Joan of Arf

  • Season 2, Ep 2
  • 10/10/2007

When Sarah gets caught tasting her dog's butt, the authorities take Doug away from her, sending her on an odyssey of self-doubt.

TO LICK A DOG'S BOTTOM,

A CATEGORICAL ACTOF BESTIALITY,

WHAT'S NEXT?

GAY MARRIAGE?

I ASSURE YOU, EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU,

I WILL NEVER DO THIS AGAIN.

I MEAN, IF YOUWANNA CURE PEOPLE

OF WANTINGTO LICK DOG'S ASSES,

LET THEM LICKDOG'S ASSES.

HEY, YOU GOT ANY GUM?

YOU MEAN FOR SARAH?

I'M NOT A MONSTER.I'M JUST A CURIOUS ECCENTRIC.

LIKE, UH, ALBERT EINSTEIN

OR SIGMUND FREUDOR CHARLES WOOLERY.

MISS SILVERMAN,THE ONLY MIND CREATIVE ENOUGH

TO FIND A LINKBETWEEN YOU AND EINSTEIN...

WOULD BE EINSTEIN HIMSELF.

[laughter]

ORDER!ORDER!

[stops himselffrom laughing]

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

I APPEAL TO YOUTO THINK OF THE FIRST MAN

TO EVER DRINK MILKFROM THE TEAT OF A COW.

I BET HE GOTA LOT OF FLACK TOO.

BUT LOOK AT HIM NOW.HE'S A GENIUS, ISN'T HE?

NOW, I DIDN'T DRINKFROM MY DOG'S ANUS,

BUT WHO'S TO SAY

THAT I COULDN'T HAVE FOUNDTHE NEXT MILK?

THE NEXT MILK COULD HAVE BEENIN MY DOG'S ANUS.

IT TURNS OUT IT WASN'T.

IF THERE'S AN OPPOSITEOF MILK THOUGH,

I THINK I MAY HAVE FOUND THAT.

I CHALLENGE YOU,

EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU,

TO GO OUT THEREAND FIND THE NEXT MILK.

WHETHER IT BE IN A CAT'S EAR

OR A DOLPHIN'S BLOWHOLEOR A MONSTER'S NOSE.

BUT IF YOU THINK IT'S WRONG,

IF YOU THINK THE CURIOUS SHOULD BE CONDEMNED,

WELL, I'M AFRAIDWE'LL NEVER FIND THE NEXT MILK.

AND THAT'S SAD.

I'M DONE.I'M FINISHED.

[music swells]

[exhales forcefully]

HEY, YOU'RE DOING GREAT,BY THE WAY.

I SAW YOUR EYE ROLL,

BUT NOW YOU'RE GONNA SEE"MY" ROLE...

IN THIS CASE.

YOUR HONOR, I'D LIKETO CALL TO THE STAND

DOUGLAS JERRY SILVERMAN.

OH!

[crowd murmuring]

[dramatic music]

[mouths "Hi, puppy."]

I'LL ALLOW DOUGTO TAKE THE STAND,

SO THAT ALL OF YOU MAY SEE

WHO THE VICTIM IS IN THIS CASE,

TO PUT A FACE ON THIS CRIME.

DOUG, MAY WE HAVEYOUR ATTENTION?

DOUG?

DOUG.

MR. SILVERMAN, MAY I REMIND YOU,

WE ARE IN A COURT OF LAW.

OH, FOR GOD'S SAKES!

WHAT IS SO DELICIOUS ABOUT THAT?

[gasps]

THIS CASE IS DISMISSED.

[giggles]

AND FURTHERMORE, I RULE

THAT HENCEFORTH AND HEREAFTER, BESTIALITY WILL BE LEGAL

IN THE CITY OF VALLEY VILLAGE.

BUT ONLY WITH ANIMALS

OF THE OPPOSITE SEX.

GROSS.

YIPPIE!

[whimpering]

OH, DOUGIE, I KNEW IT!

I KNEW IT.

I'LL NEVERLET YOU GET LOST AGAIN.

LOOK, YOU WERE RIGHT.

THE WHOLE FIGHT WAS JUSTABOUT THE FACT

THAT I'M NOT READYTO GET MARRIED.

WELL, DON'T WORRY.IT'S STILL ILLEGAL.

I KNOW,WHICH IS RIDICULOUS.

BUT IT'S NOT GONNABE ILLEGAL FOREVER.

YOU KNOW, MY MAN,I HAVE A FEELING

WHEN THE WORLD IS READY,I'M GONNA BE READY TOO.

WELL...

YOU'RE WORTH WAITING FOR.

I THINK THIS IS THE GAYESTWE'VE EVER GOTTEN.

YEAH, THIS IS PRETTY GAY.

[owl hooting,crickets chirping]

(Sarah)WELL, DOUG,

IT WAS A ROUGH DAYFOR BOTH OF US.

AND I GUESS I OWE YOUAN APOLOGY.

BUT WHEN I THINKABOUT THE WAY YOUR ASS TASTES,

IT'S KIND OF LIKEYOU OWE ME AN APOLOGY.

WE'LL CALL IT A DRAW.

NOW I FEEL UNCOMFORTABLETOUCHING YOU BELOW THE WAIST.

TO WEAR THOSE HATSMADE OUT

OF BUNCHESOF GRAPES AND BANANAS?

WOULD YOU FOLLOW THAT LAW?

YES, I WOULD.LAWS HAVE REASONS!

THEY EXIST TO MAKE EVERYONE'S LIVES BETTER!

THAT'S WHY I DON'T BREAK THEM!

OKAY, WELL,I THINK WE'RE GONNA--

YOU DON'T BREAKANY LAWS?

