Tracy Morgan: One Mic

  • Season 1, Ep 101
  • 08/26/2002

Tracy Morgan shares his appreciation for the profiling process at airports, describes his strange experience skiing in Utah and reveals the secret to a happy marriage.

All this love.

I can't take it.

I'm overwhelmed.

This is fun to me.

This is what I do.You know, I'm glad...

I don't want to do nothing elsein life.

But my man's gonna keep puttingpressure on me.

"Yo, you better be funny."

( laughter )

"I'm telling you, man."

They mean well.

They just don't knowhow to express it.

"Telling you,this New York, Cuz.

You better be funny."

( laughter )

It's like when I got Saturday Night Live

I told my boy, Supreme, "Yo,I got Saturday Night Live!"

He said, "What? We made it!"

( laughter )

"We made it!"

I'm, like, "We?!"

"Ma! Ma! Yo, we made it!

"We got Saturday Night Live!

"Saturday Night!


We made it!"

Yo, Tre, my mom saidpick her up a couch.

( laughter )

Couldn't invite everybody here.

Everybody in the projects,"You know, could we come?"

I don't invite peopleto the show

no more, 'cause you invite them

and then they want to invitetheir friends

and their friendsinvite their friends.

And before you know it,you got an entourage--

60 people you don't even know,you never even met.

You know what I'm saying?

And they come downto Saturday Night Live

and they just come and sitat the table at the parties

and order all these drinksand all this food.

And my bill is $1,800.

I only had four Heinekens.

( laughter )

And, you know, my wife--she good with money.

"Yeah, well,how'd this happen?"

"That's my man and them."

( laughter )

Your womandon't want to hear that.

"Spend the money,but spend it on us

"so we could see where it's at.

Don't tell me about your...your man and them."

So, I had to go backto my man and them

"Yo, come on, Supreme,y'all can't be coming down.

"Hey, listen this is my job.

"Man, I know it's entertainment."But it's still my job.

"You can't be coming down here

bringing all these people downto my job scaring white people."

( laughter )

Some black peoplethink it's their job.

It's their jobto scare white people.

I'm a comedian.You can't do that.

They gonna fire me.

My man and them.



Don't come down here no more.

I don't just come to your jobwith 40 ounces

and blunts and stuff.

I don't just be bringing--showing up at your job.

This is my job.You can't come to my job.

Do I come to your job like that?

Supreme looked at me, said,"What mother ( bleep ) job?"

( laughter )

"This is our job!Coming to see you!

'Cause we made it."

( laughter )

"You changed, kid, you changed."

"I remember you livedon the seventh floor

"next to the incinerator.You changed.

"You changed, son, you changed.

"You know what I'm saying?We all support here.

"We all support.We all grew up together.

"We all grew up together.

"You got--Look at the support you got

"sitting at this tablearound you, man.

"You got 75 years worthof penitentiary time

sitting right here."

( laughter )

Dudes start standing up.

"Derrick, seven to 15-- murder."

"Mack, rape--three and a half to five."

( laughter )

"Clifford, manslaughter--25 years to life.

But I didn't do it."

( laughter )

How you get out?

And why you at Saturday Night Live?

And who told you aboutComedy Central?

Look at the train,had the smoke.

Imagine if you got off the trainevery morning

with smoke and stuff.

( laughing )

Get off that train.

Rats and garbage and stuff.

We be hornyin the morning, right?

Getting on that train.

Brothers be fightingfor that door spot.

Get on the train.

You fight for that door spot,especially when it's crowded.

Just want to get that nice,voluptuous woman

to lean up on you.

( laughter )

( applause )

Penis be way over here,you know.

You can see dudeshaving orgasm.

( laughter )

Some of them ladiesbe liking it, too.

They be havingtheir little purse leaning...

( laughter )

( laughter )

I just... I can't...I can't just ex...

I hosted the Olympics.

NBC sent me out thereto Utah, Salt Lake City.

I hosted the...( applause )

When they gave me the call...right?

When they gave me the call,I was, like:

"I think you gotthe wrong number.

Brothers and sisters, we don'tmess with the Winter Games."

We don't... that cold weather,ice and snow.

We don't deal with that.

There was none of thatin Africa.

( laughter )

Ain't nobody havingsnowball fights in Africa.

