Friendship

  • 03/19/2015

Joey Diaz shares his definition of true friendship, and Ari Shaffir and Pete Carboni remember getting separated while tripping on mushrooms for the first time.

And she'd be in therewatching, like, novellas

with a scale,a bag of coke, a gun,

and a motherfucking Chihuahua.

You understand?

Who fucking hasa Chihuahua for protection?

[dramatic music]

[cheers and applause]

Thank you.

On this show,here's what happens.

It's just a bunch of comicstelling true stories,

and that's all it is.

The man, the myth, the legend,

Mr. Joey Diaz.

[cheers and applause]

You know, when I was a kid,my mom had a bar,

and she was popular, so she hada lot of, like, girlfriends

that hung out with her,like, hot girls.

But there was this one chickthat she used to

be kind of tight with, butI couldn't fucking understand

what the friendship--like, theywould be on the phone all day.

They would talkfive times a day.

If my mother was in the city,she would stop by her house.

And then as I got older,I got the back story,

that they knew each otherin Cuba, and then...

This lady's name was Z.

That's what we're gonna call herfor this fucking story.

'Cause the names have changedto protect the innocent,

all that shit.

So, uh, they came from Cuba,and Z married some dude

and went to Chicago.

My mom opted--went to New York.

And like six monthsinto the marriage,

the guy was beatingthe hell out of Z,

and my mom and my daddrove down there and saved her

in the middle of the nightand took her to New York.

And she was indebted to them.

And this is, like,19-fucking-60.

Then, you know,as long as I can remember,

my mom used to go over there.And I liked going over

to where she livedbecause she went on

to become a huge drug dealerin New York.

Right?On 113th and Fifth Avenue

in the mouth of Spanishmotherfucking Harlem, right?

And it was scary.It was like The Walking Dead.

You see, like,Puerto Ricans walking around.

People fucking noddingon the sidewalks.

It was just amazing asa little kid to see this.

Fuck the circus and the zoo.

These are realfucking animals.

Like, hanging there.

Laying in their own pukeand shit.

It's fucking tremendous.

So, I liked going there, too,'cause she'd always give me,

like, a 20 or a 50.

As young as I was,she always dropped--

and she always dida blast of coke,

no matterwhere the fuck she was.

You understand me?

So I would go over there,she'd pick me up, kiss me,

and then go in her bra.[sniffs]

Do a line and ask mehow school was, and...

She went to my first communion.She did a bump kneeling down

in the fucking thing.She don't give a fuck!

That's a real crazy lady.

Not one of these ladies with atattoo and a hat with a feather.

"I'm so crazy."No you're not, all right?

No you're not.You go to yoga at Studio City.

You ain't that fucking crazy,all right?

Fucking crazy.

Go to yoga in Compton, bitch,and then we'll talk.

So going to her house, guys,

she lived on the second floorover a bodega.

This is, like, the mid-'70s.

You know, you knockedon Z's door,

and a black guyopened the door,

and he'd point youto the back.

And I would run to the back,

and she lived, like, in a--like in--

she had, like, maybethree rooms,

you know,like a living room.

But where she soldcoke out of and heroin

was this little room thathad, like, beads in the front.

Like, you know,you opened it up and shit.

And she'd be in therewatching, like, novellas

with a scale,a bag of coke, a gun,

and a motherfucking Chihuahua.

You understand?

Who fucking hasa Chihuahua for protection?

And she was dark Cuban,so she had big tits and an ass.

Like, she was good-looking,but she had blonde hair

that was tight,30 years before Lil' Kim.

I mean, she was way ahead ofher fucking time.

Finally, like, in the eighth orninth grade, I figured out,

you know,they were just good friends.

They spoke all the time.

But then my dad--my mom died.

And she wasthe first phone call I made.

And she was the first one there,you know?

She made allthe funeral arrangements.

You motherfuckers been toregular viewings with gentiles,

where they sit around and cry,and it's like,

"Oh, he was such a great man."

That's great.

That--that's great.

Then there'sIrish fucking wakes,

where people aredrinking and cursing and--

But then there's Cuban wakes.

That makes an Irish wake looklike a fucking daycare, okay?

They drink 24--and it's open 24 hours.

24 hours,funeral parlor.

And anything goes.People are doing lines,

people are arguing,people playing dominoes.

People are playingfucking dominoes

at my mother's fucking wake,okay?

