Mohr, Henley, Hedberg, Yard

  • Season 1, Ep 11
  • 12/02/2004

Vic Henley explains why George W. Bush should embrace his image, and Mitch Hedberg says America's Forest Service should rethink using Smokey Bear as a mascot.

(Nick Dipaola)TRYIN' TOLOSE SOME WEIGHT...

AND MY BUDDY SAYSTO ME, "UHH, BESTWAY TO LOSE WEIGHT--

DON'T EAT AFTER7:00 O'CLOCK."

WELL, THAT'S GOOD IF YOUGO TO BED AFTER "JEOPARDY."

WHAT IF YOU KEEP THE HOURSOF A CRACK WHORE LIKE I DO?

BY MIDNIGHT, I'MEYEING MY CAT

WITH A BOTTLE OFA1 AND A STEAK KNIFE.

AND I'M--ISTHIS LOW CARB?

(cat screaming)

YOU WANNA KEEPYOUR WEIGHT DOWN?

DO WHAT I DO.

GET FOOD POISONINGTHREE TIMES A YEAR.

I GOT FOOD POISONINGA MONTH AGO.

STAY AWAY FROM THE TUNAFISH AT LAGUARDIA AIRPORT.

I ATE, LIKE, THREEOF THESE SANDWICHES,

THEN I REALIZED THEYMADE 'EM TO CELEBRATE

THE OPENING OFLAGUARDIA, 1946.

I'M LIKE, THESEARE DELICIOUS!

ABOUT TWO HOURSLATER I THOUGHT I WAS

MISCARRYINGSATAN'S CHILD.

I'M SWEATIN' LIKE ACATHOLIC PRIEST AT ALITTLE LEAGUE GAME.

I DON'T LIKE THROWING UP.

I THROW UP VIOLENTLY,YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I GRAB THE SIDEOF THE TOILET.

MY FEET COME OFF THEGROUND FIVE, SIX FEET.

AFTER TWO MINUTES, I'MDOING A PERFECT HEADSTAND.

I'VE GOT VEGETABLESFLYING OUT

OF MY (bleep)ING EYE SOCKETS.

I LOOK LIKE AN UPSIDEDOWN SALAD SHOOTER.

THE BEST THING ABOUTFOOD POISONING--

YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'REIN SHAPE FOR THE NEXTTWO DAYS, RIGHT?

YOU'RE ALL DEHYDRATED.

HEY, I'M RIPPED, I'MCUT UP, YOU KNOW?

MY FRIEND'S LIKE...

NICK, YOU BEENGOIN' TO THE GYM?

NO, I BEEN GOIN' TOTERMINAL D, AT CONTINENTAL.

(Nick)I KNOW ANOBNOXIOUS BABY

WHO COULD USE A LITTLEFOOD POISONING.

BITE ME.THAT'S YOUR PROBLEM.

EVERYTHING GOESBACK TO EATING.

YOU SURE YOU KNOWWHICH SUBWAY GOESTO THE BRONX ZOO?

YEAH, IKNOW WHERE TO GO.

YOU TAKE THE NUMBERFIVE UPTOWN.

WE JUST GOTTA MAKESURE WE GET OFF BEFORE

WE RUN INTO AFARRAKHAN RALLY.

AND WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

YEAH, TAKE YOUR PICK.

I'D SAY IT'S EITHERTRUMP'S APPRENTICE

OR MARTHA STEWART.

♪♪

(Patrice)AAAAAH, BEAUTIFUL.

THAT'S PAGANINI'SCAPRICE #24!

(Nick)WHAT THE HELL DO YOUKNOW ABOUT PAGANINI?

I ALWAYS LISTEN TONEO-ROMANTICISM,

WHENEVER I'MDOING A BONG HIT.

THIS IS OURTRAIN... C'MON.

HEY...

(Nick)DON'T FORGET TOTAKE CARE OF

ITZHAK PERLMAN OVER THERE.

(Nick)AREN'T ZOOS SUPPOSEDTO HAVE EXOTIC BIRDS

AND SNAKES AND STUFF?

WHO GIVES A DAMN?

GIVE ME ANOTHER SINGLE.

NO WAY, I'VE ALREADYGIVEN YOU $300.

(Stripper)HI, PAPEES.

YOU WANT A LAP DANCE?

