Georgina and Esther and Satan

  • Season 4, Ep 3
  • 10/08/2014

Two pious old women describe the awful things they want to do to Satan, Keegan and Jordan misunderstand each other's texts, and a club DJ gets a little too real.

- EXCUSE ME, SIR.

DO YOU HAVE A MOMENTTO SAVE THE CHILDREN?

- I'M SORRY, MAN.I'M--I'M RUNNING LATE,

AND I JUST DON'T HAVE TIMETO CHAT RIGHT NOW, SO...

- I UNDERSTAND THAT.I UNDERSTAND THAT.

IT'S JUST THAT, EVERY MINUTE,ANOTHER CHILD

DIES UNNECESSARILY,A CHILD WHO COULD LIVE

A FRUITFUL LIFE WITH THE HELPOF JUST ONE SMALL DONATION.

- YEAH, I'M--I DON'T HAVE THE TIME.

I'M SORRY.- I UNDERSTAND THAT.

IT'S JUST, ALL IT TAKESIS $1 TO SAVE A CHILD.

- ALL RIGHT.YOU KNOW WHAT?

FINE, YOU'RE RIGHT.YUP.

WHO DOESN'T WANTTO HELP A CHILD?

LET'S SAVE FIVE CHILDREN.

- TOMMY!

ALL RIGHT,COME ON, COME ON, COME ON.

ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE.

NOT SO FAST.JUST FIVE.

THANKS A LOT, SIR.- HELP!

HELP!HELP!

[indistinct shouting]

- OH, MY GOD.I HAVE ANOTHER DOLLAR.

I HAVE ANOTHER DOLLAR.SIR, I HAVE ANOTHER DOLLAR.

- [sighs]

HAPPY SUNDAY, ESTHER.

- HAPPY SUNDAY, GEORGINA.

HOW WAS YOUR WEEK?

- OH, THE LORD IS WITH ME.- MM-HMM.

- BUT THE DEVIL,

HE GOT HIS HANDSON MY GRANDNIECE GRACE.

- OH, NO.- MM-HMM.

OUT THERE SMOKING THE REEFER,DOING THE HANKY-PANKY WITH BOYS.

- NO, GEORGINA.

- OH, ESTHER, YOU KNOW

THAT I LOVE ALL THINGSTHAT ARE GOOD AND HOLY.

- MM-HMM.- BUT IF HE DOESN'T LET GO

OF MY GRANDNIECE GRACE,

I'M GONNA CUTTHE DEVIL'S DICK OFF

AND SHOVE IT IN HIS ASS.

- MM-HMM.

- WITH MY PRAYERS.- I KNOW YOU WILL, GEORGINA.

I KNOW YOU WILL.

- HOW WAS YOUR WEEK, GIRL?

- OH, YOU KNOW ME.

I'M BLESSED AND THANKFULFOR EVERYTHING.

- MM-HMM.ALL RIGHT.

- BUT YOU KNOW MY GRANDSON JASONGOT HISSELF WRAPPED UP

IN THE LEATHERY CLAWS OF SATAN.

- NOT JASON.- HE GOT HISSELF ARRESTED

FOR THE SPRAY-PAINTINGAND THE VANDALISM.

- OH, LORD.

- AND I TELL YOU, I NEVER

RAISE MY HAND IN ANGER,

BUT IF HE DON'T LET JASON GO,

I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT NIGGA SATANIN THE NUTS SO HARD,

IT WIPE THE DICK-LICKING SMIRKOFF HIS HORNED-ASS FACE.

- MM-HMM.

- WITH MY PRAYERS.- AMEN.

I KNOW YOU WILL, ESTHER,I KNOW YOU WILL,

BUT ESTHER, I GOTTA TELL YOUSOMETHING ELSE, NOW.

- MMM, LET IT OUT.

- YOU KNOW, ESTHER,

THAT I HAVE FOUND SERENITYIN THE GLORY OF HEAVEN.

- YES.

- BUT MY DAUGHTER'S HUSBANDBERNARD HAS GOT HIMSELF WEDGED

BETWEEN THE CLEFT HOOVESOF LUCIFER HISSELF.

