May 3, 2016 - Quinta Brunson

  • 05/03/2016

Dennis Rodman receives credit for an American prisoner's release from North Korea, and Larry examines President Obama's legacy with Quinta Brunson, Robin Thede and Mike Yard.

Yes! Thank you very much!

Thank you! Welcome to the show!

Thank you very much!You're too kind.

Please have a seat. Very kind.

Uh, welcome to The Nightly Show.

I am Larry Wilmore.Um, a lot going on, guys.

So, big Indiana primary tonight.

And earlier, Fox & Friends had,uh, Donald Trump

on the show discussinghis major foe, Ted Cruz.

Hmm. Let's see what importantelection issues they covered.

TRUMP: His father waswith Lee Harvey Oswald

prior to Oswald being,uh, you know, shot.

I mean,the whole thing is ridiculous.

What is this?Right prior to his being shot.

And nobody even brings it up.

I mean, they don't even talkabout that.

That was reported, uh,and nobody talks about it.

Nobody talks about itbecause it's not news!

Or is it?

The National Enquirer claimsTed's dad had ties

to Lee Harvey Oswald.

Jesus Christ, you guys.

Between this and allof Ted Cruz's zodiac killing,

the Cruz family off...

they offed...(laughing)

This is true, this is true!Don't mess me up.

They offed more people inthe '60s and '70s than Vietnam.

Mmm. Oh, now it got sad. Yeah.

That's true. I know what you'rethinking, "Larry, stop it.

Come on,Ted Cruz is not a killer."

Okay. Well, then you tell mewhat he was trying to do

with Carly Fiorina right here.

Ted Cruz!

Hmm?

When you see itwith your own eyes,

it feels a little different,doesn't it? Yeah.

Okay, okay.But you might be saying,

"But, Larry,Carly Fiorina just fell."

Okay, Dre, Dre,show us the other angle

that we have on that.

-(grunts)-(hatch opens)

Starting to all come togethernow, isn't it, huh?

Okay, all right.So now you're saying,

"Larry,you just put that Simpsons clip

"in front of her falling.There's no connection

between Mr. Burns and Ted Cruz."

Oh, really? Oh, really?

Okay, well, then explain this.

Excellent!

Hmm?

(cheering and applause)

(chuckles)

Why-why is it Mr. Burns actuallyseems more human than Ted Cruz?

Right? I have no idea.

All right, moving on. There'ssome upsetting news out of Asia,

you guys. That's right, they'reselling chocolate-covered

French friesat Japanese McDonald's. What?

Why you got to keep thatfrom us, Asia, hmm?

We're the oneswho gave you McDonald's.

You improve it anddon't share it with a brother?

Not good. Okay, actually,

that wasn't the storyI wanted to talk about.

In 2012, a U.S. missionarynamed, uh, Kenneth Bae

was jailed in North Korea.

Now, don't confuse Kenneth Baewith, uh, Prison Bae.

Uh, whole different Bae.Whole different Bae.

Small target. I agree. Okay.

Uh, now, he was arrested aftera computer hard drive loaded

with prayers made him a suspectof Kim Jong-un's brutal regime,

and he ended up beingNorth Korea's longest held

American prisonersince the Korean War.

REPORTER: Bae spent nearly two years under 24-hour watch

by 30 North Korean guards.

The conditions were dire.

He shoveled coal and worked the fields.

He lost 50 pounds.

"Oh, my God, you lost 50 poundsin North Korea?

"I'm totally trying that.

I've got, like, a wedding."

Valley girl, everyone.Thank you very much.

Thank you.Uh, so here's the deal.

So, now, Bae, uh, he's givenhis first interview

since being released,and he gave out a very special,

surprising thank you.

I just want to...want to thank Dennis Rodman

for being a catalystfor my release.

(laughter)

That's right, you guys!

Dennis Rodman,our self-proclaimed ambassador

to North Korea.

Um, now, are you sureabout this, Kenneth Bae?

Look, I know you've beenin prison for a long time.

And, look, it's commonafter a traumatic experience

to think that '90s Chicago Bullsbasketball players

might have helped themin some way.

No, it's calledthe Luc Longley Effect.

I'm not making this up.

Or Pippening, if you will.

All right. Continue, Mr. Bae.

If I meet him some day,I just want to say thank you

for, um, you know...for what he has done

that really brought attention,international attention,

for my plight.

Okay. Look, listen,

I know it's toughto get good information

when you'rein a North Korean prison,

but Dennis Rodmandidn't help you.

Man, if anything,he spoke against you. Listen.

Kenneth Bae did one thing.

