Andy Woodhull describes the perks of marrying a single mom, getting lice from his stepchildren, female farts and the time his dog ate all his condoms.
If there'sany single moms here tonight.
If you want to know if yourboyfriend's ready to marry you,
all you have to dois do what my wife did
and have your kidsgive your boyfriend lice.
That's how you know it's real.
She called me up, and she said,"You might have lice."
I wish she wouldhave been calling
to tell me that I had a STD.
At least... at least thenI could go to the doctor
and get some medicine.
I-I don't know evenwhat to do about lice.
Do... do I have to find
an elementary schoolto get tested at?
do I have to bustinto a front office
and be like, "Somebody get mea school nurse, stat!
"Have her check me for scoliosiswhile she's at it.
"It's been a while
"since my last checkup.
"This elementary schooltake Obamacare?
"That's what I'm working with.
"We got the gold package.
"We went all in, full subsidy.
Who knows what happensto our taxes?"
Here's what I really had to do.
I had to call my friendwho was on the road with me
and say, "Hey, man,would you come over
to my hotel room for a minute?"
And he said, "What for?"
And I said, "Well,
"I was hoping that you
"would comb my hair for a while.
"was hoping you wouldreally carefully comb my hair.
"Maybe pick through itwith a number 2 pencil,
"if you have one handy.
"And then when you're done,I'd like for you to shampoo me.
Would you mindlathering me up, friend?"
It says on the bottleof the lice shampoo
that you shouldn'tapply it to yourself.
It says that on the bottle.
How many of you thinkthat you have a friend
who would bea good enough friend
they would come over
and shampoo the parasitesout of your hair?
I can tell you from experiencethat I have zero friends
that are that good of a friend.
All my friends are like,"Hey, man.
"Couldn't I justlook at your dick?
Let you know if it looks weirdor something?"
The kids make me laugh a ton.
My two little girls.I love 'em so much.
They make me laugh constantly.
The younger one had a cold,so we gave her a little NyQuil.
And she came in our roomabout an hour later,
and she said, "Mommy,
my imagination is scaring me."
"That meansthe NyQuil's working perfectly.
"Do you know how tough it is
"to catch a buzz off NyQuiland not fall asleep?
"You've achievedsomething at ten
"that I struggle to doas a grown man.
"I'm gonna doa couple shots myself,
"see if I can't goon this journey with you.
"Tell me again how many unicorns
"were huntingthe fairy princess.
"I'm gonna saddle up,
"get my magic bow and arrow,
"meet youin the enchanted forest.
This is a daddy/daughter event,right now."
You do have to be careful
what you laugh at,though, around kids.
That's something thatI've learned the hard way.
Be careful what you laugh ataround kids.
Kids love to make you laugh,and they have zero integrity
about coming upwith new material.
They find something that works,and they run it into the ground.
The biggest onein our house is farting.
I wish I wouldn't have laughed
the first timeI heard them fart out loud.
And I was not prepared
for the soundof a little girl fart.
I was... I thought...I thought a little girl fart
would be sweet, I really did.
I thought it would be likea kazoo or something.
Or a slide whistle.
I thought... I thoughtit would be a whimsical noise.
That is not the realityof that situation.
These two little girlsfart like my grandpa farted
when he was in the nursing home
and didn't even knowthat he was farting anymore.
gas would escape from his body,
and then the sound andthe vibration would startle him.
He would go,"Oh, God, what was that?
"Are we backin the war right now?
"I smell sulfur.
There must be incoming."