- MMM.- SHE OPENED UP

HIS LAPTOP COMPUTER

AND FOUNDTHE PORNOGRAPHY OF WOMEN.

- NOT THE PORNOGRAPHY OF WOMEN.

- ABSOLUTELYTHE PORNOGRAPHY OF WOMEN.

- NOT ON THE LAPTOP COMPUTER.

- ON THE LAPTOP COMPUTER FOUNDTHE PORNOGRAPHY OF WOMEN.

- MMM.

- I AM A PACIFISTUNDER GOD'S REQUEST,

BUT IF HE DON'T LET GOOF BERNARD,

I'M GONNA SNEAK UPON THAT BITCH-ASS LUCIFER

RIGHT IN THE MIDSTOF HIS SLEEP TIME.

- OH.- AND THEN I'M GONNA SIT

ON THAT MOTHERFUCKER'S HEAD,

AND I'M GONNA SPREAD MY BOOTYCHEEKS ON THAT PIG'S FACE,

AND I'M GONNA JUSTPUCKER UP MY STANK HOLE...

- WHOO.

- AND JUST TOOPS, TOOPS, TOOPS,

SCOOPS,BEDOOP-SCOOP-SCOOP-SKEDOOPS

UNTIL THAT NIGGAGOT A BROWN DOT ON HIS NOSE

THAT I CAN USEFOR TARGET PRACTICE.

SHA-PLOW!

- SHOOT THAT.- SHA-PLOW!

- SHOOT THAT!- SHA-PLOW!

- WHOO, SHOOT THAT NIGGAIN THE SHIT-NACK.

- WITH MY PRAYERS.

- WITH YOUR PRAYERS,OF COURSE, OF COURSE.

OH, GEORGINA, GEORGINA,GEORGINA.

- YUP, YUP, YUP, YUP, YUP?

- OH, I GOT NOTHING BUT FAITHIN GOD AND HEAVEN ABOVE,

BUT I TELL YOU,MY SON'S WIFE CRYSTAL,

SHE GOT HERSELF WRAPPED UPIN THE FIERY WINGS

OF MEPHISTOPHELES HISSELF.

- HERE WE GO.

- YOU KNOW, SHE GOT CAUGHT USINGPROFANITY WITH HER OWN CHILDREN.

- WHAT?- AT THE DINNER TABLE.

- OH, LORD, CHILD, CHILD.

- GEORGINA DARLENE MARTIN!

OH, I HAVE NOTHING BUT LOVE FOREVERY CREATURE ON THIS PLANET,

BUT IF HE DON'T LETMY DARLING CRYSTAL GO,

I'M GONNA FLIRT WITH THE DEVIL.- OH. OH.

- SHOW HIM A LITTLE BITOF SHOULDER.

"HOW YOU DOIN'?"

HE GONNA START LOOKING AWAY,I'M GONNA START TWERKING.

START TWERKING,HE GONNA BE LIKE, "WHOO."

HE GONNA BE,HE GONNA BE DRAWN IN.

- MM-HMM.

- SEDUCE THAT LITTLEMOTHERFUCKER.

GIVE HIM ONE OF THESE."HI."

BATTING MY EYELASHES AT HIM.

THEN WHEN HE LEAST EXPECTS IT,

AND I GOT HIS TRUST, THAT'S WHENI'M GONNA RIDE THAT NIGGA.

I'M GONNA GIVE HIMTHE NIGHT OF HIS LIFE,

A NIGHTHE AIN'T NEVER GONNA FORGET.

- GO GET HIM.- I'M GONNA GIVE HIM THIS WAY.

I'M GONNA GIVE HIM THAT WAY.

AND THEN,RIGHT WHEN HE ABOUT TO CLIMAX,

THAT'S WHEN I'M GONNA CLENCHUP MY PUSSY

ON THAT MOTHERFUCKER'SRED DICK,

AND I'M GONNA SNAP THAT NIGGACOCK OFF WITH A DIVINE KEGEL.

- WELL, YOU GONNA SNAPTHAT NIGGA DICK OFF.

