Great Moments in Hookup History & Ask a Black Dude

  • 02/19/2003

With time running out, Martin Johnson has one last stab at glory: Ashley "Smashly" Evans; musical guest Fat Joe.

CAN BLACK GUYS JUMP HIGH ?

YEAH, BLACK PEOPLECAN JUMP HIGH.

YOU GOTTA JUMP,

GOTTA DO SOMETHING WHEN YOU'RERUNNING FROM THE POLICE.

( accented )I ASK YOU, WHY YOU WALKLIKE THIS, HUH ?

ALL YOU, ALWAYS,ALL YOU BLACK GUY, WHY ?

( mimicking )WHY YOU ACT LIKEA DOO-DET-DET-DET...

BLACK PEOPLE WALK LIKE THAT'CAUSE WE HAVE STYLE,

WE GOT FLAVOR, WE GOT RHYTHM.

I MEAN, THE BLACK MANIN AMERICA

IS THE MOST COPIEDMAN ON THIS PLANET, BAR NONE.

EVERYBODY WANNA BE A NIGGER,

BUT NOBODY WANNA BE A NIGGER,HOW ABOUT THAT QUESTION ?

CAROL CHANNING JUST ADMITTEDSHE WAS A NIGGER,

THE REST OF 'EM NEED TOBREAK DOWN AND ADMIT IT TOO.

YEAH, WHY WE BLACK PEOPLELIKE TO SMOKE SO MUCH WEED ?

CAN YOU TELL ME WHY ?

WELL, I HAVE A QUESTIONFOR THAT NIGGA.

WELL, WHERE ARE YOUR TEETH,NIGGA ?

BLACK PEOPLEJUST LIKE TO PARTY.

THEY HAVE THAT IN THEIR BLOOD.

AND SOMETIMES THEY CAN GOOVERBOARD AND IT'S REAL SAD.

AND DON'T ASK ME ABOUT DRUGS,

ASK WHITNEY AND BOBBY,DON'T ASK ME THAT QUESTION.

( laughing )

GOOD EVENING AND WELCOME TO INSIDE CHAPPELLE'S SHOW STUDIO.

WE'RE HERE TONIGHTTO CELEBRATE THE CAREER

OF A BRILLIANTYOUNG MAN.

COMEDIAN,ACTOR, ARTIST, MAGICIAN,

AND, SOME WOULD SAY,

A SMOOTH, PIMPED-OUT PLAYERFROM THE STREETS

THAT KNOWS HOW TO GET HIS.

PLEASE WELCOMEDAVID CHAPPELLE.

( applause )

THANK YOU.

IT'S OVERWHELMING, I'M SO USEDTO TAPING A COMEDY SHOW.

THIS IS--THIS IS INCREDIBLE.

THANK YOU, WILLIAM.

YOU'VE DONEOVER 74 FILMS.

WE'LL COVER WHAT TIMEALLOWS.

DAVID, IN 1987,YOU BURST ONTO THE SCENE

WITH ONE OF THE MOSTAUSPICIOUS DEBUTS

IN MODERN TIMES.

I'M TALKING, OF COURSE,ABOUT YOUR PORTRAYAL

OF PRIVATE JACKSON

IN "FIGHTING CHARLIEWITH MR. CHARLIE".

YEAH.

( applause )

THANK YOU,THANK YOU.

HERE IT IS, YOUR BREATHTAKING,OSCAR-NOMINATED PERFORMANCE.

( Chappelle )AHH...

AHH... OW,LITTLE HELP !

AHH !

DAMN, DOG, WHATTOOK YOU SO LONG ?

THEY GOT ME, AHH !

WHO YOU CALLING ?

WHO THAT,THE POLICE ?

TELL 'EM I GOT SHOT BY SOMECHINESE GANGSTERS.

I CAN DESCRIBE 'EM.

MMM, HELLO,POLICE ?

( man )JACKSON !

GET OUT OF HERE,HE'S TOO FAR GONE.

WORD ?

IT'LL BE ALL RIGHT,SOLDIER.

YOU MADE AMERICA PROUD,YOU'RE A DAMN HERO, SON.

HEY...HEY, YOU SNEAKIN'.

YOU MIGHT AS WELL JUST SHOOTYOURSELF IN THE STOMACH

AND COME LAYDOWN WITH ME.

THEY'RE GONNA SEE YOU.

I WAS SNEAKIN'THE SAME WAY, SARGE.

AHH !

PERMISSION TO CARRY OUTONE LAST MISSION, SIR ?

WHAT IS IT, SOLDIER ?

PERMISSION TO DIE,SARGE.

PERMISSION GRANTED.

YOU REPORT TO HEAVENAT 0-800 HOURS,

AND THAT'SAN ORDER, SOLDIER.

I'LL TELL 'EM,"UNCLE SAM SENT ME."

WHY, GOD, WHY ?!

DON'T ASK GOD...ASK NIXON.

WHY, NIXON, WHY ?!

OW !DEATH !

I'D LOVE SOME PUSSYBEFORE I GO, AHH...