ACTUALLY, WE CAME TO SEETHE CONGO GORILLA FOREST

AND THESEA LION POOL.

OH, SO YOU INTOTHE KINKY STUFF.

ALL RIGHT, FOLLOW ME, BOYS.

I KNOW JUST THE THING.

(Patrice)I PREFERTHE OTHER ROOM.

THAT ONE DANCERREALLY LIKED ME.

(Nick)OH, C'MON.

THAT'S JUST BECAUSE YOU JUSTPRACTICALLY PAID FOR HER

SON'S FIRSTYEAR AT COLLEGE.

FINALLY, WE GET TOSEE SOME ANIMALS!

FINALLY, WE GET TOSEE SOME ANIMALS!

I HOPE HE DOES TRICKS.

THIS IS THE FIRSTZOO I'VE EVER SEEN

THAT ALLOWS THE ANIMALSTO LICK WHIPPED CREAM

OFF THE TRAINER'S BOOBIES.

I LOVE THIS ZOO!

(Mitch Hedberg)ACID WAS MY FAVORITE DRUG.

WHEN WE WERE ON ACID, WEWOULD GO INTO THE WOODS,

BECAUSE IF WE WERE INTHE WOODS TRIPPING,

THERE WAS LESS LIKELY ACHANCE YOU'D RUN INTOAN AUTHORITY FIGURE.

BUT WE RAN INTO A BEAR.

THAT WAS EVEN MOREOF A BUZZKILL.

MY FRIEND DWAYNE WAS STANDINGTHERE, RAISING HIS RIGHT HAND,

SWEARING TO HELPPREVENT FOREST FIRES.

WE GOT AWAY FROM THE BEAR.

HE PUT HIS ARM AROUNDMY SHOULDER, AND SAID,

MITCHELL, SMOKEY'S WAYMORE INTENSE IN PERSON.

IN ENGLAND, SMOKEYTHE BEAR IS NOT

THE FOREST FIREPREVENTION REPRESENTATIVE.

THEY HAVESMAQUIS THE FROG.

IT'S JUST LIKE A BEAR,BUT IT'S A FROG.

AND I THINK THAT'SA BETTER SYSTEM.

I THINK WESHOULD ADOPT IT.

BECAUSE BEARS CAN BE MEAN,

BUT FROGS AREALWAYS COOL.

THERE NEVER HAS THERE BEENA FROG HOPPING TOWARD ME,

AND I THOUGHT, "MAN,I BETTER PLAY DEAD.

HERE COMES THAT FROG."

I NEVER SAID, "HERECOMES THAT FROG."

IN A HORRIFYINGMANNER.

IT'S ALWAYS OPTIMISTIC.

HEY, HERE COMESTHAT FROG.

FANTASTIC!

MAYBE HE WILLSETTLE NEAR ME.

AND I CAN PETHIM AND PUT HIM

IN A MAYONNAISE JARWITH A STICK AND A LEAF

TO RECREATE WHATHE'S USED TO.

AND I'LL CERTAINLY HAVE TOPUNCH SOME HOLES IN THE LID,

'CAUSE HE'S DAMNSURE USED TO AIR.

AND THEN I CAN OBSERVE HIM,AND HE WON'T BE DOING MUCH

IN HIS16-OUNCE WORLD.

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO BELOCKED UP IN A CAGE ALL DAY?

YEAH, WHY NOT?

IT'S A GOOD DEAL.

YOU LIVE RENT FREE, YOUGET THREE HOT MEALS A DAY,

AND IF YOU ACTDEPRESSED, THEY'LL GIVE

YOU A CHICK TO MATE WITH.

NOW, THIS SNAKEHOUSE IS FANTASTIC.

THE ONLY THING MISSINGHERE IS TONY SOPRANO

GIVING ANNABELLA SCIORRATHE HIGH HARD ONE.

ON YOUR LEFT IS THEBURMESE PYTHON.

THESE SNAKES CAN GROWAS LARGE AS 25 FEET

AND HAVE A LIFESPAN OF 43 YEARS.

(Patrice)43 YEARS?

THAT'S LONGER THANTHE LIFE SPAN

OF THE AVERAGE NEGROIN NEW YORK CITY.

I'M GONNA GET OUTLIVEDBY A DAMN SNAKE?

