Tracy Morgan: One Mic

  • Season 1, Ep 101
  • 08/26/2002

Tracy Morgan shares some dirty fantasies and a soulful song about freeloaders.

Marriageain't easy, man.

If you married, it ain't easy.

Marriage is not easy, man.

You got to release, man.

Me and my wifego at it all the time.

Me and my wife fight.

We throw down. That's healthy.

I ain't say "violence."

That's healthy.

Fighting is healthy.

All I'm doinggetting it off the chest.

You know what I'm saying?

You ever seen couples,always happy, never arguing?

Be together 30 yearsuntil one day

she just stabthe dude in the chest.

( laughter )

Let that out.

It ain't easy.


your ego's bruised, man.

That's why we watch porno, man.

You got to let usget away with something.

Some ladies don't want their manto get away with nothing.

I've got to, I've got to getaway with something.

I got to look, man.

You ever be in a cardriving with your girl

and you can justfeel her beaming you?

She's not lookingdirectly at you

'cause she ain'tgoing to play herself

but she lookingover here like this...

She see that womanwith the tight pants

crossing across the streetin front of the car.

If you want to peekat something-- look.

Don't-don't turn. Just look.

Just be like this...

Act like you lookingthrough you mirror.

"That's Cliff and themover there."

It ain't easy.

I got to get awaywith something.

I got to look at my pornoevery now and then.

I'm not a horsewith blinders and all that.

I got to see something else.

Porno, man.

It be, it be intense too.

We masturbate, boy. Right?

That's a whole process too.

You go get that new tape.

You go getthat new tape.

Can't wait.

Can't wait for her to leaveto go do the laundry.

You plant that seedright in her head.

"Dang, I ain't gotno white clothes in here?"

"Why don't you domy laundry, man?"

Got to start a argument.

That justifiesthis other woman on this tape.

It's justification.

You need justificationto touch yourself.

You're 38 years old--you still need justification.

You pay the bills.

You bought that TV and that VHS

but you still-- that's respect.

You know, so she be like,"I'm going to do the laundry."

"Yeah, take the kids out withyou, man-- it's nice outside.

Let 'em get some air."

She go, "All right, we leaving."

"All right, baby. I love you.

See you when you get back."

You hear that door clo--

the-the six locks.

( scatting )

You go right to the room.

"Yeah, I got my joint."

Put that tape in.

You know, we-we-- our men thing

we get ass-nakedlike there's really

a female in the bed with us.

Everything right,get everything right.

Make sure everything is right.

Fix your remote control,the-the color, the tracking.

Do the trackingand everything...

You do, like, 10 pushupsto get some veins popping out.

Got to closethese venetian blinds.

Homeboy across the street

keep looking in here.

I'm going murder someone, watch.

Got the remote controlson the pillow.

Press play. Pop.

Start masturbating.

You start mumblingunder your breath

"I'm gonna...I'm gonna bang the..."

( mumbling )

( laughter and scattered applause )

Then the lesbian part come on,so you fast forward.

You be like, "( bleep )that coochie on your own time."

Then you ( bleep )on yourself, right?

And wipe it offwith a dirty sock, you know.

Now you got crumbs and cat hairstuck to your stomach.

But you don't stop.

You just take a time outand go by the window

and smoke a cigarette naked.

Hip-hop got these young peoplebrainwashed.

A lot of it is good music,but a lot of it brainwash.

You know, you got people walkin''round here--

everybody's a thug nowwith that look-- Supreme look.

My man's look.

Every time you see a magazinecover, each rapper's like this.

Because that game now,if you smile, you get beat up.

You don't see no rapperslike that.

Even now, they wearthe Band-Aid.

Gotta Band-Aid, dog.


Smile. I want to seea rapper like this.

That's a young man's game, man.

They gettin' youngerand younger.

Romeo... these kids are, like,11... goin' multi-platinum.

I'm tellin' you,you gonna hear about a baby

in one of them nurseries,brand-new born

with a black pimp on like this.

( laughter )


Waah!I need some milk, man.


Ma, let me suckyour titty, man.


Yo, when one y'allgonna circumcise me, man?

I gotta get out of here, man.

Get to the studio, man.

I gotta be at the studioat 3:00, man.

Who there? Who is it?

Yeah, I was just born, man.

About 5:30.

Yeah, getting readyto circumcise me--

Ho, ho, ho,wait a-- wait a minute.

Yeah. All right, I'll be there.

All right. Peace.

in this world, man.

You ever be having bags runningto the elevator--

"Hold it! Hold it!"

I'm telling you, that personin the elevator be like this:

"Door close. Door close.Door close. Door close."

And you get right thereand put your arm in

they be, like, "Sorry. Sorry.""You know you--

I tell them-- "You know youdidn't want me in here, man.

"You saw me comingdown the hall, yo.

I seen you get on the elevator."

Somebody miss that--that train door

and then they just look at youas the train...

( imitates train running )

One day, they're goingto surprise you

and be at the next stoplike this.

"See, now I got to cut you.

( laughter )

"Come on. Come on.

Come on with it."

That's how old dudes fight.

They always got that knife--

"Come on with it, brother.

"Come on with it, brother.

Come on with it, brother."

I seen my grandfather haveto fight in the parking lot.

After old dudes fight

there's always changeall over the floor.

"Come on with it, brother.Come on with it, brother."