Thursday, February 27, 2014

  • 02/27/2014

Grace Helbig, Hannah Hart and Mamrie Hart, stars of the new film "Camp Takota," create new Oscar categories and learn how to give a proper cat massage.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNET

HEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH!

>> Chris: THE ACADEMY AWARDS ARE

THE SUPER BOWL OF NARCISSISTS,

AND THIS "TEN LITTLE KNOWN FACTS

ABOUT THE OSCARS" VIDEO HAS BEEN

BLOWING UP ON THE YOUTUBES.

PLEASE GIVE ME ANOTHER LITTLE

KNOWN OSCAR FACT, GRACE HELBIG.

>> THEY WERE ORIGINALLY NAMED

AFTER OSCAR MAYER, AND

ORIGINALLY CALLED THE WIENERS.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: THAT WOULD BE SO

AMAZING.

>> YEAH.

>> Chris: "AND THE WIENER GOES

TO..."

>> "AND THE WIENER IS..."

>> Chris: "AND THE WIENER IS!"

OH, NICE.

I'LL GIVE 100 POINTS TO GRACE

AND MAMRIE.

(LAUGHTER)

WELL, YOU DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING.

>> AND YOU DON'T LIKE WIENERS.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: I WILL GIVE HANNAH 100

POINTS JUST FOR NOT ENJOYING

WIENERS.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: PART OF THE INFAMOUS

INTERVIEW THAT ROBERT

OPPENHEIMER GAVE AFTER THE FIRST

ATOMIC BOMB TEST IS NOW BEING

USED TO PROMOTE TO A NEW APP,

BECAUSE THE INTERNET HAS A LESS

SHORT-TERM MEMORY THAN A

GOLDFISH.

THE ATOMIC TESTING WAS VERY

EMOTIONAL, IT WAS VERY DIFFICULT

ON MR. OPPENHEIMER, AND YOU WILL

SEE THAT IN THIS VIMEO.

CHECK THIS OUT.

>> A PEOPLE LAUGHED, A FEW

PEOPLE CRIED.

MOST PEOPLE WERE SILENT.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: SO THIS IS AN

ADVERTISEMENT FOR AN APP THAT

PEOPLE ARE TALKING ABOUT NOW.

WHAT APP IS THIS PROMOTING?

YO, THESE MUSHROOM CLOUDS ARE

DELICIOUS!

(LAUGHTER)

MAMRIE HART?

>> C, BECAUSE I'M AN INVESTOR.

(LAUGHTER)

>> THAT'S TRUE-- WE FORCED HER.

>> Chris: WELL, YOU MAY BE, BUT

UNFORTUNATELY THE CORRECT ANSWER

IS B-- AN APP THAT FACILITATES

THREESOMES.

>> WHOA!

YOU WISH, BUDDY.

>> NO, THAT'S JUST A J. CREW AD.

>> Chris: THOSE GIRLS ARE NOT

(BLEEP)ING THAT GUY!

I'M SORRY.

HE'S THEIR FRIEND.

HE DOES A LOT OF FAVORS FOR

THEM, BUT THEY WON'T SLEEP WITH

HIM.

BONUS QUESTION, COMEDIANS.

NOW THE WORLD OF THREESOMES IS

JUST A SWIPE AWAY, GIVE US YOUR

BEST THRIENDER PICKUP LINE.

GRACE HELBIG?

>> IT'S MUCH EASIER FOR YOU TO

BLAME YOUR SEX FARTS ON SOMEONE

ELSE.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> IT'S LIKE 80 PERCENT THE

REASON I GOT A DOG.

(LAUGHTER)

>> OH, WOW.

>> Chris: HANNAH, DO YOU HAVE A

PICKUP LINE?

>> YEAH, I DO.

(LAUGHTER)

HERE IT COMES.

>> THAT WAS IT!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: I'M GOING TO GO AHEAD

AND GIVE YOU POINTS FOR, "HERE

IT COMES."

(LAUGHTER)

POINTS FOR "HERE IT COMES!"

MAMRIE?

>> REDHEADED HOTTIE SEEKS TWO

MEN TO LEAVE HER UNSATISFIED,

THEN WATCH HOUSEHUNTERS WITH.

>> Chris: POINTS!

ALL RIGHT.

#HASHTAG WARS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

EVERYONE KNOWS ABOUT OSCAR

CATEGORIES LIKE BEST PICTURE,

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS.