If you understand...No, I got it.

-If you understandwhat Kenneth Bae did... -Yeah.

Do you understand what he did

-in this country?-What did he do? You tell me.

-You tell me. What'd he do?-In... No, no, no, no.

You tell me! You tell me!Why is he held c-captive

-here in this country? -Theyhaven't released any charges.

No, I don't give a (bleep)what... I don't give

a rat's asswhat the hell you think!

I'm saying to you,look at these guys here.

Look at 'em!

Okay. Right.

For those of youwho don't speak Rodman,

um, he's basically saying,"Since you can't tell me

what he did,he should stay in jail,"

which makescomplete Rodman sense, right?

Now, later,in a very Rodman-style move,

he erratically changed his mind,tweeting...

WILMORE (reading):

All right, now,obviously this story requires

some more clarification.So here with more

on what role he played insecuring Kenneth Bae's release

-is Dennis Rodman, everybody.-(laughing)

-Okay. -Welcome, uh... welcometo the show, Mr. Rodman.

(chuckles)O-Okay.

Um, please, uh,call me Ambassador Rodman.

Now, Trump has me on the shortlist for Secretary of State.

-Oh, God. Okay, uh,-Yeah.

so first-- I can't understandthis-- first you were against

-Kenneth Bae's release, and thenyou supported it. -Mm-hmm. Yeah.

So what are your feelings now?

Well, I-I feel, uh...

I-I feel, uh, v-vindicated.

-Okay.-I-I feel, uh, validated.

-Yeah.-Which reminds me,

uh, do you validate parking?

-Uh, no.-Yeah.

And you're not even here.

Okay.(stammers)

Do you, uh...do you vindicate parking?

-You, uh... you do that?-Look, please, Dennis,

-walk us through your thinkingon Kenneth Bae, okay? -Oh.

Focus on this. Now,he thanked you, uh, for helping.

-How did that happen?-Uh, yeah.

Well, I tweetedat my boy, Kim Jong-un.

Okay, you tweeted at him? Okay.

Yeah. I knowI should have Snapchatted him...

-No, I wasn't... -...butthis was three years ago.

-I know. I'm not making..-You know, a different time.

Different apps...

I'm not making a big dealof that. Okay.

-You know, Fruit Ninja.-Okay, so, why...?

-What? Yeah. What? Okay.-Okay, stop it.

Why exactly did you tweetto him?

-I thought you were sayingBae was guilty. -No.

-Larry, no. This is partof my genius. -What?

I made everyone believethat I was mad at Chris Cuomo,

setting up a year later,you know, my tweet.

-Ha, ha, ha, ha!-(laughter)

Long fuse. (laughs)

That doesn't make sense at all!

Because you don't know dickabout foreign affairs, Wilmore.

-(audience groans)-Yeah. -Okay, all right.

Well, then how are you suchan expert at foreign affairs?

Because I'm Dennis Rodman.

I've hooked up with tons ofwomen from different countries.

My bedroom-- melting pot.It's a melting pot!

(laughs)

That sounds horrible.

(crying)God.

Are you crying?What's the matter?

Can't you just give me credit,Wilmore?

Maybe my style unorthodox,but I get results.

I did what no one else could do.

-Okay, fine, fine, but pleasehelp me understand. -Yeah.

No, you help me understand.No, you help me.

No, no, no, no. You wenton television... Stop it!

-You went on television.-No. I...!

Stop it!You went on television

and literally badmouthedKenneth Bae in early 2014.

And that is why you'll never beambassador material,

William... Wilmore, okay?

That's why you will never beambassador material.

-Yeah.-#Strategy, okay?

-(laughter)-It was done to show Kim

that I understood what Baehad done in North Korea.

Wheels within wheels, Wilmore.

(laughter)

I will never understandwhat's going on in your mind

and between you and Kim Jong-un.

That's on you! That's on you!

-Uh...-History will be Judge Judy.

(laughter)

Yeah.

As usual, not helpful.

-Dennis Rodman, everyone!-Yeah.

-(cheers and applause)-I can't understand him.

Hey, welcome back!

North Carolina has uphelda controversial voter ID law,

with supporters sayingit'll reduce voter fraud,

while critics argueit unfairly burdens minorities.

Now, this has been an issuefor a long time

so we need to debate this.

And since we're on cable,the only way is

to have people takepolar-opposite positions

and argue over each other.

So without further ado,

here's another installmentof "Pardon the Integration."

-Grandmother? Where are youfrom? -A black guy he is.

The white guy.Yeah, always in your face.

-My people had nothing to dowith that! -Always.