(Mike Yard)WE GOT BLACK PEOPLELOSING OUR MINDS ALLOVER THE COUNTRY.

WE HAD A BROTHER INHARLEM WITH A TIGERIN HIS APARTMENT.

WHAT KIND OF NEWNEGRO IS THAT?

WHEN DID WE START THAT?

DID YOU GET THEE-MAIL--I DIDN'T GET IT.

BLACK PEOPLE DON'T (bleep)WITH WILD ANIMALS.

COME ON.

SEE, THAT'SWHAT HAPPEN WHEN

YOU SMOKE TOO MUCHWEED AND WATCH THEDISKOVERY CHANNEL.

YOU START COMING UPLIKE CRAZY (bleep)LIKE, YO, WATCH DOG.

I'M A GET A TIGER.

WATCH, WHEN I GET MYCHECK ON THURSDAY...

OH, BE WALKING DOWN A 125thSTREET WITH MY TIGER, LIKE,

HEEEEEEEEEEEEY!

IT'S ME AND MYTIGER, BABY!

THIS MOTHER (bleep)ER HADA TIGER IN THE PROJECTS.

IF YOU KNOW ANYTHINGABOUT THE PROJECTS--

WHAT WAS UP WITHHIS NEIGHBORS?

HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW THATTHE DUDE IN 3B GOT A TIGER?

HOW DO YOU MISS THAT?

YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE THETIGER AIN'T GONNA JUSTCHILL OUT ALL DAY

AND SMOKE WEED ANDPLAY SCRABBLE.

NO, HE GONNA LET YOU KNOW.

HEY, I'M HERE!

IT'S A TIGER INTHE VICINITY!

I MEAN, WHAT, YOUTHOUGHT--THAT HE WAS JUST

(bleep)ING THE (bleep)OUT OF HIS GIRLFRIEND?

THAT SHE WAS ROARING?

YOU GET HOME IN THEMIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.

ALL YOU HEAR IS ROARRRRR!

YOU GOT THE GLASS UP...

DUDE, HE IS WEARINGHER ASS OUT!

THAT'S NOT OUR (bleep),'CAUSE WE'VE ALL WATCHED

THE DISKOVERY CHANNEL ATSOME POINT IN OUR LIVES.

WHEN HAVE YOU EVER SEENA BROTHER WITH A SHOW?

NEVER.

AND THE SHOWCAN BE IN AFRICA

AND THERE'S NOBLACK PEOPLE ON IT.

THERE'S ALWAYS SOMELITTLE WHITE DUDE WITHSHORTS ON AND AN ACCENT.

CHRIKEY... HE'SA FEISTY BUGGER.

THE AFRICANS ARE THERE.

THEY JUST WAY INTHE BACK GOING,

LOOK, THAT MOTHER(bleep)ER IS FINISHED.

I DON'T KNOW WHY HE(bleep)ING WITH TIGER.

I LIVE HERE, I DON'T(bleep) WITH TIGER.

THIS MOTHER(bleep)ER'S STUPID.

(Patrice)DAMN THAT WAS FUN!

BUT ALL THAT ZOOLOGICALOBSERVATION MADE ME HUNGRY!

NOW LET ME ASKYOU A QUESTION.

IS THERE ANY KIND OFOBSERVATION THAT DOESN'TMAKE YOU HUNGRY?

HEY, YOU TWO, GET AROOM FOR CHRISSAKE!

(Patrice)YEAH, THIS ISN'T THEHEAVY PETTIN' ZOO!

I HAD A NICE TIME, NICK.

WE SHOULD COME TOTHE ZOO MORE OFTEN.

YEAH, IT'S THE ONLYPLACE WE CAN OBSERVE

AN EXOTIC CREATUREIN ITS NATURALHABITAT, THEN EAT IT.

(Patrice)UH, WE'LL HAVE TWOSIBERIAN TIGER BURGERS

AND DON'T HOLD BACKON THE KETCHUP!

WHAT DO YOU WANT, NICK?

COULD I GET A CUPOF PUPPY LUNGS?

(Kathleen Madigan)I USED TO WANNAWATCH THE GYMNASTICS,

BUT I DON'T THINK ICAN WATCH ANYMORE.

