Tuesday, December 15, 2015

  • 12/15/2015

Andrew Santino, Meaghan Rath and Jak Knight name #HolidayCelebs, report crimes that are likely to be committed in Portland and polish their resumes for NASA.

IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

SANTAS COME IN ALL SHAPES ANDFATS.

LAST WEEK WE TOLD YOU ABOUTPORTLAND'S HIPSTER SANTA, AND

NOW A MALL IN TORONTO HAS RAISEDTHE STAKES WITH THIS BADASS

MUTHA-- SHUT YOUR MOUTH-- I'MJUST TALKIN' BOUT SANTA:

CAN YOU DIG IT.

LOOK AT THIS GUY.

WOW.

♪♪

>> Chris: DAMN.

[BEEP] SANTA. WHAT'S UP, JIZZKRINGLE?

YES, HE'S THE MOST INTERESTINGSANTA IN THE WORLD.

HE ONCE GOT THE BABY JESUS TOGIVE HIM PRESENTS.

HE DOESN'T ALWAYS DRINK MILKWITH COOKIES, BUT WHEN HE DOES

IT'S TO REPLENISH THE PROTEIN HEEXPELLED ON YOUR MOM'S BACK.

>> MY GOD.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>> Chris: COMEDIANS, I WOULD

LIKE YOU TO GIVE ME ANOTHER FACTABOUT THE MOST INTERESTING SANTA

IN THE WORLD.

>> HIS DICK IS LITERALLY MADE OFMISTLETOE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

JAK.

>> HIS DICK IS SO BIG IT HASITS OWN DICK.

>> Chris: POINTS.

WHICH IS ALSO A BIG DICK.

>> DOUBLE CIRCUMCISED.

Chris: MEAGHAN.

>> THE ONLY SLEIGHING THIS SANTADOES IS PUSSY.

>> Chris: NICE.

AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR TONIGHT'S#HASHTAGWARS.

FOR MY MONEY, SANTA CLAUS IS THEPERFECT CELEBRITY; HE'S GOT THE

CHARM OF RYAN GOSLING, THEVOLUPTUOUS ASS OF A KARDASHIAN,

AND THE CURSED IMMORTALITY OFBETTY WHITE.

SURE, HE DOESN'T TECHNICALLYEXIST, SPOILER.

HE'S JUST AN ASSEMBLAGE OF PAGANDRUID MYTHS FROM SOME COLD

NORTHERN WASTELAND, BUT HEY, SOIS DRAKE.

WE'RE GONNA HELP SOME LESSERFAMOUS FOLK FOLLOW ST. NICK'S

EXAMPLE WITH TONIGHT'S HASHTAG:#HOLIDAYCELEBS.

SOME EXAMPLES MAYBE, MISTLE TONY DANZA.

OR WIZ HANNAH KA LEEFA. ORGINGERBRED SHEERAN.

OF 0 SECONDS ON THE CLOCK,BEGIN.

>> RAY KWANZA.

Chris: POINTS.

>> NORTH STAR WEST.

Chris: POINTS.

>> SLED AZNER.

>> CHIMNEY FALON.

Chris: POINTS.

>> WREATH WITHERSPOON.

>> THE GHOST FACE FROM CHRISTMASPASS.

>> STAR OF LARRY DAVID.

>> CINCO DE MAYA RUDOLPH.

CHANCE THE RABBI.

>> MARY AND JOSEPH GORDONLEVITT.

>> Chris: THAT'S NICE.

>> RIHANNAKKAH.

Chris: SO GOOD.

IT'S TIME TO PLAY.

"WE CRINGE YOU A MERRYCRINGE-MAS."

BY NOW YOU'RE PROBABLY ALREADYSICK OF ALL THE HOLIDAY MUSIC

BEING BLASTED UP YOUR CHEER HOLEFROM EVERY SPEAKER IN THE WORLD.

ESPECIALLY THE [BEEP] CHRISTMASSHOES SONG.

COME ON!

PATON OSWALT DOES A GREATDECONSTRUCTION OF THAT ONLINE.

