Checkpoint Gnarly

  • 05/04/2011

After a wild night of drinking with the boss's brother, things go bad at a DUI checkpoint.

- OKAY, SO I CALL IT"BOOZE CHESS."

I GOT THE COGNAC ROYALAS YOUR KING.

QUEENSLAND VODKA--OBVIOUSLY, THAT'S THE QUEEN.

UH, OLD STEED WHISKEY.

THAT'S THE HORSE/CENTAUR GUY.

- OH. CHESSMATE.

- LET'S JUST DRINK.WHOA! CHECK OUT THIS GUY.

- I DIDN'T DO IT.DON'T ARREST ME.

- CAN I HELP YOU, OCIFFER?

- IT'S MY COSTUMEFOR THE POLE DANCING CLASS

I'M TAKINGUP AT THE REC CENTER.

- GOOD WAY TO MEET BABES.- YEAH.

- IT'S A GOOD WAYTO KEEP THE BODY IN SHAPE.

AND, YES, I HAVE METSOME FRIENDS--WHO ARE LADIES.

CHERYL, PENNY, LAURIE.

WE'RE ALL GONNA MAKEHOMEMADE PIZZAS LATER.

- SOUNDS GOOD.

SO WAIT, EVERYONE WEARSA COP OUTFIT OR WHAT?

- OH, NO, NO, NO, THIS IS JUST,UH, SOMETHING FRESH

I'M BRINGING TO THE TABLE.

THINKING I MIGHT CHANGETHE GAME THOUGH

AFTER THEY SEETHIS LITTLE ROUTINE.

CHECK IT OUT.BUCKLE UP.

FREEZE! I'M GONNA NEED YOUTO SPREAD 'EM.

- I LIKE IT SO FAR.

[music starts]- YEAH.

- OH!- HELLO. WHOA.

- YO!- YAH.

- OH.- WAIT A SECOND.

WHERE'D I PUT MY--OH, THERE IT IS.

EYES DOWN HERE, FELLAS.EYES DOWN HERE.

- SERIOUSLY, DUDE,YOU GOT A PRETTY GOOD DICK.

- ♪ S--S--STOP,C--COME ALIVE ♪

♪ IT'S BEAT LIKE THISTHAT MAKE ME SMILE ♪

- OH, GOT ME.- OH!

- OH, YEAH.NO, YOU DON'T NEED TO...

- ALL RIGHT.- NEED TO...

- OH, YEAH, I DON'T KNOWWHAT THAT'S ABOUT.

"OFFICER.""YOU'RE UNDER ARREST."

- HEY.WHOA! THIS IS A CHESSBOARD!

HEY, WE'RE IN THE MIDDLEOF A GAME1

- AH!- ♪ PUT YOUR HANDS UP

- MY TEACHER SAYS IF YOU DON'TSWEAT IN YOUR CRACK,

YOU'RE NOT DOING IT RIGHT.

- THAT'S NOT EVEN A REAL THING.- HA HA HA!

- I KNEW THAT.- I DIDN'T. I DIDN'T.

OKAY, YOU ARE GOOD. WE GOTTO WATCH OUT FOR THIS GUY.

THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING,B-RAD.

REAL DANNY BLAINE.IS IT DANNY? DAVID?

- IT'S DAVID.- DAVID BLAINE?

- IT'S DAVID.- DAVID.

- YEAH, JUST GIVE THEMTHEIR MONEY BACK, PLEASE.

- GIVE ME THAT.- THANKS, MAN.

- ANYWAY, UH, SWEETIE, I'M GONNABE WORKING LATE TONIGHT.

I HAVE AN INTERNATIONALCONFERENCE CALL. BRUSSELS.

- OH, HOMEOF JEAN-CLAUDE VAN DAMME.

MUSCLES FROM BRUSSELS.- SHUT UP.

- THAT'S WHAT THEY CALL HIM.

- SO THERE'S SOME FROZENCALZONES

IN THE FREEZER.

AND, UM, I'LL BE HOME LATER.

- UGH, I'M TIREDOF BEING COOPED UP

IN YOUR STUPID WIDOW PAD!

- [snickers]

- BRADLEY, I TOLD YOUI AM NOT A WIDOW, OKAY?

I AM DIVORCED.

I AM AN INDEPENDENT WOMANIN THE PRIME OF MY LIFE.

- YOU'RE 35 AND ALONE.I RUN TRAIN ON CHICKS LIKE YOU.

- [whispers] OH, MY GOD.

- WHY DON'T I HANGWITH THESE NERDS?

- WHAT? OKAY, NO.

NO, BRADLEY, YOU DO NOT WANTTO HANG OUT WITH THEM, OKAY?

THEY ARE TOTAL LOSERS

- [scoffs] REAL LOSERS?COME ON.

WE HAVE A SWIMMING POOL.

WE--WE ALL HAVEOUR OWN ROOMS.

- WE HAVE AN AQUARIUM.A VERY SMALL ONE.

WE HAVE TWO WORKING TOILETS.- THAT'S NOT VERY LOSER, IS IT?

- IT'S SETTLED THEN.- YEAH, B-RAD.

- ALL RIGHT.- WHOO-HOO!

- [whistles]

- I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

THAT DUDE DEFINITELY LOOKSAT PORN.

- IT'S FUNNY 'CAUSE IT'S TRUE.HE DOES. I'VE CAUGHT HIM.

- OKAY, LISTEN TO ME,BRADLEY IS MY BROTHER

AND THE ONLY THINGIN THE WORLD THAT I LOVE.

HE'S LIKE THE CHILDI WILL NEVER HAVE.