THE WOMEN'S GYMNAST...IT'S LIKE CHILD ABUSE,

AND THE ANNOUNCERS SAY ITAND THEY DON'T EVEN SEEMTO THINK IT'S ODD ANYMORE.

THEY'RE LIKE, "AWW,THIS NEXT GYMNAST,

"SHE'S 18 YEARS OLD,

"SHE WEIGHS 34POUNDS, BOB...

"SHE'S VERY, VERYHEAVY THIS YEAR.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHYTHESE GIRLS KEEP FALLING?"

'CAUSE THEY'RE HUNGRY, BOB.

OKAY?

SHE DIDN'T FALL, SHELEAPT OFF THAT BEAM

'CAUSE SHE SAW A HOTDOG IN THE THIRD ROW...

THOUGHT SHE COULD GET A BITEBEFORE HER KIDNEYS FAILED.

AT LEAST IT'SREAL GYMNASTICS.

I'LL GIVE 'EM CREDIT.

THAT RHYTHMICGYMNASTICS...

NO, THAT IS NOT A...IT'S NOT A SPORT.

IT'S LIKE THEY HAD A BUNCHOF GYMNASTS THAT SUCKED,

AND THEY WENT,"COME HERE, GIRLS,

"UM, YOU'RE TOTALLYSUCKING OUT THERE.

"SO HERE'S WHAT WE DID.

"WE WENT DOWN TO THEDOLLAR STORE AND WEBOUGHT A BOX OF CRAP.

"THERE'S, LIKE, ABALL OVER THERE,

"AND SOME TOILETPAPER ON A STICK.

"HERE'S WHATYOU NEED TO DO.

"JUST PICK ONE OF THESEOBJECTS, TAKE IT OUTTHERE WITH YOU,

"AND WHEN YOU GET READYTO DO SOMETHING HARD,

"JUST THROW IT AS HIGHAS YOU POSSIBLY CAN.

"THIS WILL DISTRACTTHE JUDGES

FROM YOUR CRAPPYLITTLE CARTWHEELS."

(Patrice)YOU KNOW WHAT FREAKS MEOUT ABOUT WOMEN GYMNASTS

FROM THESE EASTERNEUROPEAN COUNTRIES?

THEY'RE ON SO MANY STEROIDSTHAT IF YOU LOOK CLOSE,

YOU CAN BARELYSEE THEIR PENISES.

(Nick)UH, THANK GOD,A REAL ZOO.

WHAT DO YOU WANTTO SEE FIRST?

THE, UH, GIRAFFESOR THE ELEPHANTS?

(Patrice)ANYTHING THAT INVOLVES NAKEDBREASTS AND WHIPPED CREAM.

(Nick)(bleep)!

A TURKISH PRISONHAS LESS RULES.

HOW THE HELL AMI SUPPOSED TO GO

THREE HOURS WITHOUTA CIGARETTE?

"NO TAUNTINGTHE ANIMALS"?

WHY ELSE WOULDYOU GO TO A ZOO?

TAUNTING IS THEONLY WAY TO PROVE

THAT WE'RE THESUPERIOR BEINGS!

(Nick)THEY OUTLAW RADIOPLAYING, BUT NOTHING ON

THE DAMN SIGN ABOUT PERVERTSEXPOSING THEIR PRIVATES?

HEY, DUDE!

YOU KNOW THE RULE.

YOU HAVE TO THROW IT BACKIF IT'S LESS THAN TWO

AND A HALF INCHES,THERE, TEENY WEENIE.

(Dane Cook)I KNOW LADIES THINK THATALL GUYS WANT IS SEX-ó

THAT'S IT.

NO, IT'S NOT.

THE TWO THINGS WEWANT MORE THAN SEX...

FIRST OFF, EVERYSINGLE GUY HERE

WANTS TO BEPART OF A HEIST.

EVERY TIME YOU WATCHTHE MOVIE "HEAT,"

YOU'RE LIKE, "IWANNA DO THAT!"

EVERY GUY HEREWANTS TO BE RUNNING

DOWN MAIN STREETWITH AN AK.

WHERE THE (bleep)IS THE VAN?

WE WANT A GUY ONA COMPUTER GOING,

GIVE ME A MINUTE.

THEY CHANGED THE CODES!

I'M IN FRIENDSTER NOW.

THERE'S ALWAYS THATGUY ON THE TEAM TOO.