( speaks mock tribal language )

( laughter )

I went out there, man.

And there was no black peoplein Utah.

Not... None!No black people.

I got off the plane."Where are all the black...?"

( laughter )

Me, my wife and my three kids,we made up like 85 percent

of the black populationout there, man.

( laughter )

Utah was crazy.Crazy, man.

They had us all up in a... inthe mountains, in a ski resort

and it was great, 'cause in themorning, you opened up the...

you open up the... the tr...

See the mountains

white people coming downthe slopes.

( shushing )

( laughter )

( shushing )

They do stuff like that.

"Great exercise, man!

This is great exercise."

Nah... That ain't no...That ain't no sport.

Skiing ain't no sport.

It don't take nothingto put some skis on

and do down the slope80 miles per hour.

I want to see your assgo up the hill.

( laughter )

I seen all this,I got excited.

"Well, let's go, let's goskiing. Let's go skiing."

"I ain't."You know, black... sisters

"I ain't going skiing.

I ain't going no skiing."

( laughter )

"Well, let's... look atthe mountain, look at the slope.

She said, "No, that looklike death."

( laughter )

"And I'm just not readyto face death."

White people got to bungee jumpand ski and all of that stuff.

You know, we face death livingin the hood all the time.

I don't have to searchfor no adventure

and seek adventure and stuff.

I'm black.

Just me trying to pay my billsis an adventure.

( cheering and whistling )

Hey, uh, white, they got seekthrills and stuff.

We want to find new waysto prevent shark attack.

Always jumpingin the water

trying to swim with sharksand stuff.

They have this new suitthat's going to prevent-- Nah!

"We want to find new waysto prevent shark attack."

Leave 'em alone!

( laughter and applause )

Leave 'em alone!

Get your assout of the water, man.

"Move over, get out the water,Jeff!"

"Come on, the water's great!

There's a Great White comingover here, come on!"

Get out of the water,leave 'em alone, dog!

Leave 'em alone.

If He wanted us in the sea

He would've gave us gillsand fins and stuff.

( laughter )

Use it.

I'm telling you, man,I went up on the slope.

My wife,she down there looking at me.

I got this. I clip the skis on--Clap, clap!

Have my goggles. Everything.

The gear, the whole gear:helmet, snowsuit

gloves, everything.

I was ready.I went down, right?

Like, halfway down,I just... I had a garage sale.

( laughter )

There was a ski over there.

Goggles up in the tree.

There was a gloveall the way down there.

They had to closethe mountain down.

"Get him up.We gotta get him out of there."

Hell, the choppers came in.

I'm walking through the airportwith a neck brace on.

My wife got this lookin her face like:

"That's good for your ass.

"Trying to be likethe white folk.

"You know we don't ski.

"Kunta Kinte never skied.

Chicken George and themdid not ski."

because, you know

what happened-- had justhappened and it's just...

everybody's profiled now.

That's right.Shake 'em all down.

Everybody get shook down.

And it amused me to seeall white businessmen

angry as hell in the airport.

They couldn't believethat they...

You seen the guys withthe A-K's-- they kick your bag.

"Now, open this up, man.

"Go ahead and open it upfor 'em.

"You want to get shot?

Open the bag, man!"

White people's like,"This is preposterous!

"I can't believe this!

"Freakin', I can't believe this.

"I can't believe this.

"I really can't believe this.

"What is your name?

What's your badge name?"

That was amusing, man.

Me and my man, Supreme

we don't even betraveling nowhere.

We just go to the airportand watch.

Take the kids out of school

so they can geta real education.

That's how we used to be.

And we don't like that, boy.

We don't like...When we go to the airport

you ever see a brotherand sister face

when we go through the metaldetector and it go off?

We got that one look.

( laughter )

I watch everybodyon the plane.

That's what you get.

Don't worry about Bobby Brownand Whitney Houston.

Remember when Whitney got caughtwith that marijuana?

That was a ploy, because Bobbywas bringing two keys

at the other gate.

"Just check this over there.

"Check it over there.

"If they touch you,just run to the plane.

I'm gonna be over here."

That's right--profile everything.

Being in the airport,worrying about me

getting two bags of smokeon the plane.

"Check him!

"This is a five-hour flight.

He ain't got no luggage.Where he going?!"

( laughter and applause )

Marriageain't easy, man.

