CC Presents: Todd Barry

  • 07/23/1999

( audience applauding )

THIS CITY HAS CHANGED

AND WE HAVE K-MART NOWIN NEW YORK CITY.

SOME NEW YORKERS WERE PISSED OFFWHEN K-MART CAME TO TOWN.

THEY WERE OUTSIDE THE STOREPROTESTING.

THEY DIDN'T EVEN KNOWWHAT TO SAY.

THEY WERE LIKE,"DOWN WITH K-MART

AND THEIR MERCHANDISETHAT PEOPLE CAN AFFORD."

"DOWN WITH K-MARTAND THEIR 300-GALLON DRUM

"OF LAUNDRY DETERGENTFOR 99 CENTS.

"WHY DON'T YOU GO TAKE YOURGOOD VALUES TO ANOTHER TOWN?

"LET'S TURN THAT BUILDINGINTO A VINTAGE CLOTHING STORE.

THE KIND THAT SELLSUSED K-MART SHIRTS FOR $700."

I LIKE THE BIG BOOKSTORESWE HAVE IN TOWN.

THE BARNES AND NOBLE,THE BORDERS?

THEY HAVE THE LOWEST PRESSURESALES STAFF ON EARTH.

YOU CAN GO IN THEREAND PULL TEN BOOKS OFF THE SHELF

GO, "HEY, WHERE DO I PAYFOR THESE?"

"PAY FOR THEM? READ THEM HERE."

THESE BOOKSTORES ARE TOO BIG.

THEY HAVE SHELVES THEY DON'TEVEN KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH.

THEY HAVE THE EMPLOYEERECOMMENDATION SHELF.

"OH, GOLLY, I DON'T KNOWWHAT BOOK TO GET. HMM...

"HOW ABOUT SEVEN HABITS OF HIGHLY EFFECTIVE PEOPLE

AS RECOMMENDEDBY JIMMY THE STOCK CLERK."

"OH, LET'S SEE.

"JIMMY WROTE ON THIS LITTLE CARD

"THAT HE BOUGHT THIS BOOK,AND QUOTE:

"'TURNED HIS WHOLE LIFE AROUND.'

"WHAT WAS HE DOING BEFOREHE READ THE BOOK?

JIMMY, WHAT WAS GOING ONWITH YOU, MAN?"

THEY SELL BOOK LIGHTS NOW.

BOOK LIGHTS-- A LITTLE SPOTLIGHTYOU ATTACH TO YOUR BOOK.

YOU KNOW, I ACTUALLY THOUGHTOF BUYING ONE OF THESE

AND THEN I REMEMBERED,"I OWN A LAMP."

THE BODY SHOP? OH, MY GOD.

THAT IS THE PERFECT

LAST MINUTE-THOUGHTLESS-GIFTWAREHOUSE.

YOU CAN SHOP THEREWITH YOUR EYES CLOSED AND...

( mumbling )

"GRAPEFRUIT BATH GEL."

LET'S SEE, MY MOM EATSGRAPEFRUIT; SHE BATHES. BOOM.

NICE BOTTLE.NO NEED TO BUY WRAPPING PAPER.

TOTAL SHOPPING TIME:NINE SECONDS.

BUT IF YOU'RE GOINGTO SEND SOMEONE A PRESENT

SEND IT FEDERAL EXPRESS.

OH, MY GOD,THEY'RE UNBELIEVABLE.

YOU CALL UP FED-EX, LIKE

"HI, I HAVE SOMETHINGI WANT DELIVERED.

"IT'S THERE ALREADY?

"I HAVEN'T EVEN PUT ITIN THE BOX YET.

"NO, I'M ACTUALLY LOOKING AT ITRIGHT NOW.

"IT'S ON MY KITCHEN TABLE.

"I'M LOOK...OH, MY GOD, IT'S GONE.

"THAT WAS GOOD WORK.

"WHAT? MY DAD LIKES THE SWEATER?

"HE'S TRYING IT ON.

"IT'S TOO BIG ON HIM?

"YOU'RE GOING TO FLY HIMTO MACY'S TO EXCHANGE IT?

BUT THE RECEIPT, IT SAID...OH, THANK YOU."

THIS FRIEND OF MINE TOLD METO GET QUICKEN FOR MY COMPUTER.