- WHOO!- SNAP IT OFF! WHOO!

- WITH MY PRAYERS.- WITH YOUR PRAYERS.

WITH YOUR PRAYERS.- WITH MY PRAYERS.

- OF COURSE.WITH THE PRAYERS, YEAH.

BUT THAT'S RIGHT, GIRL.- YES.

- YOU GO GET HIM, ESTHER!- YES!

- FUCK SATAN!- FUCK HIM!

- FUCK HIM IN THE--

- WHA--WHAT'S HAPPENING,GEORGINA?

- [deep voice]GEORGINA ISN'T HERE ANYMORE.

[maniacal laugh]

IT IS I, SATAN.

- AH!

[blows landing]

- [normal voice]AH! NO, ESTHER!

I'M IN HERE, THOUGH!- OH!

- I'M KICKINGTHIS NIGGA'S ASS.

- YEAH![blows landing]

- [deep voice] OH, HELP ME.SOMEBODY HELP ME.

I CA--CAN'T GET OUTOF THIS BITCH.

- OH, GET HIM, GEORGINA!GET HIM!

- [normal voice]I STUCK A SAFETY PIN

IN THIS NIGGA'S URETHRA.

- OOH!- [deep voice] OWW!

FUCK!THAT HURTS!

[normal voice]RIGHT NOW I GOT HIS DICK

IN MY HANDS LIKE A OLD RAG.

I'M WRINGING OUT!I'M WRINGING IT OUT!

- OH, GIVE ME SOME OF THAT.

I WANT A PIECE OF HIM, YES.

TAG ME IN.

[groans]

[gasps]

[deep voice]WHO IS THIS CRAZY BITCH, NOW?

[normal voice]AH, IT'S ME, MOTHERFUCKER!

YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE, BITCH![laughs]

- SHOOT THAT MOTHERFUCKER!- THAT'S RIGHT.

I'M ON TOP OF YOU.I'M ON TOP OF HIM.

[deep voice]WHAT'S GOING ON?

THIS FEELS GOOD.WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?

[normal voice]OH, YOU'LL SEE IN A SECOND,

MOTHERFUCKER.- JUST WAIT, MOTHERFUCKER.

- [deep voice] OH, I'M WAITING,BUT OH, HERE I CUM.

HERE I CUM.

[normal voice]HERE YOU GO, HA!

GRABBED IT!SNAP!

- OOH!- OOH, I GOT HIM GOOD.

[deep voice]I'LL DO ANYTHING YOU SAY.

I'LL DO ANYTHING YOU SAY.

- TOO LATE NOW.TOO LATE NOW, SATAN.

OH, SHH.WE SHOULD PROBABLY GO.

- [normal voice]OH, YEAH, LET'S GO, LET'S GO.

- WE DON'T WANT TODISTURB THE SERVICE.

- OOH, I GOT A HOLD OF HIM.

I'M GONNA--WE GONNA GOMEDIEVAL ON HIS ASS.

[deep voice] NO, NO!OH, LORDY! I CAN'T TAKE IT.

I CAN'T TAKE IT.

[normal voice]GET OVER HERE, MISTER.

[deep voice]PLEASE, PLEASE!

GET THESE CRAZY BITCHESOFF OF ME.

JESUS CHRIST IS MY PERSONAL LORDAND SAVIOR, I SWEAR.

- YOU'RE TOO LATE FOR THAT NOW.

- "BEEN TRYING TO REACH OUTTO YOU ALL DAY.

ARE WE ON FOR TONIGHT?"

[sighs]JEEZ.

- WHAT?YOU CAN'T CATCH ME.

YOU CAN'T CATCH ME.

I'M LANCE MOORE.TOUCHDOWN, BITCH.

WHAT?PAUSE.

[phone chimes]

OH, SHOOT.

KEEGAN'S BEEN TEXTING ME.

"SORRY, DUDE,MISSED YOUR TEXTS.

"I ASSUMED WE'D MEET AT THE BAR.

WHATEVER.I DON'T CARE."

[phone chimes]

- "SORRY, DUDE,MISSED YOUR TEXTS.