And the first nightI hear this commotion.

And I go in the hallway.

Z had the funeral directorby the throat

because she put the wrong dresson my mother.

That is a fucking friend,motherfuckers, right?

Like...'cause anybody can beyour fucking friend

when you're alive, but tofucking be at your funeral

smacking motherfuckers,right?

That's a friend, right?

[applause]

That's a fucking friend,you know?

And she was checking people.

Like, "Hey, fuck you.You didn't like her,

and she didn't fucking like you.Get out."

She was checking people,you know?

And all these people werein there, "Oh, we loved Denore,"

and all this shit.

You didn't hear shitfrom this lady.

You didn't hear a word.

There was no fakenessout of her.

Right there,I learned what fake was

and what real was.

At that early age,I learned that, I saw it.

Like people come up to me,

"Oh, my God,if you need anything..."

And after my mom died,I'd call 'em,

and they changedtheir fucking phone number.

But just little thingsthat I saw right then.

I decided, oh, my God,that's what a fake person is.

"I loved your mother.Oh, God, take me."

All that shit.

You know, the whole fuckingfour days of the wake,

Z didn't say shit.

She would every oncein a while just sit in the back

and just take a little bumpout of her bra.

[sniffs]

And look at me and go, "Shh."

And she would just watchwhat was going on.

Even--and she wassuch a woman.

Like, men would behaving conversation.

I'm not talkingabout regular fucking guys.

I'm talking about Latin,old-school,

machismo motherfuckers.

And she would go tell 'em shitlike, "Shut the fuck up."

Like, even they werescared of her.

And I observed all this,

like how she had taken overfor my mother.

And then the last night,my mom got buried on a Monday,

and that SundayI went outside to smoke a joint

or whatever the fuckyou go outside of a wake for.

To get air.

And when I came back,she was alone with my mother.

It was the first timethey were alone together.

And she was kneeling down,and that's where I got it.

She was...petting her hair.

And she was telling herhow beautiful she was,

and how the world wasn'tgonna be the same without her,

and how she was gonna miss her,and she was her sister.

And it was justfucking mind-boggling.

And then she said--

and she turned,like she knew I was there,

and she goes, "I'm gonnatake care of this motherfucker.

"I'm gonna take care of him,I'm gonna watch over him,

I'm gonna make sure hegrows up to be a fucking man."

And I saw the meaningof friendship right there,

when Z was petting her fuckinghair and doing bumps.

She did a fucking bumpright there, right?

She did a bumplooking at the casket.

She's like, "I'd give you one,

but what's the differenceat this point?"

But then it was after thatshe stuck to her fucking word.

Every Sunday, she'd come overfrom Long Island

and meet meat Weehawken Cemetery,

and she'd bringa bottle of Dewar's, flowers,

and she'd pourthe bottle of Dewar's out

and tell my mother how much sheloved her and she missed her,

and she'd do some bumps.And by that time,

I was doing coke.And she would, like, do bumps

into the spirit, like,"Here's a couple for you."

And I'd be like,"No! Let me...

Give them fucking thingsto me!"

[laughter]

You're gonna fuckingthrow 'em on the grass.

That's $20of fucking blast there.

$20, $20, $20.

Stop it already!Give it to me!

So...this went on.

She took care of me, guys,from '79 till '83,

till I got out of high school.

Every fucking Sunday,200 fucking beans.

And she'd bring me weed,

a little $5 nickel bagfrom the city.

And then in '83I moved to Colorado,

and, you know, I got intocraziness and shit.

But I always called hertwice a week.

I would send her pictures,you know?

And then I movedback to Jersey,

and by that timeI was a fucking lunatic.

You know, and the cocainehad absorbed me and stuff.

And I kept in touch with her,

and I would go into the cityonce a week

and take herfor a Cuban sandwich.

There was a placeon 118th Street, we'd walk.

And I went--

And I went to Miami,and I found some friend of hers,

and I beat 'em for,like, a half a kilo.

And I just felt fucking bad.

You know how it is, dog.One bump leads into another.

Next thing you know,you're having a party.

Next thing you know,you did six ounces of blow.

It's a fucking nightmare,you know what I'm saying?

And there's no rehabs.There's no hugs.

You know?

'Cause they don't give a fuck,you know?

That's it.So I felt embarrassed.