( applause )

AFTER "MR. CHARLIE",

YOU TOOK WHAT MANY CONSIDEREDTHE ROLE OF A LIFETIME

WHEN YOU PLAYEDTHE DUKE OF YORKVILLE

IN "IMPROPER INQUISITIONS".

( applause )

LET'S TAKE A LOOK.

( British accent )MY LADY, MY LADY,DON'T RUN FROM ME.

MY LADY... HEY !

MY LORD, I NEED TO KNOW,

'TWAS THERE ANOTHERMAIDEN IN OUR BED ?

SAYETH WHAT ?

IT APPEARS AS THOUGHMY LADY HAS BEEN RUMMAGING

THROUGH MY THINGS...

AND FOUNDETH HER...HER BIRTHDAY PRESENT EARLY.

YES, SURPRISE !

LIETH NOT,MY LORD, I PRITHEE.

THE LAST MAIDEN THAT ACCUSEDME OF LYING,

I STUCK MY FOOT BETWIXTHER BUTTOCKS SO RAVAGELY...

AHH !

THAT IT BROKETH OFF AND SNAPPETHAS THE TWIG DOTH SNAP !

SO, MY LADY,I INVITE THEE

TO COME AND WATCH MEUNSHEATH MY SWORD

AND SWING ITAND SWING IT UPON THEE !

BRINGETH !

OOH, OH, OW, OH...

OH, OH... OH,WELL...

HMM...

IT SEEMS AS THOUGHTHE BOUDOIR,

PERHAPSWON'T BE NECESSARY.

I'VE SOILED MY PANTALOON.

I'M GOING TO GETA BOWL OF CEREAL.

YOU GET SOME REST,TA-TA.

♪ BIP-I-DEE-BOP...BIP-I-DEE-BOP... ♪

( applause )

THANK YOU.

DAVID, I'VE SPOKENTO MANY ACTORS

WHO HAVE PLAYEDTHE PHYSICALLY CHALLENGED.

WHEN DANIEL DAY-LEWISSAW YOUR PERFORMANCE

IN "LITTLE FOOT, LONG FOOT",HE THREW UP.

IN THE MOVIE,YOU PLAYED STANLEY,

A HANDICAPPED MAN WITHA HEART OF GOLD.

IT'S VISUAL POETRY.

THANK YOU.

( Chappelle )SHORT FOOT...

LONG FOOT...

LITTLE FOOT...

LONG FOOT...

AHH !

( man )SIR, LET ME HELP YOU.

AHH, GET YOUR DAMNED HANDSOFF OF ME !

BUT, SIR,THE WET FLOOR...

SHUT UP-- OH !

AHH !

I DON'T NEEDYOUR DAMN PITY.

AAH !

AHH !HEY, AHH, GET AWAY !

SIR, I DON'T WANT YOU TOSLIP ON MY SKATEBOARD.

SHUT YOUR DAMN MOUTH,YOU POTHEAD !

( audio in slow speed )AAH... AAH...AAH !

MAY I HAVEA DOUBLE CHEESEBURGER...

A LARGE FRY...

AND SOMETHING COLDTO DRINK ?

( applause )

AND A CHERRY PIE !

( applause continues )

AND A MILKSHAKE !

AAH !

( applause )

DAVE CHAPPELLE,THANK YOU.

THANK YOU,THANK YOU.

( applause )

WHOO, OH, SNAP !WHAT'S UP, DOG ?

IF YOU LET ONE DROP HITTHIS MOTHERFUCKIN' WAVERUNNER,

I'M A KICKYOUR MOTHERFUCKIN' ASS.

DEBORAH ?

OH, GIRL,I SHOULD SHIT ON YOU.

HEY, WHEN YOU'RE DONE,CLOSE THE MOTHERFUCKIN' LID

'CAUSE WE GOT SOME BUSINESSWE GOT TO TAKE CARE OF,

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN ?

I SHOULD PEE ON Y'ALLLIKE R. KELLY.

( gasping )

IT'S REAL SHITTYDOWN HERE.

OH, MY... IT'S REDMAN.

HEY, HEY, WHERE DO YOUGET THESE STAINS FROM

WITH YOUR STINKIN' ASS ?!

IT'S JUST SO HARDTO KEEP MY TOILET WHITE.

WELL, BABY, THAT'S WHY I GOTTHE NEW TOILET FRESHENER.

MY SHITIS DA BOMB, BITCH.

I'M TELLING YOU !

REDMAN...WELL, HOW DOES IT WORK ?

WELL, THE MOTHERFUCKERWORKS, LIKE,

SPRAY IT IN THE TOILET,

AND THE ENZYMES AND SHITCOLLABORATE TOGETHER,

AND MAKE SOME KIND OF MIXTURE

AND GET ALL THAT SHIT,YOU GOT CELERY AND LIMA BEANS

AND CORN AND CHICKEN BONESAND SHIT IN HERE.

IT WAS YUMMY GOING DOWN.

YOU NEED SOMETHING,WHY NOT CALL ON YOUR MAN ?

HOLLER !

( announcer ) REDMAN POTTY FRESH,

THE ONLY TOILET BOWL CLEANERWITH ENZYMES AND SHIT

THAT COLLABORATE TOGETHERTO MAKE SOME KIND OF MIXTURE

THAT GETS YOUR TOILET BOWLSPARKLING WHITE.

