN NOW, TAKE A BREAK.

THEY GAVE US EIGHT HOURS,

WHAT YOU RUSHING FOR?

THEY'RE JUST GONNA GIVE US

ANOTHER ROOF.

YOU CAN'T PUT ALL THE ROOFS UP."

AND MEXICANS DON'T HAVE NO JOB

DESCRIPTION, THEY DO EVERYTHING.

THEY'RE LIKE WAL-MART.

THEY ONE STOP SHOPPING.

WHITE LADY SAYS "SOMETHING WRONG

WITH THE TREE?"

THE MEXICAN WAS IN THE TREE

I WAS LIKE "GET YOUR ASS DOWN.

WE ROOFERS, YOU AIN'T SUPPOSED

TO BE IN NO TREE.

AND WHAT YOU DOING WITH THEM

ORANGES, PUT 'EM BACK IN THE

CAR."

(LAUGHTER)

TELL YOU THE TRUTH.

LOVE BEAUTIFUL BLACK WOMEN.

I'VE GOT A BEAUTIFUL BLACK

WOMAN.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

YEAH.

LOVE BLACK WOMAN, BURNT BLACK,

SLAVE BLACK.

I LOVE MY WOMAN SO BLACK I JUST

LIKE HER TO LAY IN THE BED AND

LOOK LIKE A HOLE IN THE SHEETS.

(LAUGHTER)

YOU'VE JUST GOT TO FEEL FOR HER,

"WHERE YOU AT?"

"HERE I IS."

I WAS GONNA MESS WITH A

WHITE WOMAN BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW

TO PICK 'EM UP.

THEY DON'T MESS WITH BROTHERS

LIKE ME.

I GOT TO WORK ON MY APPROACH.

I BE TRYING TO GET HIM.

I GO UP LIKE, "HOW YOU DOING

WHITE WOMAN?"

(LAUGHTER)

SHE JUST GRAB HER PURSE

AND RAN DOWN THE STREET.

I'M LIKE "THAT'S RACISM, BECKY,

THAT'S RACISM."

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO GET 'EM,

I DON'T.

I GOT TO WORK ON MY APPROACH.

I KNOW HOW TO GET SISTERS,

I GOT 30 YEARS PRACTICE OF THAT.

ALL YOU GOT TO DO IS GO TO THE

CLUB AND SAY I GOT THAT RENT

MONEY.

I TOLD YOU THIS CLUB BE OFF

THE CHAIN.

BROTHERS BE PAYING BILLS.

'CAUSE A SISTER LET YOU KNOW

SHE NEED HELP.

SHE'LL LAY ALL THE BILLS

ON THE BED.

I JUST KNOCK 'EM ON THE FLOOR.

I AIN'T THE TYPE OF MEN TO GET

IN YOUR BUSINESS.

THAT'S BETWEEN YOU AND THAT MAN

IN THE ENVELOPE.

YOU SAID YOU WAS INDEPENDENT.

LET'S THANK YOUR SISTER.

YOU HAVE TO FIND THE RIGHT ONE.

'CAUSE I TRIED.

'CAUSE MARRIAGE IS LIKE

I TOLD YOU IT'S DEEP.

EVERYBODY LIVE IN L.A. PEOPLE

GET DIVORCED ALL THE TIME.

TOLD MY WIFE IT'S DEATH DO US.

THAT'S WHAT I TOLD GOD.

AND I'M GONNA LOVE YOU

TILL THE DAY I DIE.

NOW I TOLD GOD, I DON'T LIE

TO GOD NOW.

I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU ROW

BUT WE AIN'T SEPARATING.

AND WHATEVER TOOK ME TO GET YOU

I'M GONNA DO TILL THE DAY I DIE.

NOW IF YOU TELL ME I GOT TO BE

HOME EVERY NIGHT AT 2 O'CLOCK

IN THE MORNING, IT COULD BE 1:58

AND THE BROTHER RUNNING HOME.

NOW, I'M GONNA GO BACK OUT

AT 2:01 BUT I WAS HOME AT

2 O'CLOCK.

I DON'T WANT TO HEAR NOTHING

FROM YOU.

AND LIVING IN L.A. THEY GOT

THIS THING CALLED IRRECONCILABLE

DIFFERENCES.

I MEAN, YOU CAN GET A DIVORCE

JUST LIKE THAT.

NAW, YOU DON'T LOVE ME NO MORE,

I DON'T TURN YOU ON NO MORE,

THAT'S COOL, BUT I AIN'T GONNA

LEAVE YOU.

"BITCH, WE ROOMMATES.

GO ON AND FIX UP ANOTHER ROOM

AROUND THE HOUSE.

LIFE IS A LONG TIME.

WE'LL FALL BACK IN LOVE

TOGETHER.

WE WILL.