IF YOU CAN FIND IT, I HIGHLYRECOMMEND IT.

COMEDIANS, I'M GOING TO SHOW YOUA HOLIDAY SONG THAT SHOULD BE A

NEW CLASSIC AND FOR 250 POINTSYOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO TELL ME

WHAT IS ON THAT ARTIST'S HOLIDAYWISH LIST.

FIRST UP, JAN TERI WITH "EXCUSEMY CHRISTMAS:"

>> IN SPANISH THEY SAY FELIZNAVIDAD, FELIZ NAVIDAD THIS

CHRISTMAS.

ALL I CAN SAY IS EXCUSE MYCHRISTMAS.

>> CHRIS: WHAT DOES SHE WANT FORCHRISTMAS?

JAK.

>> ADOBE PREMIERE AND SOME GOODDICK.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: I'M LAUGHING MORE AT

THE ADOBE PREMIERE RIGHT NOW.

>> SOMETHING FOR EVERYBODY, MAN.

Chris: LIKE JOKE SANTA.

ONE FOR YOU, ONE FOR YOU.

ANDREW.

>> I'M GOING WITH PARENTS THATAREN'T RELATED.

[BEEP]>> Chris: POINTS.

>> WOULDN'T THAT BE NICE.

WOULDN'T IT BE NICE.

>> Chris: NEXT ONE.

>> CHRIS: FROM THE WORLD OFPUBLIC ACCESS, CARL AND DONNA

WALKER:♪ DEEP IN THE NIGHT THE ANGELS

WERE HEARD♪ WE SHALL BEHOLD, WE SHALL

BEHOLD>> Chris: SO THE QUESTION IS

WHAT DO THEY WANT FOR CHRISTMAS.

ANDREW.

>> HE WANTS THE AGE OF CONSENTLOWERED.

[LAUGHING]>> SHE JUST WANTS TO ESCAPE THE

ETERNAL HELL THAT IS HER LIFE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> YES.

Chris: VERY GOOD.

>> I MEAN FOR THEIR DAUGHTER TOCOME BACK TO LIFE.

[LAUGHING]>> IF THEY REMEMBER WHERE THEY

BURIED HER.

>> Chris: THEY CAN'T REMEMBER.

THE YARD IS BIG.

>> CHRIS: STRAIGHT OUTTA THEUKRAINE, IT'S AZA WITH "HUNKY

SANTA:">> WHATS YOUR NAME?

DO YOU WANT TO BE MY SANTA?

CALL ME AND HERE IS MY NUMBER.

>> OKAY.

Chris: PLEASE TAKE ME BACK TOYOUR COUNTRY.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: WHAT DOES SHE WANT FOR

CHRISTMAS.

>> A INVITATION TO HERDAUGHTER'S WEDDING.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: NEXT UP THIS HANUKKAH

HIP HOP PARODY.

♪[LAUGHING]

♪[LAUGHING]

>> Chris: FOR REALS.

WHAT DO THESE GUYS WANT FORHANUKKAH.

>> FOR DRAKE TO BE FULLY JEWISHSO THEY CAN CLAIM HIM.

>> Chris: YES, YES.

MEAGHAN.

>> --[LAUGHING]

>> FORESKIN.

Chris: ANDREW.

>> THEIR LONG ISLAND GIRLFRIENDSTO FINALLY GIVE THEM BLOW JOBS.

>> NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.

>> NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.

>> AHHH.

>> NO, NO.

Chris: AND THE EMMY FOR BEST[BEEP] GOES TO, ANDREW SANTINO.

NEXT NOW, A LITTLE DRUMMER BOYAS INTERPRETED BY THE BAND

COFFIN [BEEP]>> I AM A POOR BOY TOO, PA RUM

PUM PUM PUM.

>> I AM A POOR BOY TOO, PA RUMPUM PUM PUM.

>> NOT HOW I PICTURED THE SONGSLOOK LIKE BEING RECORDED.

I HAD A MUCH DIFFERENT IMAGEIN MY HEAD.

