Ross, Kosta, Goldman, Boulger, Andre, Hoogasian, Scolaro

  • Season 2, Ep 0206
  • 06/21/2007

Holy mackerel.

You get cable with those?

That is awesome, buddy.

Welcome to the show.

Thanks for dressing up, stoner.


You look like you'rethe food critic for High Times.

Thanks for not wearingflip-flops, though.

You got your dirty (bleep)sneakers on.

(audience giggling)

There was a guy at my showthe other night

with his girlfriend,on a Saturday night,

wearing flip-flops.

That's like saying, "Hey, baby,anybody disrespects you

"in any way tonight,

"there ain't a (bleep) thingI can do about it.

"I don't have the properankle support

"to be defending your honor,okay?

So, I'm just gonna flippity-flopthe (bleep) home."


You guys cheered me up.

I wrecked my car.

I hit a deer.

34th and Broadway.

How the hell does that happen?

It ran right outof Penn Station,

with a hot pretzelhanging out of its snout.

And a homeless guyran out of nowhere

and squeegees the deerright off the windshield.

I've been in L.A. a lot.

I got invited to the worstOscar's party ever.

It's tomorrow.

That reminds me, New York,let's all give

Al Gore a round of applausefor the awesome weather, huh?

(light applause and cheering)

I don't know what he's doing,but it's working.

Anybody see his movie lastsummer about global warming?


Was it good?

I was going to see it,

but the air conditioningwas broke in the theater.

I was like no (bleep) way.

But I did go to Iraq and do

a show at the Gotham Comedy Clubin Baghdad.

That was a rough crowd.

After the show,some guy was like,

"Oh, I laughed so hard,I stabbed my friend.

"I nearly Shiite my pants.

I dropped a Kurd, I swear."

It was scary.

My hotel room got hitwith a mortar.

At least that's what I told themwhen I checked out, screw it.

"Insurgents broke in and drankeverything in the minibar.

"They made some long distancephone calls

"and (bleep) off on the drapes.

"It was terrifying.

I'm not paying this bill."

I actually did a showfor the troops.

I brought along Drew Carey,because, you know,

troops love blondeswith big tits.

They even taught mean Iraqi knock-knock joke.

You want to hear it?

(hocks twice)



Roll your eyes, but you'llbe doing that (bleep)

at work on Monday.

Oh, eight billion a monthwe spend over there.

Eight billion a month.Imagine that?

At this point we shouldjust make it the 51st state.

Welcome to Iraqichussets.

Live free and die.

You're a fun crowd.

I do a lot of benefits.

Right after Hurricane Katrina,

the military invited meto go down to New Orleans

and do a showfor the relief workers.

Because I was rollingwith the military, you know,

I got to witness the devastationfrom the hurricane

with my own eyes.

And I got to tell you wasn't that bad.


Even Sesame Street-- I was watching Sesame Street

with my nephew the other day.

Even Cookie Monster,they got him on a diet.

He's like, "Mm-mm, kids, cookiesare now a sometimes snack.


I miss the old Cookie Monster.

He used to want to stick his(bleep) in some chocolate chips.



Shut the door, kids.

Cookie Monster might haveto make this batch my bitch.

I want to try something.I wrote a, uh...

I wrote a love poem,little change of mood.

Can we, uh, can wedim the lights a little bit?



This is a poem I wrotefor my cat.

It's called, "Here Kitty."




(hissing lightly)



(bleep) you, Kitty.

Air high fives.

Come on, New York City,put them up there.

Air high fives,no one is really doing it.

Air high fives.

Good to be here,you didn't it at all.

It's fun for me, I get to saymy name as often as I want.

One more time.You're attractive,

we're going to have sex later.

Mike Kosta, how are you?

Mike Kosta, good to be here.

Not even listening.

Mike Kosta, how are you?Good to be here.

Mike Kosta, thank you,that's better.

Now we're not goingto have sex later.

This is great to be here,thanks for coming out.

Went over to my parents' houseto have dinner the other day.

When I say "go overto my parents' house,"

I mean walk down the stairs.

My dad's an atheist,doesn't believe in God,

but he still demands on sayinggrace before every meal.