"I ASSUMED WE'D MEET AT THE BAR.

WHATEVER.I DON'T CARE."

"WHATEVER. I DON'T CARE"?

WHAT THE FUCK IS HIS PROBLEM?

"DO YOU EVEN WANT TO HANG OUT?"

- "DO YOU EVEN WANTTO HANG OUT?"

OH, THAT'S CONSIDERATE.

"LIKE I SAID, WHATEVER."

- "LIKE I SAID, WHATEVER"?

FUCK THIS GUY.

JESUS, "YOU..."

- "ARE FUCKING PRICELESS."

AWW."YOU'RE THE..."

- "ONE WHO'S FUCKING PRICELESS"?

THIS M--

THIS MOTHERFUCKER HERE.

OH, HE WANTS TO--OKAY, MM-HMM.

MM-HMM.OKAY.

"YOU WANT TO GO..."

- "RIGHT NOW?"

HMM.

GUESS I COULD DO THAT.

[clears throat]

"OKAY..."

- "OKAY, LET'S GO"?

HE SAID OKA--"OKAY, LET'S GO"?

ALL RIGHT, YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU KNOW WHAT?"YOU WANT TO REALLY..."

- "DO THIS NOW?"KEEGAN, YOU NUT.

YOU'RE NOT PUTTING ME OUT.

- "FUCK YEAH, LET'S DO IT"?

OH, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!

- "FIRST ROUND'S MINE."

- OH, NO!OH, NO!

THERE AIN'T GONNA BENO ROUNDS, ASSHOLE!

IT'S GONNA BEA FUCKING STREET FIGHT!

THIS SON OF A--

- ♪ 'CAUSE TONIGHT WE GONNAPARTY AND THE PARTY DON'T STOP ♪

- YOU!

- BUDDY!

LIKE I SAID, FIRST ROUND'S MINE.

A BEER AND A GIMLETFOR MY PARTNER RIGHT--

WHAT'S THAT?

- UH, I-I GOT YOUA BASEBALL BAT WITH NAILS IN IT.

- FOR MY POST-APOCALYPTICJACKIE ROBINSON COSTUME.

HOW DID YOU KNOW?

[hip-hop music]

- IT'S FRIDAY NIGHT.MAKE SOME NOISE!

[crowd cheers]

- AW, YEAH!

- PUT YOUR MOTHERFUCKING HANDSIN THE AIR.

- AW, YEAH!PUT 'EM UP.

- IF YOU COOL LIKE A PIMP,PUT YOUR HANDS UP.

IF YOU COOL LIKE A PIMP,PUT YOUR HANDS UP.

'CAUSE YOU'RE AN ACTUAL PIMP,PUT YOUR HANDS UP.

IF YOU OWN A BUNCH OF WOMEN,PUT YOUR HANDS UP.

IF YOU GONNA HIT IT ALL NIGHT,PUT YOUR HANDS UP.

IF YOU GONNA HIT IT ALL NIGHT,PUT YOUR HANDS UP.

- YEAH, ALL RIGHT.

- IF YOU MAINTAIN AN ERECTIONFOR 12 HOURS, PUT YOUR HANDS UP.

- WHOO!

- WITHOUT THE BENEFIT OF VIAGRA,PUT YOUR HANDS UP.

IF YOU A REAL-LIFE PLAYER,PUT YOUR HANDS UP.

- WHAT? YEAH.

- IF YOU ABUSE WOMEN'S TRUST,PUT YOUR HANDS UP.

- WHOA.

- IF YOU TREAT THEMLIKE OBJECTS, PUT YOUR HANDS UP.

IF YOU A REAL-LIFE GANGSTER,PUT YOUR HANDS UP.

IF YOU A REAL-LIFE GANGSTER,PUT YOUR HANDS UP.

IF YOU KILL OTHER PEOPLE,PUT YOUR HANDS UP.

IF YOU THE BIGGEST BOSS HERE,PUT YOUR HANDS UP.

IF YOU RUN AN ACTUAL DRUG RING,PUT YOUR HANDS UP.

