John Oliver's New York Stand-Up Show
Season 1

Mary Lynn Rajskub, Matt Braunger, Hari Kondabolu, Brian Posehn

  • Season 1, Ep 2
  • 01/15/2010

Mary Lynn Rajskub specifies which areas of her body are extra sensitive, Hari Kondabolu discloses his use of cocoa butter, and Brian Posehn doesn't want to be a matchmaker.

LET'S GET ONE THINGOUT OF THE WAY STRAIGHT AWAY.

I'M NOT LIKE YOU.

I'M BRITISH.(laughter)

THAT DOESN'T MAKE ME BETTERTHAN YOU...

ANYMORE.(laughter)

ALL I'M SAYING IS,200 YEARS AGO,

THIS WOULD HAVE BEENA VERY DIFFERENT GIG.

(laughter)

YOU'D BE GETTING LESS JOKESFROM ME AND MORE INSTRUCTIONS

AS TO WHAT I EXPECT YOUTO DO TOMORROW.

IT'D BE BASIC LAND WORK,NOTHING YOU CAN'T HANDLE.

ALL I'M ASKING YOUTO UNDERSTAND

THAT THOUGH THIS WILL BE FUNTHIS EVENING,

FOR ME, IT IS ALSO IMBIBEDWITH A REAL SENSE OF LOSS.

(laughter)

I WOULD LIKE TO ISSUE A WARNINGTO ALL OF YOU,

A VERY SERIOUS WARNINGFROM THE HEART.

LOOK DEEP INTO MY EYES.

LOOK DEEP INTO THESE EYESBECAUSE--

THERE'S NO NICE WAYOF SAYING THIS--

YOU ARE LOOKINGINTO YOUR FUTURE.

EMPIRES DIE, AMERICA,

AND THISIS WHAT HAPPENS TO YOU.

IT'S NOT PRETTY.

I'M NOT GONNA SUGARCOAT ITFOR YOU PEOPLE.

ONE SECOND YOU'LL BE RUNNINGTHE ENTIRE KNOWN PLANET.

YOU'LL LOOK AWAY FOR WHAT FEELSLIKE NOTHING MORE THAN A DECADE,

GLANCE BACKWARDS, AND THE ONLYTHING YOUR COUNTRY IS LEFT WITH

IS VOICING A...GECKO.

(laughter)

OH, OH, LAUGH NOWWHILE YOU STILL CAN

'CAUSE I GUARANTEE YOUIN 20 YEARS' TIME,

YOU'RE GONNA BEON CHINESE TELEVISION

SELLING THEM CAR INSURANCEDRESSED UP LIKE A SQUIRREL.

(laughter)OH! I'M A... SQUIRREL.

OH!(laughter)

WHO WANTS 50%OF THEIR CAR INSURANCE?

OH!

WATCH THE TAIL!I'M WALKIN' HERE!

I'M WALKIN' HERE!GET ME A COFFEE!

I'M A SQUIRREL.OH!

THE ONLY AMERICAN ACCENTI CAN DO

IS A FOUL-MOUTHED SQUIRRELFROM JERSEY.(laughter)

I DON'T KNOWWHY THAT'S THE CASE.

I JUST KNOW IT TO BE A FACT.

THAT IS PROUD OF ITSELF,THAT HAS NATIONAL PRIDE.

AS A BRITISH PERSON,

WE DON'T REALLY HAVE PRIDEIN OUR COUNTRY ANYMORE

DUE TO THE TERRIBLE THINGSWE'VE DONE IN OUR HISTORY.

(laughter)

IT IS HARD TO LOOKAT THE BRITISH FLAG

WAVING IN THE SKYWITHOUT THINKING TO YOURSELF,

"WE WAGGLED THAT AROUND IN SOMEVERY AWKWARD SITUATIONS."

(laughter)

OUR NATIONAL ANTHEMDOESN'T HELP,

IT'S PREDICATED ON A LIE--"GOD SAVE THE QUEEN."

THAT HAS NEVER HAPPENED.

GOD HAS NEVER SAVED THE QUEENOR ANY OF HER ANCESTORS.

THAT'S WHY SHE'S QUEEN NOW.

(laughter)IN FACT, HE HAS SYSTEMATICALLYWIPED OUT HER ENTIRE FAMILY,

AND SHE IS VERY MUCHNEXT ON HIS LIST.

(laughter)

YOUR-YOUR ANTHEM-- YOUR NATIONALANTHEM IS INSPIRATIONAL.

IT'S UPLIFTING.IT'S SOMETHING TO GET BEHIND.

YES, IT'S ONE LONG SENTENCE,BUT WHAT A SENTENCE.(laughter)

WHAT A SENTENCE.

OBVIOUSLY, YOU DIDN'T WANNA TAKEPUNCTUATION FROM US

WHEN YOU KICKED USOUT OF THE COUNTRY.(laughter)

THROW A COMMA IN THERE.

WHAT'S THE WORSETHAT COULD HAPPEN?

TRY A SEMICOLON,YOU MIGHT LIKE IT.

(laughter)

EVEN CANADA.

CANADA.

AND GOD KNOWS THEY HAVE NOTHINGTO BE PROUD OF.

(laughter)

EVEN THEY ARE INDIFFERENTTO THEMSELVES.

THEIR-THEIR NATIONAL ANTHEMIS BORDERLINE ORGASMIC.

(laughter)

OH, CANADA.

(laughter)

OH, CANADA.(laughter)

OHH, CANADA.