And I came back from Miami andI'd fucked these people over.

And I felt embarrassed,so I didn't call her.

I didn't call her for,like, five months.

And in January of '85,I finally got a little sober

and I called her one dayand I go, "Z, what's going on?"

And she's like,"Where the fuck have you been?"

She goes, "You haven't called mein, like, five months."

She goes, "The cops raided me.They took everything."

She goes, "My leg broke, andthere was nobody here for me."

And I felt fucking terrible.

I let my mother down,I let myself down,

I let Z down.And I was at a pay phone.

I just droppedthe fucking pay phone.

It was likea kick in my stomach,

like she had just said,you know,

"Where the fuckwere you for me?

"For all those years,I was there for you,

and you justdisappeared on me."

And I was--I just felt terrible,and I--

I walked awayfrom the pay phone.

I didn't call herfor about a week or two,

and then I finally calledand her phone was disconnected.

And I went over to the bodegaa few times,

and they told methat she got busted

and they closed the apartment,and I never talked to her again.

And I felt like shit.And I live with that today.

And that 1985, you know?

And I thought about it,and I digested it,

and I swore to God that ifI ever had a chance

to be a friend to somebody--

'Cause you don't need20 friends.

You just needthree motherfuckers,

and you cantake over a country.

Okay, that's where we'reconfused as Americans.

We think we needall these motherfuckers.

You give methree bad motherfuckers

and you're finished.

You understand me?

You're fucking finished...[cheers and applause]

because we got each other.

And, you know, listen, man,like Ari.

Ari's my fucking goombahtill the end.

He might bea Jew or whatever,

and I'm Cuban,but that's my fucking goombah.

And he knowsthat's what I'm here.

Not because whatever,but, you know,

I promised that I would bea friend to people,

and I wouldlive and die for them.

And, you know,when I look at people now,

I always look at peoplesometimes and I go,

"How's that motherfuckergonna feel when I die?"

Is he gonna be talking shitat my funeral

or is he gonnasqueeze my daughter

and come see her every weekand give her a toy?

You know, and that's howI have to look at people.

That's how I was raised,you know?

And I always livedwith that guilt

of not doing somethingfor my friend.

And then in 2007I got off the blow.

I quit doing cocaine.Don't ask.

You know?Don't clap.

Nobody's supposed to do itanyway, you know?

People are like,"I'm off drugs."

You're an asshole.You're not supposed to do drugs

anyway, okay?Don't fucking break your arm

tapping yourself on the back,asshole.

So...

Right or wrong?

These motherfuckers walk aroundwith their water,

"I'm sober now."

Who gives a fuck?You know?

You know, two months agoyou were sucking dick for rock

at The Roxy.

Now I gotta fuckingshake your hand.

Fuck you.

You motherfuckers don't know,you know what I'm saying?

So I got off coke.

I had been off coke,like, four days.

[laughter]

And that was tough for me.

I used to go, like,18 hours,

and I'm like, "Ooh!"

That's a long fucking time,you know?

I was clean for four days,and a dear friend of mine dies.

It was a comedian.She died of cancer.

And there wasthis one producer

that used to mess with usall the time here in L.A.

He would have these festivalsand tell us

that he was gonna book us,and then decide,

"Oh, no, no, I'm not hiringdirty comics this year.

Why would you have towork so dirty?"

He'd make us feel badabout being dirty comics,

when we were just expressingwho the fuck we were.

You know what I'm saying?So...

I saw him then.

He had messed withme and Marilyn a couple times,

and I saw him at the church.

Right?I saw him at the church,

but it was 10:00.

I was a littleon the stoned side.

I said I might as wellnot say nothing.

You know, sometimesyou do a bong hit before church

just to calm your nerves.

You know, sometimesjust 1 1/2 just to, you know,

just to loosen you upbefore church.

And, uh...

'Cause church suckswithout a bong hit.

Trust me, that's whyit sucked as a kid.

Once you start doing bong hits,church ain't that bad.

It's a fucking hour,people shake hands,

they give you a cookie,you know, everybody--

"Peace be with you,"you know what I'm saying?

[laughs]

Right or wrong?

"Peace be with you, brother.Peace be with you.

Peace be with you."

So that night they hada memorial at a comedy club.

When I walkinto the memorial,

well, they had free foodat the memorial.

Like, this--Like, they had--

They buried her that day,

but they had, like,a microphone.