HE'S LIKE,"TODD, YOU GOT TO GET QUICKEN.

"LOOK, MAN, I MAKE GRAPHSOF MY FINANCES.

"WOW! IF I AM READING THISPIE-GRAPH CORRECTLY

"LOOKS LIKE YOU SPENT HALFOF LAST YEAR'S SALARY

"ON THE QUICKEN SOFTWARE.

"AND THIS BAR GRAPH SENDSTHE MESSAGE LOUD AND CLEAR:

YOU HAVE SEVEN BUCKSIN YOUR CHECKING ACCOUNT."

I TELL YOU, TO SEE SOMEONE'SPOVERTY IN FULL VIVID COLOR...

IT'S A BEAUTIFUL THING.

SO I GOT INVITED TO A PARTYRECENTLY.

I THINK IT'S GOING TO BEA CRAZY, CRAZY PARTY

BECAUSE THE HOURS ARE LISTEDON THE INVITATION

AS "9:00 TILL ?"

OOH... WHEN IS IT GOING TO END?

"MAMA, I DON'T KNOW WHENTO TELL YOU TO COME GET ME."

ANY TIME YOU SEE"9:00 TILL ?"

GENERALLY, THE ANSWERTO THE QUESTION IS 9:15.

PEOPLE GET CHATTYIN PUBLIC RESTROOMS.

IT'S UNBELIEVABLE.

I WAS STANDING AT A URINALRECENTLY.

THE GUY NEXT TO ME STARTSA MID-STREAM CONVERSATION.

HE'S STANDING THERE.HE'S LIKE...

( making whizzing noise )

"HEY, HOW'S IT GOING?

"WHEW!

TOO MUCH DIET PEPSI AT DINNER."

AND IT WAS AWKWARD, YOU KNOW

BECAUSE I WAS JUST ABOUTTO ASK HIM

"HEY, BUDDY, WHAT BEVERAGEBROUGHT YOU IN HERE TODAY?"

MY FAVORITE MEN'S ROOMICEBREAKER...

TOTALLY SHOT DOWN.

KILLING THE SOCIAL EVENTOF THE '90s FOR ME.

I WENT OUT ON A FIRST DATERECENTLY.

I LEARNED A VALUABLE LESSON:

IF YOU'RE OUT ON A FIRST DATE

AND YOU'RE AT THE MOVIESAND A LOVE SCENE COMES ON

DON'T TURN TO YOUR DATE AND GO,"BABY, THAT'S US IN TWO HOURS."

'CAUSE I WENT TO BED ALONETHAT NIGHT...

AND IT WAS A DIFFERENT KINDOF LOVE SCENE.

THAT WAS THE FIRST OF TWOSCHEDULED MASTURBATION JOKES.

SOME GUYS GO CRAZYWITH THE MASTURBATION.

I WAS READING THIS ARTICLEON THIS THING

"AUTOEROTICA ASPHYXIATION"?

SOME GUYS ACTUALLY CHOKETHEMSELVES WITH A BELT

WHILE THEY'RE DOING IT.

I READ, LIKE, 800 MEN A YEAR DIEFROM DOING THIS.

I WAS, LIKE, "NO WAY, NOT 800."

THEN I REMEMBERED HOW MANY TIMESI'VE NEARLY KILLED MYSELF...

WITH JUST CONVENTIONALMASTURBATION.

JUST REGULAR OLDMEAT-AND-POTATOES...

MOM-AND-POP...

MISSIONARY POSITION...

MASTURBATION HAS ALMOST SENT ME

TO THAT LONELY LITTLE RAMADA INNROOM IN THE SKY.

I TRAVEL A LOT.

I'VE MASTURBATEDAT EVERY HOTEL CHAIN

AND I'M HERE TO TELL YOU

RAMADA INNS...

ARE THE BEST HOTELSTO MASTURBATE IN.

AND NO, I'M NOT BEING PAIDTO SAY THAT.

SO PEOPLE SAY TO MEALL THE TIME

"TODD, YOU'RE IN SHOW BUSINESS.

YOU'RE SINGLE.YOU'RE ADORABLE... "

I'M JUST TELLING YOUWHAT PEOPLE SAY TO ME.

DON'T KILL THE MESSENGERON THIS ONE.