DOES YOUR DADDY KNOW YOU'REGOING OUT DRESSED LIKE THAT?

OH, CANADA.(laughter)

DAMN, CANADA, DAMN.

(laughter)

HISTORY CONTINUES TO RISEBACK UP AND BITE US IN THE FACE.

OH, THERE WAS A NEW STUDY DONEABOUT THE TITANIC RECENTLY,

AND THIS-THIS REPORT FOUND OUTTHAT MORE BRITISH PEOPLE DIED

PROPORTIONALLY THANAMERICAN PEOPLE ON THAT BOAT

BECAUSE THEY DISCOVEREDTHAT AT THAT POINT IN HISTORY,

BRITISH PEOPLEWERE MORE POLITE...

(laughter)

WHILE AMERICANS WERE,AND I QUOTE,

"MORE ASSERTIVE."

(laughter)

WELL--BUT DON'T FEEL GUILTY

WHEN YOU IMAGINE YOUR ANCESTORSELBOWING MINE OUT OF THE WAY.

YOU GAVE US A GIFT THAT DAY.

THAT IS AN HONORABLE DEATHFOR A BRITISH HUMAN BEING.

NOW FOR VIKINGSTO ENTER VALHALLA,

THEY HAD TO DIE HONORABLY,VIOLENTLY,

WITH A SWORD IN THEIR HAND.

FOR A BRITISH PERSONTO ENTER BRITISH HEAVEN--(laughter)

WHICH EXISTS--(laughter)

WHICH EXISTSIF YOU JUST BELIEVE.

(laughter)

FOR A BRITISH PERSONTO ENTER BRITISH HEAVEN,

YOU BASICALLY HAVE TO DIECOMPLETELY UNNOTICED

WITHOUT CAUSINGTOO MUCH OF A KERFUFFLE.

(laughter)

WHAT I'M SAYING IS THANK YOU,THANK YOU.(applause)

(chuckling)ALSO, THANK-THANK--THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

I WAS JOKING, BUT I APPRECIATEYOU APPLAUDING ANYWAY.

"GOOD, GOOD.

I WAS FEELING SLIGHTLY GUILTY.NOW I DON'T."

(laughter)

THERE'S A BIG DEBATE AROUND GUNSIN ENGLAND AT THE MOMENT,

PARTLY OVER WHAT YOU CANAND CAN'T DO TO A BURGLAR

WHO YOU FIND IN YOUR HOME.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO TONIGHTIF YOU WENT HOME

AND YOU FOUND A BURGLARIN YOUR HOUSE?

WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

SHOOT HIM?"SHOOT HIM," SAID THE MAN.

NOT EVEN WAITING FOR METO FINISH THAT QUESTION.

HE WAS LIKE, "SHOOT.OBVIOUSLY, I WOULD SHOOT HIM."

D-DO YOU HAVE A GUN?

(man) NO.NO. OKAY.

(laughter)WELL, THEN I THINK WE'VEDETECTED THE ACHILLES' HEEL

IN YOUR HOME SECURITY SYSTEM.(laughter)

"NO, I DON'T.

BUT I EXPECT HIM TO OBEYTHE RULE OF THE PLAYGROUND."

PE-OW! PE-OW!

"OOH, YOU GOT ME.OOH.(laughter)

"OH, GOOD SHOT.WOW!

"CAREFUL, DON'T BURGLE HIM.

HE'S ARMED TO THE TEETH,THAT ONE."

(laughter)

SOMEHOW, IN ENGLAND,A FARMER GOT HOLD OF A GUN,

AND HE WAS BURGLED,

AND HE SHOT THIS BURGLARSEVEN TIMES IN THE BACK

IN SELF-DEFENSE,

AND IT SPARKED A BIG DEBATEIN ENGLAND

ABOUT WHAT YOU CANAND CAN'T DO TO A BURGLAR.

IT GOT SO BAD,

THE BRITISH GOVERNMENT HADTO RELEASE A STATEMENT SAYING,

"YOU CAN'T KILL BURGLARS."(laughter)

"YOU CAN'T KILL BURGLARS."

UNFORTUNATELY,OUR NATIONAL PRESS IN BRITAIN

IS EVEN WORSE THAN YOURS,(laughter)

AND THEY RAN WITH HEADLINESSUCH AS "YOU CAN KILL BURGLARS"(laughter)

WHICH, TO BE FAIR TO THEM,WAS CLOSE.

(laughter)

BUT COULD IT HAVE NOT BEENTHAT LITTLE BIT CLOSER?

IT GOT EVEN WORSE WHEN ONE PAPERMANAGED TO ADD A MISPRINT

TO THIS MISINFORMATIONWHEN THEY RAN WITH THE HEADLINE

"YOU CAN KILL BUGLERS."

(laughter)

AND LET ME TELL YOU,THAT LITTLE TYPO COST THE LIVES

OF 17 OF OUR FINESTVALVE-LESS BRASS ENTHUSIASTS.

IT WAS AN ABSOLUTE BLOODBATH.

EVERY TIME ONE BUGLER GOT UPTO PLAY THE LAST POST

FOR THE PREVIOUS DEAD BUGLER,

THE MOB SPOTTED HIMAND RIPPED HIM APART.(laughter)

RIPPED HIM TO PIECES.

HE DIDN'T STAND A CHANCE.

THAT IS THE STUPIDEST JOKEYOU WILL HEAR THIS EVENING.