If you married, it ain't easy.

Marriage is not easy, man.

You got to release, man.

Me and my wifego at it all the time.

Me and my wife fight.

We throw down. That's healthy.

I ain't say "violence."

That's healthy.

Fighting is healthy.

All I'm doinggetting it off the chest.

You know what I'm saying?

You ever seen couples,always happy, never arguing?

Be together 30 yearsuntil one day

she just stabthe dude in the chest.

( laughter )

Let that out.

It ain't easy.


your ego's bruised, man.

That's why we watch porno, man.

You got to let usget away with something.

Some ladies don't want their manto get away with nothing.

I've got to, I've got to getaway with something.

I got to look, man.

You ever be in a cardriving with your girl

and you can justfeel her beaming you?

She's not lookingdirectly at you

'cause she ain'tgoing to play herself

but she lookingover here like this...

She see that womanwith the tight pants

crossing across the streetin front of the car.

If you want to peekat something-- look.

Don't-don't turn. Just look.

Just be like this...

Act like you lookingthrough you mirror.

"That's Cliff and themover there."

It ain't easy.

I got to get awaywith something.

I got to look at my pornoevery now and then.

I'm not a horsewith blinders and all that.

I got to see something else.

Porno, man.

It be, it be intense too.

We masturbate, boy. Right?

That's a whole process too.

You go get that new tape.

You go getthat new tape.

Can't wait.

Can't wait for her to leaveto go do the laundry.

You plant that seedright in her head.

"Dang, I ain't gotno white clothes in here?"

"Why don't you domy laundry, man?"

Got to start a argument.

That justifiesthis other woman on this tape.

It's justification.

You need justificationto touch yourself.

You're 38 years old--you still need justification.

You pay the bills.

You bought that TV and that VHS

but you still-- that's respect.

You know, so she be like,"I'm going to do the laundry."

"Yeah, take the kids out withyou, man-- it's nice outside.

Let 'em get some air."

She go, "All right, we leaving."

"All right, baby. I love you.

See you when you get back."

You hear that door clo--

the-the six locks.

( scatting )

You go right to the room.

"Yeah, I got my joint."

Put that tape in.

You know, we-we-- our men thing

we get ass-nakedlike there's really

a female in the bed with us.

Everything right,get everything right.

Make sure everything is right.

Fix your remote control,the-the color, the tracking.

Do the trackingand everything...

You do, like, 10 pushupsto get some veins popping out.

Got to closethese venetian blinds.

Homeboy across the street

keep looking in here.

I'm going murder someone, watch.

Got the remote controlson the pillow.

Press play. Pop.

Start masturbating.

You start mumblingunder your breath

"I'm gonna...I'm gonna bang the..."

( mumbling )

( laughter and scattered applause )

Then the lesbian part come on,so you fast forward.

You be like, "( bleep )that coochie on your own time."

Then you ( bleep )on yourself, right?

And wipe it offwith a dirty sock, you know.

Now you got crumbs and cat hairstuck to your stomach.

But you don't stop.

You just take a time outand go by the window

and smoke a cigarette naked.

I don't mean to sound sleazy...

but I don't want it.

It's marriage, man.

You got to reciprocate.

You got to put back inwhat you take out.

Especially the ladies, man

'cause sometimes y'all couldstart taking us for granted, too

and that's where the strip clubsand the porno come from

'cause somebody got to kiss itand make it better.

My ego's bruised.

The boss done kick me aroundfor nine hours.

I come home, you don't wantto bother with me no more.

I come to bed,you wearing dungaree shorts

with a long pullover shirt.

When I met you,it wasn't like that.

You used to walk around

with the thongs and stuff on.

Things have changed now.

You wrong. Reciprocate.

Give back.

It's the only way we canmake this marriage last.

You make love, I don't careabout you fake it.

Make some noise.

That's why we watch porno

'cause those womenare theatrical.

You want me

to hurry up and get off of you,then encourage me.

Encourage me.

Encourage me.

I need encouragement, too.

Make some noise.

Those women on those sets--I know they're pros

and getting $3,000 an hour

but they know exactly whatI want to hear when I'm there

'cause they be goingall out, right?

"Ah! Ah!


"I love it.

It's so huge."

And you bemasturbating intensely.