AND WHATEVER IT TOOK ME,

COME ON, I'M GONNA DO IT

FOR YOU, BABY.

HEY, I'M YOUR HUSBAND,

AND I'M STILL GONNA DO ALL

THE DUTIES AS YOUR HUSBAND.

AND YOU'RE GONNA DO ALL

THE DUTIES AS MY WIFE.

I'M GONNA CUT THE GRASS,

I'M GONNA PAY ALL THE BILLS,

AND YOU'RE GONNA DO ALL YOUR

DUTIES.

AND WHEN I'M IN THE MOOD

I'LL KNOCK ON THE DOOR.

(KNOCKING) 'WHO IS IT?'

'IT'S THE LANDLORD'.

I'M HERE TO COLLECT YOUR HALF

OF THE RENT.

YOU AIN'T EVEN GOT TO WAKE UP,

JUST ROLL ON OVER."

(LAUGHTER)

Earthquake: PEOPLE DON'T

UNDERSTAND, THAT'S WHY YOU'VE

GOT TO KEEP IT REAL.

A LOT OF PEOPLE GO TO JAIL, TOO.

I CAN'T GO TO JAIL.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

CAN'T.

A LOT OF YOUNG BROTHERS IN JAIL

NOW.

I'VE BEEN TO JAIL.

ALL RIGHT, I'VE BEEN TO JAIL,

BUT I DO LITTLE STUFF FOR LITTLE

TIME.

I GO TO JAIL FOR STUFF LIKE

EATING IN THE SUPER MARKET.

(LAUGHTER)

DON'T LAUGH, ALL OF US DO THIS

STUFF.

I'M THE ONLY BROTHER GOT CAUGHT.

YOU KNOW HOW YOU GO IN THE

SUPERMARKET EAT A COUPLE GRAPES,

HAVE A FEW COOKIES,

MAKE A SANDWICH, USE SOME

OF THE LOTION, PUT IT BACK

ON THE COUNTER.

"IT SAID '35 PERCENT FREE',

THAT'S MINE."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

TALKING ABOUT TIME, I GOT

A COUSIN, HE IN JAIL FOR LIFE.

LIFE.

CALLS ME THREE TIMES A DAY.

I HAD TO TELL HIM YESTERDAY,

"LOOK, MAN, YOU'RE GONNA BE

IN THERE A LONG TIME, YOU NEED

TO STRETCH THESE (BLEEP) DAMN

CALLS OUT."

(LAUGHTER)

AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO TELL

A BROTHER WITHOUT NO FUTURE.

WHAT YOU TELL HIM?

WHAT DO YOU SAY ON THE PHONE?

KEEP YOUR HEAD UP AND YOUR ASS

DOWN.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

'CAUSE IT IS, I CAN'T DO IT.

I CAN'T EVEN STAY IN MY ROOM

AN HOUR.

SO IT'S ABOUT CHOICES.

I HAD CHOICES.

DUDE WAS ASKING ME, "COME ON,

QUAKE, BE ON MY TEAM."

BIG DRUG DEALER, I'M LIKE, "NAH,

MAN, YOU DON'T WANT ME ON YOUR

TEAM."

YOU'RE LIKE, "I TRUST YOU,

LIKE DON'T TRUST ME, I'M A WEAK

LINK."

HE SAY "WE GREW UP TOGETHER,

WE CLOSE."

I SAY, "I KNOW WE CLOSE,

'CAUSE IF THEY CATCH ME BROTHER

THEY CAUGHT US."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

'CAUSE I'M A SNITCHER.

LET THE JUDGE SAY I GOT

25 YEARS.

I NEED TO TALK TO THE D.A.

IT WAS ALL THEM BROTHERS,

YOUR HONOR, AND MY MOTHER, TOO.

COME ON UP HERE, MOMMA.

COME ON, YOU SAW THAT COCAINE

COMING IN THE HOUSE.

HOW YOU THOUGHT I GOT THIS

ROLEX, TELL 'EM WHAT YOU KNOW,

MOMMA.

YOU 80 YEARS OLD, YOU DONE LIVE

YOUR LIFE, LET ME LIVE MY LIFE,

MOMMA.

THEY AIN'T GONNA DO NOTHING

TO YOU, COME ON.

AND SOMETHING ELSE I DON'T

UNDERSTAND, PLEASE, THE DEATH

ROW.

DEATH ROW, THEY'RE GONNA

TELL YOU THE DAY THEY'RE GONNA

KILL YOU AND EXPECT YOU TO BE

THERE.

(LAUGHTER)

WE ALL--

(LAUGHS)

WE ALL KNOW WE GONNA DIE

BUT WE DON'T KNOW THE DATE,

THEY GIVE YOU THE DATE.

THEY GIVE YOU THE DATE.

I'M COMING TO GET YOU

NEXT THURSDAY.