(bell dings)

Okay, please welcome Nightly Show contributors

Mike Yard and Rory Albanese.

-(cheers and applause)-Hey, guys.

All right, okay,tonight's topic--

voter ID laws--are they racist?

Okay, Mike will takethe anti-voter ID side,

and Rory will be for destroyingblack people's civil rights.

-Ready? -I'm so ready.-No, that sounds horrible.

-I don't want to do that. What?-And begin!

Voter ID laws are ridiculous!

Okay, the Constitution doesn'tsay you need an ID to vote.

You know what's ridiculous,Mike?

Trying to tape a TV show

in front of a bunch of Germans,okay?

That's what's ridiculous,all right?

And I'll tell youwhat else is ridiculous,

is people not having IDs, okay?

It's a basic thing you shouldhave if you're an American.

Like a bank card, an AR-15,or a fat kid, okay?

All right, fine, we get it.We get it.

But what about poor peoplein urban communities?

The only vote they're allowedto cast without ID is

for the NBA all-star team.

This is when you laugh.Just 'cause they...

-(laughter) -Just 'cause can'tafford to get an ID card!

Really, Mike? It's $20!

Maybe don't spend iton grills and nail art!

-Hey, hey, hey! -How about that?-(audience groaning)

Don't you disrespect nail art,my friend.

-Just did. -It is like 80%of our economy, okay?

-If poor...-(laughter)

Yes, if poor urbanitesexpressing themselves

with flavor don't deserve a sayin our democracy, Rory,

then you obviously think

the white Republicans behindvoter ID laws deserve

to game the system.

No, Mike, it's not aboutgaming the system, okay?

If you're an active memberof our society,

you need to have an IDfor almost anything!

Why does it have to be racist?

What about the childrenof sharecroppers, huh?

-They were active.-(laughter and groaning)

Yes, they were.

But they have no legal documents

because their parentswere undocumented.

Mike, it's 2016!

How many documentlesssharecropper babies

-are still being born?-(laughter)

Where you live, on the UpperEast Side? Probably none!

I live on the Upper West Side!

-(bell dings) -Okay, gentlemen.Man, that was hot.

-Okay.-It sure was.

That noise meansit's time to switch sides

and arguethe opposite perspective.

(laughter and groaning,applause and cheering)

-Because remember...-(applause)

That's right.

Remember, we're on cable TV,and this is a mindless argument.

-Nope, I'm not doing it.-Why not?

Every single timewe do this segment,

you guys twist me around

and make me looklike I hate black people!

Mike. Mike. Mike.

Mike, when the three of us wentto counseling together...

-(laughter)-...what did Dr. Tanner say?

-To trust Larry and Rory.-Mm-hmm.

They're sorry,and they won't hurt me again?

That's right,and that's real, my brother.

That (bleep) is real.

I... I love you, Mike Yard.

Um, let's just do a great secondhalf of this segment, okay?

-Yeah.-(laughter)

-All right, fine.-All right. Great.

Okay, now, Rory will now beagainst voter ID laws,

and Mike will try to undo 300years of progress for blacks.

-Ready?-Sounds good. Let's do it.

-Okay.-But... but Dr. Tanner said...

-And begin!-(bleep) my life.

-Mm. -Ugh.-(laughter)

All right, I guess

voter ID laws are an importantsafeguard against fraud

because one foundation ofa solid democracy is believing

that the process is fair.

Wow! Look, anti-black-rightsadvocate Mike Yard

has really reacheda new low here, okay?

-Ooh!-(laughter)

While you're at it, Mike,

why not just repealthe 15th amendment, huh?

-Oh, my God!-(audience groaning)

Oh, my God! Look, what I'm beingforced to argue here

is for a more legit process

so people will stop accusingblack people of election fraud!

What self-hatingAfrican-American Mike Yard

forgets is voter ID lawslaws don't just affect blacks--

-about whom he doesn't care.-Huh?!

Look, they also hurtthe elderly, the infirm,

students and poor peopleof every race.

Oh, really? So then whydo tons of studies show

that in stateswith strict voter ID laws,

minority voter turnout hassteadily increased since '96?

And is often higher

than the participationamong white voters? Hmm?

(audience groaning)

I-I didn't know that. Um...

-(laughter)-That's what I thought.

I actually kind of wish I hadthat when I was on that side.

-I didn't know.-Mm-hmm.

-Wow. Wow, Mike. Man!-That was good.

You... you may have just won.

That, uh, that statisticis, uh...

-What?!-(cheering, whooping, applause)

-I have to say...-That's really hard.

-that is really, really, reallyhard to argue against. -What?!