( laughter )

"Ahhh! Ahhh! Ahhh!"

And your wife be in the kitchenhearing all that nonsense.

"Sometimes I just hate him!

I know we all like to fantasizewith our ladies and stuff.

Some fantasiesare best left fantasies.

You know how you beenwith your lady for a long time.

You be like, "Whoa!"

Y'all be in the kitchen,she cooking.

Be like, "Whoa!

I ever told youwhat my fantasy is?"

Now, judging from the amountof porno tapes she got

she knows some sick stuff.

So she be like, "What, Ricky?

What's your fantasy?"

"I'm-- I'm saying-- why yougotta say it like that?

"Why you gotta say it like that?

I'm just saying, though.You know, what I'm saying?"

You never get to the point.

You know,I'm just saying, you know.

"I'm just saying.

Man, you ain't gottasay it like that."

And she done bruised your ego.

You wanted to share somethingwith her

and she-- you see her attitude,so you get mad.

"I'm saying, you ain't haveto go-- you come at it.

"You don't have to say itlike that.

It's my fantasy, man."

"What's your fantasy?"

"I'm cookin'-- I've got thismacaroni-- I'm cookin'."

"What's your fantasy?I want to hear it.

"I'm sayin', you alwaysfantasize about me and you

and another female."

Female, you know.

Get technicaland you say "female."

( laughing )

If you're lucky, she's that oneof the women that she love you.

She trusts you.

"Yeah, I'll-- I'll try.Yeah, I love you.

"Yeah, I trust you.I'd try anything with you once.

You can even pick outthe woman."

So you go get a fine woman,you know what I'm sayin'?

Bring her back to the crib.

Comes straightfrom the strip club.

You ain't gonna find themon the street

or in the supermarketor anything.

And you gave her like $200

and she wants $50 more aftershe-- before she leave.

So you bring her to the crib...

"Oh, hold on, there's my wife."

Open the door. "Boo! Boo!

"Come here!

"Hold on a second;she in the toilet?

"She on the toilet. Hold up.

"Boo, this is Bankrupt.

"Bankrupt, this is my wife.

"Let's go in the room.Let's go in the room.

Let's go in the room.Let's go in the room."

Y'all go in the room.Y'all get busy.

Y'all get busy.

They just cold neglect you.

( laughing )

You're only necessaryas long as you're useful.

When you're not useful,you're no longer necessary.

So they-- you knowwhat I'm sayin'?

It's all good.Y'all have a good time.

Two weeks later,y'all be in the kitchen

she be, like, "Ricky...

have I told youwhat my fantasy is?"

You know men.

We psychologically-- we can'treally deal with that, you know?

So you get mad.

You be like,"What you mean 'fantasy?'

"You be fantasizing and stuff?

"What you be fantasizing about?

"I already got a job.

"What you befantasizing about, man?

"What's your fantasy about, man?

What's your fantasyabout, man?"

You thinkin' she gonna sayshe want to see Bankrupt again.

She be, like,"Now, what you getting--

"why do you gotta getan attitude and stuff?

"I was just talkin' to Barbaraand I just said

I always wanted me,you and another man."

So you gotta give it back,'cause she looked out.

So you be like, "All right,you can go pick out the dude."

But, you know,women gotta go all out.

They'll all go get some dude

named DominiqueMandingo Jackson.

This dude's packageis so big he carry--

he pull it in a wheelbarrow.

When he travel, he put it upin the overhead compartment.

"Sir! Sir, you gonna have to--you gonna have to check that."

Veins and everything, you know?

Got them veins in there,you know?

Tear your wife apart.

Pow. Pow. Pow.

You can't believe this.

She's never performedlike this with you.

You become discouraged.

These two grown folks on thebed, feet touchin' and stuff.

You just be, like, you know...

"I'm gonna be over here inthe other room with the kids.

I'm gonna play some PlayStationand stuff with them."

( laughter and applause )

Your mom's gonna hold backon some of them whuppin's

'cause she carried younine months.

She gonna show a little mercy.

But your pops come home;he's tired, too...

workin' construction.

He got-- he always gotjust enough strength

to whup your ass.

( laughter and applause )

I ain't nevergot a beatin' easy.

It wasn't like thatwith me-- I ran.

I know, in the last life--I was a slave, I ran.