HE WAS A LAST-MINUTEREPLACEMENT.

ONE OF THE OTHER GUYSVOUCHES FOR HIM.

NO, NO, NO, BRO.

HE'S COOL, DUDE.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

HE'S NOT COOL, IS HE?

HE STARTS LAUGHINGIN THE BANK.

SHOOTING PEOPLEFOR NO REASON.

AH, HA HA.

AHA... AHA!

WHAT THE (bleep)ARE YOU DOING?

WHERE THE(bleep)'S THE VAN?

WE GOTTA GETTO THE VAN NOW!

HERE'S THE OTHERTHING WE WANT,

EVERY GUY HEREWANTS A MONKEY.

HAVE YOU EVER SAID, OUTLOUD, IN FRONT OF PEOPLE,

"WOULDN'T IT BE COOLTO HAVE A MONKEY?"

THERE'S ALWAYS THAT ONEPERSON WHO HAS TO CHIME IN...

UH, 'SCUSE ME.

THAT WOULDN'TBE COOL AT ALL.

FIRST OF ALL, THEY CRAPIN THEIR OWN HAND,

AND THEY THROW IT AROUNDIN A FESTIVE MANNER.

THEY DEMAND THINGS.

THEY MAKE FACES THATARE UNACCEPTABLE.

I DON'T WANT ANICE MONKEY.

I WANT AN EVIL,COKED-UP MONKEY.

I WANT TO PUT HIM ON COKE.

PUT A LITTLE ARMOR ONHIM, GIVE HIM A SWORD,

HAVE FIGHTS WITH HIMINSIDE MY PLACE.

HOW PUMPED WOULD YOU BEDRIVING HOME FROM WORK,

KNOWING SOMEPLACEIN YOUR HOUSE

THERE'S A MONKEYYOU'RE GOING TO BATTLE?

JUST WALK IN...

MONKEEEEEEYY!

WHERE YOU AT, MONKEY?

HE'S HIDING INTHE CLOSET.

AAAAAHHHHH, I'MRIGHT HERE!

I HEAR YOU!

WHO WANTS ABANANA SANDWICH?

I DO!

AND IF I COULDEVER DO A HEIST,

AND IN THE VAN THEMONKEY IS WAITING,

THAT WOULD BE THEULTIMATE RIGHT THERE.

ME AND THE MONKEY,JUST ROBBING PLACESFROM COAST TO COAST.

I DON'T NEED SEX.

(Patrice)OH, WAIT A MINUTE.

THIS GUY WOULD RATHER FIGHTA MONKEY THAN HAVE SEX?

THIS GUY'S AN ASS.

AH, MAYBE 'CAUSE WHENHE'S WITH A MONKEY,

IT LASTS LONGERTHAN TWO MINUTES.

YEAH, THE MONKEYWAS COOL, THOUGH.

I'M DOWN WITH THEANIMAL KINGDOM!

LET'S GO TO THE BRONX ZOO!

NO, THANKS.

IF I WANNA WATCH A BUNCHOF ANIMALS IN THE BRONX,

I'LL SIT IN THE BLEACHERSAT YANKEE STADIUM.

AH, COME ON, MAN.

THERE'S A LOT OF FUNSTUFF TO DO AT THE ZOO.

YEAH, BUT IN THE BRONX?

EVEN THE NAME,"BRONX ZOO"...

ISN'T THAT ALITTLE REDUNDANT?

I'M TALKING ABOUT A PLACEWHERE WILD CREATURES

FROM DIFFERENT PARTS OF THEWORLD ARE GATHERED TOGETHER.

YEAH, YOU PRETTYMUCH JUST DESCRIBED

EVERY BODEGA IN MANHATTAN.

SHUT UP, STUPID,WE'RE GOING.

THE ONLY PROBLEM IS,HOW WE GONNA GET THERE?

IT'S ALL THE WAYIN THE BRONX.

IT'S ALL THE WAYIN THE BRONX.

AH, WE'LL JUSTJUMP IN OUR HUMMER

AND DRIVE UPTHERE, IDIOT.

SUBWAY IT IS.

AND LEARN GUNREPAIR AT HOME?

HEY, YOU GOT A PEN?

YOU SEE ANY POCKETSON MY DIAPERS?

(man)EXCUSE ME, LADIESAND GENTLEMEN.