They had a picture where you'regonna go up and say words.

Then they had free food.When I walk in,

guess who's eating the fuckingfree motherfucking food?

That motherfucking producer.

Now, by that time, I'm bre--it's after 8:00.

The cocaine addictionis growing.

I'm getting madderby the minute.

I'm Cuban.It's fucking just...

it's just developing, right?

And they come over to me,they go, "Listen,

when we do the memorial,can you go up on stage first?"

And I'm like, "Absolutely."And I'll get my words over,

and I'll getthe fuck out of here

so I can go homeand go to sleep

before I chokethis motherfucker, too, right?

So they say, "Coming tothe stage, Joey Diaz."

I go on stage.People, you know me.

I talk for like a minute,and I can't--

this motherfucker's over therewith that smile on his face.

You know when somebody'sgot, like, that smile

on their fucking face?

And in the middle ofmy memorial, I just stopped.

And I go, "I don't know whatthe fuck you're smiling about,

motherfucker," you know?"But I tell you what,

"I'm gonna go get a drink,and when I get back,

"you, your wife,and that fucking attorney

"better get the fuck out here

'cause I'm gonnafuck you motherfuckers up."

And I was serious, Jack.

I was fucking serious.Like, I was done.

Like, seven dayswithout a line of coke.

This motherfucker--this is my out.

I'll beat him up,and then fuck it,

they'll throw me in county jailfor 30 days.

By the time I get out,I'll be clean and sober.

I mean, that was my fucking...

That's how you gotta thinkwhen you're fucking addicted,

how I was, you know?

But I was really pissed aboutwhat this motherfucker had done

to me and to Marilyn,and how he had the balls

to show up at this fucking wake

with that smileon his fucking face.

And as I went to the drink,and I came back in,

and him and his fucking familywere gone.

When I walked to my car,I thought about one thing.

That I'm through.I-I-I did what I had to do.

Without even knowing,

I stuck up for one of my friendswho had died.

And that nightI became that much better

as a human fucking being.

I made my peace with Z,

I made my peacewith my mother,

and most importantlyI made my peace with myself.

And that's my storyabout friendship.

[cheers and applause]

don't smellI'm like, anything, I don't knoÁand

then every once and a while like"Carboni!" "Go!"

"Carboni! Pete!" "Pleasejust go!"

(music)

(music)

Do you guys have that friendthat everybody has and as soon as they start

dating somebody they just arenot your friend anymore they

just disappear into therelationship. So I had this

friend Pete, ok, Pete Carboni.he gets like that. When Pete

Carboni has a girlfriend he'sa no-call-returningmotherfucker,

like you can just call himtwenty times you won't get

anything back so he was datingthis girl once named Kelly and

we didn't talk for like a yearand at some point you're like

"Alright, I'll fucking hangout when you break up, see you

in eight months." You know, youjust know at some point,

that's their pattern. So Petecalled me one day and he goes

"Hey Ari, listen I broke upwith Kelly." And i was like,

"Fuck yeah, man.congratulations." And he goes

"Listen", he owned up to ithe goes "Lsten, I've been a

bad friend and I'm sorry. AndI want to make it up to you so I

got some mushrooms so I think weshould do these mushrooms to

rekindle our friendship. And Iwas like "Dude, Pete, you

don't have to do that man,I'm just happy to have you

back in my life. Just to haveyou around again is good enough,

but I will be there in fourminutes because let's do these

mushrooms. I had never donethem before, have you guys ever

done them before by round ofapplause? (cheers) Ok, cool a

few of you have. At the time Ihad never done them so I was

worried, we didn't know likehow long it would take to kick

in, none of this stuff. So weasked our drug dealer cause

that's what you're supposedto do. Always ask your drug

dealer for advice they have avested interest in keeping you

safe. They want you to come backand our drug dealer said it

would take thirty minutes tokick in so we were like perfect,

here's what we're gonna do.We're going to take these

mushrooms, we're going to goto the Third Street Promenadein

Santa Monica where there's nocars and we can walk around and

have a great time. So we tookthem, we drove to the Third

Street Promenade. It's like afive minute drive from his

house. Anyways, maybe threeminutes on the way, this carpassed us,

just this other car on a twolane street just passed us and

we laughed so hard at that. Wewere just like "dude

(indistinctÓ and at one pointone of us was like. "wait this

doesn't seem that funny" andwe're like "yeah it's not

that funny- ohhh we're onmushrooms, we're tripping out

right now, they've kicked in.Way too early. Why did we trust

our drug dealer?" So we'relike we have to parkimmediately.