Well, how do you say graceif you don't believe in God

and if you can't startwith "Dear Father," right?

So what my dad does is,we all hold hands,

we bow our headsand he says,

"To whom it may concern."

My mom gets mad.

My mom says I acttoo cocky on stage, yeah.

I told her, "Nobody speaksto Kosta that way."

Mike Kosta.

Who's with me?Come on.

Mike Kosta.Who's with me?

Mike Kosta.How are you?

No one did it.

I have a German girlfriend.

Yeah, and it's weird for me,

because I'm American,I love America.

So whenever we have sex,

I feel like I'm cheating onthe United States, you know?

The only way I canconvince myself it's okay

is if I pretend that my penisis a machine gun

and she's a neo-Nazi.

"This is for freedom, you Nazibitch," you know, and it's...

But she still won't wearthe helmet though,

which pisses me off.

If you didn't like that joke,you're a Nazi.

That's what's happening.

Come to a couple of conclusionsin my dating.

First conclusion:If I meet a woman

and she has a nice ass,she has a boyfriend. Okay?

But if I meet a womanand she has a great ass,

well, she's in high school.


And what grade are you in,table 12?

Hi there.

Is this your boyfriendright here?

Not really?Your husband.

Oh, even better.Perfect.

Well, in case you'relooking for an upgrade,

my name is Mike Kosta,call me after the show.

That's for you.

No offense.

I could take you.

No offense.

an anorexic woman

than a bulimic woman.

Okay, now hear me out.

An anorexic woman, althoughsickly and disgusting-looking,

I don't have to buy her dinner.

Mike Kosta, who's with me?

Mike Kosta, thanks so much.

Cheap and single.Mike Kosta, thank you very much.

I'm dating a new womanright now, yeah.

She's a virgin.Thank you.

She was a virgin.

Mike Kosta, who's with me?Mike Kosta.

Virgin slayer, Mike Kosta.

Thank you.

Mike Kosta.

Is it possible for

a heterosexual manto apply Chapstick

without looking gay?Is that possible?

Every time I put Chapstick on,I feel gay.

I don't know how it looks.I don't know, maybe it...

Does it look like I'm gay?

Maybe you guys can...let me know.

Mike Kosta.

Does that look gay...does that look gay to you, sir?

No. Not really. Really? Okay.

Would it... Would that offendyou if it did look gay?

No, not at all. Well, either way.

My name's Mike Kosta then.Call me after the show.

Hey, you guys were a lot of fun.

I'm in a great mood!

This is so wonderfuland beautiful. I feel great.

I just celebrateda wedding anniversary.

That's confusing.

To a woman.

Great. So wonderful.

It doesn't mean anything.It was illegal. Whatever.

So, we have this awesome way...I was so... It was amazing.

I want to sayI want to come out...

especially for the guysin the audience.

I love when I hearthat guys love, like,

thinking about women together.You know what I mean?

Like, "I love girl-on-girlaction. It's so hot!

"Girls can get so hot!

"I want to think about two girlsto get so hot!

I want to get another girlin the bedroom so hot!"

Let me give you a reality check.

Next time you go getyour girl-on-girl porn,

why don't you meet me at, like,at 6:00 p.m.

at the softball league, okay?

Then you can pick outa couple of ladies

for your little threesomethere. You know what I mean?

A little Pat, a little Terry.

You know? Huh?

So we did celebrating.We did have an illegal wedding.

It was very exciting.

And I come froma conservative Jewish family,

so I was very scared.Oh, okay, yeah. Jews.

And, um...

So I was very nervousabout the wedding thing

'cause I had to tell my mother--my conservative Jewish mother--

who many of you might know.

If you're not a Jew,it doesn't really...

We all have the same mother,you know?



So I had to tell her.

I had to tell Phyllis Goldmanthat I wanted

a big lezzie vaginahomo wedding! All right?

So then, she's going to freakout about it, right?

My mother... This is a woman...I have to tell...

The woman who startsevery sentence like this:

"Ach! Ehh!"

My mother is the most

irritated woman on the face of the planet.

She's like four feet tall,filled with disappointment!

She's just irritated.

She could be on a cruise.

She could be on a cruise,taking a hot tub

filled with money,

being massaged by 14 unicorns.