I'M NOT A BUM.

I JUST CAN'T FIND WORKBECAUSE OF THE ECONOMY.

(Nick)DUDE, IT'S NOTTHE ECONOMY.

YOU CAN'T FIND WORKBECAUSE YOU START

DRINKING AT 8:30IN THE MORNING.

YEAH, DON'T PASS THISOFF ON ALAN GREENSPAN,

YOU DIRTY,STINKIN' ASS HOBO.

YEAH, TAKE A WALKTHERE, DUMPY.

WHAT YOU WANT,A QUARTER TOO?

(man)NO, I'D LIKE TO SIT.

THIS SEAT'S RESERVEDFOR THE HANDICAPPED.

(Patrice)WELL, TAKE A (bleep)DAMN HIKE, 'CAUSEI'M HANDICAPPED,

MY BREATH STINKAND I GOT RICKETS.

(Mike Birbiglia)I WENT TO THE DOCTORTHE OTHER DAY,

THEY TOLD METHERE WAS SOME...

THERE WAS SOMETHINGIN MY BLADDER.

WHENEVER THEYTELL YOU THAT,

IT'S NEVER ANYTHINGGOOD, YOU KNOW?

LIKE, WE FOUND SOMETHINGIN YOUR BLADDER...

AND IT'S SEASON TICKETSTO THE YANKEES!

IT'S NOT THAT.

IT'S NEVER THAT.

I WAS READING ABOUTDR. DRE, AND HE'S NOT,LIKE, A DOCTOR...

AT ALL.

LIKE, NOT EVEN,LIKE, A LITTLE BIT.

IF I WOKE UP FROM SURGERY,AND I SAW DR. DRE,

I WOULD BE PISSED.

I'D BE LIKE, HOW BADIS MY INSURANCE?

I GOT A RAPPER DOCTOR?

HE'S, LIKE, SMOKING POT...

BLOWING SMOKEIN MY WOUNDS.

SNOOP DOGG'S IN THE CORNERWITH A VIDEO CAMERA,

SPRAYING I.V. FLUIDON NURSES IN BIKINIS.

(Jay Mohr)I WENT TO CANADA.

AND WHEN YOU LANDIN CANADA YOU GOT

YOUR PASSPORT, YOURWORKING PAPERS.

YOU'RE LIKE, OKAY,COOL, YOU KNOW?

AND THEN RIGHT BEFOREYOU LAND, THE FLIGHTATTENDANT'S LIKE,

SIR, YOU HAVE TO WAKE UP,YOUR DECLARATION CARD.

YOU GOTTA FILL OUTYOUR DECLARATION CARD.

YOU CAN'T GET INTOTHE COUNTRY UNLESSYOU FILL THIS OUT.

I'M LIKE, WHY I, FU...WHY I DON'T... WHAT?

I DON'T HAVE A PEN.

I WASN'T PREPARED.

I-I WANT TO GET IN.

ALL RIGHT, FINE, I GETA PEN OUT OF MY BAG.

I'M FILLING OUT THEDECLARATION CARD.

YOU KNOW WHATIT SAYS ON IT?

THE THING THAT YOU CAN'T GETINTO THE COUNTRY WITHOUT?

NAME.

RIGHT?

ADDRESS, PHONENUMBER, COUNTRY.

I WRITE USA, MOTHER(bleep).

THEN I CROSS IT OUT.

THEN THERE'S FOURQUESTIONS THAT DECIDE

WHETHER OR NOT YOU ARE GONNAGET INTO CANADIAN TERRITORY.

CHECK YES, CHECK NO.

"YOU BRINGING ANYFIREARMS INTO CANADA?"

NO.

"BRINGING ANY ENDANGEREDSPECIES INTO CANADA?"

NO.

"ARE YOU BRINGING ANYEXPLOSIVES INTO CANADA?"

NO.

"WILL YOU BE VISITING A FARMWHILE YOU ARE IN CANADA?"

I DON'T KNOW.

WHAT'S ON THE F...

WHY WOULD THEYASK ME THAT?

WHAT'S ON THE FARM?

SO I CHECK NO, BUTI'M THINKING YES, RIGHT?

THERE'S GOTTA BE SOMETHINGON THAT FARM THAT THEY

DON'T WANT YOU TO SEE IFTHEY PUT A DECLARA...