Master ain't gettin' me.

I know I was supposed to pickmore cotton than this

but my hand hurt.

Whup who? Who? Who? Who?

Who? Who? Who?

Who? Who? Who? Who? Who?

Oh, yeah, now what?Now what? Now what?

Now... what's that?Now what? Now what? Now what?


Y'all just gonna stand therein the field?

Y'all ain't gonna help me?

Y'all not go...?"

That's why I like Roots.

Roots was the bomb.

Remember Chicken Georgewas the bomb.

Remember at the end,when they finally was leavin'

and they strung that white dudeup on a tree?

And Chicken Georgemade it clear.

He said, "If you ever messwith me or my family

I'll kill you."

Black people was home goin',"Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!"

Went to work the next day likethis: "I ain't doin' nothin'."

The boss be, like, "You fired."

"Oh, I got it."

( applause and laughter )

They lose their paycheck.

Hip-hop got these young peoplebrainwashed.

A lot of it is good music,but a lot of it brainwash.

You know, you got people walkin''round here--

everybody's a thug nowwith that look-- Supreme look.

My man's look.

Every time you see a magazinecover, each rapper's like this.

Because that game now,if you smile, you get beat up.

You don't see no rapperslike that.

Even now, they wearthe Band-Aid.

Gotta Band-Aid, dog.


Smile. I want to seea rapper like this.

That's a young man's game, man.

They gettin' youngerand younger.

Romeo... these kids are, like,11... goin' multi-platinum.

I'm tellin' you,you gonna hear about a baby

in one of them nurseries,brand-new born

with a black pimp on like this.

( laughter )


Waah!I need some milk, man.


Ma, let me suckyour titty, man.


Yo, when one y'allgonna circumcise me, man?

I gotta get out of here, man.

Get to the studio, man.

I gotta be at the studioat 3:00, man.

Who there? Who is it?

Yeah, I was just born, man.

About 5:30.

Yeah, getting readyto circumcise me--

Ho, ho, ho,wait a-- wait a minute.

Yeah. All right, I'll be there.

All right. Peace.

You know?

I like that.

Ladies, leave them breastimplants alone.

I'm-- I can't tell you whatto do with your body.

If it makes you feel betteror whatever, cool

but, you know, be thankfulfor what you got

even if you justgot nipples, man.

( laughter )

Leave it alone, man.

Even if you gotmosquito bites, man.

Leave it alone.

Don't be puttingthat alien stuff in your body.

It's artificial.

I'm telling you, I was...

I used to deal with this chick

that had them implants.

Every time I was with her, man

I felt like I was at aTupperware party, man.

They call those "boobs."

That's a new politically correctword for "titty."

It's "titty"!

Ain't nothin' more sexy

than when a woman says,"Suck my titty."

It ain't "suck my boob."

( laughter )

You just blew my whole highand everything, man.

What's a boob, man?

To me, a boob is likea retarded kid, you know.

What's a boob, yo?

in this world, man.

You ever be having bags runningto the elevator--

"Hold it! Hold it!"

I'm telling you, that personin the elevator be like this:

"Door close. Door close.Door close. Door close."

And you get right thereand put your arm in

they be, like, "Sorry. Sorry.""You know you--

I tell them-- "You know youdidn't want me in here, man.

"You saw me comingdown the hall, yo.

I seen you get on the elevator."

Somebody miss that--that train door

and then they just look at youas the train...

( imitates train running )

One day, they're goingto surprise you

and be at the next stoplike this.

"See, now I got to cut you.

( laughter )

"Come on. Come on.

Come on with it."

That's how old dudes fight.

They always got that knife--

"Come on with it, brother.

"Come on with it, brother.

Come on with it, brother."

I seen my grandfather haveto fight in the parking lot.

After old dudes fight

there's always changeall over the floor.

"Come on with it, brother.Come on with it, brother."

I don't want you all to justthink I'm some perverted...

I know what love is.

You never know what love isuntil you lose it.

We've all been stuck in love.

Can't eat, can't sleep.

She break up with you--you under her window.

"Boo!" 3:00 in the morning.

"Boo! Boo!"

She come to the widowin her nightgown

and won't even open the window.

She just be lookingat you like this.

Looking at you like you stupid.

You're under the windowcrying like this, pacing.

"I'm tellin' you, man.I love you, man.