(laughter)

I ALMOST DIDN'T MAKE IT HERE.

I GOT, UM, PULLED OVERFOR EXTRA SECURITY SCREENING

AT THE AIRPORT.

I KNOW, IT WAS MEAND AN 81-YEAR-OLD WOMAN

IN A WHEELCHAIRWITH A CAT ON HER SWEATSHIRT.

OH, WE'RE SO DANGEROUS.

BUT NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT,SHE DID LOOK KIND OF SUSPICIOUS.

BUT ME, WHA--I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.

I LOOK LIKE SOMEONEWHO WOULD FIGHT TERRORISM.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

WHAT?

I MEAN,I LOOK REMARKABLY LIKE SOMEONE

WHO WOULD WORKAT A COUNTER-TERRORIST UNIT.

(cheers and applause)

SO I WENT OVERTO THE SPECIAL AREA,

AND SHE COMES AT MEWITH HER WAND.

I'M NOT KIDDING YOU,SHE GOES,

"ARE THERE ANY SENSITIVE AREASON YOUR BODY?"

(laughter)

IS-- A-ARE YOU EFFING WITH MERIGHT NOW?

IS-IS-- ASHTON'S GONNACOME OUT, RIGHT?

TOTALLY BEING PUNK'D.

BUT IT HAPPENEDIN A SPLIT SECOND.

I DIDN'T HAVE A LOT OF TIMETO THINK ABOUT IT.

SHE'S JUST COMING. I'M LIKE,"WHAT--WHAT DO I SAY? DO I--"

AND I DECIDEDTO JUST-JUST GO WITH THE TRUTH.

AND SO SHE'S ALMOST TO MEWITH THE WAND, THEN I SAID,

"MY BOOBIES AND VAGINA."(laughter)

SHE'S LIKE, "EXCUSE ME?"

(laughter)

THEN I HAD TO COMMIT TO IT.

"OH, MY BOOBIES AND VAGINAARE VERY SENSITIVE!

PLEASE DON'T TOUCH THEM!YOU GUYS."

THEN IT'S LIKE THE EXACT THINGTHAT I DIDN'T WANT TO HAPPEN

THEN TOTALLY HAPPENED.

THEY TOOK ME AWAYTO A SECRET ROOM.

THEY STARTED TOUCHINGALL MY SENSITIVE AREAS.(laughter)

THEY WERE SEARCHINGIN MY ORIFICES.

I MEAN, WHEN'S THE LAST TIMEYOU HAD TO USE

THE WORD "ORIFICE,"LET ALONE "ORIFICES"?

I DON'T WANNA GET INTO IT,BUT IT WASN'T NICE,

AND THEN THEY PUT,LIKE, A PICTURE, YOU KNOW,

LIKE, "WE'LL WATCH OUTFOR THIS LADY. SHE'S A PERVERT."

WHICH IS TOTAL B.S.

BECAUSE, NUMBER ONE,I'M NOT A PERVERT.

THERE WAS THAT ONE GUYWHO WAS INTO FEET.

WHOA!

YEAH, GUYS, TAKE A BREAK.

LADIES...(laughter)

WE'RE NOT DOING THE MAJORITYOF THE RAPINGS AND THE KILLINGS.

AM I RIGHT?WHAT'S UP?

(cheers)

YEAH, WE CAN CHEER FOR THAT.

WE DON'T-- IT'S THE GUYSTHAT DO ALL THAT CRAP.

I MEAN, WE MIGHT,EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE,

MAYBE GO IN A CARWITH A DIAPER ON

AND A GUN NEXT TO US,(laughter)

BUT THAT'S 'CAUSE WE GOTTA GETTHAT BITCH WHO STOLE OUR MAN.

AND WE GOTTA FOCUS.WE DON'T HAVE TIME TO STOP.

WE MIGHT HAVE TO GO PEE-PEEA LITTLE BIT

AND WE'RE AN ASTRONAUTIN A MAN'S WORLD,

AND WE ARE STRESSED OUT.

BUT WE-- WE'RE NOT--WE AREN'T--

WE'RE NOT GONNA GOTHROUGH WITH IT, YOU KNOW?

WE'LL-WE'LL PETER OUTAT THE END

'CAUSE WE JUST WANT TO BE LOVED,YOU KNOW?

(laughter)(sighs)

WHAT IS UPWITH THESE EFFING BITCHES?

LADIES, TAKE A BREAK.

GUYS, WHAT IS WITH WOMEN?

I'M SERIOUS.(laughter)

THEY'RE ALWAYS LIKE,"ARE YOU OKAY?

"LIKE, HOW ARE YOU FEELING?WHAT'S GOING ON?

TELL ME WHAT YOU'RE THINKING."

EFF THAT,AM I RIGHT, GUYS?(man) YEAH.

WHAT'S UP? YEAH.

THEN THIS GIRL COMES UP TO MEAND SHE'S LIKE,

"OH,SMELL THIS SCENTED CANDLE."

AND I'M LIKE, "NO, I'M BUSY.I GOT THINGS TO DO."

AND THEN SHE'S LIKE,"CHECK OUT THESE SHEETS.

THEY'RE 500-COUNT EGYPTIANTHREAD COUNT OR WHATEVER."(laughter)

AND I'M LIKE, "YOU KNOW WHAT?GET OFF MY BACK."

AND THEN SHE COMESAND TELLS ME--

GUYS, TELL MEIF YOU BACK ME UP ON THIS ONE.