PEOPLE SAY TO ME, "TODD,YOU MUST GET LAID CONSTANTLY."

WELL, PERHAPS I DO.

BUT I'M NOT ONEFOR HERO STORIES.

I HAVE FRIENDS WHO TELL HEROSTORIES, MAN, ABOUT ANYTHING.

I WAS AT A BARWITH A FRIEND OF MINE.

THIS WOMAN WALKS BY.

HE GOES, "OH, I KNOW THAT WOMAN.

SHE GIVES THE WORLD'S FASTESTHAND-JOBS."

"THE WORLD'S FASTEST HAND-JOBS"?

I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE IF SHE GIVESTHE WORLD'S BEST

YOU CAN FILL ME IN,BUT I DON'T NEED TO KNOW

ABOUT THE CHEETAHOF THE HAND-JOB KINGDOM.

SO APPLAUD IF YOU HAVEEVER BEEN TO

OR ARE CURRENTLY WORKINGAS A PROSTITUTE.

( scattered applause )

SERIOUSLY? GOSH.

PROSTITUTIONSHOULD BE LEGALIZED.

THEY ADVERTISEIN THE YELLOW PAGES.

THEY DO.

LOOK IN THE YELLOW PAGES.

YOU SEE ADS FOR ESCORT SERVICES,MASSAGE PARLORS.

AND THEY HAVE SLOGANSJUST LIKE ANY OTHER BUSINESS.

I SAW ONE THAT SAID

"WE GIVE THE BEST SERVICE.NO HIDDEN CHARGES."

WHAT KIND OF HIDDEN CHARGES

ARE YOU GOING TO GETFROM A PROSTITUTE?

GUY'S GOING TO GET HIS BILL,"ALL RIGHT, $100 FOR SEX.

"$50 FOR RUST-PROOFING?

"HEY, SUNSHINE,CAN YOU COME HERE A SECOND?

"I HATE TO CALL YOU ON THIS.

"ESPECIALLY SINCE I'M STANDINGHERE IN A PROM DRESS...

"AND I'M THE MAYOROF THIS HERE TOWN...

"BUT I THINK I'VE FOUNDONE OF THEM HIDDEN CHARGES.

"NOW, I WILL PAY FOR THE SEX.

"YOU KNOW WHAT? I'LL EVEN PAYFOR THE COLLISION INSURANCE

"BUT YOU MUST TAKETHAT OTHER THING OFF THE BILL

"OR I'LL ASK TO SPEAKTO YOUR MANAGER.

OKAY."

I TOOK OUT THE BOX OF CONDOMS.

SHE TAKES THE BOX FROM MY HAND.

LOOKS AT IT AND GOES,"HEY, TODD, GOOD CHOICE.

GOOD CHOICE."

NOW I DIDN'T EXPECT HERTO BE A VIRGIN...

BUT THIS IS NO TIMETO SHOW BRAND LOYALTY.

I WAS WAITING FOR HER TO BREAKINTO A TESTIMONIAL OR SOMETHING.

"TODD, SIT DOWN.

"LET ME TELL YOU A LITTLE BITABOUT THE CONDOM YOU SELECTED.

"TODD, THIS IS A TROJANLUBRICATOR

"WITH THE RESERVOIR TIP.

"I THINK IT'S THE BEST CONDOMMADE, TODD, AND I SHOULD KNOW

"BECAUSE I SLEEP WITH THOUSANDSOF DIFFERENT GUYS

EACH AND EVERY YEAR."

AND WHAT IS THE DEALWITH THE RESERVOIR TIP, HUH?

RESERVOIR.

ISN'T THAT A LITTLE GRANDIOSETERM FOR A...

QUARTER-INCH PLASTIC BUBBLE?

IT'S LIKE, "OH, HONEY,I HOPE IT DOESN'T BREAK.

I DON'T WANT TO CONTAMINATETHE GROUNDWATER."

DAMN.

I'VE GOT A THEATERFULL OF GEOLOGISTS TONIGHT.

THAT'S GOOD.

I SAW A GUY BUYING A THREE-PACKOF CONDOMS RECENTLY.

A THREE-PACK.

I NEED A 12-PACK FOR ONE NIGHT.I DO.

BECAUSE YOU KNOW NINE OF THEM

ARE GOING TO GO FLYINGACROSS THE ROOM...