YOU CAN'T GET IN UNLESSYOU FILL THIS OUT.

I LOOK AT MY FRIEND.

WHAT'D YOU GET FOR FARM?

HE GOES, "I PUT NO,BUT WE'RE GOING."

I WAS JUST GONNA SAY THEEXACT SAME THING TO YOU.

I'M GLAD YOU JUST...

I SWEAR TO GOD.

WE LAND IN ALBERTA...

I SWEAR TO GOD.

WE DON'T EVENGO TO THE HOTEL.

WE JUST RENT A CAR, AND,LIKE, A COUPLE OF HAYSEEDS,

WE'RE DRIVING AROUNDLOOKING FOR FARMS.

AND WE GET TO FARMS.

YOU KNOW WHATWE SEE ON FARMS?

TRACTORS, MULES, MULE(bleep), CHICKENS.

BUT WE CAN'T BELIEVETHAT IT'S JUST A FARM.

WHY ELSE WOULD THEY PUTIT ON AN INTERNATIONAL

DECLARATION CARD?

WHY DO THEY WANT TO KNOWIF I'M GOING TO A FARM?

THERE'S GOT TO BE ACOCKFIGHT OR SOMETHING.

THERE'S GOTTA BESABER-TOOTHED TIGERS

WITH EXPLOSIVES BLOWING THE(bleep) OUT OF CARRIER PIGEONS.

SOMETHING COOL.

AND WE'RE TALKINGTO FARMERS.

AND WE'RE TALKING TO THEM.

IT'S LIKE WHEN YOU BUYWEED AT A RECORD STORE,

YOU JUST GOTTA GETTHAT RIGHT SENTENCE

TO LET THE GUYKNOW YOU'RE OKAY,

BUT WE DON'T KNOWWHAT THE SENTENCE IS.

WE'RE IN THE FARM, WE'RELIKE, HEY, BOB... BOB,

MI-MIKE AND JEFF SENTUS... WITH JOEY.

YOUR TURN.

THAT'S, UH... THAT'SA GREAT TRACTOR.

♪♪

(Vic Henley)BUSH NEEDS SOME HELP,DON'T YOU THINK?

IF THE WORLDTHINKS YOU'RE

THE LUNATIC COWBOYPRESIDENT... BE THAT.

YOU'RE NOT GOINGTO CONVINCE 'EM

YOU'RE THE ELOQUENTSPEECHMAKER, YOU KNOW?

THE MASTERFUL THINKER.

YOU WANT ELOQUENCE...GO TO TONY BLAIR.

LET HIM TALK, HE'SGOT THE BRITISH ACCENT.

IT JUST SOUNDSBETTER... LET HIM TALK.

IF YOU WANT TOSCARE PEOPLE, ROLLGEORGE BUSH OUT

LIKE HANNIBAL LECTER IN"SILENCE OF THE LAMBS."

PUT THAT LITTLE FACEGUARD OVER HIS FACE,AND JUST PROP HIM UP.

PUT THAT IMAGE ONCNN RIGHT THERE.

MR. PRESIDENT, WHY ARETHESE ACTIONS AGAINSTIRAQ TAKING PLACE?

RIP OFF THELITTLE FACE GUARD.

(yelling)HE TRIED TOKILL MY DADDY!

HE TRIED TO KILL MY DADDY!

SEE, I THINKHIS WHOLE PROBLEM

IS HE DOESN'T SPENDENOUGH TIME GOING

WITH THE OPINION ABOUT HIM.

YOU KNOW, JUST...

YOU DON'T EVEN COME OUTTO "HAIL TO THE CHIEF."

YOU COME OUT TO THE"COTTON-EYED JOE,"

JUST DANCING OUT.

GOT A LITTLE EYE PATCH ON.

NEVER ACKNOWLEDGE IT.

EVERY NOW AND THEN RAISEIT UP, WINK AT PEOPLE.

I'D GET A COLT .45AND A HOLSTER,

LEARN SOME PISTOL TRICKSAND THEN, YOU KNOW,

PUT MY EYE PATCH ON, ANDGET IN AIR FORCE ONE

WITH THE BIGCOW HORNS,

AND JUST FLY OVERTO THE MIDDLE EAST.