So we're driving to a freeparking lot but right then we

passed a five dollar parking lotand he was like "We should

pull over here." And I waslike "yes, we should." buteven on

mushrooms my judaism does notleave me. Free, exactly, is

always less money than somemoney. So we thought better be

safe than sorry, let's go tothis free parking lot. We got

maybe two blocks of the sixblocks we had left and I looked

over and we were in traffic andI looked over and saw a tree in

the sidewalk on the other sideof the street and I thought

"man that tree needs somefriends. And if he was born in

the forest he'd have tons offriends. but he wasn't he was

born in the fucking sidewalk,and he's got nobody" and I

turned to pete and I'm like"Hey man you thinking what

I'm thinking?" and he waslike. "wait, what, no!

There's like a billionthoughts you could have, I'm

definitely not thinking whatyou're thinking. The odds

of that are just crazy, it'smind blowing, for instance,

I'm thinking we should go hugthat tree." "That's

exactly what I was thinking!that's the exact thing!" But

he's like "ok, but let'snot get out here because if we

get out in the middle of streetit will be weird that we're

just abandoning our car in themiddle lane, so i was like

"cool let's go to the freeparking lot" so we went to the

free parking lot, forgot aboutthe tree instantly, and as we

were leaving I took my phone andwas like, "should I have this

with me?" I didn't know whatmushrooms were, I had this

thought that if somebody, likethe wrong person texted me I was

going to freak out. Like if mymom texted me I'd just be like

"ah, you know!" and fuckingchuck my phone. So I just left

it in the car. I didn't wantto deal with it, That doesn't

happen, you shouldn't leaveyour phone in the car, but

that's not what happened. Sowe got out, went to the Third

Street Promenade. Now, the ThirdStreet Promenade, if you

haven't been there, is full offamilies. You feel like a real

degenerate. You're like"I'm on mushrooms, and

that's a four year old." Sowe both felt kinda weird and

were just like "let's getout of here, let's go see a

movie." So we sat down, got abunch of popcorn, sat down in

this movie theatre and we werelike "This is going to be

awesome" and then the Brunotrailer came on and man we

laughed so hard. People areworried about mushrooms but you

just laugh, we laughed. We justlaughed for the first half of

that preview. And then PeteCarboni, he just starts rustling

with his jacket, he has hisjacket on, he just starts

rustling with it like this overand over again. And I'm over

here looking at him and I'mlike, I don't want to say

anything, but he's been doingthat for a while. And then all

of a sudden he just stands upand he just walks out. And I was

like "fuck yeah, Pete'sfeeling it." So I enjoyed the

rest of the preview myself, itwas amazing. Movie started, Pete

didn't come back, and I waslike "Where the fuck is he, I

thought he went to the bathroomor something. I was like, "I

should go check for him, but Idon't wanna miss this movie,

it's pretty amazingalready." And, to tell you

what happened to Pete Carboni,ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Pete

Carboni, everybody let him hearit.

So it was about halfwaythrough the trailer...

[laughter]

To the movie Bruno

that I startedto feel sadder

than I've ever feltin my life before.

I think what wasgoing through my mind is,

I was laughingat the trailer.

I found it really funny,and I was like,

"Yeah, this guy Sacha BaronCohen's a really funny dude.

He's doing really wellin his career," you know?

And then I started to thinkof my own career as a comedian,

and I started to geta little bit sad.

And that thought justspiraled me

and propelled meout of that room.

I had that feelingthat you have,

like, right before you're aboutto cry hysterically.

I mean, am I right, fellas?Yeah?

And I was in a dark placein my life.

I'd just gotten out of thison-again, off-again

embattled relationshipwith this girl Kelly.

And Kelly would usethe off-again portion

of our relationship

to have sexwith some of my friends.

Yes, and this wouldoften inspire me

to take her back again,you know,

to stop thatfrom happening,

which would make usmore embattled, you know?

Which would make mebreak up with her.

The whole thing--it's whatan economist might call

a vicious cycle.

So I--like, I got to getout of here.

I'm just notin a good place.