DON'T YOU HATE ITWHEN A BITCH IS LIKE,

"OH, BETTER GIVE MEA DIAMOND RING

"IF YOU WANNA GETINTO THAT SECRET GARDEN.

"GO DOWN THERE,SHAVE IT BALD LIKE DADDY LIKES,

AND GET READY TO MAKE SOME--"

(laughter)OH.

I'M SORRY.THAT WAS WEIRD.

(laughter)

I JUST--I WAS JUST CHANNELING THIS STUFF

I HEARDTHIS GUY SAYING.

WELL, I USED TO DATE HIM,BUT I JUST--

I WANTED TO RELATETO YOU GUYS,

AND I THOUGHTTHAT THAT WOULD DO THE TRICK.

BUT I-I DON'T BELIEVE IN THATAT ALL.

I DON'T THINK IT--

I THINK THAT LOOKS LIKEA LITTLE GIRL WHEN YOU--(laughter)

PLUS, I'M FROM MICHIGAN,AND WE'RE-WE'RE--(woman) YEAH!

AND WE DON'T DO THAT,YOU KNOW?

NOBODY TALKED ABOUT ITFOR ONE THING.

KEEP IT NEAT,TRIM, CLEAN,

AND CALL IT A DAY,YOU KNOW?

BECAUSE YOU NEEDTHE PROTECTION THERE.

IT'S LIKE THE EYEBROWOF THE LOWER REGION.

(laughter)

I'M NOT SAYINGI DON'T WANNA BE HOT, YOU GUYS.

DON'T GET ME WRONG, I DO.

I WANT GUYS TO LOOK AT MEAND BE LIKE,

"OH, I JUST WANNA GRABA PIECE OF THAT AND... IN."

I MEAN, THAT--

I'VE ACTED ALLTHESE YEARS LIKE I'M COOL

WITH BEING, YOU KNOW,UH, QUIRKY AND INTERESTING,

BUT I WANNA BE,"OH, YEAH!"(laughter)

AND SOMEBODY WHO, UH, EPITOMI--YOU KNOW,

LIKE YOU'RE IN A SPORTS BAR,

LIKE, "LET ME GET THAT BIG BALLIN THE HOLE.

I LOVE TO PLAY POOL.DARTS? LET'S DO IT."

EXCEPT FOR WHEN I GET MY DARTSOFF THE BOARD,

I WANNA DO IT LIKE THIS.

(laughter)

"WHAT?

"WAS THAT SEXY?

"I DON'T KNOWWHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.(laughter)

(murmurs sultrily)

(laughter)

BUT THE PINNACLE OF BEING HOT,FOR ME, WOULD BE FERGIE HOT,

YOU KNOW?

OH, SHE'S THE GREATEST.

SHE HAS THAT LIP LINER,THAT BEDAZZLED HALF SHIRT,

THE TIGHT, TIGHT PANTS,AND SHE'S LIKE, "MY HUMPS!"

AND THAT HAIR THAT LOOKS LIKEA BARBIE DOLL FROM THE '70s,

YOU COULD JUST KEEP PULLING OUT.

JUST, LIKE, SLAM HER."GIMME THAT HAIR!"(laughter)

BUT I DON'T KNOW IF YOU GUYSEVER SAW THAT PICTURE OF HER

ON THE INTERNET, THOUGH.

(man) WOOH!

RIGHT?

I DON'T KNOW-- IT WASIN THE MIDDLE OF A CONCERT.

IT WAS LIKE AN EXCITING MOMENT,AND SHE'S LIKE,

♪ LIKE A CHILDMISSES HER BLANKET ♪

AND SHE JUST PISSES HER P--(laughter)

WHAT HAPPENED?(laughter)

YOU DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO--"I'M FERGIE, EXCUSE ME,

I'M GONNA LEAVEAND GO TO THE BATHROOM."

NO, JUST PISSED IT.

IT WAS JUST THE GREATEST THINGI'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE.

AND HE'S LIKE, "HEY, MAN,WHERE ARE YOU FROM?"

SO I TOLD HIM,"I'M FROM QUEENS, NEW YORK."

(cheers and applause)RIGHT.

BUT WAIT.BUT WAIT.(laughter)

AND THEN HE'S LIKE, "NO, I MEANWHERE ARE YOU REALLY FROM?"

WHICH FOR THOSE OF YOUWHO DON'T KNOW,

THAT'S CODE FOR, "NO, I MEANWHY AREN'T YOU WHITE?

(laughter)

"I NOTICED YOUR SKINWAS A DIFFERENT COLOR THAN MINE.

"WHY? WHY THIS? WHY?PIGMENT!

"PIG-- WHY? ETHNIC!WHY-WHY THIS?

WHAT KIND OF ANIMAL ARE YOU?"

AND, UM, I WAS--I WAS OFFENDED, CLEARLY,

AND, UH, I WAS OFFENDEDBECAUSE THIS MAN HAD JUDGED ME

BASED ON THE COLOR OF MY SKIN

AND NOTBY MY MORE IMPORTANT QUALITIES,

WHICH, OF COURSE,

ARE THE SOFTNESSAND SMOOTHNESS OF MY SKIN.

(laughter)

TRAITSI HAVE CAREFULLY CULTIVATED

WITH THE EXTENSIVE USEOF COCOA BUTTER.

YES, HARI KONDABOLUUSES COCOA BUTTER.