SO DON'T PLAN NOTHING THE REST

OF THE WEEK.

(LAUGHS)

THEY GIVE YOU A CALENDAR

AND THE REST OF THE PRISONERS

JUST BE MESSING WITH YOU.

"SO WHAT YOU DOING THIS FRIDAY?"

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

"OH, THAT'S RIGHT YOU AIN'T EVEN

GONNA BE HERE."

(LAUGHTER)

UNDERSTAND HOW ANYBODY COULD BE

RACIST, ALL OF US GOT RETARDED

KIDS.

(LAUGHS)

IT'S THE TRUTH.

LITTLE BLACK KIDS ARE DANGEROUS,

TOO.

I TOOK MY DAUGHTER TO THE ZOO,

TO THE ZOO.

BROTHERS WERE SHOOTING

AT THE ZOO.

WHAT YOU NEED A GUN AT

THE ZOO FOR, WHAT YOU A HUNTER?

I WENT BACK THREE WEEKS LATER,

TOOK MY DAUGHTER BACK, NOW THE

ANIMALS ARE RACIAL PROFILING.

LION WON'T EVEN COME OUT

THE CAGE IF HE SEE A BLACK MAN

THERE.

HE'LL GO TO THE GATE, (GRUNT)

I AIN'T MESSING WITH (GRUNT)."

(LAUGHTER)

BUT YOU GIVE A WHITE KID--

YOU ALL--

WHITE KID, WHOO, YOU ALL SOME--

YOU ALL GOT SOME DANGEROUS KIDS,

TOO.

YOU GIVE A WHITE KID A NAPKIN

AND SOME DUCK SAUCE THEY'LL MAKE

A BOMB.

(LAUGHTER)

BUT ONE THING ABOUT WHITE PEOPLE

THEY DEFEND THEIR KIDS ON TV,

DON'T THEY.

"BILLY DIDN'T DO IT.

BILLY DIDN'T DO IT."

THREE WEEKS LATER, "I DON'T KNOW

WHY BILLY DID IT."

(LAUGHTER)

BILLY DONE HAVE 14 BOMBS IN THE

BASEMENT.

I DIDN'T KNOW BILLY DID IT.

THAT'S WHAT WHITE--

YOU ALL BE SAYING.

BLACK PEOPLE SAY, "YEAH,

YOU DID, YOU HAD TO KNOW."

THEY DIDN'T KNOW.

BECAUSE BEING AROUND WHITE

PEOPLE NOW I UNDERSTAND THEY

HAVE A PRIVILEGE WE'LL NEVER

HAVE.

WHITE PEOPLE CAN BE THEIR KIDS

PARENTS AND FRIENDS.

AS BLACK PEOPLE WE CAN ONLY

BE OUR KIDS PARENTS.

AS SOON AS THEY'RE OLD ENOUGH WE

GOT TO LET THEM KNOW WHAT'S UP,

TAKE THEIR CHILDHOOD AWAY FROM

'EM BECAUSE THINGS WILL KILL

'EM.

"HEY, UH-HUH, PUT YOUR CHAIN

DOWN IN THERE THEY'LL ROB YOU.

KEEP YOUR HAND ON THE WHEEL

OR THEY MIGHT THINK THAT'S

TWO GUNS."

(LAUGHTER)

SO WHEN YOUR MOTHER IS YOUR

FRIEND AND YOUR PARENT YOU CAN

MAKE REQUESTS LIKE THEY MAKE

REQUESTS TO THEIR PARENTS,

WHITE KIDS.

"LOOK HERE, MOMMY, I WANT TO USE

THE GARAGE FOR A WHOLE WEEK

AND PROMISE YOU'RE NOT GONNA

COME IN THERE."

(LAUGHTER)

"OKAY, BILLY."

HE DOWN THERE MAKING A NUKE.

LIGHTS ARE FLICKERING, THE CABLE

AIN'T WORKING.

SHE AT THE DOOR, "I KNOW HE'S

DOING SOMETHING BUT I GAVE HIM

MY WORD.

I'M NOT GONNA GO IN THERE.

I DON'T WANT TO BREAK

MY PROMISE.

YOU KNOW BLACK PEOPLE.

YOU BETTER NOT CLOSE NO DOOR

AT YOUR MOTHER'S HOUSE.

YOU COULD BE BUCK NAKED,

LOTIONING YOURSELF AND SHE'LL

KICK THE DOOR, "LET GO OF

THE LOTION.

YOU LEAVE THE LOTION OUT HERE

FOR EVERYBODY TO USE.

I'M UP HERE LATE FOR WORK

LOOKING FOR THE LOTION.

PACK YOUR--

GET OUT OF HERE, PACK YOUR STUFF

AND GET UP OUT OF HERE."

SEE YOU ALL LATER.

MY NAME IS EARTHQUAKE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

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