So I jump into a cab,and I say, "551 Sawtelle,"

and the guy must havemisheard me.

So he turned around,

and he was like,"Uh, which hotel?"

And normally,

I think I would be able toresolve this misunderstanding.

But in the condition I was in,all I could think to do was,

I pointed in the directionof my apartment,

and I just was like, "Go!

Ari: So I thought I should goout and see if Pete Carboni is

in the lobby. And I also hadthis other problem where Ibecame

positive that I had peed mypants. And it's dark in a movietheatre

and I couldn't see so I was justtrying to feel for it, just likethis

in the fucking begining ofpublic enemies. Looking at other

people just like "no, it's notwhat you think, I just"

Like, they'll never understand.I just pissed myself and I justwanted to check.

It's not what you think, it'snothing bad. And I couldn't feelany liquid and I was like

alright maybe I didn't peemyself. And I was like you knowwhat, here's what I'll do,

I'll go outside, in the lobby inthe light and see if I have apee stain, and that's

how I'll find Carboni if he'sout there.

Pete: Please, just go!"

And so the guy just startsdriving in that direction,

and I'm like,"Okay, I'm on my way home,"

and then we gotto a stop sign.

And it's a weird thing.

When you're on mushrooms,

it messes with your senseof time, you know?

So it felt like I was at thisstop sign for, like, a year.

It felt awful.

And so I couldn't help my--and I just start going,

"Go!Please!

Please go!Just go!"

And then the guywould drive faster,

and then he'd getto the next stoplight sooner.

And then I'd yell "go" again.

I mean, this is anothervicious cycle

I found myself in.

So I got out of the cab.I told him to stop, got out.

And I gave him 100 bucks.

And then I turned,and I just started running.

And I was running downBundy Avenue,

which if you don't know isbasically a four-lane highway.

And it's probably too bigof a street to be running down,

dressed like this,

as fast as you can

while you're cryinghysterically,

Ari: So I went outside, Ilooked, I didn't see him rightaway.

I was like "Oh, let' me check mypee stain." I looked, I didn'tsee a stain

I was like "Oh, fuck yeah. MaybeI didn't pee myself at all."

But then I was like, "wait, whatif I peed, so much, that theentire thing

is just one big pee stain."

Pete: as I'm running,I notice ahead of me

a hole, like,in a fence.

And so my instinct is just to gothrough this hole in the fence.

So I just jumped--I sort of slide through,

and I wind up in,like, this suburban backyard.

And there's some dudewho's, like,

reading a paperon his back porch

as I come inin my sad state.

And I was like, "I'm just...

I'm gonna trythe honesty approach."

I walk up to the guy.

I'm like,"Uh, excuse me, sir?

"I'm very sorry,but I'm feeling very sick.

Do you think that maybeyou could drive me home?"

And shockingly,this guy says yes.

Ari: So I'm out in the lobby ofthe Loews going like this just

trying to fucking smell.

Pete: And we got in his car,and, you know,

he starts driving,but then he gets to a stop sign.

And I'm just out of control.

I'm like,"Man, just go!

Ari: I'm like "I don't smellanything. I don't know."

And then every once and a whilejust like "Carboni!"

Please!Just go!"

"Carboni! Pete!"

And then I was like "alright Ishould go find him. I don't knowwhere he is.

but I should find him. But I waslike wait what if he comes backhere, let's just

make the movies the home base.So I watched the movie and everyfew minutes I was like

"Where the fuck is Pete".

Until finally I felt so bad.I'm just like, this degenerate.

Doing mushrooms on a Mondaymorning.

And I jump out of his car,and I throw $200 at him.

And he--he says to me.

He's like, "Man, I justdrove you, like, five blocks.

It's really"--And I was like, "Just take it!"

And thenI just started running.

And I ranall the way home.

And when I got home, I startedto feel a little bit lonely,

and I started to rethink thingswith Kelly, you know?

It's like,you know, yeah,

she slept with a fewof my friends.

Okay.

Maybe I canjust take that as,

she finds my friendsreally charming and attractive.

In a way,that's like a compliment.

Ari: At the end of the movieeverybody stood up to leave

and I saw this kid, this 18 yearold kid. He was with hisgrandparents and they stood up

and they were discussing themovie they just saw,

and it was so beautiful.

So I called her,and I asked her to come over,

Ari: I was overcome withemotion.