JUST THE OTHER DAY,I WENT TO THE SUPERMARKET

TO GET SOME MORE COCOA BUTTER,WHEN I NOTICED THE COCOA BUTTER

HAD BEEN MOVEDTO THE "ETHNIC NEEDS" SECTION...(laughter)

OF MY SUPERMARKET.

AND, AT FIRST, I WAS HAPPY.I'M LIKE, "ETHNIC NEEDS.

"END OF POLICE BRUTALITY,MORE ACCESS TO HEALTH CARE,

MORE EDUCATIONAL OPPORTUNITIES.FINALLY."

NO, NO.(laughter)

JUST HAIR RELAXERSAND COCOA BUTTER, APPARENTLY.

OKAY, THE MORE IMPORTANT ISSUESOF THE DAY--VEGAN SOUL FOOD.

WHAT THE... ?(laughter)

REALLY?

REALLY, VEGANS, YOU DAREBRING THAT INTO THE EARTH?

REALLY, VEGA-- THAT DOESN'T EVENMAKE ANY SENSE.

LET'S THINK ABOUT THISFOR A MOMENT, OKAY?

WHAT'S THE HISTORYOF SOUL FOOD?

SLAVES WERE GIVENTHE WORST PARTS OF THE ANIMALS,

PIG'S FEET, THINGS LIKE THAT.

THEY HAD TO COVER ITIN LARD AND SPICES,

WHATEVER THEY COULDTO MAKE THAT TASTE DELICIOUS.

SOUL FOOD IS STEEPED

IN AFRICAN-AMERICAN HISTORYAND TRADITION.

THEN YOU HAVE VEGAN FOOD.

NOW VEGANS ALSO START WITHA LIMITED NUMBER OF INGREDIENTS,

BUT, ARGUABLY,WHAT THEY END UP WITH

TASTES WORSE THAN WHATTHEY STARTED WITH.

(laughter)

THAT'S ARGUABLE.THAT'S ARGUABLE.

I ARGUE IT BECAUSE IT'S TRUE.

(laughter)

SOME WOULD ARGUE OTHERWISE,AND THEY'RE WRONG

BECAUSE I HAVE HADVEGAN THANKSGIVING...(audience groans)

OF TOFURKEY AND SOY GRAVY.

AND IT'S NOT TO SAYTHAT THANKSGIVING

WILL EVER JUSTIFY THE GENOCIDEOF THE NATIVE AMERICANS,

BUT VEGAN THANKSGIVING,

THAT'S JUST SPITTINGON THE GRAVES, ISN'T IT?

(laughter)

(applause)

THANK YOU.

NOW, AGAIN,THE BIGGER POINT HERE

IS VEGANS DON'T USEANIMAL PRODUCTS IN THEIR FOOD,

AND THAT'S A KEY PARTOF SOUL FOOD.

THAT IS AN ESSENTIAL PARTOF SOUL FOOD, ANIMAL PRODUCTS.

THEREFORE, VEGAN SOUL FOODIS, ESSENTIALLY,

A HEAVY-METAL COVER ALBUMOF MOTOWN CLASSICS.

(laughter)

HEAVY METAL IS ROCK MUSIC

STRIPPED OF ITS HISTORICBLACK ELEMENTS.

IT CAN'T PROPERLY COVER MOTOWN.

IF I SAW A HEAVY-METALCOVER ALBUM OF MOTOWN CLASSICS,

I WOULD NOT BUY IT,UNLESS, OF COURSE,

THE RECORDWAS CALLED "VEGAN SOUL FOOD,"(laughter)

AT WHICH POINT,IT IS HIGH-CONCEPT...(laughter)

AND DADDY MUST HAVE IT.

DADDY MUST HAVE IT.

UH, I LOVE--I LOVE NEW YORK CITY

AND I LOVE BEING HEREIN THE AUTUMN.

YOU KNOW, IT'S SO-- THERE'SNOTHING LIKE IT IN THE WORLD,

AND IT'S SO DEFINITIVE.

YOU CAN ALWAYS TELLWHEN IT'S AUTUMN IN NEW YORK

'CAUSE THE LEAVES TURN ORANGE,THERE'S A CHILL IN THE AIR,

PEOPLE ARE WEARING THICKER COATSAND STUFF.

I LIVE IN LOS ANGELES.

YOU CAN ALWAYS TELLIT'S AUTUMN IN LOS ANGELES

WHEN THE CITY'SNO LONGER ON FIRE ANYMORE,(laughter)

WHEN THINGS AREN'T ABLAZE,YOU KNOW?

LIKE SUMMERTIME,YOU'RE LIKE, "OH, AUGUST!

"OH, G--AHH!(laughter)

WHY DO I LIVE HERE?"(laughter)

IT GETS WEIRD WHEN PEOPLE ARE,LIKE, MOVING THERE IN AUGUST

AND THEY'RE LIKE,"WHY IS MY CAR ON FIRE?"

YOU KNOW,AND THE NEIGHBOR'S LIKE,

"WELL,IT'S THAT TIME OF YEAR."(laughter)

YOU KNOW, IT'S ABOUT THEN.

(chuckles)

IT'S A--IT'S A LITTLE AWKWARDDOING A THEATER LIKE THIS.

I'M USED TO PLAYINGLIKE, DIVE BARS, YOU KNOW?

IT'S NOT AS AWKWARDAS THE TIME I HAD TO WATCH

"BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN"ON NETFLIX WITH MY DADS.

(laughter)

"STOP KISSING!"