SO I WANT YOU TO GO AGAINSTEVERY INSTINCT

YOU MAY HAVE TONIGHTAND NOT DO ANYTHING STUPID.

- NO.- ROGER THAT.

- YEAH. BECAUSE IF YOU DON'TBRING HIM BACK SAFE AND SOUND,

I'M GONNA EAT YOUR BALLSFOR BREAKFAST TOMORROW

WITH MY GRAPE-NUTS.

THEN I'M GONNA MURDER YOU.

THEN I'M GONNA FIRE YOU.

OKAY. HAVE FUN.

- [whispers] SHE JUST PUTTHE FEAR OF GOD

INTO MY BONER.

- FEAR-ECTION.

WHENEVER I'M INA BAD SITUATION,

I CALL THE SMARTEST GUYI KNOW, CARL.

- THE DRUG DEALER.- THE HUMAN GENIUS.

- HE'S THE SMARTEST GUY EVER.- YEAH.

- ECCENTRICALLY HE WEARSTWO DIFFERENT COLORED SHOES.

- SOCKS.- REALLY?

- YEAH.- THAT'S SMART.

- ALL RIGHT, SOLDIERS,HERE'S HOW IT'S GONNA GO DOWN.

TWO-MAN TEAMS OF TWO.

BLAKE, YOU AND DERS ARE OUR MENINSIDE INFILTRATING.

ME AND DA MAN,WE'LL HANG BACK HERE IN HQ

ACTING AS BACKUP.

- YEAH, HQ! TEAM HQ.

- HQ "HEADQUARTERS"?

THIS IS A FILTHY, CREEPY VAN

THAT SOMEONE WROTE "RAPE"ON THE SIDE OF.

- I WROTE THAT.

THE VAN DOESN'T HAVE ANY LOCKSAND THE WORD "RAPE"

KEEPS ALL THE WEIRDOESAWAY, BRO.

- OH, GOOD IDEA.- THE HUMAN GENIUS.

- IT'S NOT GENIUS.IT ISN'T GENIUS.

YOU DON'T HAVEANY FORMAL EDUCATION.

- AT LEAST I'M WEARINGCAMEL FLAGE.

- "CAMEL FLAGE"?- CAMEL FLAGE.

- THE ONLY REASON I'M NOTTOTALLY ONBOARD RIGHT NOW

IS THAT DERS IS BREAKINGAND ENTERING

WHEN I SHOULD BE DOING THAT

'CAUSE I HAVE--I'M THE MOST COURAGEOUS.

I'M LIKE THE COWARDLY LION.

- HE HAD A LOT OF COURAGE.- BUT OPPOSITE OF THAT.

- HE'S RIGHT. I'M NOTTHE BREAKING AND ENTERING TYPE.

- DERS, LOOK INTO MY EYE.MY GOOD EYE.

- WH--I DON'T KNOW WHICH ONE'STHE GOOD EYE.

- THIS ONE, BRO.THE WONKY ONE.

- IT MAKES ITS OWN RULES,DUDE.

LOOK HOW WONKY IT IS!IT'S WONKY!

- I'M RUNNING THIS MISSIONAND I NEED YOU IN THERE.

- GIVE ME THIS.

- NOW, WE'RE GONNA BEON CHANNEL 7

SO PLEASE KEEP THE CHATTERTO A MINIMUM.

- OKAY, WE GET IT.- DO YOU GET IT, BRO?

ME AND BLAKE WERE IN IRAQ.

- THAT WAS QUEBEC, DUDE.

- WAS IT?- OKAY.

I'M GONNA GO GET MY CAR BACK.THANK YOU.

LEFT HERE! RIGHT AT THE LIGHT!

- LET'S GO.- GO GO.

[car horn blares]

- PLAY ARTIST NORAH JONES.

- PLEASE REPEAT.

- PLAY ARTIST NORAH JONES.

- PLEASE REPEAT.

- OKAY, I PL--I PLAYTHE SAME [bleep] SONG

EVERY NIGHT.

NORAH [bleep] JONES.

- NORAH JONES.- THANK YOU.

- TURN BY THE SIGN.NOW LEFT.

WE'RE ALMOST THERE!- YEAH, BABY!

[tires screeching]

- ♪ I LOVE THE STROKESOF LOVE ♪

♪ PAINTED UP ON YOUR FACE

- MOVE IT, MAN.

- ♪ AYE-YAH-YAH-YAH-YAH

♪ AYE-YAH-YAH-YAH-YAH

[car alarm beeps on]

- PULL OVER!PULL OVER!

WE MADE IT!

- WE THOUGHT YOU WERE TAKING USTO YOUR HOUSE.

- YEAH. MY HOUSE OF PANCAKES.I'M STARVING.

- YEAH, LET'S GO INSIDE.LET'S GET PANCAKES.

AND WHILE WE'RE IN THERE,LET'S GET SOME JOB APPLICATIONS

BECAUSE WE'RE GOINGTO BE FIRED.

- I'M AN ADULT.

I CAN STAY OUT AS LATEAS I WANT.

I WILL TALK TO ALICEAND TELL HER THE TRUTH.

YOU GUYS SHOWED MEA GREAT TIME.

SHE WON'T BE MAD.TRUST ME.

LET'S DESTROYSOME SHORT STACKS!

all: YEAH.

- AND [bleep] CHICKS!

- YEAH, WE'LL DO OUR BEST.WE'LL TRY.

- YEAH, DEFINITELY.- IT'S DIFFICULT.

IT'S HARDER THAN YOU THINK.- B-RAD IN THE HOUSE.

IN THE HOUSE OF PANCAKES.- OH, YEAH.

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