>> Chris: WHAT DOES COFFIN[BEEP] WANT FOR CHRISTMAS?

>> FOR MOM TO HURRY UP WITH THEPIZZA ROLLS.

>> Chris: YA.

>> COME ON!

MY FRIENDS ARE HERE!

>> GET OUT MY ROOM.

>> I TOLD EVERYONE ELSE INCOFFIN [BEEP] WE'D HAVE PIZZA

ROLLS.

>> Chris: FINALLY THIS HOLIDAYCLASSIC.

♪>> MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW

MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWMEOW MEOW MEOW.

(TO THE TUNE OF "OH COME ALL YEFAITHFUL")

>> Chris: WHERE YOU AT CARLYFIORINA! CAN DOGS DO THAT?

[ APPLAUSE ]>> CHRIS: WHAT DO THESE LITTLE

GUYS WANT FOR CHRISTMAS?

>> FOR THEIR OWNER TO DIE SOTHEY CAN EAT HER FACE.

>> Chris: YES OF COURSE THAT'SWHAT THEY'RE SAYING.

BEFORE THE BREAK I SHOWED YOU ANONLINE APPLICATION TO BE AN

ASTRONAUT AND ASKED YOU TO APPLYFOR THE JOB.

LET'S SEE WHAT YOU CAME UP WITH.

MR. SANTINO.

>> LOOK I RAN INTO A LITTLETROUBLE AT THE MONTE CARLO I

NEED TO GET OFF EARTH FAST.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: MEAGHAN.

>> WELL, I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED TOSOAR AMONG THE HEAVENS AND

STAND IN FRONT OF FLORIDA SO ITLOOKS LIKE I HAVE A DICK.

>> Chris: PERFECT.

JAK.

>> I NEED A PLACE TO GO BECAUSE

STUDENT LOANS CAN'T REACH YOU INSPACE.

>> CHRIS: IT'S TIME FOR:PORTLAND FIVE-0.

PORTLAND FIVE-0.

PORTLAND, OREGON IS A UTOPIA FORLIBERAL HIPSTERS LOOKING FOR A

QUIET PLACE TO COMB THE CAT HAIROUT OF THEIR BEARDS WHILE SLOWLY

GOING BLIND FROM DRINKING CRAFTMOONSHINE.

I LOVE PORTLAND.

IT'S A GREAT CITY.

BUT CRIME STILL HAPPENS, ANDWHEN IT DOES, PORTLAND KEEPS IT

WEIRD.

THE TWITTER ACCOUNT @PDXALERTSCOMPILES SOME OF THE BIZARRE

THINGS OVERHEARD ON THE POLICESCANNER FOR THE LAND OF FLANNEL.

FOR EXAMPLE:"PORTLAND-POLICE RESPOND TO

NORTH EAST HANCOCK-- REPORT OFTWO SHIRTLESS MALES IN THE ROAD

SELLING DRUGS TO A GUY THATLOOKS LIKE IT COULD BE WOODY

ALLEN."

WOULDN'T BE THE WORST THING HEHAS DONE.

COMEDIANS I WANT TO YOU TELL METHINGS YOU WOULD HEAR ON THE

POLICE SCANNER IN PORTLAND.

JAK.

>> BACK UP, BACK UP THERE ISGLUTEN EVERYWHERE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

SHUT THE CITY DOWN.

>>>> OFFICER DOWN HE FELL OFF HIS

FIXE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

ANDREW.

>> OUT OF INDICA REQUESTING BACKUP KUSH. BACK UP KUSHI

MMEDIATELY.

>> HELP OUR ONE BLACK FRIEND WASMURDERED.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: ANDREW.

>> EXTRA SHOTS ORDERED.

BARISTA DOWN.

>> SUSPECT SEEN WEARING A TRUMPFOR PRESIDENT HAT, UNIRONICALLY.

>> Chris: POINTS. THERE'SGOTTA BE ONE GUY.

>> FIVE WHITE PEOPLE ARE TRAPPEDTOGETHER BECAUSE THEIR

DREADLOCKS GOT TIED.

>> Chris: POINTS.