AND STARTCHASING EVERYBODY,

LIKE THREE HUNDREDFEET OFF THE GROUND.

NICE AND LOW.

THAT WAY YOU CAN OPEN UPTHE WINDOW, AND THEY CAN

HEAR YOU GO... WHEEEEEW!

AND THEN JUST LANDON THE GAZA STRIP,

AND GET OUT... ANDSTART TWIRLING.

JUST SITTING THERE WITHYOUR PISTOL GOING...

MR. SHARON, YOUAND MR. ARAFAT NEEDTO WORK THIS OUT!

IF YOU'RE NOT GONNAHAVE CHENEY UP THERE,

THEN GET RID OF EVERYBODYAND JUST GET THE TWO GUYS

FROM ZZ TOP TO STAND ONSTAGE THE WHOLE TIME.

HE WAVES HISPISTOL AROUND.

YOU KNOW THE SPEECH WILLBE COMING TO AN END

'CAUSE ONE OF THE ZZ TOPGUYS WOULD STEP FORWARD

AND MAKE THAT MOTION,LIKE THAT RIGHT THERE.

AND THEN THEY ALLWALK OFF TOGETHER.

AT THE LAST MINUTE,ONE OF THEM COULD LEANFORWARD AND DO A LITTLE...

UHUH UHUH UHUH UHUH.

I GUESS THE DIFFERENCEBETWEEN PRESIDENT BUSHAND HANNIBAL LECTER

IS THAT LECTERBUTCHERS HUMAN BEINGS,

AND BUSH BUTCHERSTHE ENGLISH LANGUAGE.

THIS DOESN'T LOOK LIKETHE BRONX ZOO TO ME.

UH, MAYBE WE SHOULDASK FOR DIRECTIONS.

I'M NOTSAYING A WORD.

EVERY TIME I CONVERSEWITH MINORITIES,

I END UP AS A DEFENDANT INA CIVIL RIGHTS LAWSUIT.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

THEY ACTUALLY GOT SOMENICE BUILDINGS AROUND HERE.

WE SHOULD THINK ABOUTGETTING A PLACE.

(gunshot)OOOOHHHH...WHAT WAS THAT?

I THINK AN APARTMENTJUST BECAME AVAILABLE.

YOU BOYS INTERESTEDIN SOME ACTION?

(Patrice)WELL, I GUESS.

WE'RE TRYING TOGET TO THE ZOO.

CAN YOU HELP US?

(man)WELL, IT'S YOURLUCKY DAY.

YOU'RE RIGHTIN FRONT OF IT.

(Patrice)ALL THE WILD ANIMALSCAN FIT IN THERE?

(Marc Maron)I READ AN ARTICLEIN USA 2DAY,

AND IT HAD A LITTLE COLOREDGRAPH SO IT MUST BE TRUE...

THAT A LOT LESS PEOPLEBELIEVE IN GOD NOW.

AND I THINK ONE OF THEREASONS IS GOD DOESN'T

SEEM TO TALK TO PEOPLELIKE HE USED TO.

YOU READ THE BIBLE--THE OLD TESTAMENT,THE NEW TESTAMENT...

EVERY OTHERDAY, IT WAS LIKE...

ABRAHAM!

GUESS WHO?

YES, IT IS GOD.

YOU'RE A GENIUS.

I NEED YOU TO DOSOMETHING FOR ME, PRONTO.

AND PEOPLEWOULD DO IT.

UNDERSTANDABLY SO.

WHO'S HE TALKIN' TO NOW?

I DON'T KNOW.

THEN I'M WALKING DOWN THESTREET IN MANHATTAN ONE DAY,

AND I REALIZE MAYBEIT'S THOSE GUYS YOU SEE

WALKING DOWN THE STREETTALKING TO THEMSELVES.

YOU KNOW, THOSE GUYSWHO ARE LIKE, I CAN'T!

NO, I CAN'T!

MAYBE THE OTHER SIDEOF THAT CONVERSATION

IS GOD GOING, "YOU'RETHE NEW LEADER."

NO, I CAN'T!

THEY'RE NOT CRAZY, THEY'RERELUCTANT PROPHETS.

BETTER GIVE 'EM A QUARTERTHE NEXT TIME THEY ASK.

♪ SHORTIES WATCHING SHORTIES,SHORTIES WATCHING SHORTIES ♪