The Young Man and the Pig

  • Season 3, Ep 5
  • 03/31/2016

Adam loses his pet pig after getting too high on magic mushrooms and hosts Kevin Iso, Josh Johnson and Brendan Eyre.

- Here you go.Get you a little beer.

Drink some beers.

Drink a little beer.

Hey, what's up, guys?

Just in time for somebeer and a massage.

- No, man.

I don't like anybodytouching my body

unless they gonna touchthe whole thing.

- I'm talking aboutmassaging my pig,

in a very non-erotic way.

Don't try to fuck the pig.

- We canceled parasailing

through the majesticHawaiian skies to find you,

and you're gonnamassage your pig?

- Yes, but it's notjust any pig.

It's the world's firstWagyu pig.

I've been feeding this guybeer for a month

and massaging him,sleeping near him,

petting him, caressing him.

- Kind of looks likeyou've been letting him

shit all over the beach too.

- Honestly, Brendan, that's,like, the best part,

'cause guess what.

From his poop blossoms...

magic mushrooms.

Right here.

- Ugh.- Ew.

- Come on, bro.

- Ooh...- Oh, man.

How many of thosehave you eaten?

- Kind of hard to tell,because I quit counting.

but it's all good,'cause I don't even feel them.

- Hey, Adam.

Maybe take it easyon those shrooms, dude.

You have to hostthe show tonight.

- No, I'll be fine.

The mushrooms are pretty good,but honestly,

they kind of taste like shit.

Not a fan of feet at all.

I hate feet.

To me, feet are like

the first and lastpiece of bread.

Like, I know they there--

[laughter]

I know they therefor a reason,

but I'm never gonnaput them in my mouth.

You know what I'm saying?

[laughter]

There's too many peoplewith regular lives

and homeless feetwalking around.

Like, you ever see--you ever see the toes

where the second toe come outlonger than the first one?

It look like--

look like somebody tryingto hand you a cigarette.

You're like, "Yo, look, I don'tfucking smoke Lucy's like that."

[laughter]No, no feet like that.

Keep that shit to yourself.

That's how you getathlete's mouth.

[laughter]

I used to talk to a girl.

She had, like,one regular toe.

And then the second onewas nubbed.

And then the third onecame out like that, so--

And then one night,I pushed them both together.

[laughter]

And she was like,"What are you doing?"

I was like, "Playing Tetris."

[laughter]

That's why I likethe wintertime.

I don't got to seepeople's toes at all.

And in the wintera lot of the time,

I can wear, like, my hoodies

and feel safe.

Sometimes I wear hoodiesnot 'cause I'm cold,

but just 'cause, like,I want to blend in

with my neighborhood.

Like, I live in the Bronx,and it's just that

you less likely to get robbed

if you look like you on your wayto rob somebody.

[laughter]Just want to say it.

They're not gonnarun up on you.

"Yo, should we rob him?"

It's like, "Nah, he on his wayto work right now," right?

"We'll get him on his way back."

And I'm not coming back.

I'm going home to watch "Veep,"

'cause I fucl withthat show a lot.

It's a really good show.woman: Yeah!

- My friend almostgot robbed once.

When we was in high school,

some dude ran up on him,and he was like,

"Give me your shit!"

And my friend was like, "No!"

And the dude was like, "A'ight."

And then he--[laughter]

And he walked away,and I asked my friend--

I was like, "Yo,what made you say that?

Man, he could'vetook your life."

And he was just like,"I just looked in his eyes,

"and I saw that he ain'thave it in him

to do what he wastrying to do,"

which is a brave thing to say,

'cause everybodycan't do that.

I wish it was easier--

like, I was there was a method.

Like, I wish robberswore color-coded hoodies

the same way kids do inkarate class with they belts,

so you know theyexperience level--

you know what I'm saying--

for robbing.

[laughter]

Like, somebody run up on youlike, "Give me your shit!"

You're like, "Nah, you stilla white hoodie, bro."

[laughter]

Don't come to me when youa third-degree murder.

I learned how to fightfrom my older brother.

I grew up fighting withmy older brother all the time.

The problem with that isyou learn fighting skills

that aren't necessarilyapplicable in the real world.

[laughter]Do you know what I mean?

Like, I can't be in a bar fight

and just jump-kicka guy in the back...

[laughter]

And then lock myselfin the bathroom

till my mom comeshome from work.

[laughter]

We would go at it all the time.

My dad's crazy.

One time my dad got sick of it,

and he was like, "Oh, you twolike fighting so much?

How about you fight for real?"

Fighting for real,according to my dad,

was making us put onour winter gloves

and box in the backyard...[laughter]

while he sat in a lawn chairand watched...

[laughter]

Just clearly forhis own amusement.

[laughter]

My father is the Michael Vickof children.

[laughter]

Who wouldn't pay to seetwo shirtless little boys...

[laughter]

with tears streamingdown their faces

as they beat the shitout of each other

with Transformers mittens?

[laughter]

[sighs]My dad--

he would just yell stuff

that there was nothingto say back to like--

I got in trouble

for smoking weed ineighth grade.

And I came home from school,

and my dad got in my face,

and he goes,

"I made it throughthe Vietnam War

"without smoking pot.

And you couldn't make itthrough middle school?"

[laughter]

Like, what--

[laughter]

What do you say to that?

[laughter]

"Yes, sorry you werethe only nerd in Vietnam."

[laughter]

[cheers]

is Austin, Texas.

Austin is amazing, right?

Because if you've never been--

let me explain what Austin isto you real quick.

Austin is like a city

if a city was run by children.

If a city was run by barefoot,

pot-smoking,acoustic guitar-playing,

Liberal Arts-getting children,

that would be Austin.

woman: Yeah!

- I have this gameI love playing.

If you're ever in Austin,you should play it too.

It's called "Homelessor art history professor?"

[laughter]

Thing is, you're never wrong.You're never wrong.

It's just a homelessart history professor.

Rent is ridiculous down there.

I love traveling.