"Just one more chance, baby.

"One more chance.

"Open the window.

"Open the window for once.

How you doing, Ms. Baylor?How you doin'?"

( whispering )

( scattered laughter )

Try to walk away sad.

( applause )

Soon as youget down the block

you got to throwyour bop on, though.

Everybody on the porch in frontof the building--

you can't let them see you soft.

No consideration, man.

I know I had this female, man.


I was dealing with herin Brooklyn, man

and I was young-- I was dumb.

She loved me, man.

I knew she loved me 'causeshe had... she cooked me--

beef and broccoli-- she cookedme beef and broccoli

and Rice-A-Roni.

( laughter )

That was the San Franciscotreat, you know what I'm sayin'?

Right there in Brooklyn.

I had it. I had a good one.

I let her get away.

That was the one got away,and I lost it, man.

'Cause I... she got shotin the neck, right?

( laughter )

Jealousy goingget y'all nowhere, man.

( laughter )

And I was with her throughthe whole hospital thing.

The whole rehabilitation--everything.

'Cause she had to get oneof them trigonometry joints.

( with distorted voice ):And would sound like this.

She had to get one of these,you know what I'm saying?

It was cool, you know?

It was cool for awhile,'cause I'm a freak.

We used to be making loveand she'd be like:

( distorted voice ):"Oh, Tracy, I love you.

"Oh, I love you, Tracy.

"Oh, give it to me.

"Oh, Tracy,put it in my butt.

I want to try somethingdifferent."

( laughter )

You know?


"Oh, ( bleep ).

"Ah! Ah!

Right there! Right there!Right there!"

( erotic moaning )

"Ah! Ah!"

( laughter and applause )

There's a lot of triflingbrothers out there, man.

I mean...

Even Erykah Badu, couple yearsago, made a song about it

you know, trifling brothers,called "Tyrone," right?

And, like, three daysafter she made that song

like, every trifling dudegot kicked out of his apartment.

And we've neverrecuperated from that.

So, I, you know...

There's been some triflingsisters out here, too

so I want to dedicate a song

to all the trifling sistersout here.

Now you know who you are.

It's called "Simone."

( laughing )

But, before I start this song

I got to bring outmy backup singers.

Please give it upfor the Three Bearded Dudes.

( laughing and applauding )

Low Cash, No Cash,and Trify Trife.

And now, keep in mind

I'm a comedian, and I'm seriousabout my ( bleep ).


( slow soul music begins )

( laughter and cheering )

( laughter )

♪ I'm gettingtired of your ... ♪

♪ You don'tnever cook me nothing ♪

♪ And every timewe go somewhere ♪

♪ You've gotta bring Tina,Tammy, Paula, and Simone ♪

( laughter )

♪ See, why can'twe eat by ourselves sometime? ♪

♪ I've been having this mealon my mind for a long time ♪

♪ I just want it to bechicken and some greens ♪

♪ With some cornbread,please, baby ♪

♪ But you can't even cook that ♪

♪ So, matter of fact,better call Simone ♪

♪ Call her ♪

( laughter )

♪ And tell her, "Come on,help you cook some ..." ♪

♪ I think you bettercall Simone ♪

♪ Call her ♪

♪ 'Cause your asscan't even cook grits ♪

♪ See, every time I ask youfor a little ass ♪

♪ You turn right aroundand ask me for some cash ♪

♪ Oh, but listen, partner,I ain't no ATM ♪

( laughter )

♪ 'Cause the Trace Mankeeps you coming for real ♪

♪ Mm, you know the deal ♪

♪ And every timewe go somewhere ♪

♪ I gotta reach downin my slacks ♪

♪ And pay your way,and your home girl's way ♪

♪ And sometime'syour baby daddy's way ♪

♪ He don't never have to pay ♪

♪ Don't have no car... ♪

Don't even come around andget these two nappy-head kids.

Know what I'm saying?

You can have my stuff.

I ain't even on your lease.

You know what I thinkyou'd better do, girl?

♪ I thinkyou better call Simone ♪

♪ Call her ♪

♪ And tell her come on,help you fix some ... ♪

♪ I thinkyou better call Simone ♪

♪ Call her ♪

Hold, hold, hold,you know what?

♪ But they cut off your phone. ♪

( laughter )