I was like, this kid is stillspending time with hisgrandparents

that's so fucking wonderful.

And when she got there,I begged her to take me back,

and she did.

I was almost like getting chokedup, I was like "my grandparents

are all gone, I'll never get achance to see public enemieswith them."

Pete: And then I kissed her, sopassionately.

As so many of my friends haddone before me.

Ari: But anyway, I pick up thephone and call Pete.

And then my phone rang,

and it was Ari.

I was like, "Oh, yeah.That's right.

"Like, we were supposed to bedoing mushrooms today

"to rekindleour friendship

because I've beensuch a bad friend."

"Oh no".

And, Ari, do you rememberwhat you said?

(Ari)Yeah, I was worried about you.

So I was like--I was like,"Hey, are you okay?"

Yeah, and I thoughthe was gonna attack me,

which would've beenthe right thing to do.

And then I was like,"You know"--

I don't knowhow to tell him this,

so I was like, "Yeah, I'm good.I'm good.

I'm here with Kelly."

Yeah, I forgotabout that.

You were like,"I'm here with Kelly.

We got back together,"but I was like...

[sighs]

"All right, well,at least you're all right."

(Pete)Yeah, he wasa good sport about it.

And then you--not only that,then he says to me.

He's like, "Hey, man,I just want to let you know

that I love you."

(Ari)I do.

I was really concernedfor you.

Yeah, and I was, like,overwhelmed with--

I was like--That was so nice of you.

- Yeah.- Yeah.

I wouldn't have beenthat way.

Let me ask youa question.

(Pete)What's that?

Why--why did you have$300 on you?

[laughter and applause]

I think I figured thatI was doing something

sort of adventurousthat, like,

I should probably bringemergency funds.

- You know?- No, it's--

Just to be safe.

You don't need emergency fundsfor a mushroom trip.

Oh, yeah,but didn't I need them?

[laughter]

Wouldn't you saythat I needed them?

Yeah, you're right.You're right, you did.

And I'm gladyou're safe, man.

I'm glad you're safeas well.

Thanks.Pete Carboni, everybody.

Pete Carboni.

He owned up to it.

He goes,"I've been a bad friend.

"I've been distant,and I'm sorry.

"And I want tomake it up to you.

"So I got some mushrooms,

"and I thinkwe should do these mushrooms

to rekindleour friendship."

[exciting music]

[cheers and applause]

(Ari)Thank you.

On this show,here's what happens.

It's just a bunch of comicstelling true stories,

and that's all it is.

And to tell youwhat happened to Pete Carboni,

ladies and gentlemen,his side of the story,

Mr. Pete Carboni,everybody.

Let him hear it.

[cheers and applause]

So it was about halfwaythrough the trailer...

[laughter]

To the movie Bruno

that I startedto feel sadder

than I've ever feltin my life before.

I think what wasgoing through my mind is,

I was laughingat the trailer.

I found it really funny,and I was like,

"Yeah, this guy Sacha BaronCohen's a really funny dude.

He's doing really wellin his career," you know?

And then I started to thinkof my own career as a comedian,

and I started to geta little bit sad.

And that thought justspiraled me

and propelled meout of that room.

I had that feelingthat you have,

like, right before you're aboutto cry hysterically.

I mean, am I right, fellas?Yeah?

And I was in a dark placein my life.

I'd just gotten out of thison-again, off-again

embattled relationshipwith this girl Kelly.

And Kelly would usethe off-again portion

of our relationship

to have sexwith some of my friends.

Yes, and this wouldoften inspire me

to take her back again,you know,

to stop thatfrom happening,

which would make usmore embattled, you know?

Which would make mebreak up with her.

The whole thing--it's whatan economist might call

a vicious cycle.

So I--like, I got to getout of here.

I'm just notin a good place.

So I jump into a cab,and I say, "551 Sawtelle,"

'cause that'swhere I lived,

and the guy must havemisheard me.

So he turned around,

and he was like,"Uh, which hotel?"

And normally,

I think I would be able toresolve this misunderstanding.

But in the condition I was in,all I could think to do was,

I pointed in the directionof my apartment,

and I just was like, "Go!

Please, just go!"

And so the guy just startsdriving in that direction,

and I'm like,"Okay, I'm on my way home,"

and then we gotto a stop sign.

And it's a weird thing.

When you're on mushrooms,

it messes with your senseof time, you know?