IN NINE SEPARATE ANGRY HURLS.

Man:ISRAEL.

( laughter )

SO "NO" WOULD HAVE BEENTHE ANSWER?

WAIT A SECOND.

DID YOU SAY YOU'RE FROM NORWAY?

ARE YOU REALLY?

YOU'RE NOT SAYING THAT'CAUSE YOU KNOW ME?

YOU KNOW I'M STARTING A 22-MONTHNORWEGIAN TOUR, DON'T YOU?

SERIOUSLY.

WHAT CITY ARE YOU FROMIN NORWAY?

UM, ABOUT AN HOUR AWAYFROM OSLO.

IT'S A SMALL TOWN.

WHAT'S THE SMALL TOWN?

I'M GOING TO BE THERE 22 MONTHS.

IT'S CALLED STOKYA.

"STOKYA"? YOU'RE NOT GOINGTO BELIEVE THIS.

SERIOUSLY, THAT'S WHERE I'MSTARTING MY NORWEGIAN TOUR.

JUNE FIRST, SECOND AND THIRD

I'M GOING TO BEIN STOKYA, NORWAY

AT THE STOKYA CIVIC VETERAN'SWAR MEMORIAL COLISEUM.

ARE YOU GOINGTO COME TOTHOSE SHOWS?

SURE.

NO, THEY'RESOLD OUT.

DON'T GET ALL NORWEGIANCOCKY ON ME.

WHAT'S ANOTHER CITYAROUND THERE?

BECAUSE YOU SEEM NICE.

I'D LIKE YOU TO SHOW UPIN NORWAY.

KRISTIANSAND.

"CRYSTALSAND."

KRISTIANSAND.

"CRYSTALSAND."

WHAT NORWEGIAN TOURWOULD BE COMPLETE...

WITHOUT SEVEN SHOWS A NIGHTAT THE CRYSTALSAND CIVIC...

CONCERT ARTS, CONCERT ARTS...

ARTITORIUM?

YOU GOING TO COME TO THOSE?

ABSOLUTELY.

PLENTY OF TICKETSSTILL AVAILABLE.

THERE'S ALSO A RADIO STATIONCONTEST THERE.

YOU CAN WIN-- SERIOUSLY--FREE TICKETS, BACKSTAGE PASSES

AND A CHANCE TO MEET ME.

IS THERE A RAMADA INN THERE?

OH, MAN.

THAT WORKED PERFECTLY.

THAT WASN'T EVEN SET UP, PEOPLE.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY STILL FINDPEOPLE TO GO ON THAT SHOW, MAN.

I WAS TALKING TO A GUYWHO SAID HE'D GO ON THAT SHOW

'CAUSE HE COULD PUT ITON HIS RESUME.

CAN YOU IMAGINE PUTTING THE REAL WORLD ON YOUR RESUME?

THAT WOULD BACKFIRERIGHT IN YOUR FACE.

TEN YEARS DOWN THE LINEYOU'RE AT A JOB INTERVIEW.

GUY'S, LIKE,"OH, YOU WERE ON THE REAL WORLD.

"YEAH, I USEDTO WATCH THAT SHOW.

"HEY, WAIT A SECOND.YOU LOOK FAMILIAR.

"YOU'RE THE GUY

"WHO WOULDN'T LENDBECKY THE SHAMPOO.

"WHAT WAS YOUR PROBLEM, MAN?

"SHE HAD A BLIND DATE.

"YOU'RE NOT REALLYA TEAM PLAYER, ARE YOU?

I'M SORRY, BUT WE NEEDTEAM PLAYERS HERE AT WAL-MART."

I LIKE MUSIC.

I DON'T LIKETHE MUSIC AWARD SHOWS.

THOSE GRAMMY AWARDS, MAN?

IT'S ALWAYS FAMOUS BANDSTHAT WIN THOSE.

YOU NEVER SEE SOME POOR,STRUGGLING, UNKNOWN GARAGE BAND

WIN ONE OF THOSE.

THAT'D BE NICE, HUH?

AND THE ALBUM OF THE YEARGOES TO...

THE CHEESE WILLIES.

THEY COULDN'T MAKE ITHERE TONIGHT

'CAUSE THEIR VAN BROKE DOWN.