YOU GOT THOSEAWFUL STAINS OUT.

FLUSH THE TOILET WITHYOUR PANCAKE ASS, BITCH !

OOPS, SORRY.

( Redman )HEY, REDMAN TOILET FRESHENER,I'LL GET THE BROWN OUT.

( dinging )

HEY, WHAT'S THE MATTER ?

PAM, DO YOU YOU HAVEANYTHING SANITARY ?

I'M ALL OUTAND MY FLOW IS HEAVY.

DO I ?

GIRL, I GOT SOMETHINGTHAT'LL KEEP YOUR FLOW

MOTHERFUCKINGTIZ-IGHT !

MOTHERFUCKING TIZ-IGHT ?

WHAT'S UP, LADIES ?MY NAME IS DAMON DASH,

THE C.E.O. OF ROC-A-FELLARECORDS,

AND ROC-A-FELLA'S ABOUTTO GET ALL UP IN THAT ASS...

WITH ROCA-PADS.

ROCA-PADSIS 30% MORE ABSORBENT

THAN THE LEADING BRAND.

SO IF YOUR PERIOD IS DROPPIN',THEN, WE CATCH IT,

Y'KNOW WHAT I MEAN ?

IT'S THE ROC,HOLLER !

YOU FEELINGFRESH NOW ?

OOH, FOR SHIZZLE,MY BIZZLE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING ?WHAT ? NOTHING.

( Dash )SO, IF YOUR BUM IS LEAKIN',YOU NEED TO BE SEEKIN'...

ROCA-PADS.

IT'S THE ROC.

( cheers & applause )

DURING THE COLD NOVEMBEROF 1999,

23-YEAR-OLD MARTIN JOHNSONHAD BUT ONE THING ON HIS MIND:

A PIECE OF ASS.

THAT WASA BIG NIGHT FOR ME.

I'D BEEN ON AN EIGHT-WEEKLOSING STREAK, MAN.

I NEEDED TO PULL OUTA WIN AND I NEEDED IT THEN.

I DON'T THINK SO.

AFTER A NIGHTHE CHALKED UP TO BAD CALLS,

WITH TIME RUNNING OUT,

JOHNSON HAD ONE LASTFLEETING STAB AT GLORY.

( woman )BARTENDER, I WOULDLIKE ANOTHER DRINK.

ASHLEY EVANS,

AFFECTIONATELY KNOWN THROUGHOUTTHE LEAGUE AS "SMASHLY" EVANS,

WAS PUTTINGTHE FINISHING TOUCHES

ON A "NEWLY SINGLE" PARTYWITH HER FRIENDS...

AND I WOULD LIKE A MAN.

WHEN THE BARTENDERTOOK AWAY HER KEYS...

CAN ANYBODY TAKE THIS DRUNK,HORNY, CRAZY WOMAN HOME ?

AT THAT MOMENT, JOHNSONHEARD THE IMMINENT WHISTLE

FROM THE TRAIN OF DESTINY.

( train whistle )

AS THE PASS WENT UP,JOHNSON SPRUNG INTO ACTION.

IT WAS JIMMY MACKEY'S 9thINTERCEPTION OF THE YEAR,

LIVING UP TO HIS REPUTATION

AS ONE OF THE BAD BOYSOF THE LEAGUE.

JOHNSON WAS CRUSHED.

BUT THEY SAY PERSEVERANCEIS THE HALLMARK OF A CHAMPION,

AND MARTIN JOHNSON HAD ITIN SPADES.

AFTER A NIGHT OF BAD CALLS,

JOHNSON FINALLY GOT A PENALTYIN HIS FAVOR.

JOHNSONEMPLOYED A TRICK PLAY,

ONE HE HADN'T USED SINCEHIS HIGH SCHOOL DAYS.

HEY, HEY,YOU FORGOT YOUR SCARF.

BUT IT WASN'T HER SCARF.

YOUNG ASHLEY DIDN'T EVEN OWNA SCARF,

BUT WASTOO DRUNK TO REALIZE IT.

WILL YOU TAKEME HOME ?

OH, YES, YES,I WILL.

WHEN OPPORTUNITY AND QUICKTHINKING MEET,

THE WAYTHEY DID THAT FATEFUL NIGHT...

GOOD EVENING, SIR.

... THAT'S A GREAT MOMENTIN HOOK-UP HISTORY.

( cheers & applause )

( thinking )MAN, OF ALL THE FLIGHTSTO BE ON,

I GOTTA RIDE WITH THEMTERRORIST SONS OF BITCHES.

I GOT MY EYE ON YOU,AL QAEDA.

( thinking )WHAT ARE THOSE NEGROESDOING IN FIRST CLASS ?

MUST BE RAPPERS.

I'D BETTER KEEPAN EYE ON SARA.

( thinking )ME NO TRUST-EMWHITE MAN.

ME BETTER NOTGO TO BATHROOM.

WHITE MAN WILLSTEAL MY SEAT

AND CALL IT"MANIFEST DESTINY".

( snorting )

( "America the Beautiful"playing )

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