So it felt like I was at thisstop sign for, like, a year.

It felt awful.

And so I couldn't help my--and I just start going,

"Go!Please!

Please go!Just go!"

And then the guywould drive faster,

and then he'd getto the next stoplight sooner.

And then I'd yell "go" again.

I mean, this is anothervicious cycle

I found myself in.

Until finally,I felt so bad.

I felt like--"Geez, I'm"--I'm like,

"This guy's, like,a working-class guy.

He's doing his jobto support his family."

I'm likethis degenerate.

I'm doing mushroomson a Monday morning.

So I got out of the cab.I told him to stop, got out.

And I gave him 100 bucks.

And then I turned,and I just started running.

And I was running downBundy Avenue,

which if you don't know isbasically a four-lane highway.

And it's probably too bigof a street to be running down,

dressed like this,

as fast as you can

while you're cryinghysterically,

because people startedslowing down on the road

to check me out,you know?

They're, like,"Yeah, I don't think that guy

is jogging."

So I start to feelreally self-conscious,

and as I'm running,I notice ahead of me

a hole, like,in a fence.

And so my instinct is just to gothrough this hole in the fence.

So I just jumped--I sort of slide through,

and I wind up in,like, this suburban backyard.

And there's some dudewho's, like,

reading a paperon his back porch

as I come inin my sad state.

And I was like, "I'm just...

I'm gonna trythe honesty approach."

I walk up to the guy.

I'm like,"Uh, excuse me, sir?

"I'm very sorry,but I'm feeling very sick.

Do you think that maybeyou could drive me home?"

And shockingly,this guy says yes.

I was like--and my mindwas blown that he said yes.

I was like, "What a wonderfulworld we live in

that this guywould say yes to me."

I was like, "But he shouldn't,"and he did,

and I love that man.

And we got in his car,and, you know,

he starts driving,but then he gets to a stop sign.

And I'm just out of control.

I'm like,"Man, just go!

Please!Just go!"

And we wind updoing that again,

and then I finally tell himto stop.

And I jump out of his car,and I throw $200 at him.

And he--he says to me.

He's like, "Man, I justdrove you, like, five blocks.

It's really"--And I was like, "Just take it!"

And thenI just started running.

And I ranall the way home.

And when I got home, I startedto feel a little bit lonely,

and I started to rethink thingswith Kelly, you know?

It's like,you know, yeah,

she slept with a fewof my friends.

Okay.

Maybe I canjust take that as,

she finds my friendsreally charming and attractive.

In a way,that's like a compliment.

So I called her,and I asked her to come over,

and she did.

And when she got there,I begged her to take me back,

and she did.

And then my phone rang,

and it was Ari.

I was like, "Oh, yeah.That's right.

"Like, we were supposed to bedoing mushrooms today

"to rekindleour friendship

because I've beensuch a bad friend."

And, Ari, do you rememberwhat you said?

(Ari)Yeah, I was worried about you.

So I was like--I was like,"Hey, are you okay?"

Yeah, and I thoughthe was gonna attack me,

which would've beenthe right thing to do.

And then I was like,"You know"--

I don't knowhow to tell him this,

so I was like, "Yeah, I'm good.I'm good.

I'm here with Kelly."

Yeah, I forgotabout that.

You were like,"I'm here with Kelly.

We got back together,"but I was like...

[sighs]

"All right, well,at least you're all right."

(Pete)Yeah, he wasa good sport about it.

And then you--not only that,then he says to me.

He's like, "Hey, man,I just want to let you know

that I love you."

(Ari)I do.

I was really concernedfor you.

Yeah, and I was, like,overwhelmed with--

I was like--That was so nice of you.

- Yeah.- Yeah.

I wouldn't have beenthat way.

Let me ask youa question.

(Pete)What's that?

Why--why did you have$300 on you?

[laughter and applause]

I think I figured thatI was doing something

sort of adventurousthat, like,

I should probably bringemergency funds.

- You know?- No, it's--

Just to be safe.

You don't need emergency fundsfor a mushroom trip.

Oh, yeah,but didn't I need them?

[laughter]

Wouldn't you saythat I needed them?

Yeah, you're right.You're right, you did.

And I'm gladyou're safe, man.

I'm glad you're safeas well.

Thanks.Pete Carboni, everybody.

Pete Carboni.