YOU KNOW,IT MAKES ME SAD, THOUGH,

THAT LIKE THE CREEPIEST GUYSARE REALLY, REALLY OLD--

LIKE OLD-- GAY OLD MEN,LIKE, REALLY OLD GAY OLD MEN.

I DON'T KNOW WHY I PUT INSO MANY "OLDS."

I DON'T KNOW, JUST, YOU KNOW,SUPER OLD, BECAUSE--

BUT IT'S NOT THEIR FAULT.

THEY JUST DON'T KNOWHOW TO BE OR HOW TO ACT.

THEY CAN'T TELL THE GAYFROM THE STRAIGHT PEOPLE.

AND NOW THAT IT'S NOT ONLY OKAYBUT, LIKE, COOL TO BE GAY,

NOW THEY WANNA COME OUTBUT IT'S LIKE, YOU KNOW,

LIKE YOU'RE KINDA CREEPY NOW.

AND, UH, YOU KNOW,THEY DON'T KNOW HOW TO BE,

LIKE, THEY'RE HANGING OUTAT, LIKE, 7-ELEVEN

BY THE WEIGHTLIFTING MAGAZINES,LIKE, "HELLO, HOW ARE YOU?

"CARE TO LOOK AT THIS WITH ME?

"I JUST THOUGHT I'D COME OUTFOR A STROLL.

HOLD ME!PLEASE, HOLD ME!"

(laughter)

YOU CAN'T COME OUTIN THE 50s, MAN.

YOU'LL CATCH A BEATIN'.YOU KNOW? IT SUCKS.(laughter)

THE BEST YOU COULD HOPE FOR,REALLY, A REJECTION WAY,

IF SOME GUY--HITTIN' ON SOME GUY,

AND THE GUY'S LIKE,"NOW HOLD ON THERE, MARY.

"I KNOW WHAT TICKETS TO WHAT BUSYOU'RE SELLIN',

"AND I AIN'T BUYIN'.(laughter)

"GET YOURSELF BACKON THE NANCY BUS

BEFORE I GIVE YOU WHAT FOR!"YOU KNOW?

(laughter)

I GREW UP INPORTLAND, OREGON,

AND, UH, IT'S A GREAT--NOTHING.

THAT WAS AWESOME.

THAT WAS PERFECT.THAT WAS PERFECT.

"NO!"

(laughter)

LIKE IT'S A GREAT--IT'S A GREAT TOWN

AND PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS LIKE,"OH, IT'S SO COOL THERE."

'CAUSE EVERYONE WANTSTO MOVE THERE NOW.

BUT GROWING UP,IT WASN'T THAT COOL.

IT'S JUST A WEIRD PLACEFULL OF, LIKE, BURNOUT HIPPIES

AND MURDEROUS LUMBERJACKSAND THEIR KIDS, YOU KNOW?

IT'S JUST A WEIRD PLACE.

BUT, LIKE, YOU EVER GROW UPWITH THAT ONE FRIEND

THAT'S, LIKE, TOO FUNNY,TOO YOUNG,

YOU KNOW, LIKE,HE MAKES YOU LAUGH SO HARD

WHEN YOU'RE 11, IT'S LIKE--YOU FELT LIKE YOU--

YOUR HEART'S GOING SO NUTS,

IT'S LIKE YOU DID BLOWAS A CHILD,

LIKE, "STOP IT,MY HEART'S GOING NUTS.

"STOP TALKING.HOW ARE YOU THIS FUNNY?

HOW ARE YOU ALSO 11, STEVE?SHUT UP," YOU KNOW?

BUT MY FRIEND HADTHIS AMAZING SCHEME, RIGHT?

HE HAD, LIKE--HE GOT SIX OF US

AND HE GOT SIX COPIESOF THE WHITE PAGES

AND BROKE IT INTO SIX SECTIONS,RIGHT, AND WAS LIKE,

"ALL RIGHT, WE'RE GONNA GOTHROUGH THESE PHONEBOOKS

"AND WE'RE GONNA FIND THE TWOFUNNIEST NAMES IN PORTLAND

AND PRANK THE... OUT OF 'EM,RIGHT?"

AND I WAS LIKE, "THAT'S INSANE.YOU'RE ALSO IN THE 6th GRADE?

HOW'D YOU COME UP WITH THIS?"

(laughter)

AND WE WENT THROUGHAND WE FOUND THESE TWO NAMES.

NOW THE FIRST NAME, OBVIOUSLY,NOT THIS PERSON'S GIVEN NAME,

'CAUSE NOBODY NAMED THEIR KIDSSKELETOR P. FUNK, OKAY?

THAT'S, UH--

THAT'S TOO--THAT'S TOO AMAZING.(laughter)

BUT WE FLIPPED OUT.WE'RE LIKE, "OH, MY GOD."

WE CALLED HIM.WE'RE LIKE, "IS HE-MAN A QUEER?

HOW'S CASTLE GRAYSKULL?"YOU KNOW?(laughter)

AND HE WAS UNPRANKABLE

BECAUSE WHEN HE ANSWERED THEPHONE, HE WOULDN'T SAY HELLO.

HE'D JUST PLAY HIS BASSINTO THE PHONE.

(laughter)

(imitates bass line)

WE'RE LIKE,"YOU WIN AGAIN, SKELETOR.

(laughter)

BUT I'LL BE BACK."

BUT THE FUNNIEST NAME--THE FUNNIEST NAME WE FOUND,

UM-- I'LL JUST SAY THIS.