NO.

YOU WANNA LOOKAT THAT LAMP

AND ANSWER THAT QUESTION AGAIN?

THAT LAW HASA MEDICAL EXCEPTION.

IS THERE A LAMP LAW?

DO YOU KNOWWHAT I THINK?

I THINK YOU JUSTDON'T EVER WANNA GET MARRIED!

YOU'RE USING THE STUPIDEST LAWIN THE WORLD

TO PROTECT YOUFROM SOMETHING THAT SCARES YOU!

HOMELESS MIKE?

SARAH SUNSHINE!NICE TO SEE YA.

WAIT.I'M CONFUSED.

YOU STARTED TALKING,AND YOU DIDN'T ASK FOR CHANGE.

AND WAIT--

WAIT A MINUTE.

WHERE AREYOUR SNEAKER TOILETS?

GONE.I'M NOT HOMELESS ANYMORE.

THAT'S AMAZING,HOMELESS MIKE.

ACTUALLY, IT'SJUST MIKE NOW.

WOW, HOW DID YOU DO IT?DID YOU WIN THE LOTTERY?

NO, I JUST GAVE UP CRACK.

OH, BUT THAT WASYOUR FAVORITE.

I KNOW.

I GOT REHABILITATED.

WHATEVER'S WRONG WITH YOU,

YOU JUST GO TO REHAB,AND THEY FIX IT.

AND THEN THE WHOLE WORLDGIVES YOU ANOTHER CHANCE.

AND YOU CAN GOTO REHAB FOR ANYTHING?

YEAH, WELL,ANYTHING BUT THIS...

WOW!

ISN'T THAT NEAT?

WELL, I THINK, UH,

LAURA AND ISHOULD BE TAKING OFF.

WHAT DO YOU THINK,SWEETIE?

NO, WE CAN STAYFOR A WHILE.

[sighs]

OOPS, I DROPPEDMY NAPKIN.

UH, DO YOU MIND GIVING MEA HAND PICKING IT UP?

NOT AT ALL.

ARE YOU INSANE?

I THINK WE CAN HELP THEM.

OUR RELATIONSHIPIS SO HEALTHY.

AND THEY STRUGGLE SO MUCH.

MAYBE WE CAN TEACHTHEM SOMETHING.

[sighs]

YOU KNOW SOMETHING?

I WISH EVERY MAN IN THE WORLDCOULD HAVE YOU,

SO THEY KNOWWHAT IT'D BE LIKE.

AND THEN ONCE THEY'VE ALLHAD A TURN,

THEY'D BRING YOU BACK TO ME.

YOU CAN BEMY VERY SPECIAL LADY FOREVER.

OH, JAY,THAT WOULD BE AMAZING.

[romantic music]

OH!

I LOVE YOU.

SO THAT'S REALLY THE ENDOF THIS CONVERSATION?

YOU'RE DONE?

CAKES ARE DONE.PEOPLE ARE FINISHED.

[Laura and Jay giggling]

SHE FOUGHT US,BUT WE GOT HER.

THAT'S IT.

[door slams]

WHAT CAN I GET YA?

I'LL JUST HAVEA MAMA CELESTE PIZZA FOR ONE.

GOT IT.

OH, AND THE PEOPLEAT THE NEXT TABLE WOULD LIKE

TO NOT BUY YOU A DRINK.

WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?

JUST IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING.

YOU'RE WEIRD.

OH, SAID THE WOMANWHO LICKED HER DOG'S ASS.

[clicks and whirrs]

AH-HA! THE GAME OF LIFE!

ARE YOU GONNA SAY THATEVERY TIME YOU SPIN?

[laughs]

GET MARRIED!

OOH.HEY.

CONGRATULATIONS, BUDDY.

[hums wedding march]

SHOULDN'T YOU BE HANDING MEA PINK PIECE?

WHY?

WELL, BECAUSE I'M NOT MARRYINGA MAN.

I'M MARRYING A WOMAN.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

I CAN'T MARRY A MAN.IT'S ILLEGAL.

UH, IT'S JUST A GAME.

YEAH, THE GAME OF LIFE.

AND IN LIFEIT IS ILLEGAL

FOR TWO GUYSTO GET MARRIED.

OKAY, AND YOU BELIEVEIN THIS LAW SO STRONGLY,

THAT YOU'RE NOT WILLINGTO BREAK IT IN A BOARD GAME.

IT'S A LAW, STEVE.

[bars rattle]

♪ SUPPER TIME IN THE HOLE

♪ SUPPER TIME IN THE HOLE

♪ I SHAME MY FAMILY

♪ SHAME MY HOME ♪ TELL ME, SISTER, TELL ME

♪ SUPPER TIME ♪ TELL ME, SISTER, TELL ME

[gasps]

YOU'VE GOTTHREE MINUTES.

HEY.

WHY IS HEWEARING UNDERPANTS?

FOR HIS OWN SAFETY.YOUR THREE MINUTES HAVE STARTED.

HEY, BUDDY.

PET HIGHER,PLEASE.

YOU NEED TO REFRAINFROM TOUCHING HIM

IN HIS COVERED AREA.

HELLO, DOUG.IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU.

YOU LOOK FIT.

ARE THEY TREATING YOU WELL?

WE'RE TREATING HIM JUST FINE.

I WAS TALKINGTO DOUG!

I'M SORRYFOR WHAT I DID, DOUG.

I'M REALLY SORRY.

I'M SURE THERE'SA LOVING FAMILY JUST LOOKING

FOR A 13-YEAR-OLDCHIHUAHUA-PUG MIX

WITH A HISTORY OF SEXUAL ABUSE.

[sniffling]