Barry Rothbart describes home life with his girlfriend and the ill effects of his disgusting diet.
You know, I just moved inwith my girlfriend, you know.
So now she-she brings upweird things I do in my sleep.
You know, she's like, "Do youknow that you scream sometimes?
Do you know that you just putyour arm like this?"
She said, at some point,
I farted and told itto shut up in my sleep.
I went... (puffs)Shut up!
What am I supposedto do with that?
Not do it anymore?
I'm a grown man!
I'll tell you the hardest thing,and you guys know this--
guys, you know this--
hardest thing when you livewith a girl is compromises.
Like, you know this.
When you're a guy,the hardest thing not to do
is (bleep) on yourselfand just leave it there.
You know, you're a guy.
You want to just come home,masturbate,
and just leave it thereand go to bed.
You're tired, you know?
But then she'll come homeand think that someone broke in
and (bleep) on her boyfriend.
She'd be like, "He would neverdo that to himself.
"He's not crazy.
Someone broke in and did that."
And then, of course,you have to a-agree.
You have to be like,
"Yes, somebody broke inand (bleep) on me."
Then you have to goto the police department,
file a report.
The police are lookingfor the mystery (bleep).
You know, people look at me
and they're just like,"How are you so toned?"
I get that a lot, you know.
How do you get those tittieslooking the way they do?
How do you do that?
I learned recently,a guy in L.A. told me
that you have to confuseyour muscles.
I found that out,so here's what I do.
Guys, pay attention--here's my workout regiment.
15 minutes of legs,
then I take six monthsto a year off,
no working out.
I'm eating mostly fast foodand my body's just like,
"Are we muscles?Are we fat?
"I don't know what we are.
"We feel like fat--we're so confused right now.
"You've been eatinglike an eight-year-old
on death rowfor the last three months."
I eat like an eight-year-oldon death row.
Like an eight-year-old who'sbeen convicted of a kid crime.
Like stealing the mayor's shoes.
And then he's like,"I want to eat Panda Express
twice in the same airport."
I did that.
I ate Panda Expresstwice in the same airport.
Do you know what happens?
You poop out a live puppy.I pup...
I pooped out a puppy.
I pooped outa puppy!
And then that poopy--that puppy poopy
pooped out another poopy puppy.
And then that puppyate Long John Silver's
and died in the toilet.
I love Long John Silver's.
They're the best.
I hope they're sponsors,you know?
They're the best.
But it's weird, you go thereand even they're just like,
"Are you sure?
"Did you see the sign?
"It says Long John Silver's.
"We serve fish for a dollarin a landlocked town.
"You want this?You want this?!
"Okay.Evan, get out here!
"Someone wants it!
"Well wake him up!"