[crowd groans]

IF YOU JUST REALIZEDTHAT YOU'RE FULL OF SHIT,

PUT YOUR HANDS UP.

[crowd cheers]

- WELCOME TOPAPARD MATTRESS LIQUIDATORS.

HOW CAN I HELP YOU TODAY?

- I NEED TO BUY A NEW BED.

- OKAY.YEAH, GOOD, GOOD.

YOU CAME TO THE RIGHT PLACE.I'LL BE MORE THAN HAPPY

TO HELP YOU WITH THAT.UH...

WHAT SIZE YOU NEED?A FULL, QUEEN, KING?

- QUEEN.- QUEEN, OH.

WE GOT A BIG SEL--- AND JUST SO YOU KNOW,

IT NEEDS TO BE STURDY.

- ALL RIGHT.

- SHIT GETS KIND OF CRAZYIN MY ROOM.

- OH, OKAY.[laughs]

I GOT YOU, BROTHER.[laughs]

I GOT YOU.

WELL, THIS POSTUREPEDIC MATTRESSWE GOT RIGHT HERE,

THIS IS EXTREMELY COMFORTABLE

AND, UH...DURABLE.

- DO YOU MIND IF I TRY IT?

- NO, NOT AT ALL.GO AHEAD.

I SHOULD ALSO MENTION, THERE'S100% MONEY-BACK GUARANTEE ON--

- YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH!

WHO GOT THAT GOOD "D"?

I GOT THAT GOOD "D"!

YEAH!YEAH!

NO, IT'S TOO HARD.

DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING SOFTER?

- UM...

OF COURSE.

THIS--THIS IS ONE OF OUR, UM,NATURAL LATEX MATTRESSES.

IT'S ON SALE, TOO,TODAY, AT $1,200.

- CAN I TRY IT?

- SURE.

- WHO GOT THAT GOOD "D"?

I GOT THAT GOOD "D"!

[grunting]

WHO GOT THAT GOOD "D"?I GOT THAT GOOD "D"!

[grunts]

IT SEEMS A LITTLE PRICEY.

- OKAY.NO, IT'S A LITTLE PRICEY.

I AIN'T GONNA LIE TO YOU.

BUT, UH, NO PROBLEM.WE GOT OTHER CHOICES.

UM...

THIS A GREAT MEMORYFOAM MATTRESS, RIGHT HERE.

IT'S A LITTLE CHEAPER, AND--

- CAN I TRY IT OUT?

- RIGHT.RIGHT, YEAH.

I MEAN, OF COURSE,OF COURSE YOU WANT TO TRY.

- YOU KNOW HOW IT GOES.

- YEAH.OH, YEAH.

- COMING UP ON THEM LATE NIGHTS.

AYE! AYE!BOOM, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM!

"YES!SI, PAPI! SI, PAPI! SI, PAPI!"

- YEAH, MAN, RIGHT.[laughs]

YEAH, MAN.UM...

SEX HAPPENS.

- YIP!

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH!

WHO GOT THAT GOOD "D"?I GOT THAT GOOD "D"!

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH!

WHO GOT THAT GOOD "D"?

I GOT THAT GOOD "D"!

OH!OH, HERE IT COMES!

HERE IT COMES!HERE IT COMES!

HOO-AH!

YUP, THAT'S THE ONE.

I'LL TAKE IT.- OKAY, LET ME RING YOU UP.

- [grunting]- AYE! AYE! AYE!

- WHO GOT THAT GOOD "D"?I GOT THAT GOOD "D"!

[grunting]- AYE, PAPI!

- WHO GOT THAT GOOD "D"?I GOT THAT GOOD "D"!

[glass breaks]- SI, PAPI!

- [grunting]- AYE! AYE! AYE! AYE!

- WHO GOT THAT GOOD "D"?I GOT THAT GOOD "D"!

- THANK YOU.

MIKE.- BRODY.

- YEAH.HEY, HOW ARE YOU, MAN?

- WHAT'S UP, MAN?- GOOD TO SEE YOU.

HEY, I'M GLAD I RAN INTO YOU.