(bleep)! That's right, baby!

That's right!Try to throw me under the bus.

(bleep)

-Yeah. -'Causeif citizens don't believe

that their leaderis elected fairly,

they start saying stuff like,"He's not my president!"

O-Okay, okay, so Obama'snot your president, Mike, huh?

-How did you get that?!-Whoa, whoa, yeah, Mike,

what the (bleep), man?

-I didn't...-I was just with President Obama

this week,and he didn't (bleep) on you.

-Wha... Oh, my God!-Man!

I don't know, audience.I mean, I guess Mike and I

are just different, okay?

I mean, you know, I wanteveryone to be able to vote,

-regardless of race, (bleep)-That's some bull (bleep).

gender, religion or sex...I mean, who's with me?

-Huh? Come on! -(bell clangs)-(cheering, applause)

Okay, there we go,that's the end of the round.

And the winner is...

-Rory!-Yeah! Whoo!

-(applause) -Yeah!-Whoo!

Because Mike hatesthe first black president.

-Wow!-Sorry, Mike.

Hey-hey, Larry,now that you're, uh, -Yes?

like, best friendswith the president, maybe, like,

me, you and Obama can go outand do some black stuff?

-Nah, I don't think so.-All right, cool. Thank you.

-All right, this has been-Can I just go home?

another pointless episodeof "Pardon the Integration."

Mike Yard and Rory Albanese,everybody!

-Can I go home?-We'll be right back.

-Can I please go home?-(cheering)

Hey, welcome back.I'm here with my panel.

First up, Nightly Show contributor Mike Yard.

(whooping)

And Nightly Show contributorRobin Thede.

-Hi!-(cheering, applause)

And welcome back actress,comedian and producer

for BuzzFeed, Quinta Brunson.

-Hey. What's up?-(cheering, applause)

And for everyone at home,join our conversation right now

on Twitter @NightlyShowusing the hashtag #Tonightly.

Okay, so, President Obama hasbeen pushing for an appreciation

of his legacy lately, sayinghe has a perception problem.

He... Obama said...

Okay, the fact is thatin fact they have declined.

-BRUNSON: Right.-And it seems like the public

can't give a brother creditwhere credit is due,

-Mm-hmm.-is what it seems like.

So, why do you thinkthere's such a disconnect

with Obama's accomplishmentsin office?

-He's handsome.-Really?

Yeah. That's what it is.He's just handsome.

-Too charismatic?-Yeah, he's too charismatic,

He's handsome, he's got a wife,he's got kids, he's got it all--

people don't want to give himall of the credit.

-Yeah. -I mean,that is one thing that he did

that was...he should get the credit for.

But, in all fairness,there are some other things

that haven't been done, so...

-Yeah. -people areusing those against him.

So they're trying to... It lookslike he has it all together,

-so they're trying to give himsome problems? -Yeah. Yeah.

He's likethe really hot guy at school

who's also a jockwho's also good at theater--

-it's too much.-YARD: Yeah. -(laughter)

You know, I think... I thinkhe just doesn't brag enough.

You know, it's, like, GeorgeBush would put a banner up,

"Mission Accomplished."You know? It's, like...

He was like,"Heck of a job, Brownie!"

-Right. -He would justcongratulate people

before stuff was even done.

You know, and it's, like,Obama's just like,

"I... killed Osama bin Laden.What's for breakfast?"

You know what I mean?It's just, like,

you can't just move on.It's, like, "Wait-wait, what?"

-Yep. -Yeah.-You know? It's, like,

you got to get your props,you got to let people know.

Like, if I can sayone good thing about Trump--

ugh!-- it's thatthat fool knows how to brag.

He's like, "I'm the best!I'm the best at everything."

-Very true.-And people buy it.

-Yeah. That is true. -You gotto be your own best marketing...

You got to beyour own hype man sometimes.

YARD: That's whatI think Barack Obama needs.

He needs to stopwith this corny introduction.

"Ladies and gentlemen, thePresident of the United States."

-He needs to do it like Def Jam.-Yeah!

He needs to havesomebody out there like,

-(shouting):"Ladies and gentlemen, -I agree.

-"this brother here...-I agree.

-"has reduced the deficit,-(whooping, cheering)

-"killed Osama bin Laden!-(applause) -I agree.

"Give it up for your man...

-"my man...-I agree. I agree.

Barack...!"That's what he needs.

-That's what he need.-Then he comes out...

Exactly. And he needsto come out with ba...

(imitates blaring speakers)

-He needs all of that.-I think that's why Barack

-likes rap so much. It's notbecause he's black. -Yes!