BUT THERE'S SO MUCH MORE OF IT

TO EXPLORE.

THAT'S WHY TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS

NEW OSCAR CATEGORIES, NEW OSCAR

CATEGORIES.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE LEAST

PRONOUNCEABLE NAME, OR BEST

MOVIE YOU LIED ABOUT SEEING

BECAUSE YOU WANTED TO SEEM

INTELLIGENT, OR JENNIFERIEST

LAWRENCE WOULD BE ANOTHER ONE.

SO I'M GOING TO PUT 60 SECONDS

ON THE CLOCK, AND GO.

GRACE.

>> BEST AUDIBLE FART IN A DRAMA.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: IS THAT A SEX FART OR

A REGULAR FART?

>> THE BEST WILL WIN.

>> Chris: POINTS, POINTS!

YES, HANNAH?

>> BEST USE OF HASHTAG IN A

MARKETING CAMPAIGN.

>> Chris: POINTS!

MAMRIE?

>> LEAST WANTED SHOT OF A NAKED

MALE BUTT.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: DO YOU HAVE ANY

THOUGHTS ON WHO THAT MIGHT BE?

>> I MEAN, THEY RUN THE GAMUT.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT.

>> REALLY, ALL MALE BUTTS.

>> Chris: I WILL GIVE YOU POINTS

FOR THAT.

>> THANK YOU.

>> Chris: GRACE?

>> BEST ACTOR WHOSE NAME RHYMES

WITH SADLY POOPER.

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> WHO KNOWS, WHO KNOWS?

>> Chris: HANNAH?

>> BEST USE OF A CAT MOTIF BY

YOUTUBE STARS.

>> Chris: YES!

SELF REFERENTIAL.

>> ♪ PLUG IT IN

PLUG IT IN. ♪

>> Chris: I'LL GIVE YOU POINTS

FOR THAT.

YOU GUYS MADE A MOVIE.

YES, MAMRIE?

>> LEAST OFFENSIVE THING SAID

THAT PEOPLE WILL TAKE OFFENSE TO

THE NEXT DAY.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: GRACIE?

>> BEST KEY GRIP TO CONVINCE

BRUCE DERN TO ACCEPT MY FACEBOOK

REQUEST.

>> Chris: POINTS.

WHY WON'T HE ACCEPT IT?

WHAT'S HE WAITING FOR?

>> I DON'T KNOW.

I'VE SENT HIM NUMEROUS DICK

PICKS.

(LAUGHTER)

REVIEW MADLIBS!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

IN CASE YOU FORGOT, FOR SOME

REASON, THE OSCARS ARE SUNDAY.

SO I'M GOING TO READ YOU SOME

REVIEWS OF OSCAR NOMINATED FILMS

FROM AVERAGE EVERYDAY TWEETERS,

LEAVING OUT A FEW KEY PHRASES IN

EACH.

AND FOR 250 POINTS I WOULD LIKE

YOU TO FILL IN THE BLANKS WITH

HILARITY, ALL RIGHT?

FIRST ONE:

HANNAH?

>> CANADA.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS!

POINTS FOR CANADA.

THE ACTUAL ANSWER WAS "NAZI

GERMANY."

>> SAME DIFF!

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT.

GRACE?

>> HAPPY ABOUT LETTING THAT

SOMALI PIRATE GO DOWN ON ME LAST

NIGHT.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

>> HASHTAG I COULD HAVE SWORN HE

SAID HE WAS A SOMMELIER PIRATE.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

THE CORRECT ANSWER WAS, CAPTAIN

PHILLIPS, "NOT FEELING VERY

HORNY."

FOLLOW-UP QUESTION.

WHAT TOM HANKS MOVIE WOULD MAKE

YOU FEEL THE MOST HORNY?

>> FORREST GUMP.

>> Chris: OKAY, GOOD, POINTS.

DONE, POINTS, POINTS.

MAMRIE?

>> BEING WEEKEND AT BERNIE'D.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: THE ACTUAL ANSWER, "IS

HE, LIKE, BLANK OR DOING A

DRUG," "SUCKING POOP OUT OF HER

BUTT WITH A STRAW."

THAT'S LIKE A DRUG, I WOULD

IMAGINE.

>> NO.

THAT'S A GATEWAY DRUG IF I EVER

HEARD OF IT.

>> Chris: POINTS!

100 POINTS FOR HANNAH.

GET THE MASSAGE!

(APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: THE FOLKS OVER AT

EVERYTHINGISTERRIBLE.COM

COMPILED A GREAT VIDEO OF THIS

CAT LOVING LADY'S GUIDE TO

GIVING A PROPER FELINE MASSAGE.

HERE'S A TASTE.

>> PETTING IS JUST RANDOMLY

PETTING.

MOST PEOPLE WILL GO MID BACK.

EH.

IF WE UNDERSTOOD, OUR CATS WOULD

TELL US THAT PETTING IS PASSE,

BECAUSE YOUR CAT WANTS A

MASSAGE.

>> WHY WOULD YOU STOP IT THERE?

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: COMEDIANS, WE'RE GOING

TO SHOW YOU TWO POSSIBLE LINES

OF DIALOGUE FROM THIS CAT

MASSEUSE, AND YOU HAVE TO GUESS

WHICH ONE IS AN ACTUAL QUOTE

FROM THE VIDEO.

ALL RIGHT?

FIRST ONE:

(LAUGHTER)

I'M SO MAD RIGHT NOW.

(LAUGHTER)

OR:

GRACE?

>> I AM GOING PURRICANE, 400%.

>> Chris: LET'S FIND OUT.

>> A WHISKER WATCH ALERT IS IN

EFFECT HERE.

>> WHISKER WATCH!

>> REMEMBER, A MAJOR WHISKER

WATCH ALERT IS IN EFFECT HERE.

>> Chris: GUYS, GET IN THE

SHELTER, GET YOUR KIDS, GET YOUR

FAMILIES!

THERE'S A MAJOR WHISKER WATCH

ALERT COMING YOUR WAY!

>> BUT CAN WE ALSO GET A

SIDE-BY-SIDE MAMRIE HART WITH

THIS WOMAN?

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: NOT BAD.

I'VE GOT TO SAY, NOT BAD.

REALLY NOT BAD.

>> SPOT ON.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE.

(LAUGHTER)

OR:

(LAUGHTER)

IS THIS CAT VIDEO ON REDTUBE?

(LAUGHTER)

GRACE?

>> THE RUMP.

>> Chris: LET'S FIND OUT.

>> SIMPLY START FROM THE BASE OF

THE RUMP, RUBBING YOUR WAY OUT.

AND FOLLOW IT TO ITS NATURAL

CONCLUSION.

>> ALL RIGHT.

SO...

(APPLAUSE)

NOW WE KNOW WHERE 50 SHADES OF

GREY STOLE THAT LINE FROM.

>> Chris: I'LL GIVE YOU 100

POINTS FOR THAT, MAMRIE.

>> THANK YOU.

>> Chris: I THINK WE ARE ALL

THAT VIDEO!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THERE ARE LITERALLY MILLIONS OF

VIDEOS ON THE YOUTUBES, AND

SOMETIMES THE TITLES CAN BE A

LITTLE MISLEADING.

SO COMEDIANS, I WANT YOU TO GIVE

ME A YOUTUBE VIDEO TITLE THAT

YOU SHOULD NEVER WATCH UNDER ANY

CIRCUMSTANCE, ALL RIGHT?

IF YOU IF GET A LAUGH, YOU GET

250 POINTS.

60 SECONDS ON THE CLOCK, AND GO.

HANNAH?

>> DOES THIS LOOK INFECTED?

>> OH, MAN.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS!

GRACE?

>> TWO GOLDEN GIRLS, ONE CUP.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

HANNAH?

>> NAME THAT TOE FUNGUS.

>> Chris: POINTS.

GRACE?

>> HANNAH HART'S MY DRUNK

KITCHEN FEATURING MAMRIE HART.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: OH, MAN!

WHAT?

WHAT THE WHAT?

>> IT'S AN IMPOSTER DUO.

>> Chris: NO POINTS, GRACE

HELBIG!

MAMRIE?

>> THE TOP 10 C-SECTIONS OF

2011.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

MAMRIE?

>> THE EXTENDED VERSION OF THAT

ASPCA SARAH MCLAUGHLIN

COMMERCIAL.

>> Chris: OH, GOD.

POINTS.

>> DONNY AND MARIE RECREATE THE

OPENING SCENE TO WOLF OF WALL

STREET.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: DON'T EVER CLICK ON

THAT.

POINTS.

MAMRIE?

>> IS THIS HUMAN MEAT?

(LAUGHTER)

(BUZZER SOUNDING)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

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