WHAT IS THAT JOKE THAT YOUTOLD RECENTLY AT THE OFFICE?

EVERYBODY IS JUST, LIKE,GIGGLING ABOUT IT ALL THE TIME,

AND I HAVEN'T HEARD IT YET.

- OH, GOSH.

OKAY.UM...

ALL RIGHT, IT GOES LIKE THIS.- YEAH.

- SO, THERE'S THIS WOMAN, AND--

- [laughs]

- OKAY.- [chuckles] I'M SORRY!

- GOOD AUDIENCE.

- YEAH, I'M SORRY.I LOVE IT ALREADY.

I LOVE IT ALREADY.[laughing]

- AWESOME.OKAY.

WELL, THIS SHOULD GO WELL.UM...

SO THERE'S--THERE'S A WOMAN,AND SHE GOES TO HER DOCTOR.

- SHE GOES TO HER DOCTOR!IT'S ALREADY FUNNY.

[laughing]IT'S ALREADY FUNNY.

- NO, I HAVEN'T EVEN GOTTENTO THE SETUP YET.

- [laughing]

- SO, SHE GOES TO HER DOCTOR,AND SHE, UM...

SHE SAYS TO HER DOCTOR,"KISS ME."

- [laughs hysterically]

- NO, THAT'S NOT IT.

THAT'S NOT IT.THAT--THAT'S NOT THE PUNCH LINE.

- [laughing]

YOU GOT TO STOP ALREADY.

YOU'RE KILLING ME OVER HERE.

- OH, YOU--

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU THINKTHE JOKE IS OVER, BUT IT'S NOT.

IT'S ACTUALLY JUST STARTING.

- [laughing hysterically]

- OKAY.SO I'M GONNA--

I'M JUST GONNA SPEED UP.

SO SHE SAYS TO HER DOCTOR,"KISS ME,"

AND HE SAYS, "I CAN'T.IT WOULD BE UNPROFESSIONAL."

- [laughing]- NO. NO, NOT EVEN CLOSE.

SHE SAYS--HE SAYS,"THAT WOULD BE UNPROFESSIONAL,"

AND THEN SHE SAYS,SHE KEEPS ASKING HIM,

AND HE SAYS, "NO, NO, NO."

HAPPENS THREE TIMES LIKE THAT.

FINALLY, AT THE END, SHE SAYS,

"KISS ME," AND HE SAYS,

"I SHOULDN'T EVEN BE HAVING SEXWITH YOU RIGHT NOW."

- THEN WHAT HAPPENS?

- [stammers]I DON'T--I DON'T KNOW.

THEN, I GUESS SHE--SHE PROBABLY SUED HIM

FOR MALPRACTICE?

- [laughs]

SUED HIM FOR MALPRACTICE.

[hysterical gibberish]

- SO YOU KNOW THAT WASN'T--THAT WASN'T THE PUNCH LINE?

- THAT WASN'T THE PUNCH LINE?

- NO. THE PUNCH--- THERE'S MORE?

[laughing]- NO, THERE'S NOT.

THERE'S NOT MORE.

- THERE'S MORE TO THE JOKE?

- NO, THERE--THERE'S ACTUALLY LESS.

- WELL, THAT'S IT!YOU TURNED IT AROUND!

- NO, THERE'S--- YOU TURNED IT AROUND!

- THE JOKE--- HE SAID LESS!

- THE JOKE WAS--- THERE CAN'T BE LESS.

- THE PUNCH LINE WAS THE ONLYPART THAT YOU DIDN'T LAUGH AT.

- [laughs]WHAT THE FUCK?

YOU GOT ME!- YOU GOT ME.

YOU WERE DOING A JOKETHE WHOLE TIME!

YOU WERE DOING A WEIRD CHARACTERTHE WHOLE TIME.

- OH, MY GOD, YES.YES.

I LOVE THE MALPRACTICE STUFF.

THE MALPRACTICE PUNCH LINEIS HILARIOUS.

- SO YOU WEREN'T DOINGA CHARACTER?

- WHAT CHARACT--WHAT CHARACTER?- OKAY.

THIS IS SOME CRAZY SHIT.