It's because these rappers--they get to say everything

that he actually can't.Like, when Kendrick and them

mention his name he's like,"Hell, yeah, got one. Got one!"

-Like...-YARD: He needs a theme song.

-Let's (bleep)-- maybesomething like that. -Yeah.

-Yeah. -(bleep), yeah.-Yeah.

-That's what he did, ain't it?-I agree. Yeah. I agree.

-What-what do you think...-Google that song, guys.

-It's good. -A great song.-What do you think'll be the...

I know. What do you think'llbe viewed most favorably

from his administration?What do you think

would be viewedthe most unfavorably?

-That he was the firstblack president. -Yeah.

-You think that fact alone?-Favorably, yes.

First black president. Uh,once again, the handsome thing.

-I mean...-YARD: Somebody got a crush.

-Handsome. He's handsome.-Why don't you just marry him?

-Somebody got a crush on Barack.-He's devastatingly...

-Do you have a crush on Barack?-I got a crush on him.

Exactly, absolutely.

When he come out,sometimes I'll be all, aah!

-He's adorable. Let's be real.-He's adorable. He's adorable.

Time out-- can I justtalk about that move?

-Dudes always do that nippletwisting thing. -Yes.

A woman has never done that,by the way. For the record,

-a woman has never done that.-I... I have never said

-that a woman did it. I did it.-Oh, okay, that's fair. Anyway.

Do you think the Middle Eastis gonna be held against him

and the wars over there?

I don't think peoplereally care about that.

-I don't think so, either.-THEDE: People aren't informed.

Yeah, I was about to say,no one cares.

-Exactly. -It's not a goodthing, but people don't care.

-They have no idea what'sgoing on. -They don't know.

And trust me, it was way worse,what was going on over there

-when he came in than it is now.-Sure. -I was about to say

I think he came in at a timewhere it was like...

he promoted, like, change,Obama, change. But it's like,

George Bush messedeverything up so bad,

it should have been like,"Obama:

I can fix some stuff up."You know what I mean?

Like, I can do some stuff.And it might not be crazy,

but I can do some something.-Sure. -Right.

-I can do better than that.-Yeah.

-Yeah.-Exactly.

I don't understand--when people say Obama's

the worst president ever,like, some people say...

-Who says that? That's crazy.-I hear that out there.

And some people say ourcountry's in the worst shape

and, you know, all these...

Where does thatsentiment come from?

-THEDE: Oh, I know what that is.-YARD: From Republicans?

Yeah, no, it's not justRepublicans. It's-it's people

running for president.These politicians on the right

and the leftare gonna say, of course,

America's in the crapperand it's Obama's fault

because they want to look likethey can be the ones to fix it.

But, I mean, what are theysupposed to say, though?

I feel like some people...I just have to be honest,

some people are like,"Oh, he was the worst"

because they can't say,"He was the blackest."

-THEDE: Yeah. That's true.-Like, I mean, because, like,

he's not reallythe worst president ever.

How soon-how soon do you thinkit'll be before we see

another black presidentor person of color?

-Kanye 2020.-Kanye...

That is not gonna happen.

Do you think it'll happen againin our lifetime?

-I don't... -I think...-Or is it not gonna be

-any big deal anymore? Has...-I don't think... I don't think

it's gonna be a big deal.Look, we're about to probably

elect a womanthat nobody likes. So...

Oh, stop it. Stop it.

-How hard would it be fora Mexican to win? -Stop it.

-Let's be real.-Stop it.

-How... What's her approvalrating? -Wait, wait...

If no one liked her,she would not be...

I'm just sayingwho's next in line?

It's gonna be Hispanic.That's our next president.

-You think so? -Yeah, that's ournext president. -I think

-that'd be cool.-That'd be great.

That's our nextpresident of color, yeah.

So it's not gonna be hardif we're gonna vote in Hillary.

Half... most peopledon't like Hillary.

-Check the approval rating.-I think... I think

this audience may say a Germanmay be the next president.

(cheering)

We just have a lot of Germansin our audience tonight.

Yeah, Germans!Person of color...

-(cheering, applause) -That'sall they were waiting for.

They're ready.They have a female leader,

-they know what's up. -Yeah,they have a female leader.

-Yup. -Angela Merkel, exactly.They did it.

Do they like her?

-Do you guys like her?-No?

(scattered booing)-Yea... No? -Ah, see?

Oh, man.

-They're like, "No!"-No.

-But we did it!-But she's there! -Exactly.

But we're moreprogressive than you.

-Okay. -It's true,it's true, you are.

All right, we'll be right backright after this.

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