I-I'VE HAD SOME HARD TIMESIN MY LIFE,

JUST LIKE ALL OF US,JUST LIKE ALL OF YOU,

I'VE LOST SOME FRIENDS, HAVE HADSOME RELATIONSHIPS GO SOUR.

BUT ANYTIMESTUFF GETS REALLY BAD,

I STILL THINK OF THIS NAME,AND I AT LEAST SMILE,

IF NOT LAUGH OUT LOUD,

BECAUSE IT'S STILL THE FUNNIESTNAME I'VE EVER HEARD IN MY LIFE.

AND I KNOW I'M BUILDING THIS UP,BUT STRAP IN, OKAY?

AND GET READY 'CAUSE THAT DAYWE FOUND THERE WAS SOMEONE ALIVE

IN PORTLAND, OREGON,NAMED EGGLY BAGELFACE.

(laughter)

COME ON. COME ON.

EGGLY BAGELFACE?

EGGLY BAGELFACE!

IT'S A BREAKFAST NAMEOF AMAZING AWESOMENESS.

(laughter)

(chuckles)

THE KID THAT FOUND THE NAMEPASSED OUT.

(laughter)

GOTTA MAKEAN ANNOUNCEMENT

BEFORE I CONTINUEWITH THE PREPARED MATERIAL.

HE DIDN'T MENTION THIS,

BUT YOU MIGHT KNOW MEFROM "THE SARAH SILVERMAN SHOW"

AND, UH, YEAH.(cheers and applause)

JUST SO YOU DON'T WASTEYOUR TIME AND MINE

AND COME UP TO ME LATER

AND THINK THAT I CAN HOOK YOU UPWITH SARAH--

LIKE, SARAH WILL NOT... YOU.(laughter)

I'M SORRY, IT SOUNDS WEIRD, BUTPEOPLE THINK THIS ALL THE TIME.

PEOPLE COME UP TO MEALL THE TIME AND GO,

"HEY, MAN,TELL SARAH I THINK SHE'S HOT."

LIKE, I'M GONNA GO HOME AND GO,"HEY, UH, SO I WAS AT O'HARE

"AND, UH...(laughter)

"THERE WAS A DUDEWITH BIGGER POT TITS THAN ME.

(laughter)

"AND HIS MOUSTACHEKINDA SMELLED.

"BUT HE THINKS YOU'RE HOT.

"SO IF YOU WANNA GO TO CHICAGOAND HOOK THAT... UP,

I CAN GIVE YOU HIS E-MAIL."(laughter)

THAT WILL NOT WORK OUTFOR YOU.

BUT IF YOU'RE SITTING HERETONIGHT OR AT HOME

AND YOU'RE THINKING,"HEY, I'D LIKE TO GET HIGH

"WITH THE DUDETHAT'S BEEN ON TV ALL THE TIME,

"LIKE OUTSIDEOF A COMEDY VENUE,

"LIKE IN A...

(man) WOOH!PARKING LOTOR A PARK OF SOME SORT OR..."

(laughter and applause)

THEN THATIS AN ACHIEVABLE GOAL.

(laughter and applause)

(chuckles)

YOU COULD SERIOUSLYMAKE THAT... HAPPEN.

(laughter)

ALL YOU NEED IS TWO THINGS--TO ASK ME AND HAVE WEED.

(laughter)

AND WE CAN HOOK THAT UP.

WE'LL BE HANGING OUTIN YOUR FRIEND'S DORM,

AND YOU'LL BE LIKE,"TELL SARAH I THINK SHE'S HOT."

AND I'M LIKE,"YEAH, I KNOW. I KNOW."

(laughter)

SO, THIS IS TRUE.

iTUNES THINKSTHAT I HAVE... TASTE IN MUSIC.

(laughter)LET ME EXPLAIN.

AS ANYBODYWHO HAS iTUNES KNOWS,

WHEN YOU BUY SOMETHINGOFF iTUNES,

IT WILL THENSUGGEST OTHER MUSIC

BASED ON WHAT YOU ORDERED,RIGHT?

SO I'VE HAD GOOD A THING GOING,OR SO I THOUGHT, WITH iTUNES

FOR ABOUT SIX YEARS,

ORDERED A LOTOF HEAVY METAL OFF iTUNES

'CAUSE I'M A METALHEAD,

BUT THEN,AS I ALSO JUST MENTIONED,

I ALSO SMOKE A LOT OF POTOCCASIONALLY EVERY DAY.

(laughter)

AND RECENTLY-- IT WAS, LIKE,3:00 IN THE MORNING,

AND AS THE KIDS SAY,I WAS HIGH AS...

(laughter)

AND I'M LIKE DICKIN' AROUNDON iTUNES,

AND I THOUGHT I'D ORDER THATSONG "LAST CHRISTMAS" BY WHAM.

(laughter)

REMEMBER THAT PIECE OF... ?(laughter)

STILL SUCKS.

IF YOU'RE SITTIN' AROUNDWONDERING IF WHAM STILL SUCKS,

YUP, HARD.

(laughter)

REASON I BOUGHT THAT STUPID SONGIS THE NEXT DAY,

I WAS GOING TO A METAL CONCERTWITH ONE OF MY BUDDIES.