And, literally, she'd go,"Ach! It's all right."

This is the woman I have to tellabout a lesbian wedding.

Finally, I tell my mother, and Ithink she's going to freak out,

but my mother doesn't freak out.

My mother's actuallyreally into it, and I was so...

I couldn't believe it.We underestimate people.

My mother was so into thiswedding, and I found out why.

Because I have a brotherand a sister

who are straight and normal...

...but they're not married.

So this was her wedding!This was it!

Do you understand?

Literally, at one point,my mother's, like,

"Julie, I need this.I don't care.

"You can take a chair and a cup,

"shove it up your ass,and call it your wife!

"I'm going to plan that party!Do you understand me?

"I don't care who you marry.

"I need this, Julie!I need this!

I've never needed anythingmore in my life!"

So we did it.We had this big wedding.

Had 150 peopleat my illegal wedding.

It was very exciting. Right?

90 of the people

at my wedding are my mother'sJewish friends from the temple.

Can you imagine?

So my mother's goingto all these people

thanking them for coming. Right?

My mother has a breakdownin the middle of the wedding.

"Thank you for coming.Thank you for coming."

(mimicking crying)

"My daughter is the groom!"

"What, Mom? Why are you tellingpeople I'm the groom?

"Why are you saying that?Why tell people I'm the groom?

"Come on!Can't we just be two people

"who are in love with each andother deserve to be together"

and deserve the same rightsand privileges...

(speaking nonsensical gibberish)

My mother looks at me and goes,"Please, cut the (bleep)!

Have you looked in the mirror?You're the groom!"

You know, people think lezzieshate me-- we don't hate men.

We love men.We love our daddies,

we love our brothers,we love our boyfriends.

But I got to tell you something.

I went to a bar.This is a little tangent.

I'm a little confused becauseI went into a bar recently,

and I was hit onby a straight man.

Very confusing.

Because I think I understand

what the straight manlooks for in a woman,

and it generally does notcome in this package.

Do you know what I mean?

So when a straight mankind of hits on me,

I'm, like, "Dude, you're gay,first of all."

You know what I mean?

Think about it.

Secondly,this guy came up to me.

It was so interesting,

'cause he came up, says,"How you doing?"

And I was a little confused.

And I wanted to be nice,so I sort of answered him

the only way I knew how.

I go, "I'm good!How you doing?!"

But he didn't get it.

He kept going for it.He kept going for it.

He was, like, "I'm really good,

so, you know,can I buy you a drink?"

"No! I'm all right,I'm all right, I'm all right!"

"Are you here with anyone?"

"Yeah! I'm here with my lesbianhomosexual lesbian lesbo

lezzie, lezzie, lezzie...l-l-l-l-lesbo wife."

He kept going.You know what he said to me?

"Can I call you?"

Can I call you?

So I (bleep) him.So anyway...

I'm not made of stone!I have needs, too!

It was, like, two minutes.

It was great.

Anyway, you guys.

I love being in a relationship.I love it.

I think oppositestotally attract.

Opposites totally attract.

She's so smart, my lady.She's so smart.

I love the smart girlswith your glasses.

Ooh! She's in graduate school!

So I come homeand she's reading!

A book!

And she's so cute.

And she wants to talkabout what she's doing

in her graduate things.

And she wants to talk abouther international affairs.

She says, "Julie, I'm readingthis amazing book.

"You won't even believe what'shappening in the world today.

"It's just crazy.

"The international globalizationof the Third World,

"economical development ofthe ozone layer falling apart,

"and the triangulationof the copulation

"of the Third EthiopianSudan migrant workers,

and the peanut farmers..."

(speaking gibberish)

I'm, like, "I like chips."

I'm 21, though, so I can getinto clubs and bars and stuff,

which is great, 'cause you everjust been by a place

and been, like, "Man, if I wentin there I know I'd get laid"?

I get that feelingall the time...

'cause I live near a prison.

Not going to getvery political up here.

I'm not going to make funof President Bush.

I'm tired of people doing that.

They make him out to sound likehe's worse than he really is.

They make Bush outto sound like he's Hitler.