THEIR MANAGER WAS TO ACCEPTTHE AWARD FOR THEM

BUT HE COULDN'TGET THE NIGHT OFF

AT THE VIDEO ARCADE.

THE ONLY REASON TO WATCHTHE GRAMMIES IS SOMETIME

THE BANDS GET A LITTLE FANCY,YOU KNOW?

I REMEMBER WATCHING ONCE.

GUNS 'N' ROSES WAS ON PLAYINGWITH A FULL ORCHESTRA.

GUNS 'N' ROSES WASN'T USINGSHEET MUSIC

BUT THE ORCHESTRA WAS.

SLASH CAN REMEMBER THE TUNE

BUT THE FIRST VIOLA PLAYERFOR THE LONDON PHILHARMONIC

IS HAVING A LITTLE TROUBLE.

"WHAT'S THIS? 'A'?

"OVER TO 'A' MINOR?

"WHEW! WHOA, BACK TO 'A.'

"CURVEBALL!

MY 50 YEARS OF TRAININGDID NOT PREPARE ME FOR THIS."

THAT'S A GOOD THING.

YEAH, I'M A MILITANTANTI-SMOKER. I AM.

I DON'T EVEN LET PEOPLE SMOKEIN MY APARTMENT.

I SHOULD REPHRASE THAT.

I DON'T LET MEN SMOKEIN MY APARTMENT.

IF I HAVE A WOMAN OVER,SHE CAN BARBECUE A GOAT

SET OFF BOTTLE ROCKETS

LIGHT THESE AMAZINGLITTLE CHEST HAIRS ON FIRE.

I DON'T REALLY CARE.

GOD BLESS HER FOR SHOWING UP.

YOU KNOW WHO GETSA LOT OF WOMEN?

BRAD PITT. OH, MY GOD.

WOMEN LOVE BRAD PITT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I HEARDABOUT BRAD PITT?

I HEARD BRAD PITT AIN'TA BIG FAN OF TAKING SHOWERS.

I HEARD THIS ON HARD COPY

SO IT'S NOT LIKE I'MJUST BLURTING SOMETHING OUT

IRRESPONSIBLY.

LET ME SURVEYTHE WOMEN HERE TONIGHT.

HOW MANY WOMEN WOULDRATHER HAVE SEX

WITH A DIRTY, FILTHY, STINKY,SMELLY, DISGUSTING BRAD PITT

THAN A FRESHLY SCRUBBEDTODD BARRY?

OH, MY GOD.

THAT WASN'T EVEN CLOSE.

I JUST WON THATBY A TOTAL LANDSLIDE.

DID ANY WOMAN HERE CHOOSEBRAD PITT?

SERIOUSLY, RAISE YOUR HAND.

( scattered applause and cheers )

DID YOU REALLY?

OH, MY GOD.

WHAT IS YOUR NAME?

JENNY.

"JENNY." OKAY, JENNY.

I'M GOING TO HAVETO THINK ON MY TOES NOW

'CAUSE THIS HASNEVER HAPPENED BEFORE.

LET'S SAY BRAD PITTHASN'T SHOWERED

IN A YEAR AND A HALF.

THEN HE RUNSTHE BOSTON MARATHON.

AFTER HE COMES ACROSSTHE FINISH LINE

HE TRIPS AND FALLS

INTO A GIANT PILEOF PIG ( bleep ).

ME, ON THE OTHER HAND,JENNY...

I'VE TAKEN A SHOWER

I PUT SOME LOVELY DEODORANT ON

I DEEP-CONDITIONED MY HAIR...

AND THEN I WALKEDTHROUGH A CAR WASH.

JENNY, WHO DO YOU SELECT NOW?

YOU.

THANK YOU, JENNY.

JENNY, I ADMIREYOUR INITIAL HONESTY

IN CHOOSING BRAD PITT.

AND MY HUNCH IS

THERE'S, LIKE, MAYBE TWOOTHER WOMEN HERE TONIGHT

WHO WOULD CHOOSE BRAD PITTOVER ME

AND I'VE ONE THING TO SAYTO THOSE WOMEN.

BRAD PITT WILLNEVER ( bleep ) YOU.

ON THE OTHER HAND...

I MIGHT.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, FOLKS.

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