AND NORMALLY, WHEN WE'RE GOINGTO, LIKE, A METAL SHOW

OR A MOVIEAND I PULL UP TO HIS HOUSE,

I'M CRANKING DEATH METALIN MY CAR,

SO IT SOUNDS LIKEA BUNCH OF DEMONS ARE FIGHTING.(laughter)

LIKE HE HEARS, "RARARARARA!"

AND HE KNOWSIT'S TIME FOR US TO GO ENJOY

THE NEW JASON STATHAM VEHICLE.

(laughter and applause)

BUT THIS TIME I PULL UPAND ALL HE HEARS...

(imitates "Last Christmas")

(laughter)

AND HE JUST WALKS OUT PUZZLED.

AND I'M SITTIN' IN MY CAR,GIGGLING, HA-HA-HA.

(laughter)

AND THEN I GET HOME,

AND NOW iTUNES DOESN'T KNOWWHAT TO THINK OF ME ANYMORE.

(laughter)

I'M SUDDENLY CHANGEDIN iTUNES' EYES.

SO ITS FIRST NEW SUGGESTIONWAS, LIKE, "ALL RIGHT.

"WELL...

"IF YOU LIKED'LAST CHRISTMAS' BY WHAM...

(laughter)

PERHAPS YOU'D LIKE BALLSON YOUR CHIN... "

(laughter and applause)

OH, MY GOD!

WOW, I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS,iTUNES.

SO I GET RECOGNIZEDMY SHARE

BECAUSE, I STAND OUT,YOU KNOW,

AND I'VE BEEN ON A LOT OF CRAPAND A LOT OF GOOD STUFF,

BUT A LOT OF CRAP, TOO.

AND, UH--BUT I STICK OUT IN A CROWD.

BUT WHAT HAPPENS IS A LOT OFTIMES PEOPLE CAN'T FIGURE OUT

WHERE THEY KNOW ME FROM.

THEY'LL BE, LIKE, "GOD, DID I GOTO HIGH SCHOOL WITH THIS GUY?"

OR "IS HE MY DAD'S FRIEND?"OR WHATEVER.

(laughter)

AND THIS HAPPENS ALL THE TIME.THIS IS A TRUE STORY.

I WAS CHECKING INTO A HOTEL INCHICAGO ABOUT EIGHT MONTHS AGO,

AND AS I'M CHECKING IN,THE GUY BEHIND THE COUNTER

IS GIVING ME THE HAIRY EYEBALLTHE ENTIRE TIME.

HE'S JUST LOOKING AT ME

LIKE, "NYEH, WHERE DO I KNOWTHIS GUY FROM?"(laughter)

I DON'T KNOW WHY HE SOUNDSLIKE DAVE MUSTAINE,

BUT HE'S LIKE, "NYEH."

AND FINALLY GETS UP THE NERVE,

AND HE GOES, "HEY, MAN,WHERE DO I KNOW YOU FROM?"

AND I GO, "OH, UH, WELL,I'M A COMEDIAN AND AN ACTOR."

AND HE GOES, "OH, THANK GOD."

AND I'M LIKE,"WELL, THAT'S A WEIRD REACTION."(laughter)

LIKE, "WHERE'D YOU THINKYOU KNEW ME FROM?

"THE GUY OUTSIDE YOUR WINDOWGOING, 'WHAT ARE YOU DOING?(laughter)

"'TAKE OFF YOUR SHIRT, BRO.'

(laughter)

DID YOU THINKI WAS THAT DUDE?"(laughter)

AND THEN FINALLY,HE SAYS TO ME, HE GOES,

"NORMALLY, I DON'T ASK PEOPLEWHERE I KNOW THEM FROM

'CAUSE I HAD SOMETHINGREALLY HORRIBLE HAPPEN."

AND I GO, "OKAY,WELL, I KNOW I'M A STRANGER,

"BUT THE RULE IS,WHEN YOU TELL A STRANGER

"THAT SOMETHING HORRIBLEHAPPENED,

YOU THEN HAVE TO TELLTHE WHOLE STORY."(laughter)

I LIKE TO MAKE UP RULES.

(laughter)

SO HE GOES FOR IT, ANDHE SWEARS THIS STORY IS TRUE.

SO HE TELLS ME THAT HE'S WORKINGAT THE SAME HOTEL IN CHICAGO

ABOUT THREE YEARS AGO,AND A SIMILAR SITUATION HAPPENS.

A GUY WALKS INWITH A UNIQUE LOOK LIKE ME,

AND HE'S LOOKING AT THIS GUY,AND THIS GUY'S IN HIS 50s,

AND HE'S GOT THOSE GOLDPLASTIC-FRAME GLASSES,

AND AN OLD-TIMEY TWIRLYMUSTACHE,

LIKE A PRINGLE 'STACHE.(laughter)

HE'S LOOKING AT PRINGLE 'STACHEAND GLASSES AND GOING,

"WHERE DO I KNOW THIS GUY FROM?

"WHERE DOES--IS HE, LIKE, MY DAD'S FRIEND?

"IS HE MY PROFESSOR?

DID HE GO TO--WHERE DO I KNOW HIM FROM?"

AND HE FINALLY GETS UP THE NERVEAND HE GOES,

"SIR, I GOTTA ASK YOU,WHERE DO I KNOW YOU FROM?"

PRINGLE 'STACHE AND GLASSESLOSES HIS...

AND YELLS AT THE GUY,"O.J. SIMPSON KILLED MY SON!"

(laughter)

I KNOW.(laughter)

"HOLY... "

IS THE REACTIONYOU SHOU HAVE.(laughter)

Loading...