And people have to rememberthat there's a big difference

between Bush and Hitler.

Hitler wrote a book.

(applause and laughter)

I'm, uh, I'm very apatheticby nature.

I don't really care about stuff.

People tell methat's a bad thing.

I think it's a great thing,

and I think that more peopleshould be that way.

That's why I'm currently writinga children's book.

It's called The Little Engine That Said (bleep) It.

I hate to give awaythe ending, but...

"Hey, look at that hill!

"I'd better get up there.

"I think I can. I think I can.I think I can.

You know what? (bleep) it."

Been in New York for the betterpart of a week.

The other day I raninto this guy on the street,

and I hadn't seen himin like seven years.

So when I saw him,I couldn't remember his name.

I was, like, "Oh, dude,

I haven't see you in, like,seven years.

Are you Steve?"

He was, like, "No,but you were close.

It's Walt."

That's not close.

What I want to know is whatcould I have possibly said

to this guy that he would havebeen like, "No, you're way off."

Would I have had to have gonelike,

"Oh, dude, I haven't see you in,like, seven years.

Are you a chair?"

That dude, Walt, he never reallymade anything out of himself.

He dropped out of collegeafter one year,

and he was recently firedfrom Burger King.

It's just kind of weird

'cause I rememberwhen I was a kid

I was playing video gamesat his house.

And his dad just stormedinto the room and he was, like,

"You're lazy and you're nevergoing to amount to anything!"

It just kind of weird'cause I grew up this whole time

just assuming that his dadwas a dick.

As it turned out,he was a psychic.

Who could have guessed, really?

of mine, and he's adopted.

He's always been really insecureabout it.

A lot of people that are adoptedare insecure

'cause they feel likethey weren't wanted.

But that's crap, you know,because a lot of people

are complete accidents.

They're only here becauseof alcohol and prom night

and possibly Oasis.

But if you were adopted,

you were definitely wanted,you know?

You never hear about two peoplewaking up

after a hard night of partyingand they go, "Oh, man,

what'd we do last night?"

"I don't know.

I think we adopted a baby."

I hate when people abbreviatethings that don't need

to be abbreviated.

Like, I'm in collegeand my friend told me

that his roommate was an "emo,"

which just meansyou're an emotional guy.

But I didn't know whatan emo was, so I just assumed

it was some kindof mental deficiency.

So when I met the kid,I was talking real slow,

which is like,"Oh, how are you?

"Do you like it here?Oh, that's great."

And finally, he's, like,"Why are you talking like that?

That is the most awkward thingI've ever said to anybody,

which is, "Oh, my God.I am so sorry.

I thought you were retarded."

And there are a bunch of sayingsthat annoy me,

like "old-fashioned."

'Cause it's always used forsomething positive, you know?

It's always, like, "Call meold-fashioned,

"but I don't thinkthat tomato soup should have

artificial preservatives in it."

It's never used for somethingnegative like,

"Call me old-fashioned,but women shouldn't vote."

I was terrible in high school.

I used to get Cliff Noteson tape.

I remember this one timein high school I was taking

and English classand the teacher was like,

"Boulger, give me an exampleof a rhetorical question."

And I was, like, "Why don't yougo (bleep) yourself?"

And she was, like, "You littlepunk, get out of here."

And I was, like,"You're not supposed to respond

to a rhetorical questions."

I am from Boca Raton, Florida


Does anybody know wherethat poop stain on the map is?

Whoo! Maybe my friendsfrom high school perhaps.

We get a crapload of hurricanes,right?

In Florida, right?

A crapload of hurricanes,

but no one ever preparesfor these hurricanes

'cause they'realways giving them

these sissy-ass names, right?

It's always like, "Coming inJuly, Hurricane Bertha.

"She's gonna come overyour house

"and make you some flapjacks.

"Borrow a pinch of sugar,

"put onan old Kenny Loggins record

and (bleep) your butt cheeks."

I think what they ought to do

is give hurricanes bad-assnames, right?

Like, scare some people.

Like, "Coming in July,Hurricane Thor!"

Or like the weathermanshould just bust on the screen

and be, like,"Coming in September,

"Hurricane Destructicon!

(blowing air)

"It's gonna be raining batsand blood!

You're all screwed!"

The map behind him disappears,a Black Sabbath video pops up...

(mimicking heavy guitar licks)

He picks up, like, a severedgoat's head off the floor,

he starts eating the fleshout of its face.

He's, like, (grunting loudly)

He starts speaking in tongues.

He's, klaatu barada nikto(yelling gibberish)

Blood's pouringout of his eyes!

Okay, enough, enough.Enough.

What's this Puerto Rican kidtalking about?

Um, my dadis actually from Haiti.

My dad is Haitian, and my momis from the Upper West Side.

Who'd have thunk, a Jew...?

And, uh, they made a littlebwam-chika-bam-bam.

♪ Mom had jungle fever

♪ Mom had jungle fever!

So, ba... so, basically,that is why

I look like Erniefrom Sesame Street.


This microphone smells likecomics' bad breath, by the way.

But it tastes like dreamsup here.

I was watching Pimp My Ride.

You guys like that show?

You know what I'm talking about, Pimp My Ride?

Yeah, you do.

Um, if you don't knowwhat the show is,

basically, they takea crappy car,

and they put TV screensall over it.

It's the premise of the show.

So my favorite, my favorite guyon pimp my ride is Big Dane,

because I feel like he's themost creative guy on the show.

Like, everybody else is, like,

"Oh, I'm just gonna putsome rims on it.

Or, "I'm just gonna paint somecrazy-ass flames on the side."

Big Dane comes out and he'slike, "All right, Jew,

"we know you like to eatin your car,

"so in the back of your truck

"we put a industrialmeat grinder!"

"All right, Kevin, we knowyou like Michael Jackson.

"In the back of your Carollawe put a hyperbolic chamber!

"That's where that freaksleeps!"

"All right, Stacey, we knowyou like history.

"We know you'rea big World War II buff.

"In the back of your truck,we put a concentration camp!

"Actually, it's just a fogmachine and some barbed wire."


The budget for the show'srunning thin.

Had to get usedto a couple things.

First of all, cops on horseback?

Is that Bizarro Worldto anybody else.

Cops on horses...what's going on?

Is there a lot of illegaljousting going on in the city

that we don't know about?

And I think what the scientistsought to do is combine the two.

Like combine the horseand the cop

and just make cop centaurs.

Just an evil breed of half-man,half-horse cop.

They could be flying all overthe city like it's Fantasia.


Imagine getting pulled overby a centaur cop.

He comes galloping upto your car.

It's like...

(imitates horse galloping)


(deep voice):"Excuse me, miss.

Do you realize how fastyou were going?"

"No, sorry, Officer.

How fast was I going?"


"I have no goddamn idea."


I'm a (bleep) mutant.


Do you have any sugar cubesI can suck on?

They're delicious.

Today, I get a call frommy credit card company.

Like, "Sir, we just tracked

"some really unusual activityon you account.

Did you make a payment?"


Then I said in French, "No."

Segue-- you know my buddy Ramon?

He's not very educated.

No. He went to DeVry.

Class of February.

Tomorrow's a big day.

It's their 12-day reunion.

Segue-- you know, yesterday,a voice popped into my head

and said, "KillJustin Timberlake."

But then the voiceof reason said,

"Yeah, don't forget."

Segue-- you know, uh...

My leg hurts so bad.

I should stop kickingso much ass.

May focus on taking names,you know?


You know what I can't stand?

I hate it when a person

who's referringto an illiterate person--

They say,"Oh, he can't read or write."


Is there someone who can write,but can't read?

Oh, Raul can writelike Shakespeare...

but he can't readhis own work.

Ah, the irocany.

A couple of days agoI'm watching this guy

through the scopeof my rifle, right?


Stand still, Timberlake.

That's called a call-back.


You know, uh...

I went to a police auctionrecently.

Very depressing.

Going there and biddingon my old (bleep).

Ain't cool at all.

Transition-- you know...

I was at home--the ladies' getaway.

There's a knock at my door.

I'm like, who the hellcan it be at 2:00 p.m.?

I shrug in the, "I don't know."

So I put the pipe down,put the pants back on...

...and I go and open the door.

There's this guy there,he kind of looks like me.

A little shorter, thicker, blondhair and no glasses, right?

He starts telling me, "Sir, Ijust moved into your community,

"and I hate to tell ya,but I'm a sexual offender."

And I'm like, "Hell, yeah,"'cause that makes two of us.

He's like, "Really?"

"I'm like,"No, you sick (bleep).

I'm not registered."

At least not in the U.S.

I had phone sex recently.

She knew we were having it;it wasn't anything creepy.

Wasn't a telemarketeror anything.

This is what I noticed, man.

When a woman has an orgasm,

that's a natural,beautiful thing.

Natural and beautiful likea sunrise, waterfall,

rainbow, you know?

Something that just naturallymakes you stop

and you're like, "Ah."

You just can't takeyour eyes off it.

But when you can only hearthem on the phone,

it's a little funny.

Woman has an orgasm, sounds like

she's, like, running upten flights of stairs, you know.

Like she's on the first floor,like... (soft moans)

(moaning grows louder)

"Keep going, keep going,keep going,

keep going, keep going."

Oh! Oh!

Almost there! Oh!

Then when I have an orgasm,

it sounds like I'm fallingdown the stairs.

Uh! Uh! Uh!

My leg... time out.

Uh! Uh! Uh!

I'll call you back.


Anyway, I, uh...

I farted on an elevatorrecently,

and I'm really... I'm notembarrassed talking about it.

I'm not.

Everybody farts.

Everybody in this room farts.

Somebody is fartingin here right now.


What's the big deal?Why can't we talk about it?

Women fart, right?Women fart.

I think, just... they don'tlike to admit it.

I think they hold it insidetill they get home.

And they stand out in the yardat like 3:00 a.m. just going,

(sustained tone)

And all the grassaround them dies.

There's nothing to sayafter you fart.

Did you ever notice that?

There's no post-fartingslogan in our society.

You burp right, and you go"Excuse me."

Fart-- nothing at all, man.

"Excuse me" doesn't seemto (bleep) cover it, you know.

Don't you think we shouldhave something by now?

Like, "May God have mercyon us all."

(laughter and applause)

Hey, all right.

Bring religion into it.

Most people camouflage them,that's what most people do.

That's when you're hanging outwith your friend, right,

and you're about to, you know,

so you just try to talk over it,right?

(loudly):Hey! Ah! Ah!

♪ Shabba-dabba, da-dot-da.

Ah! Ah!

I got an idea,let's go see a movie...

(fart sound)(shouting):Movie!

we talked about orgasms.

My favorite noiseto come out of a human being

is a sneeze.

That's funnier than a fartand an orgasm shoved together.

Which I think would kill you--don't you think so?

If you were having sex,you're like... (farting)

I think just blood wouldcome out of your head

like a ketchup packet.

Anyway,sneezing is interesting, man,

'cause sneeze is the onlything that happens to everybody

that completely screws us upwhen it happens.

It always scaresthe hell out of you.

Even if you'renot the guy sneezing,

doesn't it always surprise you?

Always comes out of the blue.

Like... (sneezes).

What the hell was that man?

I sat next to this old ladyon the bus.

She sneezed 45 minutes.

It's a long time, man,45 minutes.

To be scaredover and over again.

There's a line between,"Gesundheit"

and "Shut the (bleep) up,old lady."


(continues sneezing)

Oh, my God...




Somebody shoot me, please!

Ever happen to you?

You ever sneeze like nine timesin a row

and you think you're goingto crap your pants or something?

Like... (sneezing)


(sneezing and farting)

Oh, help me, somebody help!Help!

That always happens to mewhen I'm driving.

Which is not when you wantto sneeze, man.

You don't want to sneezewhen you're driving.

You don't want your heartto stop

and your eyes to closesix times in a row.

Like, (sneezing).

Oh, (bleep)!

I'm like four lanes over.

What happened?


So people hold theminside, you know.

Some people keep themin here, just...


Like, "All right, man,are these your eyes?"

My dad sounds like he's gettingkilled with an axe or something.

Like, (yells).

What happened?

Dog runs under the tableterrified.

TV changes channels.

(chuckles)Let's out family secrets, like,

(sneezes)I'm gay.